Just want to share
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Guildford
Posts: 1
Just want to share
Hi, I've just registered on this forum, I've looked at it a few times in the past but never really thought sharing anything on here would help that much or that there is an answer to my problems.
My mum has always had a bit of a drinking problem, I started to summarise it but I'm just fed up of thinking about it. My Dad died of lung cancer a couple of months ago, my mum always bullied him and he just took it, never answering back. I don't know how he stood her for so long. We always hoped he would out live her and we could look after him in his retirement and make up for the misery she put him through. Sometimes I feel really bad for her and since my Dad got ill I've have been helping her lots, I can hide my feelings and I am nice and sympathetic with her. Today I have a day off work and I was supposed to take her to a hospital appointment for a leg ulcer but my sister is going to call her and say my neck muscle has gone into spasm so I can't drive. I just don't want to see her. She seemed a bit better for a few days but I called yesterday, suggesting I take her to the cinema and she just started with all her lies and exaggerating again. She says she works 18 hours days, when my Dad was ill I stayed with them every weekend looking after him and working in the newsagent they run, getting up at 4am to do the papers and staying up until 10-11pm when my Dad would fall asleep. During this time and many years leading up to this I rarely saw her actually working in the shop, she was always in her office 'doing the accounts' or just having a cigarette. She has worked hard but 18 hours is just a ridiculous exaggeration. She now says the time me and my younger sister spent there helping her are what have made her ill - this is her referring to her leg ulcer and the nausea and weakness she has been experiencing lately. She's just such a nasty person, for her birthday last year me and my younger sister took her out for lunch and to see a film and as soon as we'd ordered our food she turned round and told me that the cat I had since I was 14 that had died 6 years earlier was actually buried in the garden even though I had asked for the vet to take him away. I just loved him so much it felt weird, like it would be to bury a family member in your own garden. She obviously only said this to hurt me, I just don't know why she does it. The cat was quite ill before it died and was getting quite weak and the vet told us we could have a few days with it but it would be best to put it down. She called the vet out while I was at work one day and had it done before I could say goodbye. I hear my firends talk about their mothers and it just feels so unfair. I hate her so much but I feel so guilty too. I had an eating disorder when I was a teenager and quite severe body image issues, nothing that was ever treated as no one seemed to care enough to do anything. I am a healthy weight now and eat really healthy, healthy fats and protein and carbs, etc and enjoy lots of different type of exercise. She still makes comments though about how she's lost weight and I know she does it just to try and compete with me or get a rise out of me or something. I am a really placid person and it takes a lot for me to show my anger at her. The last time I was rude to her was just after my dad died. I saw him on a Wednesday night, and she came in his room and was so nasty so him, telling him he had really left her in the sh*t and how he had 'twisted the knife in her back' and how she'd be glad when he was dead. He was such a lovely man and the church was packed at his funeral, everyone loved him and he deserved so much more than her. She called me the next day as I was driving home from work to tell me that he had died. My two sisters and I arranged the funeral, we wanted to give any donations to the hospital he stayed at to raise money for a new CT scanner but she said it had to go a stroke charity. I wanted to have his name in blue and white flowers at the funeral since he was well known in the community and since a lot of people were expected at the funeral I thought it would be something nice for them. She said this was too ostentatious and made a massive fuss, even though she had previously said we should get 'Up the spurs' in flowers since that was his favourite football team. I didn't speak to her from the night he died for about a week and then called her being really nice to discuss the flowers and she said no again, she said she wanted red roses in a heart shape from her, which me and my sisters would have to order, so I told her that seemed inappropriate cause she didn't act as if she loved him. I was shaking so hard, she hung up on me and I felt guilty about it for a while.
Anyway, I guess I didn't really mention the drinking much, she started drinking in the morning after Dad died, she's always drunk a lot, if you phone after 7pm she's usually slurring. I don't think she will ever get better. She's 63 now, I know I won;t be able to cut contact with her because of the guilt. I feel better for writing this. At the moment I really just hope I get to see my dad again one day and he has gone to a better place.
