Wife in rehab -- feeling abandoned and angry
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 2
Wife in rehab -- feeling abandoned and angry
My wife checked into an inpatient treatment facility for Alcohol abuse this week. After a 2 year struggle with lots of ups and downs I know this is the right thing for her. I really do want her to succeed.
However I am really struggling. I am so angry and am feeling completely abandoned. We have 2 young children and with 20 hours notice I lost my family and am suddenly a single parent. I am the financial provider for the family so I am trying to play the full time role of dad and balancing that with this thing called a job.
She calls every night to talk to the kids and to this point I can't even begin to pretend to be kind to her. I feel so hurt, this is so unfair. I have never been good at pretending and I don't want to express my anger to her or how overwhelmed I feel. I really want her to succeed for the kids sake. If I can have my wife back I would love that as well - I just accept that this is beyond my control.
I just don't know if my feelings of anger are fair, reasonable or rational. But every time she calls it just comes out.
Just looking for some insights of others who may have lived it before me.
Thanks in advance.
However I am really struggling. I am so angry and am feeling completely abandoned. We have 2 young children and with 20 hours notice I lost my family and am suddenly a single parent. I am the financial provider for the family so I am trying to play the full time role of dad and balancing that with this thing called a job.
She calls every night to talk to the kids and to this point I can't even begin to pretend to be kind to her. I feel so hurt, this is so unfair. I have never been good at pretending and I don't want to express my anger to her or how overwhelmed I feel. I really want her to succeed for the kids sake. If I can have my wife back I would love that as well - I just accept that this is beyond my control.
I just don't know if my feelings of anger are fair, reasonable or rational. But every time she calls it just comes out.
Just looking for some insights of others who may have lived it before me.
Thanks in advance.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hi BFMFB, Welcome to SR!
You aren't the only one struggling with feelings of anger and resentment toward an alcoholic spouse in rehab right now...believe me, you are not alone.
As I wrote recently on another thread, resentment is pretty common toward an alcoholic who finally decides to seek recovery. It feels like they are whisked away to a very structured and supportive environment while the non-alcoholic spouse is left to live with the day-to-day kids, work, school, laundry, and all the rest with no support.
My stepson has been in both Intensive Outpatient therapy as well as Rehab. I'm not going to lie and tell you that I did not often feel as though he was still leaving all his responsibilities behind for other people to deal with.
What I tried to keep in mind....if left untreated, his alcoholism could kill him. Treatment was providing him with the tools that could save his life. I will always be grateful for that.
Do you have family or friends nearby who can help with child care, transportation, just general help? You might want to consider face-to-face support meetings like Al-Anon, too. You do deserve support and help, too!
Welcome, again! I'm glad you found us!!
You aren't the only one struggling with feelings of anger and resentment toward an alcoholic spouse in rehab right now...believe me, you are not alone.
As I wrote recently on another thread, resentment is pretty common toward an alcoholic who finally decides to seek recovery. It feels like they are whisked away to a very structured and supportive environment while the non-alcoholic spouse is left to live with the day-to-day kids, work, school, laundry, and all the rest with no support.
My stepson has been in both Intensive Outpatient therapy as well as Rehab. I'm not going to lie and tell you that I did not often feel as though he was still leaving all his responsibilities behind for other people to deal with.
What I tried to keep in mind....if left untreated, his alcoholism could kill him. Treatment was providing him with the tools that could save his life. I will always be grateful for that.
Do you have family or friends nearby who can help with child care, transportation, just general help? You might want to consider face-to-face support meetings like Al-Anon, too. You do deserve support and help, too!
Welcome, again! I'm glad you found us!!
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,057
Hi, BFMFB, and welcome. 
Your feelings are normal and fair. It's okay to be angry. When I was going through something similar (abandonment) by my xah, I remember expressing to my counselor that I felt bad for being angry. It's hard to imagine now that I thought that was wrong, but I did. Spouses of alcoholics who have been on an emotional roller coaster over a long period of time tend to lose sense of ourselves. We are, in fact, entitled to all of our feelings. We just need to learn healthy ways to handle them.
