Finding it hard to cope with eldest sons behaviour...Help !!
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Ireland
Posts: 222
Finding it hard to cope with eldest sons behaviour...Help !!
Hi All,
Have not posted much recently...but I still read everyday.
My eldest son is 11 and since Sept his behaviour has gotten worse and worse to the point that I actually feel I cannot cope anymore.
Me and his Dad(A) are separated 2 years and they don't get to see him much, his Dad's choice, not mine.
DS is mirroring a lot of what he would have seen his Dad doing when we were together - leaving the house and coming back when It suited him, opting out of sports he loves to play and generally being a nightmare to live with. He is fine at school and does well....but once he comes home it all kicks off. He won't do homework, he leaves the house and never comes back at the time I say. Has been annoying some of the neighbours with his friends - ringing doorbells and running away and being a nuisance. He's very angry and it blows up quite quickly - he can go from 0 to 60 VERY fast. He is confrontational on most things and seems to think he can do what he wants, when he wants. I am on the ropes here and he knows it. HE is in control of me...calling the shots. Nothing I do is right...no matter what I do or say to him, it makes no difference.
He has gone to Rainbows programme twice and we have recently starting seeing a family counsellor - he refused to go last week and literally jumped out of the car when I was leaving my youngest son with my sister when we went to the appointment.
I just don't know where to turn. I am attending the family counsellor on my own too and am trying to read all I can on positive parenting online. I can't help feeling that it's all my own fault - trying to make up for what his Dad doesn't or cant do and now it's biting me in the bum !
Any advice or experiences would be very welcome.
Have not posted much recently...but I still read everyday.
My eldest son is 11 and since Sept his behaviour has gotten worse and worse to the point that I actually feel I cannot cope anymore.
Me and his Dad(A) are separated 2 years and they don't get to see him much, his Dad's choice, not mine.
DS is mirroring a lot of what he would have seen his Dad doing when we were together - leaving the house and coming back when It suited him, opting out of sports he loves to play and generally being a nightmare to live with. He is fine at school and does well....but once he comes home it all kicks off. He won't do homework, he leaves the house and never comes back at the time I say. Has been annoying some of the neighbours with his friends - ringing doorbells and running away and being a nuisance. He's very angry and it blows up quite quickly - he can go from 0 to 60 VERY fast. He is confrontational on most things and seems to think he can do what he wants, when he wants. I am on the ropes here and he knows it. HE is in control of me...calling the shots. Nothing I do is right...no matter what I do or say to him, it makes no difference.
He has gone to Rainbows programme twice and we have recently starting seeing a family counsellor - he refused to go last week and literally jumped out of the car when I was leaving my youngest son with my sister when we went to the appointment.
I just don't know where to turn. I am attending the family counsellor on my own too and am trying to read all I can on positive parenting online. I can't help feeling that it's all my own fault - trying to make up for what his Dad doesn't or cant do and now it's biting me in the bum !
Any advice or experiences would be very welcome.
Living and Loving Life at Last
Join Date: Aug 2012
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I feel your son has been pushing against boundaries, looking for how far he can go. You said your self, he is in control of you, and this isn't a state of affairs which can be allowed to continue. As his dad seems to be out of the equation regarding discipline, I'm afraid it will be down to you. And the sooner the better. If talking to him and treating him as an adult isn't working, then he must be punished, and given smaller stronger boundaries that you will stick to. He needs to respect you, and won't until you begin to take back the power in the relationship. With lots of hugs and reassurance for all the children, keep reinforcing your stand. I wish you well, I believe your son is actually crying out for you to put him back into his role of child to your adult.
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: back woods USA
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milly39..my son was having the same behaviors...he is a little older (16 now) but exactly the same..taking off, being really in my face defiant...really pushing it across the line and I was at the end of my rope. I finally decided this kid is not going to run my house or bully me. His dad and I were separated and his dad was no help..at all. He would not participate in parenting. so I said that's it!!..when he took off, I hunted him down until I found him. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. and it was a lot. I would pull up to his friends and demand he get in the car..sometimes he would and sometimes he wouldn't. He would take off and I would follow him until he went home. and Itold him I would do it EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
When he got in my face I told him he was on lock down..total lock down. he couldn't leave the house but if he did , see above, I took his phone and cut off all contact to his friends...they were no good anyways. This continued until he showed signs of complying. It was a nightmare...it took a lot of time and attention. We moved to another state were I had family to help me since his dad would not. He is a lot better..still has some anger but he is not punching holes in my walls anymore and he is not in my face anymore but man...was it a job. I involved every person I could think of..friends of his Dads...male teachers at school. Councilors anyone who would help.
