Thoughtful2

Hi am new to this sight and need some help
I met my bf a year ago we had friends in common
He lives in the uk and I in spain I have been going to see him. I have family there too. He is a caring guy and I always felt that from day one
But there is other side to him, he hides beer around the house and sips it somedays especially when I am not there ir he misses me he gets drunk. Sends me messages sometimes angry although not directed at me but in the beginning they were but he seems to have held back now. I have tried talking to him because he never shares how he is feeling. I can see him in some sort of stress but he uses it to drink. I don't know what yo do I am away right now and he is scaring me because he is saying he wants me to get back but it seemed like a threat. I am moving near him turning my life around to be with him. He shies his bad side to me and only me he is perfect in front if his parents and everyone else.
I care about him very much but he won't talk to me and I am left guessing what is troubling him. I am unwell and have delayed my return and he just seems preoccupied with me getting back . I am very stressed right now and don't know where to turn. If I don't return he it will destroy him.
Thank you for listening

Skye2

Hi. You say that if you don't return it will destroy him? From what i'm reading, if you DO return, it will sooner or later destroy YOU!
There are red flags flying around your post - personally, if I wasn't sure I wanted to do something or if I was posting on a forum asking for advice - I would wait until I was thinking a little more clearly before moving anywhere.

Relationships should make you feel GOOD - sounds like this one is stressful and that's before you're even living in the same place

Xx

mecanix

Hey Thoughtful welcome to SR

you didn't cause it ,
you can't control it ,
you can't cure it ,
and you don't have to contribute to it …
As i sit here reading your post i'm thinking none of this is your problem , be careful which burdens you pick up from being involved ..

As well as the newcomers area here where everyone is welcome , there is also a lot of historical & informative posts and support in the friends and family area;
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

misspond

Hi Thoughtful. Trust your doubts and if you are aware now that he hides beer and has you feeling unsure about aspects of his personality then you should listen to that rather large and loud alarm going off inside you. x

EndGameNYC

It's already much too late for that.

If you go ahead with your plans, then you're placing yourself in a situation that, according to your description, is abusive, dangerous and toxic for you. His life is a house on fire with all the exits blocked. Once you get there, he'll be better able to both control you and abuse you, as he's already done.

If the feelings between the two of you are genuine, then you'll both be able to wait until he gets himself well and sober for a period of time before making any misguided decisions about your future. Your impulse to change your life around dramatically to be with him, and his barking about him needing you to be there yesterday strongly suggest that, on some level, neither one of you feels secure with your long-term prospects. And you both have good reason to feel this way.

I'm truly not looking forward to reading posts from you in the next few months about how your life is ruined and you don't know what to do. But, if that's what happens, I hope you do ask for support here.

least

I agree with the others. You will destroy yourself if you move there. I'd take it slow now until he decides he wants to be sober. Take care of yourself.

Skye2

^^^^^^^ Totally agree with these two - great posts! Xx

soberhawk

I am also seeing a lot of red flags here thoughful.

Booth in his behavior and that you are taking responsibility for how he feels and that he does not destroy himself.

Do not take decisions to save him – you can not and it could well make you booth miserable.

EndGameNYC

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post4309945

Thoughtful2

Hello everyone

Thank you so much for this advice and I am taking this slowly
I just came out if hospital I was taken into the er fir a recurring heart condition
When he didn't hear from me he left be messages and if course u could not answer.
Then he left more
"I am seriously annoyed here"
"You're silence don't bother talking I don't want to know"
"You're dumped"
And I explained to him when I could that I was sorry and I was upset
He was different then told me he lived me and wants me well
That he wants me well and back so he can look after me
That I am going to live with him
To get well that he loves me
That he was sick with worry
And these were continuous and I ended up worried about him.
It was one message after another and I was to weak to cope so I ignored them after a while. He even said he wishes he was there and I asked him to come and he changed the subject
I am fine now and resting at family home he left me a message how u was and I phoned him. He still went in about how worried he was that he did not sleep.
He told me fe would face been with be but couldn't afford it. He also never phones even tells me to phone as it is expensive.


When I first met him I truly fell fir him but he was a different guy
It seems silly but I feel like I've been and being led.
Maybe things are clearer being away from him.
What upsets me is that he is perfect in front if his parents. If ourselves I don't men in a bad way parents should be loved and respected. But I want them to know how there sin really is and that us troubled and sick.
I feel cornered he us telling me he I will stay with him and he will take care if me but it feels like I have no choice. I do t know how to tell him no. I am a kind caring person but I feel weak minded right now. He is messaging me and hints constantly about my return
Unless they choose not to see it.

Thank you so much for all of your good and kind words of advice. You have made me feel like I am not alone and I do not want to worry my family. They have been through difficult times these past months.
X
I am keeping this in mind. I found this forum and it feels good to know that everyone here speaks the same language of experience

EndGameNYC

Sounds like it's all about him.

Thoughtful2

Sober hawk
Yes it's true everything he does I make excuses. I don't see him as an alcoholic but someone I love who is in pain
I have just found out by chance that he was still with an ex while with me. ut was practically over but he still wanted me around. It's messed up I know and looking back the signs were there and I didn't want to see them. I see now I cannot give him the help that I thought I could which was just loving him.
I am still making excuses for him he cheated on both of us and its wrong. I am not helping him I know and it is making us both miserable. I want to talk to him tell him how I really feel. But I do not know if he will understand that I am doing the best for him and me. I can't see him right now because I am away.
Xxx thank you

BoSox

I have been In a similar situation as your bf before. Not the cheating or the distance, but the lying, the hiding, the temper, the dependence on a woman "to fix you"... You will never fix him, he will drag you down with you. Let him fix himself and if it is meant to be after he does, you could always rekindle things. Good luck and we are here for you. You are not alone.