My mum has always had a bit of a drinking problem, I started to summarise it but I'm just fed up of thinking about it. My Dad died of lung cancer a couple of months ago, my mum always bullied him and he just took it, never answering back. I don't know how he stood her for so long. We always hoped he would out live her and we could look after him in his retirement and make up for the misery she put him through. Sometimes I feel really bad for her and since my Dad got ill I've have been helping her lots, I can hide my feelings and I am nice and sympathetic with her. Today I have a day off work and I was supposed to take her to a hospital appointment for a leg ulcer but my sister is going to call her and say my neck muscle has gone into spasm so I can't drive. I just don't want to see her. She seemed a bit better for a few days but I called yesterday, suggesting I take her to the cinema and she just started with all her lies and exaggerating again. She says she works 18 hours days, when my Dad was ill I stayed with them every weekend looking after him and working in the newsagent they run, getting up at 4am to do the papers and staying up until 10-11pm when my Dad would fall asleep. During this time and many years leading up to this I rarely saw her actually working in the shop, she was always in her office 'doing the accounts' or just having a cigarette. She has worked hard but 18 hours is just a ridiculous exaggeration. She now says the time me and my younger sister spent there helping her are what have made her ill - this is her referring to her leg ulcer and the nausea and weakness she has been experiencing lately. She's just such a nasty person, for her birthday last year me and my younger sister took her out for lunch and to see a film and as soon as we'd ordered our food she turned round and told me that the cat I had since I was 14 that had died 6 years earlier was actually buried in the garden even though I had asked for the vet to take him away. I just loved him so much it felt weird, like it would be to bury a family member in your own garden. She obviously only said this to hurt me, I just don't know why she does it. The cat was quite ill before it died and was getting quite weak and the vet told us we could have a few days with it but it would be best to put it down. She called the vet out while I was at work one day and had it done before I could say goodbye. I hear my firends talk about their mothers and it just feels so unfair. I hate her so much but I feel so guilty too. I had an eating disorder when I was a teenager and quite severe body image issues, nothing that was ever treated as no one seemed to care enough to do anything. I am a healthy weight now and eat really healthy, healthy fats and protein and carbs, etc and enjoy lots of different type of exercise. She still makes comments though about how she's lost weight and I know she does it just to try and compete with me or get a rise out of me or something. I am a really placid person and it takes a lot for me to show my anger at her. The last time I was rude to her was just after my dad died. I saw him on a Wednesday night, and she came in his room and was so nasty so him, telling him he had really left her in the sh*t and how he had 'twisted the knife in her back' and how she'd be glad when he was dead. He was such a lovely man and the church was packed at his funeral, everyone loved him and he deserved so much more than her. She called me the next day as I was driving home from work to tell me that he had died. My two sisters and I arranged the funeral, we wanted to give any donations to the hospital he stayed at to raise money for a new CT scanner but she said it had to go a stroke charity. I wanted to have his name in blue and white flowers at the funeral since he was well known in the community and since a lot of people were expected at the funeral I thought it would be something nice for them. She said this was too ostentatious and made a massive fuss, even though she had previously said we should get 'Up the spurs' in flowers since that was his favourite football team. I didn't speak to her from the night he died for about a week and then called her being really nice to discuss the flowers and she said no again, she said she wanted red roses in a heart shape from her, which me and my sisters would have to order, so I told her that seemed inappropriate cause she didn't act as if she loved him. I was shaking so hard, she hung up on me and I felt guilty about it for a while.
Anyway, I guess I didn't really mention the drinking much, she started drinking in the morning after Dad died, she's always drunk a lot, if you phone after 7pm she's usually slurring. I don't think she will ever get better. She's 63 now, I know I won;t be able to cut contact with her because of the guilt. I feel better for writing this. At the moment I really just hope I get to see my dad again one day and he has gone to a better place.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Southern USA
Posts: 36
I am sorry to hear of your problems with your mom. This is not all that uncommon. My wife had a similar relationship with her mother, and my father with his. As for help, well, you've come to the right place. It took a lot of courage to write what you did. This is a big step in the right direction. You will find support and insight from the people on this forum. Focus on you, and learn to do the things that will make you better. Let go of the things you can't change, and take care of yourself. Welcome to SR.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Hello and Welcome to SR! You are in a good place for support.
First off...hugs to you. I am so sorry for the loss of your dad. He sounded like a wonderful man.
I am sorry you are going through this w/your mom also. It does sound like she is a nasty person. I can see you are codependent with her (as many are with their mom). That being said, I recommend you seek out counseling to help YOU with this. Don't expect mom to change. It sounds like she has been this way for a long time. However, there are things you can do to minimize the effects it has on you. I go to Celebrate Recovery for codependency. It has helped me immensely. I know I have to not expect everyone around me to change. I cannot change their actions, but I can certainly control my own reaction.
That being said, you realize you are not responsible for your mom...right? She is a grown woman in control of her own behaviors. I realize she is mom, but can you minimize how much contact you have with her? Maybe cut it back some and give yourself some time to work on YOU.
I hope you get yourself some face to face help, but please know we are also here for you and will hold your hand every baby step of the way!
Hugs and Blessings!
First off...hugs to you. I am so sorry for the loss of your dad. He sounded like a wonderful man.
I am sorry you are going through this w/your mom also. It does sound like she is a nasty person. I can see you are codependent with her (as many are with their mom). That being said, I recommend you seek out counseling to help YOU with this. Don't expect mom to change. It sounds like she has been this way for a long time. However, there are things you can do to minimize the effects it has on you. I go to Celebrate Recovery for codependency. It has helped me immensely. I know I have to not expect everyone around me to change. I cannot change their actions, but I can certainly control my own reaction.
That being said, you realize you are not responsible for your mom...right? She is a grown woman in control of her own behaviors. I realize she is mom, but can you minimize how much contact you have with her? Maybe cut it back some and give yourself some time to work on YOU.
I hope you get yourself some face to face help, but please know we are also here for you and will hold your hand every baby step of the way!
Hugs and Blessings!
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