I hope this helps..I know I felt so alone and overwhelmed.
When he got in my face I told him he was on lock down..total lock down. he couldn't leave the house but if he did , see above, I took his phone and cut off all contact to his friends...they were no good anyways. This continued until he showed signs of complying. It was a nightmare...it took a lot of time and attention. We moved to another state were I had family to help me since his dad would not. He is a lot better..still has some anger but he is not punching holes in my walls anymore and he is not in my face anymore but man...was it a job. I involved every person I could think of..friends of his Dads...male teachers at school. Councilors anyone who would help.
I hope this helps..I know I felt so alone and overwhelmed.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: PA
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You need to take the control back.
This is a little drastic but this worked for our neighbor when their child (age 12) thought she ruled the house (and was a holy terror in the neighborhood).
After she left for school one morning, they took every single item out of her room except the mattress, sheet, blanket, 1 pair of pajamas, 2 pair of jeans, 3 shirts and underwear. They also put a parental block on her cell phone, the TV and the computer.
They arranged to pick her from school that day, (so they had her captive to listen to what was up rather than have her come home and then run out the door). Then on the way home they explained that major changes were starting immediately, they were taking the control back, and they handed her a list of rules. She would get 1 item back every 3 days she followed all the rules on the list and 3 items if she went a a week without any infractions.
Thinking she was smarter than them, she figured they would cave or that she would find the stuff and take it back. But they rented a storage locker and left the key with a neighbor (me, which is how I found out about this). It took the girl 2 weeks to finally earn her first item back and nearly a year until she had it all back. But let me tell you, it worked. For them it mean no yelling and no fights they just put an X over that day and she had to start again trying to gain her 3 days back.
It might cost a bit to get the storage area but they told me that it was worth every cent. Just an idea. I said this was drastic but I think you need drastic. Age 11 is way too young for him to have the power he does now, which is most of it.
This is a little drastic but this worked for our neighbor when their child (age 12) thought she ruled the house (and was a holy terror in the neighborhood).
After she left for school one morning, they took every single item out of her room except the mattress, sheet, blanket, 1 pair of pajamas, 2 pair of jeans, 3 shirts and underwear. They also put a parental block on her cell phone, the TV and the computer.
They arranged to pick her from school that day, (so they had her captive to listen to what was up rather than have her come home and then run out the door). Then on the way home they explained that major changes were starting immediately, they were taking the control back, and they handed her a list of rules. She would get 1 item back every 3 days she followed all the rules on the list and 3 items if she went a a week without any infractions.
Thinking she was smarter than them, she figured they would cave or that she would find the stuff and take it back. But they rented a storage locker and left the key with a neighbor (me, which is how I found out about this). It took the girl 2 weeks to finally earn her first item back and nearly a year until she had it all back. But let me tell you, it worked. For them it mean no yelling and no fights they just put an X over that day and she had to start again trying to gain her 3 days back.
It might cost a bit to get the storage area but they told me that it was worth every cent. Just an idea. I said this was drastic but I think you need drastic. Age 11 is way too young for him to have the power he does now, which is most of it.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Ireland
Posts: 222
thanks for the replies.
Formyboys - I have done what you did - even yesterday I went after him in the car 3 different times and also took him outa his friends house twice.
Lena - drastic idea with the lock up but I guess if it works, its considered an option.
I gotta hang tough here. the scary thing is, it's nearly like having his Dad back in the house...ykwim?
Formyboys - I have done what you did - even yesterday I went after him in the car 3 different times and also took him outa his friends house twice.
Lena - drastic idea with the lock up but I guess if it works, its considered an option.
I gotta hang tough here. the scary thing is, it's nearly like having his Dad back in the house...ykwim?
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Milly, I am in total agreement that enforcing reasonable boundaries is necessary.
However, I believe that there is more to the story...... Nobody knows what is going on in his mind--what thoughts and FEARS he is having. The child of his age does not have the verbal ability to express his feelings the way we adults do. they don't experience the l oss of the father the same way the spouse does. We don't know what happens in other settings---bullying (or worse) (and, the kid, often, wont tell).
I suggest this---he desperately needs a one-on-one person who is very non-threatening and compassionate that he can confide in. An Uncle, a teacher or coach, a therapist, a (mature) older cousin, a friendly neighbor, etc....Somebody that he can share his burden with.
No kid suddenly becomes like this just because they WANT to be defiant. Often teens or preteens will act-up to give release to the depression that they may be feeling inside.
PLEASE get him some INDIVIDUAL help.He is suffering as much as you are.
