frustrated and angry

Old 11-22-2013, 07:02 PM
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frustrated and angry

I try not to hold anger in my heart , b/c it feels like it eats away at me slowly and kills my life however I am noticeably angry the last few days and I can't blame myself for feeling that way.

I don't know if this is an addict thing or just my ABF but we are unable to discuss -anything- that may go wrong in our relationship. From big things like trust or big fights to little misunderstandings. Literally anything negative that happened that upset me I cannot resolve. He feels 1. attacked or 2. controlled like I am his mom. Regardless of whether that is actually what's happening. I have weeded through each excuse and " perfected " the way I approach him and what I say, but in the end he has more and has not made 1 compromise of how he handles communicating.

I used to sweep this under the rug. For years. Live for the good times and just want to patch it up so Friday night we could be having fun together again, or making plans for our next vacation. But now, I am unable to do that and when there is a problem ( recently this past two weeks) I just didn't chase him anymore to " resolve it properly" or even try to patch it up so we can be happy. I just checked out, and carried on with my life, and told him I obviously cannot keep giving what he needs unless he is able to acknowledge I am an actual person with feelings. ….I lost all desire to have sex with him or to spend any quality time together bc he flat out avoids me when he knows we should be resolving something that happened. He will call the next day and sound confused why I am frustrated or short. He also gets mad when I do not accept his advances or want to make plans ...like I am just trying to be a problem for no good reason. What about my feelings? It seems he wants a prostitute, not a partner.

I literally let him have as much time as he wanted to go out every night, blow this off, drink, and would let him call me on his own good time the next day or few days, and it just goes in cycles. He tried to come over twice to talk after realizing we are at a "standstill" and it ended with him listening, giving nothing but the word "okay" and then telling me this is just him - he isn't the type to discuss things- and I am trying to fix or change him and maybe we should break up. ( INSERT THREAT) I obviously mentioned that ALL couples have to be able to resolve or talk, because life isn't perfect. No response and again, "You are trying to change me. " I just let it go, he left and it repeated again two days later with him trying again to sit down and us both calm. Same thing, he ends up refusing to compromise or talk to me about how we can communicate better. When I voiced my concerns about him I was walking on glass, when he had his chance to talk he basically went off on me, it seems more malicious than " I want you to understand my side." (non of this was alcohol discussion btw)I intercepted to tell him we have to talk without attacking- he right away shut down told me he can't do this anymore and maybe we should take some time off. Again i just sit there, b/c I will not beg, yell, or plead .. only respect his threat and let him sit with it. he wanted to go home so he got up to get ready and so did i.. because I was going for a walk. Not sitting in the apt sulking! Apparently this bothered him. On both nights after this sad display of effort on his part and ditching me at the apt, he was kind enough to invite me over for sex probably, or just a warm body to lay next to high. I refused.

I have not really reached out to him, nor do I want to sleep with him or regret my decision to stand off on this one and keep myself busy with friends/life. His actions are basically communicating to me that I am here for his sexual pleasure and full time fun company and enjoyment. At any time should I need any real attention to my feelings or have a problem with any of the ill treatment he shovels out to me, I can go spend a few days alone. Or he will just go out and drink. And I can just sit and think about that until I get weak, cave, and come running to him to " work this out" aka shove it under the rug after a not so nice and unhelpful " talk. "

We are at a wall now, b/c I obviously don't see myself wanting to just sleep with him and compromise my dignity and self respect at this point. I am so bitter I can't even have dinner with him or give him my time let alone that. And he seems to be fine with not calling me at all today for the first time this week as he probably feels that I am making a big deal of nothing. Has anyone else experienced this, please share. Really needed to vent and post.
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Old 11-22-2013, 08:25 PM
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Sounds like you have been figuring it out.
You can't have a relationship beyond the physical if the other person won't share or connect with you in a meaningful way.

If it were me, I think I would take him up on the (insert threat) and walk.

Everybody deserves respect and to have their feelings validated.
Treat yourself as you would treat others, don't you think?

Good luck and I'm sorry that you have been going through such a tough time.
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Old 11-22-2013, 08:31 PM
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Yes I have been through this. He was not an alcoholic, but he was a narcissist and every little thing I needed, wanted or asked for was greeted with a "you are trying to change me", "let me be me"
He went so far as to make a big banner for my office which said that exact thing. A BANNER..can you imagine? Big letters "let me be me" hanging on MY WALL?

