wthamidoing

This is my first post here but God willing not my last.
My story is too long to type here but I'm sure almost everyone here has heard way too many like it before. My wife has decided she has finally had enough. There is no second, third or fourth chance, or whatever number it has finally become. I know I brought this on myself. I took way too much for granted for way to long. Why must I always learn my lessons the hard way?
Now along with trying to stay sober I am dealing with a possible (likely?) divorce as well as too many life changes I can't begin to begin to imagine.
Any words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated.

Dee74

I'm sorry for what bought you here whtamidoing, but I'm glad you've found us.

The best advice I can give you is to focus on yourself and your recovery.

I know its hard, but your priority needs to be change - not for your wife or your relationship, but for you.

I firmly believe if things are meant to be they will be - but without changes there's absolutely no chance of anything resolving...

D

digdug

Sorry to hear that, wthamidoing.

My ex-girlfriend broke up with me when I went to rehab back in April. I thought there was a chance if I made it through, but no dice. I found the best way to get over it was to just concentrate on my sobriety and turning myself into a better person.

Now, I feel more comfortable with myself. And I know that when I'm ready to get into another serious relationship, I won't make the mistakes I made before to drive my ex away.

Best of luck to you!

EndGameNYC

I only know you from what you've written here, and several specifics are obviously missing.

It sounds like you need a great deal of support, and this is one good place to get it.

Take care of yourself for the rest of the night, have a good night's sleep, then start planning your better life for the future.

When my ex told me she was through, she told me she'd give me some time to leave. This came after several threats, arguments, and periods of extreme indifference. Though I did look for a place to live, it was taking longer than she had envisioned. I knew that it was the things I did and the things I didn't do in our relationship that drove her to this place. I just thought that if she could get used to me, everything would be fine.

Having then found a room, I called on my way home to let her know. She said something like, "This is going to be in and out. No lingering." I said fine.

When I got home, she'd changed the locks on the doors, and had deposited my belongings on locked side of the door.

That was the clearest message I'd gotten in my whole life from anyone. Still drinking at the time, I was angry and hurt for about half that day. But I also knew it was the right thing for her to do; and perhaps the most difficult.

Though we try to keep things exactly as they are for any given day, they never do.

Heartfan82

Don't let yourself get anxious about the future, take one thing at a time,
for today just concentrate on staying sober, don't believe the lies your enemy (alcohol)
will tell you.....you need to focus now on making you the best you can be.

It's been 8 months sober for me this time, and I'm still trying to fit into my new skin. Your life is going to change either way, so why not plan on making it a productive, positive change?

It's a hard road in the beginning of recovery, but it makes you stronger, and as time goes on, you'll see the good outweighs the bad in living the sober life.

Your wife will be dealing with her own issues, and there may be a healing time needed, and she might be willing to get to know the new you!

Best wishes for your new journey, please stay here and read these forums, you'll find a lot of advice, encouragement, support, etc. from the best people in the world!

Peace,
~Heartfan

least

You've come to a good place for support in recovery.

coming_clean

Word of advice..

Stay sober and take it just one day at a time..

Hang in there.

Campersoft

I am so sorry to read your post. I was in a very similar situation earlier in the year and all I will say is by carrying on with the booze I have just made everything worse.
My wife has gone but I have created more problems to deal with.
If I had been sober since then everything today would be so much better.
I wish I could turn back the clock

wthamidoing

Thanks to you all for the words of support. She signed the lease yesterday and we met at the new place to talk. Needless to say it didn't end well. She took the kids and spent the night at her mother's house. We texted throughout the night and the next day she showed up to start moving things. I decided I would help since I created this mess. I had intended to make her do it herself. It may have been one of the better decisions I have made lately. We spent the day crying, talking, crying, and moving things to the new place. Later we spent a fabulous night as a family because the new place isn't quite ready yet. In short there is still a glimmer of hope. I just need to get my **** together.

Eddiebuckle

I agree with Dee's post, and would add that regardless what may happen in the future, drinking will only make it worse. Focus on getting sober, give it the time it takes to have sobriety that can handle changes (it took me a year), and then start to work on the rest. Until you have sobriety, none of the other changes will have much chance of being sustainable.

Skye2

It sounds like there is still a lot of feeling between the pair of you My best advice would be to stay calm - don't argue regardless of how angry any rows might make you feel. Let her get it out of her system for now and you never know - a little down the line, things could just turn themselves around. DO NOT drink though - it will just make you send crazy texts etc while emotions are so heightened Xx

MythOfSisyphus

Welcome, and sorry this has happened. I went through it too but I still drank for another 20 years. I thought her complaining about my drinking was all BS, and I felt that way for decades. Only when I quit drinking did I get an inkling of how bad it was, and how bad it must have been for her. Funny, I spent almost 20 years thinking the divorce was entirely her fault!

I hope this is rock bottom for you. By that I mean I hope you don't need to lose anything else before you figure out you have to stop drinking forever.

Zebra1275

Any words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated.

It may sound simplistic, but "one day at a time" is how you do this.

That means you don't dwell on the past, it's over (so no resentments).

Any you don't fret about the future, it hasn't arrived yet (so no anxiety).

Live in today, and consciously do the "next right thing" as your day progresses. Go to an AA meeting. Don't isolate from others and feel sorry for yourself, that won't help and you may drink if you do.

Keep doing this, day after day and it will get easier. Once you start to accumulate some sober time you will feel better about yourself and you may find your life improving in ways you didn't expect (and you might even find another woman to share your life with).

ClearMind

I agree so much with what Dee said. As an addict, getting drunk was my top priority, trumping everything else. In order to overcome this addiction, being sober has to be my top priority, more important than anything else, including family. It's the only way, in my opinion.

Once you work on yourself, the rest will follow.

Good luck man.

Hawkeye13

I was close to the place you are in my marriage about two years ago too. My alcoholism was driving my spouse away.

I stopped drinking and stayed stopped but I know now that it only "worked" because I was doing it for myself and my future: whether the relationship ended or not, I was not drinking again.
You can't stop "for your marriage" because that puts so much pressure on the marriage and your spouse.

But, you may "save" your marriage as a result of saving yourself. And that is totally wonderful.
It sounds like there may be a chance for that, but I really agree with other posters' words that it starts with you not drinking again at all.
By doing that, my spouse gradually came to trust me again and knew I wasn't going to do the same old &#@% and that put our relationship back on more solid ground.
It isn't magic--there are still issues, but I'm "working my side of the street" and doing all I can, and he recognizes this.
Do get some support (including posting here regularly) and don't just try to do it alone.

I wish you and your family a happy ending and a Happy Thanksgiving :-)

MIRecovery

The only thing you can do to start the healing process is to get and stay sobber. The big question is what actions are you willing to take to maximize your chance of success?

Dano1975

I've been through the exact same thing brother. My wife decided to leave 2 years ago, I sobered up for a while, drank again for a year, screwed my life up more, and now am 101 days sober in the best place I've been in 5 years. It's hard at first (the breakup), but one thing I learned is it definitly gets better with time, but only if you're sober and working on yourself during that time.

KateL

I agree 100%

wthamidoing

[QUOTE=Hawkeye13;4316642]I was close to the place you are in my marriage about two years ago too. My alcoholism was driving my spouse away.

Thanks Hawkeye. She says it isn't permanent just yet. I have remember she is doing this for me not because of me.

Heartfan82

I hope you're taking care of yourself, and gaining some strength and hope for a better life ahead. Really, 'one day at a time' is a great motto for this time in your life. Each day can seem so long, but you can learn a lot by reading through this forum.



Wishing you peace and clarity for your sober journey,
~Heartfan