Mags1

Since I've been sober I think a very lot more, about me, my husband, our relationship. Basically, I'm not happy with it. Not sure what I'm going to do about it yet.

My first thoughts we're get p****d, just fleetingly, I know that would help nothing.

I can't talk to him so I have to make a decision on my own.

I just know that my mind sober I can think clearly although I don't know where it will lead me.

I just know, my husband wanted a sober wife, he's got one, I've changed but he hasn't. Something has to give.

Sorry for my pontifications, just no one to speak with.

Skye2

Hi Mags. If I don't know what to do about a given situation, I do nothing, for the moment.
Emotions can be all over the place when you first stop drinking etc, perhaps ride the wave for now and see how things are later on? I would be tempted to give it until after the holidays and if you still feel the same, then act upon your feelings. At least that way, you're giving yourself some time to really think

Mags1

Morning Skye, yep my emotions are in turmoil. I don't want to talk with him because he doesn't or we don't talk about us.
Thanks, I will wait a while. Just confused by my emotions x

Jeni26

Hi Mags. How long have you been sober?

All our relationships change as we do when we become sober. It is a time of upheaval that's for sure. Sometimes it isn't the best time to be making big decisions. I'm not saying your feelings about it not working out aren't true, just that time is often a deciding factor one way or the other.

I hope things work out for you x

Marcher13

Mags it's very early days for you, you have a join date of Oct 13 so I'm assuming your sobriety is a similar date? Have you been married long? Is there a reason you and your husband can't talk about your relationship? (There is no need to answer these questions here, I'm posing them as things to think about.)

Maybe give yourself time to get used to your own sobriety and the changes you are feeling then, in the New Year, maybe approach talking about things.

Mags1

Hi Jeni i've been sober since 20 July, I didn't look for site until I think, the fog started lighting, and I seem to have come out of the fog in the last couple of months. I drank for a long time but got worse in the last few years, though like most of us, carried on doing daily things expected of us, I still functioned.

Thanks, Marcher, I feel I have changed a lot inside but unsure if I am showing it outwardly, no one at work seems aware of a different me, so why should my husband.

LSC1

Hi Mags

I could have written your post and your replies .... have been with my hubby for 20 years ... and his drinking partner for a lot of those yers ... I have been sober for 15 months and I STILL have not talked to him about my decision .... talk about NO communication.

I thought me stopping drinking would have helped me be happier in my marriage ... my sobriety has shown me how unhappy or unsatisfied I am with my status quo... however I learnt from here it is unwise to listen to my emotions in early sobriety ... I likened my emotions to a rollercoaster ride ...

The more sober time I get ... the stronger I get an the clearer my head gets ... so I have no answers for you (sorry) ... just wanted to let you know you are not alone ... and to suggest you take your time to THINK before you speak and act.
Cheers

Mags1

Thanks LSC1
What we like, we can't talk! I'm going to keep quiet and try sort the turmoil in my head. Thanks to all the kind responses, you're a great lot of people x

ImperfectlyMe

Mags I hear you loud and clear!!! I'm in a similar situation. I've been sober since April, and I am constantly questioning my relationship! My husband was the catalyst for me to quit drinking. I don't think he was prepared for the changes in me. The further I got from the bottle the further I got from him, and the closer I got to myself!!! With clear eyes I've seen how one sided, disfuntional and unhealthy out relationship is.

At this point I'm solely working on myself, this first year is filled with so much transition, I think it's best I sit tight weather the storm and see how it looks in a few months.

KateL

Blimey! That was like reading about myself. I got rid. I am much happier now. All the while I stayed with him I was a fragile drunk, and then a dry drunk. He was all wrong for the new me. I met him whilst drunk, and was drunk for most of the relationship. Got sober and saw him through completely different eyes. The eyes that keep me sober and sane. I no longer fancy a drink now he's gone. Do what's best for you, pet xx

KateL

Exactly the same x

KateL

Yes, that crossed my mind at the time too. I got sober in 2003 and stayed with him until 2008 when I had decided it couldn't work. So I feel I must add, I didn't do it hastily. I sometimes wish he had gone sooner though.

Johnston

I think this is wise advice.

Skye2

I was merely suggesting that with being newly sober and also with the stress of Christmas etc looming, it would be better to wait until emotions and the festive season's turbulence are over

Mags1

Thanks ImperfectlyMe, yes I'm glad it's not just me! Not sure what I want yet and I will sit tight for now. x

Mags1

Hi KateL yes I met my h when we were both drunk and basically been like it ever since except he stopped first because of his health though he has a pint now and again, I'm beginning to wonder if we are right for each other, but I will bide my time, I think it is me not him.

Mags1

Thanks Skye I agree x

ImperfectlyMe

I'm not sure whst I want regarding my relationship either! One minute I think how free I'd feel how I could do as I please with out my husbands constraints (he's pretty controlling) and then other times I look at my little girls and think I'm the most selfish woman in the world

I wish I had the answer so I could use it myself!!!

Congrats on all your sober time BTW

mecanix

Trying to express mixed emotions you're unsure about in a relationship of poor communication, from here it doesn't sound a very easy thing to do even in the most communicative of relationships .

6 months or so of sobriety is great but in my short experience i'd wait a full 12 months or 18 to let myself be more secure and stable emotionally (6 months was the time a slight , what i believe to be alcohol related depression i had but didn't realised i suffered from left me ) .
Then might be the time to start looking at what is achievable and if you can accept it ,
don't rush into any big stuff the first year unless your safety or sobriety is put on the line , one day at a time

Bestwishes, m

Mags1

Thanks mecanix, I heed what you're saying and yes, I will try to get my feet firmly on the ground before I do anything.

It feels like I've been sober for a long time but a few months is nothing compared to the years with my booze as a prop.