glitterdeva

I must have read 50 pages from this forum today. Feel so much better I hear alot of you mentioning detachment with love. I have to detach, but how do you do so when you love and care for someone so much. Yes, they don't care back, unable to since they (AH) are on heroin (on/off) or suboxone (when not on heroin). I am in so much pain and living in the same house is very painful, especially when AH is acting like he is my roomate and as if he doesnt care. I am not sure what he is using now, prob suboxone. Anyway, I went to several meetings this week and I also hear at these meetings that you have to detach, although you love them.

So, I say a prayer several times a day, I don't go into confilcts with him, we barely talk, I don't bring anything up (whats a point)? I feel somewhat at peace, but I know that this is temporary. I know that he is wating for his paycheck next week and then he will have money to buy what he needs and I know that's when I will start feeling very bad. So, I am trying to detach, like when I start feeling horrible, I say to myself, yes, I love this man, but he is sick and he just doesnt feel what I feel right now, or maybe even never, so what can I do, nothing, move on..How do you guys detach?

allforcnm

Im sorry your going through this with your husband. When my husband was actively using it was his behaviors that forced me to ask for a change. He was clear that he didn't want to stop using, and so I asked him to move out and go do his thing until he was done. Unfortunately I didn't know anything much about drugs at that time, and I thought it would only be for a couple weeks until he got bored. Instead it turned into what we now call "our missing year". I never called it detachment so I don't know if it is the same... but during our time apart I tried to focus on my life... my work, my friends, family, and I was pregnant at the time so I had a lot going on like it or not. lol Personally I think you just have to find a balance where you can interact with him, and reduce any emotional trauma to yourself. Detachment I think is something you do for yourself because you need an emotional break. Is that why your doing it?

glitterdeva

I am doing it because I cannot take this emotional roller coaster I recently discovered that he has been using on and off since summer. I feel betrayed, crazy, all of that. We both basically had a nervous breakdown - one week he was moving out, next week he wants a divorce. I do love him, but he has put me through so much and, well, most importantly, it doesn't look like he wants recovery. He does absolutely nothing for it. On Monday he asked me to go to the meeting during the day with him. I missed some time from work just to go with him. At the meeting I looked at his eyes and saw that he was high He even shared there about trust and lies, etc. Anyway, today he is like, yeah, I was high. Why did I take time off work to go with you then?

Anyway, I cry every night, can't sleep, can't eat, can't function. I got separation agreement ready and I can't bring myself to give it to him I am hurting and he is just fine, chilling. So I have to separate myself from this. I absolutely cannot have him high at home, I have small children

He was leaving, but has not left yet. And I get a feeling he is not leaving anytime soon.

KeepinItReal

For me it was not letting his opinion or moods affect me. Basically going on with my life without making my day dependent on if he had a good day. Its so hard. I had a lot of practice... sadly.

For me.... underrstood he was incapable of having my interests at heart. Life goes on. I mourned him (his better self) all the time. Its almost like they are dead or zombies while using the dope. Sickening

glitterdeva

It is so hard to do I keep thinking - what if he goes to jail, what if he dies, what if he does something stupid. And today after I read so much of this forum - I am thinking, what if just finds someone else because they dont care that he uses? I know, I know, this last one is totally ******** But, if he was gone from the house, then I would block his number, move his chit downstairs and go on with my life. But he is HERE, at home. He comes home, I don't know where he has been, maybe he has been using, maybe he has been cheating, maybe both. Maybe he stole something and the police is on the way (it happened before, ATF stormed my house looking for him, yeah )

Tomorrow is his driving on suspended license court date. I am going to be honest here - I wish they give him like 90 days or something like that so that he can sober up in a county jail and REALLY feel what he did. Am I allowed to pray for such horrible thing?

Stucco

This. Your children need for you to protect them from the chaos and madness. This is more important than your relationship with him. It is more important than any financial pain you will feel from separating. In most places if you fail to protect them, CPS will do it for you if they find out.

I understand how hard it is. But if you focus on this, you will make the changes that are necessary to protect you as well.