When my reaction, like yours, was then to go do something for me, I was tailed, I was called constantly,i was given the third degree when I got home but when HE did it, which was at least four nights a week (we were on opposite work schedules)he was just being "him". It was fruitless.

I would never say this to a friend who was sitting next to me, but I can say it to you.

ditch him.

Cut your losses now. I wasted over three years with this man because his overtures of romance and big things that cost big money were overwhelming. I was addicted to the high of those things. Thru therapy my therapist also saw both of us couples counseling and. My shrink said "sometimes you can't blame anyone, you're just different and have to let go of each other". But I spent another year trying to prove my ex was WRONG..he was just wrong..and I still think he was, but I lost too many nights over it and it was the hardest break up of my life, despite how awful thenrelationship was. i felt a failure.
...it took six long hard horrible months for me to get out of the house and on WitH my life. I was shattered. But life was so much better when I came out on the other side.
. Seriously, dump this one.

Last edited by Booo; 11-22-2013 at 08:34 PM. Reason: Spelling
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Old 11-22-2013, 08:50 PM
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Yes! I have been exactly in that situation. You are lucky in the fact that you are NOT married to him and NOT living with him. Get away as quickly as you can while you have the clarity and strength you need to do so. I don't want you or anyone to end up in a situation such as mine.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time!!! Listen to your gut instincts! Trust yourself.

His behavior has NOTHING to do with you! It is his "stuff" and you cannot fix or change it or him!

Go do something for yourself! Block his calls, change your locks, and go find a life for you away from him!
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Old 11-23-2013, 06:43 AM
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Hi bird13, I don't have any advice to offer as you seem to be figuring this out just fine. What I will share is that while working through my recovery I was dealing with a lot of anger as well. In fact calling it anger isn't quite right, it was often rage.

What I learned was a big surprise, I wasn't nearly as angry with my AW as I was with myself. I was feeling the anger because I wasn't listening to my instincts, I wasn't paying attention to her actions but rather hanging on to the magical thinking that love conquers all and I could save her.

I was wrong and I needed to change to save me, not her. Don't feel guilty about feeling angry, it is normal and healthy as long as you pay attention to the real cause. For me anger is an alarm telling me some is wrong, is wrong now and something has to change.

So, kudos on making these difficult first steps.

Your friend,
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Old 11-23-2013, 08:14 AM
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hi, bird--as others have said, you seem to be doing extremely well in figuring out the line of crap he's trying to feed you. As another poster also said, he is showing you who he truly is, and you should surely believe him. He's looking for fun, fun, fun and no responsibility; as you mentioned, that is simply NOT the way a real, live, grown-up relationship works, whether HE wants to face that fact or not.

Don't know if you've considered or been to Alanon? It's a good place to get some real-world support as you move forward. I use SR and Alanon both, as each has its own strong points and I need all of those I can get!

Welcome to SR, and I hope you find strength and clarity in the days to come.
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Old 11-23-2013, 06:43 PM
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Yes I have been to al- anon for 2 years. My therapist said most of the time when people finally get sober, all this baloney stops and they are not as unwilling. It is literal brain damage from alcoholism.

Either way, I don't really care b/c all that matters is the present, and what I have to live with.. right now. He sent my dad a text about how I have tried to change him, and how he spends 90% of the time trying to figure out what went wrong. and he can never keep me happy. I never share him with his friends. It went on and on.

That just enraged me. I honestly want his liver to fail, and I just want everyone in his life to see what a lying, back stabbing, drunk he has been for 3 years. What the face of alcoholism really looks like- their nice perfect buddy such a mess inside.

I don't know sober if he would ever be able to sit down, and validate someone else's feelings. ever. I am just so angry at what he told my parents I want to never speak to him again.

obviously I am going to take NO action on these feelings, and just calm down. right now I am able to see that I am too angry to do any good for anyone. I just feel extremely manipulated. and controlled. Makes me want to just cheat all over town on this guy. I guess that is why in aa they say : we have driven our wives into the arms of other men.

