padawanxox

Hey Guys...
It was recommended to me that I share this, because what I feel can cause me to go right back out, so here it goes:
After a great meeting on Saturday, a girl I met who worked the program before & I went out with a bunch of friends & invited me along... We had a great night and after we all went home (Or so I thought) but not the girl who introduced me to these people. She ended up going to a bar. She swore up & down that she'd have water and leave, and to the best of my knowledge, that's what she did. I offered to watch a movie with her, so we could go through it together, and both keep recovery #1, so I did (Even though I was SO tired and just wanted to sleep)

Following day, we hung out, shopped... Went to a meeting... And that's when she dropped the bomb on me.
She'd been drinking behind my back the whole entire day.

I feel so many emotions - Betrayed, lied to, taken advantage of, stupid, naive, blind...

But mostly, I'm pretty PO'd. What was done was SELFISH. I am 10 days in, and to know that a person who I tried to pick up when down, betrayed me... Is so disheartening.

She's since texted me, saying that she hopes this doesn't ruin our friendship, and please don't hate her... And I'm just... Empty for her.

Idk. I'm not gonna pick up... But I mean, COME ON!! REALLY?! How selfish can you be?!

Had to get that out - If any of you have any words of wisdom, or can suggest how the heck I get out of this dang funk it'd be SO greatly appreciated... Because, I need it quite terribly.

Thanks for reading...

ScottFromWI

You cannot control what others do or how they act. While it was certainly a selfish act, your sobriety is the most important thing here - don't forget that. Also remember she's an alcoholic too, and we all did pretty stupid things when we were drinking.

Move on and stay strong.

EndGameNYC

What Scott said.

Also, it stings badly when we're on the receiving end of the kind of schit we pulled when we were drinking. Being sober, it's much easier to just let it go.

Dee74

I'm sorry you feel let down padawan - like the others have said tho, we can't control others or what they do.

We're all fighting the same battle - try not to think too badly of her...but at the same time, maybe this is a lesson to keep a little of yourself in reserve?

It's wonderful to care and to want to help but it's always a danger to invest too much of yourself into someone else's recovery - think about your boundaries - are they healthy ones for you, and for the person you're trying to help?

D

digdug

One thing I learned early on in AA is that some "friends" relapse, and there is absolutely nothing I could do about it. And along with the relapse comes the lying, and other standard alcoholic behavior.

So after yet another friend who I poured my heart out to and trusted relapsed, I started to reconfigure who I associated with. There is a saying in AA: "stick with the winners." Now, I really only hang out with people outside of meetings who have at least a year of sobriety and are solid in their programs. Sure, in meetings, I'm happy to talk to and help newcomers. But in my own time, I stick with people who have more time and experience than I do.

You are 10 days into this. Look to people who have way more experience than you to help guide you through this. You will need to learn to accept that people come and go. It is a revolving door. Even people with 20 years relapse and there is not a damn thing you can do about it. Just keep focusing on yourself. And talk to your sponsor about this. If you don't have one, get one.

Skye2

I an relate to this. During my first attempt at quitting, a few years ago, I was friends with a woman who had been sober for 8 years. I was in awe - almost put her on her pedestal and boy did she fall off it with a bang. Saw her in town one day so drunk she could hardly walk.
I too felt let down and well plain sick to be honest, but then realised that I had taken her problem, her sobriety to much too heart.
It's horrible, but the nature of this vile condition means that this is going to happen from time to time and we need to learn how to react when it does.
I wish you peace of mind and courage to continue with your own sobriety - i'm sure this lady will be worrying now that the word will get out

Hugs to you.
Xx

Threshold

I know it hurts, but reading it, she didn't really betray you. She betrayed herself and her sobriety.

One of the lessons that I had to learn to get and stay sober was to not take everything personally. Stop, breathe, do a reality check. Because part of my modus operandi was to take everything in life personally, and thus react to it, and thus get myself worked up, and often as not do something stupid in response.

Another thing. Before I got into 12 step, all I heard was how awesome everyone was, how they had my best interest at heart, that they would be my new BFF's, etc.

Reality is they are human. Most of us (I was in NA) were not real good judges of character. Nor did we have a good history of being reliable and honest. What we knew best was lying, sneaking around, cheating, stealing and putting ourselves first. Not everyone is the program is clean/sober, a paragon of virtue, a shining example of sobriety, wisdom and self lessness.

It's a room full of people as least as messed up as me trying this new way of living and often as not being clueless about it.

I was there to learn the program, not to make friends or find a date. I really had to repeat that mantra.

people tried to borrow money, get rides to and from here and here for themselves and their kids, get me to "cover" for them with bosses and spouses...etc etc.

JUST SAY NO. I had to learn to protect myself and my recovery above all things. ONLY attend program sanctioned functions, not just hang out with people randomly (sorry, but it was true), and NOT get caught up in the personal dramas of other people lives, or get invested in their recovery.

