AS & Holidays
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 2
AS & Holidays
Haven't posted in some time. However, I read your posts and thank all of you for being here.
AS is nearly 21. We've been on the ropes with him for more than 5 years. DOC heroin & opiates. Jail, etc. related to using. Lots of treatment. He begged for treatment in Sept. He detoxed and had 6 weeks residential treatment. He asked to go to 90 halfway house after residential. We were delighted.
After three weeks in halfway house he used with 3 other clients in house & was expelled per rules. He's been out a week today. We did not take him back in. We told him we loved him and supported his recovery, but would not let him come home. He said he *thought* he would get into another halfway house admitted he wasn't sure he was really ready to be clean. He couch surfed and girlfriend paid for three nights in hotel. He admitted to using once while out and we know of a couple of lies. Girlfriend not addict.
AS wants to come to family Thanksgiving. We told him no. We told him we were hoping he'd be back in treatment/halfway house. Family Thanksgiving is in a town about two hours from us. Large, extended family. My 49 year old brother was recently diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer. The holiday will be quite emotional since this is likely the last holiday we will have together. There will be alcohol and my brother's pain meds around. We think it's a very poor environment for AS to be in. Plus, we don't believe we can trust him. He is very upset (mostly hurt feelings, I believe) that we don't want him there. This will not be the first holiday he's missed. He was in juvenile custody for Thanksgiving a few years ago.
He called just a short while ago and told us he's entering a 6 month halfway house tomorrow. He asked if we were still willing to cover the first month. I hope it's true and he will go and work their program.
The Thanksgiving thing is moot if he goes to halfway house tomorrow. But, I still feel awful about it. I LOVE this time of year and it can be difficult to enjoy with addiction in the family. Thanks for reading.
AS is nearly 21. We've been on the ropes with him for more than 5 years. DOC heroin & opiates. Jail, etc. related to using. Lots of treatment. He begged for treatment in Sept. He detoxed and had 6 weeks residential treatment. He asked to go to 90 halfway house after residential. We were delighted.
After three weeks in halfway house he used with 3 other clients in house & was expelled per rules. He's been out a week today. We did not take him back in. We told him we loved him and supported his recovery, but would not let him come home. He said he *thought* he would get into another halfway house admitted he wasn't sure he was really ready to be clean. He couch surfed and girlfriend paid for three nights in hotel. He admitted to using once while out and we know of a couple of lies. Girlfriend not addict.
AS wants to come to family Thanksgiving. We told him no. We told him we were hoping he'd be back in treatment/halfway house. Family Thanksgiving is in a town about two hours from us. Large, extended family. My 49 year old brother was recently diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer. The holiday will be quite emotional since this is likely the last holiday we will have together. There will be alcohol and my brother's pain meds around. We think it's a very poor environment for AS to be in. Plus, we don't believe we can trust him. He is very upset (mostly hurt feelings, I believe) that we don't want him there. This will not be the first holiday he's missed. He was in juvenile custody for Thanksgiving a few years ago.
He called just a short while ago and told us he's entering a 6 month halfway house tomorrow. He asked if we were still willing to cover the first month. I hope it's true and he will go and work their program.
The Thanksgiving thing is moot if he goes to halfway house tomorrow. But, I still feel awful about it. I LOVE this time of year and it can be difficult to enjoy with addiction in the family. Thanks for reading.
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: Probably my living room. Maybe my bedroom if I'm feeling lazy
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I was in an AA speaker meeting once, and the speaker was talking about earning back the trust of his parents. For four years, he asked to come home for the holidays and for four years, he was denied. He realized that the only way to earn back the trust was through his actions, i.e., staying sober and fulfilling his obligations as an adult. Finally, on the fifth year, he was allowed back. He doesn't blame his parents and holds no grudge. He realized he put his parents in that situation.
He has 21 years sober now.
Bottom line - it's ok to say no to your son. It's ok to give it some time to see how much he really wants sobriety.
He has 21 years sober now.
Bottom line - it's ok to say no to your son. It's ok to give it some time to see how much he really wants sobriety.
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Colorado
Posts: 577
Boy do I hear you on this. I've been thinking a lot about the upcoming holidays...wondering what the right thing to do is. I doubt my son would want to join us anyway but knowing how he likes to hold things against me...I feel I simply cannot win. It hit me that he has 363 other days out of the year to demonstrate to our family that we matter to him. Family shouldn't just matter on Thanksgiving and Christmas. The holidays are hard for those of us in this situation...I think if it mattered so much to them they'd be taking steps to ensure they don't miss out. It's always funny to me that the expectation is the rest of us adjust our boundaries. So I suppose this will be the third year in a row we won't spend Christmas with our son. Incarcerated one year....using heavily last year and this. I'm going to absorb all the love the rest of our family has to offer. I'm going to enjoy watching the kids play. I will say a prayer that next year will be different. We ultimately have to decide what we can live with.
