Please welcome cureav: My father is an ACoA and he lies all the time
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 14
Please welcome cureav: My father is an ACoA and he lies all the time
Hi there, can someone give me an opinion on this?
I know that here are a lot of people that are ACoAs and I'm sorry cause of that, but I'm trying to figure out something here.
I cannot explain how much I hate my father who is ACOA because of those lies; my gut tells me that I cannot rely on his words, I cannot talk to him cause I always have these second thoughts is it true what he’s saying. I don’t know if you understand, but he raised me, his teachings are part of my brain, and therefor I have these self-doubts all the time. One day at the work, I was saying something to an old lady, and she told me “You are fooling around with me, right?”. I was confused, until my colleague told me that I was saying the truth, but I was acting against the truth; my face was telling the opposite.
This was very shocking for me, cause my father do this all the time; talking to him is a constant doubt.
A month ago I've decided to avoid conversation with him, and I feel better. My self-doubt is weaker. Its like being connected with all other people who lie a bit less is healthier, and the ground under my feet is more stable.
But on the other hand I feel more fatherless. My father has this problem too, he is so unsure of his parenting, and he found one old sole, an old man who also has problems with alcohol, just to remind him and feel like home. Sad but true. Damn
Again, I'm apologizing for feeling this anger. Maybe its because he is in denial of his ACoA traits, and playing a victim, he refuses to accept responsibility for his own health.
So can someone tell me how to talk to him when I feel constant doubt in his words? He is pretty self-absorbed and every conversation turns onto him.
Thanks
I know that here are a lot of people that are ACoAs and I'm sorry cause of that, but I'm trying to figure out something here.
I cannot explain how much I hate my father who is ACOA because of those lies; my gut tells me that I cannot rely on his words, I cannot talk to him cause I always have these second thoughts is it true what he’s saying. I don’t know if you understand, but he raised me, his teachings are part of my brain, and therefor I have these self-doubts all the time. One day at the work, I was saying something to an old lady, and she told me “You are fooling around with me, right?”. I was confused, until my colleague told me that I was saying the truth, but I was acting against the truth; my face was telling the opposite.
This was very shocking for me, cause my father do this all the time; talking to him is a constant doubt.
A month ago I've decided to avoid conversation with him, and I feel better. My self-doubt is weaker. Its like being connected with all other people who lie a bit less is healthier, and the ground under my feet is more stable.
But on the other hand I feel more fatherless. My father has this problem too, he is so unsure of his parenting, and he found one old sole, an old man who also has problems with alcohol, just to remind him and feel like home. Sad but true. Damn
Again, I'm apologizing for feeling this anger. Maybe its because he is in denial of his ACoA traits, and playing a victim, he refuses to accept responsibility for his own health.
So can someone tell me how to talk to him when I feel constant doubt in his words? He is pretty self-absorbed and every conversation turns onto him.
Thanks
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello cureav, Welcome!
I'm really sorry for both you and your father. His growing up must have been just as messed up as yours was with him as your father---just so incredibly sad. I, too, am the adult child of an untreated adult child of alcoholics. My mother has, over the years, improved. There are still some things about her behavior that drive me nuts, however.
I don't know that I can offer you any advice, but I think as you get older and surround yourself with people you choose, people you know to be honest and forthright, your comfort and confidence in your own knowledge and your own dealings with others will improve. I have learned how to let some things my mother says just roll off of me without sinking in at all.
This may require a period of some time before speaking to your father again. I know that others with more experience in this area will be along soon, but I hope you will stick around and read as much as you can here.
Please know that you are not alone!
S
I'm really sorry for both you and your father. His growing up must have been just as messed up as yours was with him as your father---just so incredibly sad. I, too, am the adult child of an untreated adult child of alcoholics. My mother has, over the years, improved. There are still some things about her behavior that drive me nuts, however.
I don't know that I can offer you any advice, but I think as you get older and surround yourself with people you choose, people you know to be honest and forthright, your comfort and confidence in your own knowledge and your own dealings with others will improve. I have learned how to let some things my mother says just roll off of me without sinking in at all.
This may require a period of some time before speaking to your father again. I know that others with more experience in this area will be along soon, but I hope you will stick around and read as much as you can here.
Please know that you are not alone!
S
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 688
Your father is an ACOA, right?
