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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: California
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Hi, I have been reading these posts for quite some time and I finally got the courage to post myself. I really want to thank everyone for sharing because I feel like other people here understand the position I am in.
I am married without kids and my husband is an alcoholic. We want to have children soon but I won't do that unless he can get control of his drinking because I don't want to bring kids into a toxic environment.
My husband goes back and forth telling me how much he loves me and wants to quit and making promises, and then at other times resenting me for trying to help him because he feels like I am a nag or just trying to ruin his life.
He will get himself in bad situations and then come running to me the next day apologizing and making empty promises, but by the end of the week he forgot everything that happened and the cycle starts over.
I am in my mid thirties and I don't want to wait longer to have children but I can't as a responsible person bring children into this. I won't leave him but I am starting to worry I will never have kids because of it and it is so upsetting to me.
Thank you all for listening to my story.
I am married without kids and my husband is an alcoholic. We want to have children soon but I won't do that unless he can get control of his drinking because I don't want to bring kids into a toxic environment.
My husband goes back and forth telling me how much he loves me and wants to quit and making promises, and then at other times resenting me for trying to help him because he feels like I am a nag or just trying to ruin his life.
He will get himself in bad situations and then come running to me the next day apologizing and making empty promises, but by the end of the week he forgot everything that happened and the cycle starts over.
I am in my mid thirties and I don't want to wait longer to have children but I can't as a responsible person bring children into this. I won't leave him but I am starting to worry I will never have kids because of it and it is so upsetting to me.
Thank you all for listening to my story.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Southern USA
Posts: 36
Your husband will have to hit bottom before he decides to get sober. This is part of the process. If you decide to stay with him, as I did with my RAW then you must take care of yourself. In my experience you can't help him get sober, but you can be there to support him when he decides, after he hits bottom. It is not easy. Alcholism is a disease that has to run its' course. The most beautiful thing my wife ever said to me is "I want to go to treatment."
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello Karen, Welcome to SR! I think you are very wise to not bring children into a living situation with an active alcoholic. If you would like to learn more about the effects of raising a child in an alcoholic home, please do not hesitate to read through the threads in our Adult Children of Addict/Alcoholic Parents forum.
I think encouraging him to seek recovery is great! I just hope that you understand that for recovery to work, it has to be something he really wants for himself.
Keep reading, keep posting and learn all you can about alcoholism. It helps, no matter what you decide to do.
I think encouraging him to seek recovery is great! I just hope that you understand that for recovery to work, it has to be something he really wants for himself.
Keep reading, keep posting and learn all you can about alcoholism. It helps, no matter what you decide to do.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 9,029
Hi Karen and welcome. Sounds like classic alcoholic behavior to me. You can't fix him though. He has to want to do it for himself. If you try to help or suggest it will just fall on deaf ears.
As for kids, you could freeze eggs. And older women than you are having babies. I had mine at 40 and 43. But my AH was and still is drinking so you are right about being concerned bringing kids into the mix. Do you want to be married to him but raising your children as if you were a single parent? That has been my experience.
I can't give answer, just my own experience. And support. It is tough. My thought are with you.
As for kids, you could freeze eggs. And older women than you are having babies. I had mine at 40 and 43. But my AH was and still is drinking so you are right about being concerned bringing kids into the mix. Do you want to be married to him but raising your children as if you were a single parent? That has been my experience.
I can't give answer, just my own experience. And support. It is tough. My thought are with you.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
unless he can get control of his drinking
He's an alcoholic. He can't get control of his drinking. He can continue to drink or he can stop and enter recovery. He will make his choice.
You have choices too, but as long as you're tying your choices to his behavior, you will feel stuck.
Welcome.
He's an alcoholic. He can't get control of his drinking. He can continue to drink or he can stop and enter recovery. He will make his choice.
You have choices too, but as long as you're tying your choices to his behavior, you will feel stuck.
Welcome.
Journey To Me
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Kyle, Texas
Posts: 395
Welcome!
Thank you for sharing.
You are most definitely among those who understand this pattern quite well. Your words are much like mine. I too want kids one day (sooner than later preferably), but do not want my child(ren) to grow up in such an environment. The problem I have is much the same as you as well. I continually to wait until my husband squashes this drinking business. The problem is that he is an alcoholic, and he cannot control his drinking. What I have been discovering is that my husband may never change, and if I spend my lifetime waiting until the ending that may never come my dreams may go unfulfilled. Essentially I am allowing my husband to dictate if MY dreams come true or not. That is a lot of power for someone to have over me. My dreams should be just that- MY dreams. They should be dictated be me. The presence is the only thing I can go by, and at the moment my husband is an actively drinking alcoholic, and that is not okay for ME to bring a child into such an environment. I have heard all the promises too, but I am beginning to discover that the past is the best predictor of the future. I discovered that for years my life has been stuck on repeat. My husband promises continue to get broken as the cycle repeats, and alcoholism is a progressive disease. My husband had attempted suicide, did a stay in a psychiatric hospital, two outpatient rehab programs, AA off and on, and most recently a heart attack that resulted in a double bypass surgery at the age of thirty-one. None of these events had been his “bottom,’ and he continues to drink despite on each one of these events he swore he’d never drink again. Nothing changes this cycle unless something changes, and the only thing I can control to change would be me and my life. I am currently working on dictating my own dreams.
