Mizzuno

I think I may be feeling a little down. Unmotivated is a good word. I am a full time student, worker, and all the other things that makes life busy. In between all of this, my back has been acting up in a bad way. I am waiting for the call from a Neurosurgeon to talk of the next step. I really feel like I live in a very old body, given that I am only 33. Last year, I had a surgery that altered my life for 3 months. That was 3 months of confined to the house recovery, and lack of energy. Three months of exhaustion.

Not to get all dramatic, but I do not think I can endure another surgery so soon. I am aware that I am having the meeting and nothing is set in stone. However, I am also aware that surgery may be my only option considering that nothing else has worked. I am not feeling sorry for myself, but I guess I am feeling like WTF? Can I please just get a break here. If its not me ******* **** up, then it is my body slowly declining. I would like a break. Thank you. (I guess there is a bit of pity in that statement. A bit of not liking what is taking place and resisting the outcome.)
I will not touch base on my mouth sitaution that is better off with avoidance and complete denial.

Sobriety is one day at a time, and I am still walking along this road and feeling the benefits. However, I am tired. Very tired. Very Very tired, and I would like to go to a tropical island and enjoy the water. Drink a fruit drink and enjoy some music. All of that sounds way more interesting than dealing with life right now.

Today, I will be grateful that I have insurance to take care of me. I am grateful that I have coffee. Its only 10:33 am and I feel like I need a nap. I am grateful that I have not tried to numb out any of this life stuff. It just doesnt ******* work anyway.

anyistoomuch

mizzuno- i am so sorry you are going through this. its no wonder you are exhausted. not feeling well for a long time can wear away all of our emotional/mental/spiritual resources. you deserve sympathy and compassion. i hope you have those things for yourself.

you know that drinking will not make anything better. you absolutely know it. please dont drink and hang in. something will give.

Gilmer

So sorry, Mizzuno.

Anna

Mizzuno, it sounds like you are truly depleted of energy. Have you talked to your dr about the possibility of depression? It might be something to consider.

I hope you feel better.

MidnightBlue

((Mizzuno)), my virtual hugs and positive vibrations to you.

Take care of yourself.

Mizzuno

No, I have not talked with anyone. I just began to admit my state of being by posting on here. I have been relatively stable for the last few months, and I am sure that I can maintain my stability just as long as things do not become too overwhelming. One thing that I am reviewing is my schooling. I am only allowed one 2 week break in a whole 12 months of school. This is starting to wear me down. So, if I go to a traditional school in a location, I would have breaks. I think the pain gets tiresome. I am really tired of hurting. This can be fixed. I guess, I just feel terribly old. I am dealing with all of these medical issues and from the looks of me, one would never know. I hope this does not start to show on my face. ( Wrinkles, fine lines, and sagging face skin) Ha! I would like to still look like I am in my early thirties.

Anyways, botox can cure everything. (joke)

bemyself

Geez, Mizz.....this does sound so very hard. I get it, not from experience of such serious surgery, but experience of multiple physical (and pain filled) and psych chronic ailments.

Luv - will follow your thread a bit later, virtual hug. [Sorry, off to watch the global showing of Dr Who!]

mecanix

Hey Mizz ,
Sometimes recovery is a tiny footstep one in front of the other where your heel touches your toes on the other foot , sometimes it's like you got kangoo-boots on .

I got no words of wisdom to make things better other than to say i hear you and that it's great to have you here along for the journey to happy destiny

Fraternally yours , your brother in recovery , m

Leshar

Hi, Mizzuno, I'm sorry that you're feeling so low and exhausted.
Just wanted to send you good wishes, and hope you can rest a little when you get a chance.

Take care.

Dee74

(((Mizz)))

all I can offer you is the sure and certain knowledge I have that you will handle anything in your way

D

soberclover

I'm sorry you are feeling low Mizz. I'm thinking of you and sending you a great big hug!

KateL

Try to rest and not worry (easier said than done) Good luck with your health and I hope it gets sorted out. x

Mizzuno

This extreme exhaustion is due to school, pain, and stress. I will feel better. The health stuff will sort itself out one way or another. I want to be healthy and productive. I am productive, but I guess I need time with my health. I did manage to get the dishes done, load up the laundry, shower, food shop, and then fill the sink back up with dishes due to making dinner. The American life is go go go go go. I need a long overdue vacation.

You know what I would do if I won the lottery? I would rent a cabin somewhere on an Island and rejuvenate, walk to the farmers market and back. Sleep in the middle of the afternoon. Wake up and shower in the warm ocean water. Stay sober. Eat Mangoes. I would take a backpack and that would be it. Unplug for a few months. I think I need to make some changes. Serious energy changes.

bemyself

Yep. Got it in one with that scenario, Mizz.

I just remarked on the go go go vs. stopping / resting, seriously resting, to Flying in the weekenders thread a few mins ago.

Blessings to you, Mizz
xx
Vic

Ptcapote

Hi Mizz, just catching up with this thread.

I am so sorry you're feeling so exhausted and depleted. I know you've been going through a lot over the past months with your health and putting on a brave face. I also know being in chronic pain is exhausting for the mind, body AND soul.

Looking at your list of things about what you would do if you won the lottery...you don't need money for some of them, so how about it?

I often think that pain and chronic exhaustion is our body's way of screaming at us, "Please let me rest already!!"

I know you've got a lot on your plate but how about doing some of those small things just to give yourself a little reprieve?

Thinking of you tonight and sending you lots of good wishes!

Acheleus

I hope you feel better soon. I know how stressful school and work can be. Take it easy.

MythOfSisyphus

Well, whatever you have face will be easier sober! I hope the docs get you sorted out, Mizz.

digdug

I totally relate on the pain issue. I've been in horrible pain for the past several months and just had surgery on my hips 3 weeks ago. I have a pretty tolerance for pain, hence my ability to walk around with collapsed hips for 4 months, but man, was it draining. I've been tired all the time, especially since my surgery.

So I take a nap every day (I'm also pretty much confined to my apartment). I take notice when my body is telling me, "I've had enough exercise or walking." I give myself a break.

I keep telling myself that this is all temporary. There will be a time in the future that I won't be in pain and feel so tired. Nothing is permanent.

Also, talking with people has really helped. I definitely seem to perk up when someone comes to visit me. I know it's easy to isolate because I don't want anyone to see me in pain and all tired, but bitting the bullet and accepting friends into my life has made things a little easier.

Best wishes to you. You can do this!

Kaneda8888

Mizz

Sounds like you have a full plate. I reckon you know your priorities well, go and follow what your body needs. Rest, rest, rest.