Are you talking to anyone? A counselor, or therapist, or attending Alanon? Sharing with others (like people here at SR) will help you to sort out your emotions and what to do with them. At this point, letting your wife hear it each night probably won't help you much because she probably isn't at a point in her own recovery where she is able to give you what you need. That will come with time, if she is truly committed to her recovery.
Meanwhile, you can find the support of others to help you in your own path to healing. You'll find, if you are serious about a healthy relationship with your wife, that focusing on yourself right now is the best thing you can do for yourself. Educate yourself about the disease as much as you can. AlAnon is a great resource for many people if you are willing to give it a try. Read the stickies at the top of the forum here. I also used to find a lot of help in reading in the alcoholic/addict forums here at SR.
I would also strongly recommend writing down your feelings. Journaling. Even if you write what you're feeling and throw it away after you're done. I used to do that often just to let the crazy spill from my head when I was in the middle of emotional turmoil. Hugely helpful.
I am glad you're here. You will find enormous support here. Welcome.
Your feelings are normal and fair. It's okay to be angry. When I was going through something similar (abandonment) by my xah, I remember expressing to my counselor that I felt bad for being angry. It's hard to imagine now that I thought that was wrong, but I did. Spouses of alcoholics who have been on an emotional roller coaster over a long period of time tend to lose sense of ourselves. We are, in fact, entitled to all of our feelings. We just need to learn healthy ways to handle them.
Are you talking to anyone? A counselor, or therapist, or attending Alanon? Sharing with others (like people here at SR) will help you to sort out your emotions and what to do with them. At this point, letting your wife hear it each night probably won't help you much because she probably isn't at a point in her own recovery where she is able to give you what you need. That will come with time, if she is truly committed to her recovery.
Meanwhile, you can find the support of others to help you in your own path to healing. You'll find, if you are serious about a healthy relationship with your wife, that focusing on yourself right now is the best thing you can do for yourself. Educate yourself about the disease as much as you can. AlAnon is a great resource for many people if you are willing to give it a try. Read the stickies at the top of the forum here. I also used to find a lot of help in reading in the alcoholic/addict forums here at SR.
I would also strongly recommend writing down your feelings. Journaling. Even if you write what you're feeling and throw it away after you're done. I used to do that often just to let the crazy spill from my head when I was in the middle of emotional turmoil. Hugely helpful.
I am glad you're here. You will find enormous support here. Welcome.
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Sure. Can tell you some of what the last year has been like. Mrs. Hammer has been back from Rehab about 11 months.
First, as far as the kids. When setting priorities, you can only have one #1. Mine is the kids. None of the kids are named Mrs. Hammer . . . so I know she is NOT the #1 Priority.
I learned in Alanon that if I am to succeed on that #1 Priority, I have to take care of ME. So that is my #2. Mrs. Hammer is not named ME, so I know she is not the #2 Priority.
Taking care of the kids and me means keeping the job, the house, food, school and all the rest in good order. Mrs. Hammer is not on that list, either. Turns out that she is not even a Priority.
That may sound harsh, especially to the Controller, Caretaker types that often wander into this realm. Not saying it is or is not, what it is . . . is just the way it is. And that is fine. Mrs. Hammer is a Big Girl, with a Sponsor . . . which she may or may not half-ass, a Program(s) (AA, OA, and ABA) which she may or may not half-ass, and Therapy which she may or may not half-ass. BUT NONE of that is My Problem, not My Priorities. Makes things in that regard Very Freeing for me, and probably for her, too.
So after you start Alanon and getting trained up in all this, you will cover some things you may need to learn:
You: Cannot Cause, Control nor Cure her problems. (we call that the 3 C's). They are all called HER problems because they are HER problems -- not yours.