Keep coming back. Keep Reading. We all are here for you and understand what you’re going through. SR, Al-Anon, and education on alcoholism and codependency have all helped me along my way. Hugs.
Thank you for sharing.
You are most definitely among those who understand this pattern quite well. Your words are much like mine. I too want kids one day (sooner than later preferably), but do not want my child(ren) to grow up in such an environment. The problem I have is much the same as you as well. I continually to wait until my husband squashes this drinking business. The problem is that he is an alcoholic, and he cannot control his drinking. What I have been discovering is that my husband may never change, and if I spend my lifetime waiting until the ending that may never come my dreams may go unfulfilled. Essentially I am allowing my husband to dictate if MY dreams come true or not. That is a lot of power for someone to have over me. My dreams should be just that- MY dreams. They should be dictated be me. The presence is the only thing I can go by, and at the moment my husband is an actively drinking alcoholic, and that is not okay for ME to bring a child into such an environment. I have heard all the promises too, but I am beginning to discover that the past is the best predictor of the future. I discovered that for years my life has been stuck on repeat. My husband promises continue to get broken as the cycle repeats, and alcoholism is a progressive disease. My husband had attempted suicide, did a stay in a psychiatric hospital, two outpatient rehab programs, AA off and on, and most recently a heart attack that resulted in a double bypass surgery at the age of thirty-one. None of these events had been his “bottom,’ and he continues to drink despite on each one of these events he swore he’d never drink again. Nothing changes this cycle unless something changes, and the only thing I can control to change would be me and my life. I am currently working on dictating my own dreams.
Keep coming back. Keep Reading. We all are here for you and understand what you’re going through. SR, Al-Anon, and education on alcoholism and codependency have all helped me along my way. Hugs.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
Karen-
I also add my welcome.
My situation was very similar to yours. It has been one of the most challenging decisions I have been faced with.
My marriage did not make it. I at times continue to have a hard time with that (it will be three years since the divorce, soon). I am grateful however that I did not bring a child into the relationship as it would just have complicated my decisions further. I was 34 when it all kind of hit the fan.
Just in the last six months or so I have been seriously looking at my options. I remain single, and I truthfully don't think I am ready for a relationship any time soon. One of the things recovery has provided me though is the fact that I have options, and I alway did. One of my challenges was not realizing I did (I still do in times of stress).
The kid challenge though was really hard for me to turn over and not hold onto so tightly, especially at the begining. In some ways it distracted me from the real challenges going on in my life with a loved one with problem drinking behavior.
Keep posting, keep working on you and I have started to learn it all works out like it should.
I also add my welcome.
My situation was very similar to yours. It has been one of the most challenging decisions I have been faced with.
My marriage did not make it. I at times continue to have a hard time with that (it will be three years since the divorce, soon). I am grateful however that I did not bring a child into the relationship as it would just have complicated my decisions further. I was 34 when it all kind of hit the fan.
Just in the last six months or so I have been seriously looking at my options. I remain single, and I truthfully don't think I am ready for a relationship any time soon. One of the things recovery has provided me though is the fact that I have options, and I alway did. One of my challenges was not realizing I did (I still do in times of stress).
The kid challenge though was really hard for me to turn over and not hold onto so tightly, especially at the begining. In some ways it distracted me from the real challenges going on in my life with a loved one with problem drinking behavior.
Keep posting, keep working on you and I have started to learn it all works out like it should.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Buffalo, ny
Posts: 66
I really am happy that I read this tread. I am 36 and currently with a guy who is going through his second rehab. I want children but I just don't know how reliable he would be as a dad. My age scares me as far as my stupid "biological clock" but I do need to realize that it is out if my hands. It's just hard to release that...
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: East Coast
Posts: 427
I chose not to have kids with my AXH. I come from alcoholics, and the risk of him relapsing and our children being alcoholics/addicts seemed just too likely for me. I know you can't guarantee anything about how your children will turn out, but the thought of an addict or alcoholic is just too much for me. I too am in my mid thirties, and just figure that since I choose to be single for a long time so I can heal from all of this, that I can always adopt in my late 30's or 40's if I really feel the desire to raise a child.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: East Coast
Posts: 427
Single life is so much better than marriage with an addict. My home is clean all the time (he stopped cleaning up after himself etc.) no fights, I love being at home, I love that there's no stress at home anymore and I am so happy not to have to ask someone 20 questions because they won't give me a straight answer. I thought that I was going to be somewhat sad with it being the holidays, but I'm not, I'm so much happier. I actually bought decorations today, am spending Thanksgiving with friends. Getting a dog and getting on this site were the two best things I could have ever done in my situation. Everyone on this site has helped tremendous amounts. I was just so tired of how things were before I knew he relapsed and to be out of the madness was THEEEEEE best decision I made. He left town, but making the decision to be done with it mentally was the best option and I feel like a much healthier person for it.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
Originally Posted by overit263 
Getting a dog ...
