FLBeachGuy

Greetings everyone,

I am new to the site and new to sobriety. I am on day 11. I had previously strung 2 months together on my own while working through issues with my wife. I relapsed and we both threw in the towel. She is currently moving out on Wednesday. We haven't slept in the same bed for months. I feel a lot of shame and guilt for drinking and the relationship.

I have read that during the first year of sobriety you should avoid stress and major changes, but I am faced with a divorce, telling my parents or she will, not having very many friends from the marriage and drinking.

I'm not really sure what my question is. Has anyone been through this or have any advice for me?

MemphisBlues

I haven't experienced going through a divorce in my first year of recovery, but many other life changes, including living in a foreign country. I think sometimes sobriety finds us more than we find sobriety.

That said, divorce is certainly one of the most tragic situations we can experience, ranking up there with the death of a loved one.

Our addictions cause incredible pain to those around us. Whether sobriety will mend the relationship is an unknown, but certainly active addiction will not.

It's a time of profound change with the only hoped for positive being you will be a better person sober than drunk.

Divorce will certainly make staying sober harder. But it just might me that bottom many in recovery find they must first hit before climbing out of the hole.

Threshold

I have been through it.

Truth is, drinking doesn't fix anything. Doesn't make the divorce not happen. Doesn't pack the moving truck. Doesn't make the kids and family think any better of us. Doesn't pay the lawyer. Doesn't make the sense of loss go away. Doesn't make us feel any better about ourselves.

The suggestion that we don't make any big changes the first year is great...if life happens to play along..Mine didn't.

Our fear is that we can't live sober. That we can't face life sober. We can. All of it. That's the good news. It feels weird at first, uncomfortable, scary, even wrong, but if we don't drink, we learn quicker that we CAN live sober.

And we come face to face with the real question...do we WANT to live sober? Are we willing to live sober?

I found myself face to face with that question. Was I willing to go through this experience sober? That was just between me, myself and I. When total honesty was necessary, when all the other details fell away.

It really wasn't about "can I do it sober?" I could, but was I willing to?

firstymer

I was still drinking when my marriage fell apart. I didn't get sober until after the divorce. For me, if I could have stayed sober while the unraveling occurred, I could have at least taken comfort in knowing that any decisions that I made were made with a relatively clear mind. And a lot less guilt.

That said, my advice is to focus all of your energy on the sobriety. That much is within your control. If the marriage falls apart in spite of your efforts, it may have just not been meant to be.

Congratulations on the 11 days. That is a very important achievement. Build on that.

Good luck. I am glad you are here with us.

Dee74

Welcome FLbeachguy - I'm sorry for your situation.
Some stress and some changes are out of our control, unfortunately.

Just know you've found an awesome place for support - glad to have you join us
D

least

It's said not to "make" any big changes in the first year. This big change is being made for you so you don't have any choice in the matter. Your biggest responsibility now is to stay sober and work on improving your life. Just focus on that for now.

FLBeachGuy

Thank You All, every kind word and story helps.

EndGameNYC

There have been many studies on this, and one of the findings is fairly representative of most of them: "Over the course of the nine-year study, nearly 50 percent of couples where only one partner drank more heavily wound up divorcing, while the divorce rates for other couples was only 30 percent. ("Heavy drinking" was defined as drinking six or more drinks at one time or drinking to intoxication.)"

Couples who drink together tend to stay together longer and more frequently.

Heavy drinking is bad for marriage if one spouse drinks, but not both - News Center

That said, the only thing left to do is get sober.

Heartfan82

There seems to be a common theme here on the newcomer's forum tonight,
you will probably find a lot of good advice by also reading other threads by people going through the same thing as you are.

Welcome to this recovery site, it's really a lifeline to so many of us dealing with addiction.

I wish you peace and well-being on your sober journey,
~Heartfan

MythOfSisyphus

Welcome, FLBeachGuy. Sorry to hear what you're going through. I got divorced 20 years ago and it was maybe the most painful experience of my life up to then. And while I didn't see it at the time my drinking played a huge role in it.

You can't control what others do, only yourself. It may be too late to save your marriage but you can still save your life.

FLBeachGuy

The moving truck just left and we said goodbye.

I'm filled with guilt and regret with the things I have done on alcohol. I find myself playing the whatif game, what if I didn't slip at two months last time, what if I didn't slip the month before last time, etc. I feel I've caused her so much pain and have made a mess of everyone's life.