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Join Date: May 2008
Location: Burnsville, MN
Posts: 966
Foehn,
Thank you for your thread. I too know how difficult the holidays can be, how guilt producing. My son has been with us, not been with us, etc. The struggle through his addiction, homelessness, etc. has left me to not like the holidays. Even though he is presently clean - it is still a struggle with his sister (my daughter,) she has no contact with him so planning around them is tough.
I come from a large family (7 siblings,) so I try to get together with them and make the best of it.
I hope you find some peace and serenity with spending time with other family or friends.
Thank you for your thread. I too know how difficult the holidays can be, how guilt producing. My son has been with us, not been with us, etc. The struggle through his addiction, homelessness, etc. has left me to not like the holidays. Even though he is presently clean - it is still a struggle with his sister (my daughter,) she has no contact with him so planning around them is tough.
I come from a large family (7 siblings,) so I try to get together with them and make the best of it.
I hope you find some peace and serenity with spending time with other family or friends.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 731
Holidays....such a needed thread.
Ugh. I am going through the motions.
No motivation but I know that I will put up a Christmas tree with minimal gifts. I know that I will celebrate Christ's birth....HE is the one that gives me strength. He deserves my time. After all, my addict children and husband are in his hands.
I won't deny my disappointment and sadness. It's so natural.
I pray that you family gathering is wonderful. I pray that your son enters the halfway house and take care of his business. That way he can be sober and celebrate many other holidays with you.
Ugh. I am going through the motions.
No motivation but I know that I will put up a Christmas tree with minimal gifts. I know that I will celebrate Christ's birth....HE is the one that gives me strength. He deserves my time. After all, my addict children and husband are in his hands.
I won't deny my disappointment and sadness. It's so natural.
I pray that you family gathering is wonderful. I pray that your son enters the halfway house and take care of his business. That way he can be sober and celebrate many other holidays with you.
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: WA
Posts: 124
Oh, man...I have been thinking of starting a thread like this, but just can't bring myself to, cause I don't want someone to say "go ahead and invite her to dinner." And I really don't want to. But I want to. But I DON'T want to...but...you know how it goes.
I told my daughter Thanksgiving was being "changed up"...I didn't want to hurt her feelings by saying she's not wanted. (It will just be me and dad, her brother, sister in law, and their baby). She cried and said "but Thanksgiving is for family!"
I felt bad for fibbing...bad that she felt bad...sad because Thanksgiving was my favorite holiday...frustrated that she's not gotten better this year, in fact her situation is so much worse...angry at the addiction...incredible grief at the loss of our family traditions...
I told her I'd be glad to bring groceries so she could cook for the people she's staying with...I've sent her several texts today to let me know if she wants that and I've had no answer.
This whole things is just SO HEART-BREAKING to me and I hate it SO MUCH. There is no way to win, seems like. The only thing I hope is that she can see that she's finally losing the last of what she had - her family.
I told my daughter Thanksgiving was being "changed up"...I didn't want to hurt her feelings by saying she's not wanted. (It will just be me and dad, her brother, sister in law, and their baby). She cried and said "but Thanksgiving is for family!"
I felt bad for fibbing...bad that she felt bad...sad because Thanksgiving was my favorite holiday...frustrated that she's not gotten better this year, in fact her situation is so much worse...angry at the addiction...incredible grief at the loss of our family traditions...
I told her I'd be glad to bring groceries so she could cook for the people she's staying with...I've sent her several texts today to let me know if she wants that and I've had no answer.
This whole things is just SO HEART-BREAKING to me and I hate it SO MUCH. There is no way to win, seems like. The only thing I hope is that she can see that she's finally losing the last of what she had - her family.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Eastern Time Zone
Posts: 1,011
Ditto on what everybody said above. I do not want the drama (somebody has to pick him up, he's always late, he wants the driver to make a detour somewhere else making him more late, he might show up with some questionable friend that no one knows, all he wants to do is be by himself and watch tv when no one else is, he tries to make jokes that are pathetically immature, he piles the food on his plate like he did when he was 8 and thinks it is funny). Plus, because he has stolen from my home, I feel it is my responsibility to protect my family from him possibly stealing - good grief, the women have their purses all over, people take off watches or put their phone down somewhere in the house. If something were to go missing, they would do what we all did in the beginning and blame themselves for misplacing their stuff.
Happy Thanksgiving to all - thank goodness for this forum to bring this subject up. If I called this into a Christian radio therapist, I would be told to "show him love and invite him over." No thanks. Dr. Laura I could count on to be more realistic.
Happy Thanksgiving to all - thank goodness for this forum to bring this subject up. If I called this into a Christian radio therapist, I would be told to "show him love and invite him over." No thanks. Dr. Laura I could count on to be more realistic.