And that is what detaching with love is all about. You focus on protecting yourself and your children and not on protecting him from the consequences of his actions and not on extracting vengeance for his bad behavior. Consequences will find him or not. He will continue to make bad choices or not. You do not have to participate.

I suspect you are grieving the death of your relationship or the idealized version of your relationship that you maintained.

Yes, you are allowed to pray that he feel the consequences of his actions. It may be horrible, but it may also be what he needs.

glitterdeva

I know I cannot have him at home, he just won't freaking leave. Thank you for this. I feel horrible to say this, but I think in all of this I have lost the sight of what is THE MOST important in my life - my precious girls. F him and his addiction. I need to keep my focus on my kids and not on him.

hopeful4

For me detatchment means getting off the crazy train. It means putting my kids needs first and mine next. It means when he is acting a fool to just say nope and walk away. It means going to events even if he is at home w every opportunity to get trashed (not w my kids therre, they go w me or i make sure they are safe). It means ive realized i cannot fix him and am not trying. It also means im changing myself. He can work on him or continue down the road to addiction...but im on another path and wont walk that choice w him. Detatchment is not perfect and sometimes my old codependent behavior comes out but i recognize it much more quickly and can stop it much more quickly. And no quacking allowed!!!!

allforcnm

I understand Glitterdeva... I have a two year old at home myself... absolutely correct, we have to put our kids first.

glitterdeva

Omg. I don't know if my Higher Power heard me, or if some evil force heard me, BUT. I told my AH that I will not be taking him to his driving on suspended license court. I have an appointment and after everything that has happened, I dont want to. He asked his mother and she took him. When he got released from jail he had court fines to pay and his lawyer told him that he has a year to pay them. Anyway, that was not true, his license was suspended, he got pulled over and got this charge. He paid it all in one day, same day. He went to court today with his mother and step brother. They directed him to a WRONG court room. He sat there for 1.5 hours, when finally everything was closed. He went to ask whats wrong and they said that he MISSED his court date and now there is a warrant for his arrest. A cop was actually on his side, begging the judge to not do that, cop was going to drop charges. Well, judge said, NO and now AH has to go to jail from 30-60 days!!!!! I am happy and sad at the same time or Karma!!!!!

hopeful4

Happy or sad...Karma or not...there it is. You had no part in it..have no part in it.....this belongs to him. His actions got him where he is. Had he not been in trouble, he would not be in court in the first place at any point.

I hope you take some time to enjoy some peace for yourself and get some support for YOU.

AnvilheadII

I need to keep my focus on my kids and not on him.

to me that is the very definition of detaching with love...you DETACH from HIS BS and focus your love and attention where it is most needed, on your children. and take whatever steps are necessary to assure their safety and security.

Txhelp

I love SR! It's ironic how others lives...other questions can help me! Thank you!

Pain is a motivator. He will sober up in jail and have some time to think. You need some peace to gather your thoughts.

Jail has been a good motivator for my children...although temporary. Each jail time; rehab; hospitalization; being kicked out of the house chaos; relationship loss; is another reason for them to give up the drugs. This is what I think....

My worse fear for my kids has been death. I have watched my son look like he's dying in front of my eyes....withering and dark. I pray and pray for him to see the light.

I pray that your husband sees the light. I pray that you can gather your thoughts.

He may make promises but really he needs to seek recovery and support after jailtime. Often addicts they think they can detox and do it alone. Some can...most can't

jjj111

Glitterdeva, if you haven't read Melody Beattie's book Codependent No More, there is a wonderful section in there on detaching with love. For me, I felt like I was learning to detach with love when I began to set boundaries calmly and lovingly. When I don't manage to do this, sometimes I feel like I am living my life in reaction to other people. With my AXBF, for example, I did not have healthy boundaries with him and I would try to help him until I became exhausted, and then I would either lose my temper and explode with anger and frustration or become so depressed that I could barely take care of myself. Learning to set reasonable boundaries with my loved ones while also making it clear how much I love them and refusing to fight with them has really helped me to get off the roller coaster of giving too much and then crashing. I'm still learning, of course, but I do my best to remain loving even when I have to say no to someone I care about.

glitterdeva

Thank you! I have heard so many people mention this book on this forum, I just ordered it