brugmansia

Every morning I've been waking up with new realizations of how horribly and careless this man has treated me. This cold and mean discarding directly after finding out about Aexbf cheating has me so sick inside with fury and frustration. He got caught, and he was brutal in how he handled it. It all seems to come down to blaming myself and having to take responsibility for my choices, while he gets off scot-free for all the hurt he was caused, I am left holding the bag of all the ugly feelings.

The last communication from him was a quick message-
"This is horrible. Not knowing how you are." Which I feel was him testing the waters to see if I would tell the new woman that he was still involved with me up until 3 weeks ago. I can't communicate with him because I know he will just hurt me more.

I feel like sending her all the texts and pictures he had been sending me. He also said to me in our last conversation that the reason he is with her was because of loneliness. He just lies and lies and lies. She may have no idea of his past criminal history and heroin use. I want to hurt him like he has hurt me, and it is making me ill.

When he left me, he had stolen money from me, another betrayal. I never told his family the reason. I am sure he told them some twisted lie. This morning I was consumed with trying to figure out a way to have him feel some consequences (he skipped out on debts in this state).

Has anyone been through this? How do you heal, or at least find relief for a while throughout the day and some hope? I feel so damaged-I may not be able to trust fully ever again. There is no way I am ready for dating feeling this way. I am having a hard time eating, working and am isolating.

Please help with any experience, strength, and hope in dealing with this. I feel so alone. I am battling with contacting him.

Please be as gentle as you can-in pain right now. I know I am responsible for my feelings, which is why I am here looking for help and support.

Kindeyes

First let me say that I am so sorry for the anguish you are feeling right now. Addiction and the lies and betrayal that come with it are devastating......and yet the addict feels that his/her addiction is not "hurting anyone else".

Getting through these feelings is going to take time to process.....there were times that I couldn't even IDENTIFY the feelings I was having because there were so many bombarding me all at one time......I couldn't differentiate between them. It just felt like one big ball of pain manifesting in the pit of my stomach.....no....in every fiber of my being. So sometimes.....identifying them......and writing down each emotion and why I feel that way helps me to separate all of the feelings so that I can deal with them one at a time.

There is no useful purpose to acting on any of the things that you may want to do right now. Hurting him will not make your hurt better. I've tried that route and.....man.....can that one backfire!

Most of us here have been damaged by the shrapnel of an addicted loved one's activities. We've had to process the hurt.....and we've survived......and so will you.

Take care of you first and foremost........

gentle hugs
ke

brugmansia

Thank you so much for responding. I felt really crappy about letting these thoughts and feelings out in the open and tried to erase this thread out of embarrassment. Couldn't find a button.

Trying to make a plan to get out of this emotional state today. Give him power to ruin my day entirely is not what I want. I am clear on that.

This are some of the consequences of my addiction(that hurts myself as well as others), my co-dependence. I really hope this is my bottom. I feel it is.

hopeful4

Hugs to you. I think you need to give yourself a break, you have went through some hard times and anger is one of the stages. I believe it is fine to be angry, but if it starts to consume you, it's a problem. You are correct, this is just giving him and the horrible situation it was/is more power over your life.

Acknowledge you are angry. Acknowledge it is time to move on in life in a positive manner in which YOU are healing. I hope you are getting support for you in all of this? I attend Celebrate Recovery for codependency and it has been extremely helpful in my life and allows me not only to vent some of that anger in a positive environment but to heal from it with support from people who truly know what I am going through.

Hugs! Keep posting..you are not alone!

brugmansia

I want to write him back and say:

"You are a liar, a thief, a cheating man. A con man. All 4 are deal breakers for any more communication between us. I just regret I could have seen it for what it really was earlier. Do not ever contact me again."

But I won't.


This sounds assertive but may be manipulative. I don't trust myself anymore. I need a sponsor.

hopeful4

You do need a sponsor! Go get one! Attend meetings and support your own healing from all of this! I would love to know how many of us codependents suffer from PTSD. And I don't really see any reason you should not say just what you said. You want no further contact. You have a right to that.

Hugs!

Kindeyes

He already knows that he is all of those things. You wouldn't be enlightening him...you would simply be opening yourself up for more hurt. It's simply not worth it. But.....you already know that.

I'm glad you weren't able to erase the post. It's extremely healthy to get that stuff OUT in a safe environment. "He" is not a safe environment for you.

This is your path to recovery from a very harmful relationship.....we'll walk it with you. You deserve a partner who is kind, loving, thoughtful......and unfortunately, an addict will struggle to be any of those things as long as they are in active addiction. And we will be disappointed to expect it of them.

gentle hugs
ke

AnvilheadII

IMHO, your best plan right now is complete and utter silence where he is concerned. when we institute NO CONTACT we do not rely upon THEM to respect or respond appropriately. WE go no contact, we cut off all forms of communication, we do not engage, strike out or even blink in their direction. we do this for US.

time and distance are your best friends. well and us of course!!!

brugmansia

I feel like I need to stand up for myself. my last words to him were a text:

"How can you so swiftly cut me out of your life this way?"

"I can't do this." was his answer. I am filled with a mixture of hatred and mourning. It's a pretty vile combination.

I don't know if he's using presently. He does not have a program of recovery, that I do know. Doesn't believe in 12 step.