I'm far beyond physical withdrawal. The mental trickery part is next. I heard the AV last night, "she'll be gone, no one is looking over your shoulder, you can drink freely". But that was squashed pretty quickly, "I don't need you".

I'm sure there will be many more urges.

I know I can't change the past, but I feel awful for the mistakes I have made and how I am seen in my (ex)loved ones eyes. I can't blame her for leaving me.

I just wanted to give an update and say thank you all for your support and comments.

Nonsensical

Tough holiday, brother. If you've nowhere else to be, you can join the Thanksgiving weekend thread. We take all manner of stragglers, stugglers and misfits.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-day-here.html

I also have many regrets. You still have the opportunity to fix YOU. What if....you do?

EndGameNYC

Sorry to read about all this. I've been through something similar on more than one occasion. Two or three or a hundred major heartbreaks while I was drinking apparently weren't enough for me to stop and get help. The thing is, I believe that had I known that my relationships would end in tears in advance, I doubt I would have stopped drinking.

AA has marathon meetings beginning on the day before Thanksgiving and Christmas Eve that end on the night of each holiday. Don't make the mistake of placing yourself in danger by isolating this weekend. Go get some help and some support. You may convince yourself that it's a waste of time or that it won't change anything, but you might be surprised at just how helpful taking the simple action to reach out can be.

Hawkeye13

Hi FLBeachguy;
I know this is a very hard time, but it can also be a new beginning.
Please take care of yourself and do try to reach out over the holiday.
The SR Holiday thread is a no-brainer--good company and can be done from home.

EndGame's idea about AA is a good one, or also don't forget about helping serve food
at a shelter, etc.

Sometimes helping others can be the best help for ourselves.

Keep posting and working on your recovery and be kind to yourself right now.

FLBeachGuy

This will be my first night in this house alone. We had just moved in a few months ago. Most all the furniture is gone: I have a bed, a couch, and a tv. The kitchen remodel is almost done, still missing the countertop. It's a very cold night for me in Florida, supposed to get to 40s (Northerners please don't laugh).

I told her I loved as she left and she told me the same. The night before we had talked and I told her I was still in love with her. She cried and said she loved me but could never be with me again. I had to try one last time.

I still feel a big loss. The loss of something that was once so precious to me, to her, to us - our love. In reality it is probably more like something that me drinking threw away - didn't appreciate. All. Because. of. Alcohol. I f*&#ng hate alcohol. I feel bankrupt, used, abused, a shell of myself. I was thinking today I also really lost myself , who the hell am I? what the hell happened?

I know most of the posts are to look forward and not to dwell on the past. But this is a very fresh open wound.

Anyway, just wanted to get some of this out as it is therapeutic and the forums have been such a help while I start my recovery.

She told me when she left to be kind to yourself.

Dee74

That was good advice I think.

Some of us start the rebuild of our lives from a place of pretty near total ruin - it's hard, but it will get better - and you're not alone

I live in the Pacific and yeah anything under 50F is cold for me - rug up man

D

NoJimmy

33-days ago I felt very similar. I had just destroyed the relationship with the woman I love, and her daughters who mean the world to me no longer looked up to me because of my idiot behavior. The first couple weeks were very rough to say the last, very little ability to sleep or focus, and my self hate and regret was unbearable. Somehow I made it through, and today things are actually starting to go fairly decently. She hasn't taken me back, but she still loves me, and that door hasn't closed totally. But I have realized along the way, that I can only work my side of the equation. The more I accept that, and the more I focus on what I can fix/do, the better everything around me seems to go. I was told similar things 3-4 weeks ago and wasn't interested to hear about it. I needed to grieve and be angry with myself for a period, it seemed necessary (for me anyway). But it certainly does get better. Hang in there

FLBeachGuy

Thanks NoJimmy, it helps to know I'm not alone and that other people have gone through it. Sorry for your loss and congratulations on 33 days.

girlsearching

FLBeachGuy, Sorry you are having to deal with so much at once. Just staying sober is so overwhelming. I'm new on this site too and I think if we all support each other maybe we will all find better, healthier times ahead. Focus on you my friend and everything else will fall into place. (at least that's my motto for now). When you do feel down, at least you got that nice FL sunshine to pick you up.

Nonsensical

When I arrested my drinking I was on the verge of losing my wife and family. Probably a few more weeks or months would have pushed her past the point of no return.

I am very sorry for what you are going through. The hurt really comes through in your posts. But, if it's any consolation at all, your posts help keep me motivated to not go down that road you are walking.

Go easy, friend.

Happy Thanksgiving.