Not all of us lie. But my XH is also an adult child, and I can relate to your story, because by the time I finally realized how deeply ingrained his habit is, I was to the point of, if he told me it was a sunny day, I'd go check for myself.
How do you deal with it? By simply accepting that he lies, and you therefore cannot trust him. Don't put any stock in anything he says. If it's anything important, just accept that you'll double check his claims. Try not to discuss anything important.
This is how I deal with XH. We chat pleasantly, I put absolutely no value on anything he says, because I'm aware it may or may not be true. Of course, it's part of why I divorced him. It's simply impossible to have a real, deep relationship with someone who constantly lies. So keep it surface with your father.
Not all of us lie. But my XH is also an adult child, and I can relate to your story, because by the time I finally realized how deeply ingrained his habit is, I was to the point of, if he told me it was a sunny day, I'd go check for myself.
How do you deal with it? By simply accepting that he lies, and you therefore cannot trust him. Don't put any stock in anything he says. If it's anything important, just accept that you'll double check his claims. Try not to discuss anything important.
This is how I deal with XH. We chat pleasantly, I put absolutely no value on anything he says, because I'm aware it may or may not be true. Of course, it's part of why I divorced him. It's simply impossible to have a real, deep relationship with someone who constantly lies. So keep it surface with your father.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
The reason some of us ACOA's lie is because when we were growing up we (I) was beat for lying when I told the truth. So that confused me and I tried to tell my dad what I thought he wanted to hear. But I never really knew what he wanted to hear so I would lie and sometimes that lie would work, but next time that same lie wouldn't work. Very confusing and much angst. So I lied and it became a habit I couldn't control. It was always about little things that didn't matter, like if someone asked if I wanted coffee I had to figure out if that really meant tea. So I would say Tea please. Or my husband would ask if I had done something yet and I hadn't done it but in progress, I would lie and say yes I did it. So I ended up lying when it didn't matter and always trying to make myself look better in the asker's eyes and be liked.
But that is something he has to work on when he realizes it. Your best approach is to not believe what he says. Not let it upset you emotionally and let it control you giving you angst. We call that emotionally disconnecting. It's a learned attitude and will bring relief.
But that is something he has to work on when he realizes it. Your best approach is to not believe what he says. Not let it upset you emotionally and let it control you giving you angst. We call that emotionally disconnecting. It's a learned attitude and will bring relief.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 688
Thank you, Kialua, for your story of how it happens. It's interesting to compare your experience with the other thread just started about being accused of lying when we were truthful.
XH explained to me years ago that he was 'smarter,' because he lied and everyone went away happy, whereas his sister told the truth and the family got into fights. What I didn't understand, back when I was 22 or so, when he told me this, was that it was an ingrained habit that he couldn't seem to break free of as an adult.
I remember one time, talking with XH about something to do with his work, and he spoke to me like a co-conspirator, asking, "Okay, what will we tell my boss?" I was taken aback, and asked why not just tell him the truth? In this particular case, the truth was no big deal, anyway! I couldn't even grasp why he'd want to lie about whatever it was. But it was his automatic instinct.
XH explained to me years ago that he was 'smarter,' because he lied and everyone went away happy, whereas his sister told the truth and the family got into fights. What I didn't understand, back when I was 22 or so, when he told me this, was that it was an ingrained habit that he couldn't seem to break free of as an adult.
I remember one time, talking with XH about something to do with his work, and he spoke to me like a co-conspirator, asking, "Okay, what will we tell my boss?" I was taken aback, and asked why not just tell him the truth? In this particular case, the truth was no big deal, anyway! I couldn't even grasp why he'd want to lie about whatever it was. But it was his automatic instinct.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 1,437
This is exactly how I used to think all the time, damage control, figure out what they want to hear and tell them. I think I could have passed a lie detector test I did it so well. But I never told lies to hurt anyone, quite the contrary I was always trying to figure out how to leave them happy though it could have been stressful for those needing the plain old truth. Especially bosses and authority figures.
In fact my older sister, who never got beat because she was favored and misinterpreted that, said we just got beat because we weren't smart enough to lie good enough. Sheesh.
In fact my older sister, who never got beat because she was favored and misinterpreted that, said we just got beat because we weren't smart enough to lie good enough. Sheesh.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