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: WA
Posts: 124
Originally Posted by sojourner 
If I called this into a Christian radio therapist, I would be told to "show him love and invite him over."
That's where my heart is. I'm a Christian and I am having a really hard time with the Beatitudes: Do unto others...when I was hungry you fed me...when I was in prison...if you did it to the least of these you've done it unto Me...etc.
I feel UNchristian to leave her homeless, penniless, fending for herself. Even though the girl is 30 years old, I see her as my little one who is alone and lonely. Where do we stop doing our Christian duty and let them find their own way and still do the "right" thing.
In my devotions this morning there was talk of making sure everyone was accounted for at the Holidays - that no one feels left out and abandoned, hungry or alone. WHY does that apply to strangers and not to my daughter?
Just so confusing to a mama's way of thinking...
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Eastern Time Zone
Posts: 1,011
Hi YouWillBe:
Bless your heart. I too am a strong Christian. My kids were in church from the time they were born. Lots of activities with the youth group. I am very grateful to God for His hand in our lives... HOWEVER, I have learned that enabling and loving do not go hand-in-hand. Conversely, not enabling and not loving do not go hand-in-hand.
I do not want to kidnap this thread, so I will PM you some more... Look up at the top where it says, "Welcome, YouWillBe" for a PM notification.
Keep coming back!!
Bless your heart. I too am a strong Christian. My kids were in church from the time they were born. Lots of activities with the youth group. I am very grateful to God for His hand in our lives... HOWEVER, I have learned that enabling and loving do not go hand-in-hand. Conversely, not enabling and not loving do not go hand-in-hand.
I do not want to kidnap this thread, so I will PM you some more... Look up at the top where it says, "Welcome, YouWillBe" for a PM notification.
Keep coming back!!
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Michigan
Posts: 2,910
How I feel for all of us during the holidays. My son's problem just came out to the extended family. We usually go to my cousins for Thanksgiving and she called me about 2 weeks ago and disinvited him. She also said that if I had to stay home to "watch" him she understood. I am so hurt. He is actually doing very well right now. Makes me sorry that I even told anyone about our struggles, We are having Thanksgiving at our house (his room contents have been in my dining and living room for 3 months since the incident) with my husband and I, my son and my daughter and her boyfriend. My sister will be going to cousins she will be the only guest. My daughter thinks I should make up with my cousin but I am so hurt that she won't allow him in her home...**sigh** Christmas will probably be more of the same.
After the disinvite,,my husband called her and told her that "family sticks with family" and that none of us would be there..bless his heart. But I am still very hurt. Exspecially with how well he has been doing..this is how he is rewarded!
After the disinvite,,my husband called her and told her that "family sticks with family" and that none of us would be there..bless his heart. But I am still very hurt. Exspecially with how well he has been doing..this is how he is rewarded!
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 98
LovesToTravel, it may be too new for your cousin to be ready to deal with this holiday season and you don't know what she may have dealt with regarding addiction. I would cut her some slack and see how things go in future years.
For those who are strong Christians, I think there are some teachings that encourage enabling. Sometimes, it is an act of love to say no. We don't feed our babies candy to the exclusion of everything else.
For those who are strong Christians, I think there are some teachings that encourage enabling. Sometimes, it is an act of love to say no. We don't feed our babies candy to the exclusion of everything else.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
The Golden Rule!
Would I ask others to invite me into their homes and feed me, so I could disrupt, disrespect, lie and steal? If I would, then I need to head back out to wander the wilderness and fast for another 40 days!
Would I ask others to invite me into their homes and feed me, so I could disrupt, disrespect, lie and steal? If I would, then I need to head back out to wander the wilderness and fast for another 40 days!
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,927
Originally Posted by LovesToTravel
How I feel for all of us during the holidays. My son's problem just came out to the extended family. We usually go to my cousins for Thanksgiving and she called me about 2 weeks ago and disinvited him. She also said that if I had to stay home to "watch" him she understood. I am so hurt. He is actually doing very well right now. Makes me sorry that I even told anyone about our struggles, We are having Thanksgiving at our house (his room contents have been in my dining and living room for 3 months since the incident) with my husband and I, my son and my daughter and her boyfriend. My sister will be going to cousins she will be the only guest. My daughter thinks I should make up with my cousin but I am so hurt that she won't allow him in her home...**sigh** Christmas will probably be more of the same.
After the disinvite,,my husband called her and told her that "family sticks with family" and that none of us would be there..bless his heart. But I am still very hurt. Exspecially with how well he has been doing..this is how he is rewarded!
After the disinvite,,my husband called her and told her that "family sticks with family" and that none of us would be there..bless his heart. But I am still very hurt. Exspecially with how well he has been doing..this is how he is rewarded!
