bigsombrero

I was thinking about this tonight, and figured I'd share my thoughts:

"How do I make new friends", or a variation of that question, is very common here. I think that's because so many of worry that sobriety is a death sentence for our social lives. We reason that if we give up 10 drinking friends, we need to find 10 sober friends to even things out. In my opinion, it doesn't work that way.

With sobriety comes a huge responsibility of reassessing your life - it's good to get rid of all the outside noise and distractions. This is an important time, you are making a map for the rest of your life...do you really need a social activity every night to distract you from this task? Do you really need to be the "popular one" right now? What's your definition of a "social life"? Is it a healthy one? Isn't that what got you into trouble with alcohol in the first place?

Don't worry that your'e not the cool guy at the pub anymore. Don't fret that you can't be the witty single girl at the wine bar anymore. Be yourself. Take off the mask and look in the mirror. Figure out who you are. New friendships will come. Slowly. Take the time in early sobriety to figure yourself out. Once you do that, a more "confident you" will appear, and it will be a lot easier to gain new friendships.

In the meantime, drop the toxic influences from your life. And don't worry about replacing them right away. You might find that a smaller social life will lead to more valuable and rewarding friendships in the future.

Leana

I don't know the answer but if anyone has any ideas, I would love to pass them on to our daughter (age 23). She's lost almost everyone of her friends since starting her sobriety. And she can't figure out how to make new ones. She spends too much time alone.

bigsombrero

I am sorry if you misunderstood - I was trying to point out that being alone is not a bad thing. There are plenty of social options, that include meetings and support groups. Perhaps your daughter doesn't need friends right now. Isn't that her choice? Perhaps an al-anon or F&F group can help answer that for you!

Dee74

I take your point BigS - I was always scared of being alone with myself...one of the reasons I started drinking....

In recovery, I learned not only to tolerate being alone, but I really like some exclusively me time now

as for making friends - I saw this the other day - it may give your daughter some ideas Leana:

11 Ways to Make Friends as an Adult

D

pattyj

I thought that I had to make a new sober friend for every drinking friend that I lost. I had to realize that it was okay to be by myself for a bit first. And I like to be alone a lot. I have gotten really close with my sponsor, she is taking me back out into the world to see what there is to enjoy. I have also gotten close to those who I only considered acquaintances when I was drinking because they couldn't keep up with me. What a change!

ippochick

i'm actually starting to be ok in my own company for the first time in my life. my house isn't scary anymore when my husband is away (even last saturday when i watched 'mama' on my own in the dark and terrified myself!).

i am making some really good friends in AA. am in tears now as one person i have grown close to has just texted to say she's picked up. i don't know what to do. i know i need to stick with the winners early on and i know i can't carry her burden but i feel so sad for her.

feelings in their raw state are quite a thing to get used to. nothing is going to jeopardise my sobriety but i don't know yet what to do in these situations.

bigsombrero

I was living in Costa Rica and met an ex-pat "old timer" who had some pretty hard-line advice for this type of thing. He said:

"Every time someone else picks up, I don't feel anything because it's not my responsibility. In fact, I often do a little dance inside my head, because I know that the odds just went up in my favor".

So, he is basically citing the 10-25% "recovery rate" and he figures that every time someone else falls off the wagon, his chances of being sober for a long time just went up.

/sorry to divert off-topic!

NoJimmy

I'll second that, I'm becoming far more comfortable being alone. Many of my former "drinking buddies" are guys I've known for over 20 years, who I share interests with beyond drinking. Those friends I will continue to know, but I need to be very cautious how and when I interact with them. There are others I knew only from bars that will never miss me or even notice I'm no longer there.
But yeah, quality over quantity works best here. I've met some new riding buddies at the biker church I've been attending, many of which are also in the recovery program. And I'm fortunate enough to have a couple friends who got sober years before, so naturally I've been strengthening those friendships as well.
It takes a while to be comfortable to be alone, and it takes a while to become used to not being overstimulated all the time.

Carlotta

Thank you BigSombrero for this good post. Great outlook but I feel though that it is more about drinking buddies and acquaintances than real friends.
My best friend is an active alcoholic and has been a true friend to me, if I need him, he ll be there and vice versa. What I had to do in order to continue our friendship without jeopardizing my own sobriety is set some strict boundaries.
I will not hang out with him or talk to him on the phone when he is drinking, I don t care whether it is one beer or whether he is already s... faced. When he drinks (he is a binge drinker) he is not allowed in my house and I will not visit him or socialize with him.
He knows it and I make no exceptions. I have sometimes come to his house, saw an open beer can and walked out and he is ok with it.
He always tell me how proud of me he is for staying sober . Like I said, he is a real friend

magusadam

Everything definitely changes when you change you lifestyle. You lose friends, in my case by choice because I didn't want to be around the drugs and alcohol any more. I know I can be around the alcohol no problem I think but not the drugs. Now my time is spent with work, being with my wife and our two dogs. We don't go out much but we are happy.