That was the fine print that no one told me going in. All I heard was unicorns and butterflies, but the reality is we are all just a bunch of recovering boozers in different stages of the game.

bemyself

Them's wise words from Threshold, as usual. Perfectly put.

Carlotta

She is an alcoholic in active addiction, I gather that you are in AA
Remember the first step?
We admitted we were powerless over alcohol....?
It goes for us but also for our friends and families who are alcoholics.
I am both in AA and Al Anon (which is for friends and families of alcoholics) and both fellowship use the same steps.
My best friend is an alcoholic and of course I did not dump him when I got sober but like others said, when it comes to making friends in the rooms I stick with the winners.

Nonsensical

Translation:
She's a problem, but she's not YOUR problem. Breathe it out and let it go. I got mad and 'got drunk' at people before. I never got mad and 'got sober' at anyone.

FeenixxRising

Why take it personally? Is your support conditional? When I help someone, I do not have any expectations. She's an alcoholic and alcoholics often lie.

Bottom line, we can't control others. Trying to do so only ends up in disappointment.

FeenixxRising

BTW, you should take pride in your actions. You attempted to help and support her. Sometimes we can help, but often our help isn't accepted. That's life. It's the deed that counts; the outcome is almost always out of our control.

AnvilheadII

I am 10 days in, and to know that a person who I tried to pick up when down, betrayed me... Is so disheartening.

whoa, wait a minute...we don't get to call the outcome when we help others...we carry the message, that is all. she did not BETRAY you, for pete's sake, she's a struggling alcoholic whom you met IN AA!! you better toughen up a bit cuz you'll see lots of this as you continue your journey.

Lifewillgetbet

I agree with AnvilheadII.
I have had Sponsors relapse on me. 2 in fact. One with 5 years the other with 7. It did kind of feel like a blow, and after my last one I did relapse (they were not the cause). Then I went to treatment for 90 days and one of the counselors I had (18+ years) reeked like booze. He relapsed and was fired. I payed $45+ Grand to go to this place too.
It just goes to show that this disease is very cunning and baffling. A relapse is only an arm length away!!!

LadyBlue0527

Hi padawanxox,

It's already been said here and it can't be said any better. You are responsible for no one else's sobriety but your own. We are all alcoholics and we know the drill, we all lie. That's the nature of this problem. If you're going to work along side a person who is also in recovery help where you can but expect nothing except for the satisfaction that you are trying to help another person. You'll be much happier in your own recovery.

You're calling it "the program" and I'm assuming you mean AA. Are you doing the steps? Part of recovery is looking inward to see why something is affecting you in the manner that it is. Often times it ends up not really even being the reason that you thought you were angry.

You're fairly new to sobriety and it seems there's a lot of anger in you over someone else drinking. I may be way totally off base but in reading your post it sounds like you're basing your own sobriety on other's actions. I only say this because I've done it before in past attempts. Buddied up with a drinking bud, we went to AA meetings together, talked a lot on the phone, and tried to find things to do together sober. Then I found out that she had been drinking and I was really mad at her. I felt exactly like you did. It wasn't until this time through that I actually did the steps that I realized that my anger was directed at her not because she refused my help and drank. It's because she refused my help and got to drink and I didn't.

Anger fuels relapse. Look deeper at why you were angry at her. Whether she drinks or not that shouldn't threaten your sobriety. You have no control over her, only over you.

I hope you think this through and learn from it. Stay on the path, you can do this!

PurpleKnight

Another positive is you have remained sober . . . a challenging situation like that could have been a tempter but you stayed strong!!

Dee74

how are you doing padawanxox?

D

Leana

During your drinking days were you ever on the other side?? (i.e. The one telling the lies and/or keeping the secrets?) Most alcoholics don't intentionally set out to deceive, its part of the disease. But I am sorry this happened to you.

padawanxox

I'm actually in NA - But, to clear the record... While we're both in recovery "for pete's sake" ..........that doesn't mean spend the whole entire day with me, and hide drinking throughout the whole day. And to answer the question if I was ever on the other side? No. I wasn't. I've always been honest about my situation. If I drink, I'll say so. And you'll probably know without words.

I believe I have every right to be upset with her. But I made it through the day - She doesn't EFFECT my recovery, but as a friend on a human level... That's just wrong. I'm fragile. She's worked NA before.

But, if I were in her shoes... I'd rather link up with someone else with more days than someone with 10 because I'd WANT to make this time count.

I appreciate the feedback - Even the negative & harsh... This was tough, and I really felt I could trust her, and that by hanging with her all day was doing the "next right thing" so we could ensure we both stayed sober for the day.

awuh1

Ya, that betrayal of trust. It’s hard to take. Your heart was in the right place. Hers was not. She violated your trust.

You did the right thing. That’s what’s important. Keep acting with integrity and the good will come round to greet you. Guaranteed.