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Somewhere out there
Posts: 2,249
I am glad someone else started this thread. I've been thinking about it a lot. Youwillbe I too am a Christian and it hurts me so bad to know I will most likely be telling my son soon he has 24 hours to find another place to live.............and it is Thanksgiving. My son has been out of rehab since September. He had over 100 days clean. He relapsed a few weeks ago and tonight we have no idea where he is. He is acting sketchy again. Every word, every action seems suspicious. We are both wide awake wondering what he is doing. My holiday is already stressful. I hate the holidays. I feel for each and every one of you and pray for all of us every night. I do not know what living in peace is. I feel sick and am so tired of this. I hate drugs, I hate addiction. It takes the entire family down. I hope all of us can find something to be thankful for and try to focus on those things. Our addicts seem to take our full attention when there are other loved ones who deserve it as well. I have to try ans focus on them and on God and know HE is with me no matter what.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Georgia
Posts: 76
I'm another mom and a Christian with the same thoughts. I long for a NORMAL family life!!! It seems the holidays are clouded by sadness and our son's addiction.
Our youngest son, days away from being 25, is on the same merry go round. He has been in and out of rehab, sober living, jail and *near death more than my husband and I will ever know.
He was kicked out of S/L about 2 weeks ago and is currently living in an extended stay. For now he works at a car wash when the weather allows.
The double edge sword is that this morning he rec'd the very last installment from his trust fund. So of course he is now riding high and on top of the world.
I'm tired and afraid knowing he has this much money in his hands. This morning I text him about Thanksgiving tomorrow, I was hoping I (the taxi queen) could pick him up this afternoon and he could stay in our home until Friday afternoon. He totaled his car earlier this year!!
My son's txt reply was "Sorry but I was gonna be drinking tonight to be honest."
He has always been pretty honest about wanting to use. SIGH!!
I was so mad I text him back and said "you're an ass"
His reply was "sorry I need to relax" I'm not doing dope. I've been taking my naltrexone."
So I replied back "your still an ass".
That was this morning but now I'm concerned if he is taking naltrexone and using alcohol. UGH!!.
I know this is all out of my control but I am so DAMNED ANGRY. My thoughts are of
HOW SELFISH HE IS and now he will be drinking and who know's what else. He has said he will only drink, that's his new game plan..... ONCE AGAIN.... he's been there and done that before!!!! He is also a heroin user or whatever else he can get his hands on user!! SIGH!!!!
I feel like telling him he can celebrate Thanksgiving on his own! But the worry in me won't let me!
He will most likely come home and be a strung out zombie.
I didn't plan on venting this much, and I'm sorry that we as parent's are having to go through this with our children.
I know that Thanksgiving is all about being thankful and having a heart of gratitude and thanking GOD for what we have. I remind myself daily that my life is blessed, there are so many other people suffering and dealing with even more heartache than I.
May everyone have a Blessed Thanksgiving and may God's continued grace be upon US and our loved ones!
Our youngest son, days away from being 25, is on the same merry go round. He has been in and out of rehab, sober living, jail and *near death more than my husband and I will ever know.
He was kicked out of S/L about 2 weeks ago and is currently living in an extended stay. For now he works at a car wash when the weather allows.
The double edge sword is that this morning he rec'd the very last installment from his trust fund. So of course he is now riding high and on top of the world.
I'm tired and afraid knowing he has this much money in his hands. This morning I text him about Thanksgiving tomorrow, I was hoping I (the taxi queen) could pick him up this afternoon and he could stay in our home until Friday afternoon. He totaled his car earlier this year!!
My son's txt reply was "Sorry but I was gonna be drinking tonight to be honest."
He has always been pretty honest about wanting to use. SIGH!!
I was so mad I text him back and said "you're an ass"
His reply was "sorry I need to relax" I'm not doing dope. I've been taking my naltrexone."
So I replied back "your still an ass".
That was this morning but now I'm concerned if he is taking naltrexone and using alcohol. UGH!!.
I know this is all out of my control but I am so DAMNED ANGRY. My thoughts are of
HOW SELFISH HE IS and now he will be drinking and who know's what else. He has said he will only drink, that's his new game plan..... ONCE AGAIN.... he's been there and done that before!!!! He is also a heroin user or whatever else he can get his hands on user!! SIGH!!!!
I feel like telling him he can celebrate Thanksgiving on his own! But the worry in me won't let me!
He will most likely come home and be a strung out zombie.
I didn't plan on venting this much, and I'm sorry that we as parent's are having to go through this with our children.
I know that Thanksgiving is all about being thankful and having a heart of gratitude and thanking GOD for what we have. I remind myself daily that my life is blessed, there are so many other people suffering and dealing with even more heartache than I.
May everyone have a Blessed Thanksgiving and may God's continued grace be upon US and our loved ones!
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