Awareness, Acknowledgement, Acceptance -- she is likely an Alcoholic and likely will be for the rest of her life. mkay. Means she will likely have to stay on her program (AA?) for the rest of her life. Else, even if she just stops drinking, she may become what is a called a Dry Drunk -- sort of shorthand for a Very Crappy Person, Wife, and Mother.
Next is Detachment. Simpler word for me is Distance. Get you and the kids out the Crap Range. So her crap cannot harm you all. That will look a little different to everyone, and sounds like what you are coming up on. When you get out of the Crap Range, you will sort of know because you will be able to deal with this without being so angry and resentful.
Soooo . . . . you know where your local Alanon is?
First, as far as the kids. When setting priorities, you can only have one #1. Mine is the kids. None of the kids are named Mrs. Hammer . . . so I know she is NOT the #1 Priority.
I learned in Alanon that if I am to succeed on that #1 Priority, I have to take care of ME. So that is my #2. Mrs. Hammer is not named ME, so I know she is not the #2 Priority.
Taking care of the kids and me means keeping the job, the house, food, school and all the rest in good order. Mrs. Hammer is not on that list, either. Turns out that she is not even a Priority.
That may sound harsh, especially to the Controller, Caretaker types that often wander into this realm. Not saying it is or is not, what it is . . . is just the way it is. And that is fine. Mrs. Hammer is a Big Girl, with a Sponsor . . . which she may or may not half-ass, a Program(s) (AA, OA, and ABA) which she may or may not half-ass, and Therapy which she may or may not half-ass. BUT NONE of that is My Problem, not My Priorities. Makes things in that regard Very Freeing for me, and probably for her, too.
So after you start Alanon and getting trained up in all this, you will cover some things you may need to learn:
You: Cannot Cause, Control nor Cure her problems. (we call that the 3 C's). They are all called HER problems because they are HER problems -- not yours.
Awareness, Acknowledgement, Acceptance -- she is likely an Alcoholic and likely will be for the rest of her life. mkay. Means she will likely have to stay on her program (AA?) for the rest of her life. Else, even if she just stops drinking, she may become what is a called a Dry Drunk -- sort of shorthand for a Very Crappy Person, Wife, and Mother.
Next is Detachment. Simpler word for me is Distance. Get you and the kids out the Crap Range. So her crap cannot harm you all. That will look a little different to everyone, and sounds like what you are coming up on. When you get out of the Crap Range, you will sort of know because you will be able to deal with this without being so angry and resentful.
Soooo . . . . you know where your local Alanon is?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: dublin
Posts: 65
I know exactly how you feel,i split with my partner of 8 and a half years the day before he went into rehab,feel angry,alone etc,while he has all the people in the world to talk to,it is a three month programme,and thankfully he was not allowed to make phone calls for first three weeks,spoke to him last week andit is still all about HIS needs,also thankfully,i don't have young children to contend with,and he was living in my home so makes it easier for me,but still very hard.Hope you have someone you can talk too.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 2
Thank you.
Thanks everyone -- it was really helpful to hear all of your thoughts. I was concerned I was losing my mind.
I had always thought Alanon was the long version of AA. I had no idea that there was support for families who live through the trauma.
Thanks again.
I had always thought Alanon was the long version of AA. I had no idea that there was support for families who live through the trauma.
Thanks again.
krhea75
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: macomb, il
Posts: 644
I lurked on these forums for years before I actually went to an alanon meeting. The comments on hear and the stories were so helpful, but for me attending an alanon meeting helped me become stronger. And the best thing about Alanon meetings is the love and the hugs! You hear stories of others who are also angry and resentful or WERE angry and resentful and they help you understand that you do have choices. Get to a meeting and keep going back. As time passes you will get better.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by BFMFB 
I was concerned I was losing my mind.
I know it seems impossible to fit it in around everything the rest of your family needs (especially with small kids) but the very most important thing you can do is give yourself time to work through all of this. Make sure you are not neglecting your own needs while seeing to everyone else's, ya know? Whether that means time to think, an activity to distract you, a self-indulgence to spoil yourself with - make time for YOU & remember that self-care is NOT the same as being selfish.
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