Boundaries--yes, but, sometimes (like this), more is needed.
I know how scarey this is for you!
very sincerely, dandylion
However, I believe that there is more to the story...... Nobody knows what is going on in his mind--what thoughts and FEARS he is having. The child of his age does not have the verbal ability to express his feelings the way we adults do. they don't experience the l oss of the father the same way the spouse does. We don't know what happens in other settings---bullying (or worse) (and, the kid, often, wont tell).
I suggest this---he desperately needs a one-on-one person who is very non-threatening and compassionate that he can confide in. An Uncle, a teacher or coach, a therapist, a (mature) older cousin, a friendly neighbor, etc....Somebody that he can share his burden with.
No kid suddenly becomes like this just because they WANT to be defiant. Often teens or preteens will act-up to give release to the depression that they may be feeling inside.
PLEASE get him some INDIVIDUAL help.He is suffering as much as you are.
Boundaries--yes, but, sometimes (like this), more is needed.
I know how scarey this is for you!
very sincerely, dandylion
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: back woods USA
Posts: 171
Milly..I have been thinking of you and your situation since yesterday. I hope you were able to have a peaceful night as I know how few and far between those were for me when my son was acting out like yours is. Don't get me wrong...we still have flair ups but they are short and nothing like what was happening before.
dandylion is right...my son was starving for male interaction, any that he could get. I had him in therapy that wasn't really helping. What seemed to help the most was finding just regular guys, like I said earlier, friends dads...there was a coach at school, my son was not on his team but he loved to help teenagers and I got him involved. He was a huge help. I believe to the core of my being that he is and was screaming for his dads attention..and those male role models helped, but nothing is going to fill that hole he has for his dad. That being said he still has flashes of anger, he still acts out and has serious impulse control issues. he reverts to that behavior of 0-60 in a second well because that's what he got use to...and sometimes it did get his dads attention. mostly not...boys want their dad not matter what kind of person they are. Addicts, selfish, it doesn't matter, they are still their dad and in my past experience when they are adults they will seek them out and have a relationship or get a really harsh dose of reality. There is nothing that can be done to avoid it.
Man Milly I totally feel for you....I remember the feelings of helplessness and just pure anger and fear when we were in the middle of the worst. This board was so helpful to me when I was going through it, Im glad you are reaching out to.
dandylion is right...my son was starving for male interaction, any that he could get. I had him in therapy that wasn't really helping. What seemed to help the most was finding just regular guys, like I said earlier, friends dads...there was a coach at school, my son was not on his team but he loved to help teenagers and I got him involved. He was a huge help. I believe to the core of my being that he is and was screaming for his dads attention..and those male role models helped, but nothing is going to fill that hole he has for his dad. That being said he still has flashes of anger, he still acts out and has serious impulse control issues. he reverts to that behavior of 0-60 in a second well because that's what he got use to...and sometimes it did get his dads attention. mostly not...boys want their dad not matter what kind of person they are. Addicts, selfish, it doesn't matter, they are still their dad and in my past experience when they are adults they will seek them out and have a relationship or get a really harsh dose of reality. There is nothing that can be done to avoid it.
Man Milly I totally feel for you....I remember the feelings of helplessness and just pure anger and fear when we were in the middle of the worst. This board was so helpful to me when I was going through it, Im glad you are reaching out to.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Ireland
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formyboys - thank you - I think what you are saying is 100% correct - in the counselling he just says vey little and its like he just wants to get it over and done with. I will have to get my BIL to take him under his wing - there are no other males in my family on either side. He has stopped doing all sports, so I cannot get a coach etc on board.
At least I know there is light at the end of the tunnel.
I hate alcoholism and the mass of destruction it leaves behind - it just isn't fair
At least I know there is light at the end of the tunnel.
I hate alcoholism and the mass of destruction it leaves behind - it just isn't fair
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Join Date: Sep 2011
Location: back woods USA
Posts: 171
my son was the same with the councilor ...wouldn't talk and just sat there..after a year I realized he needed more.
Is there a teacher at his school whom he thinks is "cool" or likes? a Parent he looks up to? I found that any adult that my son liked or looked up to, if I went to them and told them the situation they were more then happy to get on board. People normally want to help if you fill them in.
I hate alcoholism to...its a dark nasty disease that has a ripple effect miles wide...
Is there a teacher at his school whom he thinks is "cool" or likes? a Parent he looks up to? I found that any adult that my son liked or looked up to, if I went to them and told them the situation they were more then happy to get on board. People normally want to help if you fill them in.
I hate alcoholism to...its a dark nasty disease that has a ripple effect miles wide...
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