My home will never be without one... and, they love to cuddle! Karen, Welcome. Sorry for the hijack... Your husband is dealing with a lifetime disease. He will always be an alcoholic, even in recovery. So even if he sobers up and becomes well, he can go back to it at anytime of HIS choosing. My alcoholic husband was sober for 20 years Dear Karen. He picked up and our world was SMASHED to pieces over it!
We have no children unless you count the Boxer and Rottweiler and let me tell you, even they have suffered emotionally over his alcoholism! I literally have to remove them from the home when he goes apeshit bananas! It's harder to do that with skin kids.
I hate to say it but... if you find he does not want recovery and you want children, your best bet may be finding a better suitor for your wants and needs when it comes to daddy material. That's a tough pill especially when you love them so much. Alcoholism is such a selfish disease not only to them but to the family as a whole and he's literally cheating you out of your dream of being a mommy. It's painful AND he's being heartless and so damn selfish IMO.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: East Coast
Posts: 427
Originally Posted by BoxinRotz
If you haven't chosen one yet, may I suggest a boxer! You will laugh your butt off with their fun loving free spirit! My home will never be without one... and, they love to cuddle!
Karen, Welcome. Sorry for the hijack... Your husband is dealing with a lifetime disease. He will always be an alcoholic, even in recovery. So even if he sobers up and becomes well, he can go back to it at anytime of HIS choosing. My alcoholic husband was sober for 20 years Dear Karen. He picked up and our world was SMASHED to pieces over it!
We have no children unless you count the Boxer and Rottweiler and let me tell you, even they have suffered emotionally over his alcoholism! I literally have to remove them from the home when he goes apeshit bananas! It's harder to do that with skin kids.
I hate to say it but... if you find he does not want recovery and you want children, your best bet may be finding a better suitor for your wants and needs when it comes to daddy material. That's a tough pill especially when you love them so much. Alcoholism is such a selfish disease not only to them but to the family as a whole and he's literally cheating you out of your dream of being a mommy. It's painful AND he's being heartless and so damn selfish IMO.
My home will never be without one... and, they love to cuddle! Karen, Welcome. Sorry for the hijack... Your husband is dealing with a lifetime disease. He will always be an alcoholic, even in recovery. So even if he sobers up and becomes well, he can go back to it at anytime of HIS choosing. My alcoholic husband was sober for 20 years Dear Karen. He picked up and our world was SMASHED to pieces over it!
We have no children unless you count the Boxer and Rottweiler and let me tell you, even they have suffered emotionally over his alcoholism! I literally have to remove them from the home when he goes apeshit bananas! It's harder to do that with skin kids.
I hate to say it but... if you find he does not want recovery and you want children, your best bet may be finding a better suitor for your wants and needs when it comes to daddy material. That's a tough pill especially when you love them so much. Alcoholism is such a selfish disease not only to them but to the family as a whole and he's literally cheating you out of your dream of being a mommy. It's painful AND he's being heartless and so damn selfish IMO.
I did adopt one a few months ago, he was found in a ditch by my friend's husband, they thought he was dead and he was growling and freaked out and had mange. I had to take him home when I saw him because we were both abandoned in some way! He's the best thing that ever happened to me. He's so loving and so happy to have a home, food and a bed! I don't know how things would have been if I hadn't adopted him when AXH left town. I was scared because I didn't know if dealers would be coming to my home etc. so I wanted protection. He's a lab, but we can't tell if he has some pit or some boxer in him-he's got a loud bark and that worked for me!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: California
Posts: 6
Thank you all for the input, it was so helpful to read these comments. I think what I struggle with the most is that if you look at how much my husband drank before he met me until today, it is significantly less (after years of me encouraging him to cut back). He still drinks too much in my opinion but every year that goes by I see him decreasing the amount he drinks on average. Right now an average week he is probably sober 2 night, has a couple beers 3 nights and drinks too much 2 nights. This is down from before I met him where he would get drunk every night.
He has never seriously contemplated AA or any program yet. I think that is why I keep holding on to hope (maybe false hope?) that he may get help or at least to a place where he drinks in a healthy way in the long run. Although by that time it would be too late to have kids at this rate.
He has never seriously contemplated AA or any program yet. I think that is why I keep holding on to hope (maybe false hope?) that he may get help or at least to a place where he drinks in a healthy way in the long run. Although by that time it would be too late to have kids at this rate.
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