I am going to go vacuum my car and cry.

Thank you for being here.

hopeful4

You want him to answer questions he cannot/will not. He can cut you out of his life b/c he is an a$$. He is not going to say that, so he is going to say, "I cannot do this."
You need a counselor who can help you work out these feelings. By sending that text you are engaging him and the drama will continue. Sometimes as codependents we are also so usto drama that when it is not there it takes some adjustment, or did for me. You cannot expect him to give you these answers. Addicts HATE to admit character flaws!
Please stay safe and get some help for you!

brugmansia

I sent him the text three weeks ago. No contact since, just to clarify.

hopeful4

Good! Please don't think I am being critical..believe me...been there! Glad to hear you say it was three weeks ago. You may not recognize it...but that my dear is progress!

neferkamichael

Brugmansia, please move on, rootin for ya.

MLJ88

Sometimes the best medicine is a GOOD CRY, it helps us to let out a bunch of bottled up emotion. Then once you've cried it all out- go do something for you, something you enjoy. It can be a hot bubble bath, a girls night with some friends, a good jog, or a little shopping. One foot in front of the other. Try to give yourself one thing a day that you enjoy- it will help bring you joy. And I bet after a while- you will feel a huge relief that he is gone.

overit263

Crying helps. Then laughing helps, then crying again. I did this in a few public places at the beginning. Then I laughed at myself for crying in public because, sheesh those poor people that dealt with me on those days! You do have to feel the feelings unfortunately, and you will feel better eventually. You will appreciate the fact that he's gone.

brugmansia

Thanks everyone for responding and giving support. I am so grateful. You have all assisted me with your experience and just by being here. This is a very special healing place to come to.

Self worth is at rock bottom. I have no idea how to love myself more than the person I am with(or not with now). So when the love from a man is removed, it is such a struggle to take care of myself and not reject myself even more harshly(much more harshly actually).

I guess this is my gift, chance and time in life to learn how to love me, consistently, even if no one else does.. Anyone have any recommendations for interactive websites like this one on learning how to love yourself? Is there a forum here for loving yourself? I would like to focus on learning how to do this.



This morning was a little better, that's hopeful. I want to feel enthusiastic about my life again. It's been years since I felt that way.

Kindeyes

I would recommend a book called "The gifts of Imperfection" by Brene Brown.

I learned how to love myself.....but also how to appropriately love other people through private therapy and at Nar-Anon meetings. Private therapy was expensive.....Nar-Anon was free. Believe me.....there were some people in those Nar-Anon meetings who drove me absolutely nuts for a long time. But eventually, I learned tolerance. I learned about self care. I learned how to forgive myself (and others). I learned that it's OK not to want to be around someone.....even if I love them......if the interactions are not healthy. I learned acceptance. I understand now what I have power over and what I do not. I learned that the key to loving myself is being true to myself, taking care of me, and letting go of that which I do not control. I learned that it's not my job to take other people's inventory. I learned that loving myself is a life imperative.

If I focus on taking care of myself, listening to my gut, being true to me, addressing my own inventory......I really don't have time to devote inordinate amounts of time focusing on the character flaws of others. There is an effortlessness in loving other healthy people. But to do it well, I need to focus on my own mental, psychological, physical, and spiritual health.

Take care of you.

gentle hugs
ke

brugmansia

Thank you kindeyes for the reply.

I get an intensely panicky feeling when I realize that it's up to me to take care of me emotionally and in the area of love. I have a horrible track record of taking care of myself this way, although I do [I]okay[I] in some ways. So I guess I don't(the inner child doesn't?) have any faith or trust I can do it.

One of the reasons I am realizing I allowed this relationship to continue for too long despite being treated poorly was- I smoke. Which is just as unhealthy and is also a drug and my addiction. I have a lot of guilt and shame about it. In fact- been smoking almost a pack a day since this breakup. (usually 1/2 a pack)

I have a goal to be down to five cigs a day by the end of the year. Heading over to the smoking forum now. Being free of this would be the best thing and release so much internal fear shame and anxiety, it's constantly on my mind.

KariSue

One thing at a time.... You are hurting. You don't need to concern yourself, in my opinion, with anything other than not contacting him and doing whatever makes you feel better and enables you to move forward. Period. If it really makes you feel better to tackle smoking now then do it. Personally, I would put it on the back burner for now. Not trying to be bossy but smoking would be the least of my worries (although I'm not a smoker so maybe it would bother me more if I were).

My first priority would be getting some counseling. In the meantime, besides letting your feelings out here (which is an excellent idea) you could get a spiral notebook and write out how you feel. Say all the things you want to to him but on paper. Never send it to him or contact him. Some people do this and then shred it or burn it. It helps more than you might think it would.

I guess my point is to be good to yourself. You are hurting right now so do things to comfort you for as long as it takes. You certainly more than deserve it and don't think you don't.

Big hugs, Kari

Vale

================================================== =======

Damn you, Anvil ! You always take the best words out of my mouth!
I KNOW that great minds think alike........but why do YOUR WORDS
get from keyboard to SR faster?!?!?!

(I mean....besides your thinking of them first?!)

Vale- a semi-suitable substitute when the SR 'greats' don't feel
like posting.......AND a "no contact" disciple!