DoPerdition

I never should have had that first drink. I was eleven and it was Thanksgiving. Everyone was plastered, including the kids. I was the youngest kid there, and split a bottle of champagne with my sister. No one tried to stop us.

I remember being surprised that I didn't feel drunk.

I only drank sporadically as a teenager but the behaviors were already sneaky and alarming. I would pour alcohol into a bottle of iced tea and go to school sometimes. Not often, but I used it to cope.

I was raised by my AGF. He began drinking at the age of 15 and by the time I was born, he was well into the middle to late stages of the disease. He passed away this year a hollow shell of a man. Alcohol came in and slowly siphoned his soul away and replaced it with a rabid addict. His mind deteriorated into dementia. It was all caused by the bottle.

He was terribly emotionally abusive. His brain was starting to change from the booze. He began to give off a smell as his liver function failed gradually. I was disgusted with him and angry, yet I found myself drinking quietly or getting drunk and feeling like I was closer to him. I didn't even drink with him as a teen but somehow it made me feel bonded.

When he died, I was pregnant and I had stopped drinking though I was a dry drunk. He died three weeks after my son was born. As soon as I could, I started drinking again. I have no idea why. His death really shook me. I knew from the day he died that I was an alcoholic. I knew it without a doubt. It took me five months to finally make the decision to get sober.

I am powerless over alcohol. It is a family disease and for me is as much a part of nurture as nature. I know now that I can never have another drink. I am choosing to learn from his mistakes and get myself healthy and sober. I want to have a life. I don't want the walls to close around me like they did for him. He died in agony, terrified, confused and worst of all ashamed.

I caught this problem early. I have a loooong road ahead of me but I am determined to stay the course. To any spouses of alcoholics who have children, I urge you to really evaluate the mental healthiness of your environment for your children. I was in therapy nearly all of my childhood. I think this gave me the self awareness to see myself objectively, though thanks to alcohol, it took me over 15 years to decide to clean up. I feel as though a weight has been lifted for me. Alcohol never has to be a problem in my life again. What a relief!

Thanks for reading!

Kialua

Welcome. I too drank as a teen, brought it to school, hid it and drank to excess. My first drink was champagne at a wedding too. People are so clueless about that, having so much alcohol around and not watching the kids at events. While I hated my father being drunk, I drank just as much and hated that I was drinking. You will find a lot of information here that can help. Read through the stickies above and see if you relate to any of it.