I have absolutely NO interest in trying to chase after HIM to work this out. He has made me look to my own parents, and to our friends like I am trying to " control his life " ….. and he is Joe Cool… trying to escape his tyrant girlfriend who brings out " the worst in him. " It couldn't be the alcohol doing that? the other 99% of the time. I am just backing off COMPLETELY almost to complete absence in his life at this point, and I will let him figure out what he thinks is best if he wants me around b/c this is not going to work this way and i won't feed into looking crazy.
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Old 11-23-2013, 06:47 PM
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of course my parents think he needs to get sober. end of story. and leave him. end or story. I will work on it.
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Old 11-24-2013, 03:18 AM
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You are on the right course. Do nothing.
Another thing, when mine came back begging, and crying the first time I let him go, Wondering how he could live without me, I took him back.
and I would swear this on a stack of bibles,
he was so relieved(?) that I did, that when I offered up the idea for a nice walk on the beach in celebration he said he had made plans to meet friends, and admitted that he WISHED he could conjure back up the pain of not having me 5-10 minutes earlier so he could appreciate the offer.
YES all he wanted was to WIN me back, not even HAVE be back.
His happiness lay in the winning, not the prize.
It took me three times to make the break up stick. Please do not go back for 2nds or 3rds.
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Old 11-27-2013, 11:29 PM
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Wow!! That must have really made you angry. I can tell you, sadly we have broken up 2 times although my not talking to him and abandoning him as he calls it constitutes so many breakups over the last three years- he loves to tell me that in a disgusted arrogant voice.

I left him twice, so this would be our third if we do again. winning # I guess. Mine came back the same, begging crying the first time, the second he had the pitty party of his enabling group backing him so he was arrogant after we got back together and reminded me that he never agreed to stop drinking, I rebuttled: and I never agreed to be abused. case closed.

This morning I experienced something very similiar to what you just described: I have barely seen him in november, 3x due to his avoidance of us and my reluctance to push him. Obviously he came to the table sunday, tail between the legs, wanting to talk now. I was very nice and explained that he seems to have peaks ( the real him) and valleys (the drunk binging monster) that can last for weeks or months. It hurts us. It deeply has affected my feelings, recently as we have not even seen each other and I am having a difficult time keeping that " in love" feeling while he has gone missing for a month binging. Literally a month. He was teary eyed. hugged me and thanked me for being so relaxed about that talk. ( I always am. what BS.) The next day I did not feel like going to dinner or spending the night with him b/c I am bitter and resentful that he never even apologized for the way he handled things. No thought at all for what it was like for me. I didn't fight with him, just said: I just am having trouble with my feelings. You have just been gone a long time. He was a little frustrated and sarcastic. I went home feeling a little guilty, because it was the night before I left for this thanksgiving. So in the morning he did wish me a happy holiday as I was packing today, and I responded: thank you Would you like to grab food before I leave? Thinking that he would be happy to after sending me a message, and wanting to spend time with me the night before. Do you know what he replied:

" OH. So all the sudden we are aloud to hangout again now? " And proceeded to fight with me and show his butt. I just was flabbergasted. It really is the winning for them. I realized that next time I am in this situation and he feels the need to be arrogant, I will simply just say: I have to go. Or not respond to the text... because I do not need to be sucked into the badgering and arguing and abuse just because he is " having a moment " that will leave me feeling horrible and crying, and he would have already moved on to another mood 1 hour later. It is crazy town and not even worth the energy. Im learning.
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Old 11-28-2013, 01:25 AM
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Showed you his BUTT? For Gawds sake, what is wrong with people or was that a typo? Either way---This behaviour is so insane---the "oh you're back? let me now DUMP on you for a while" is just a classic sign of narcissim (to me) It IS winning. it IS him wanting to know he has the POWER, but then he wants no responsibility or accountablitly. How incredibly awful. I am so sorry. I have been there.
I thought also, that I would never get over him, the breakup, the real one was SO painful. FOR MONTHS. Maybe I felt like i LOST, because honestly HE was not worth keeping and I do not understand why I tried so so hard to "be good" for so so long. What a waste. I hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving without him.
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Old 11-28-2013, 02:57 AM
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I encourage you to read the post titled what is love orwhat does love mean to you? You are not trapped. If you are not getting what you need out of a relationship.....clearly your not....who would be w this.....look at your options and follow what your head tells you is right.

Keep posting....your not alone. Hugs!
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Old 11-28-2013, 08:26 AM
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bird, ((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))

Are you with my ex?????? When I read what you wrote it was like having flashbacks. When I first read it, I mostly skimmed it quickly, because I really did know what you were going to say next. I read it again the second time, and it was like reading my own journal, and that's really scary.!!!!!!!

My ex used to disappear also for months at a time. It did start off with a day or two, then it just progressed more and more, till it ended up getting to 1 to 2 months, he wouldn't answer his phone, wouldn't call me, wouldn't let me know where he was. Would not communicate at all. Then he would come back, and everything should be the same as it was, because "look, we didn't fight for the last month". I would be accused of not letting anything go, holding a grudge, just trying to start another fight. He just wanted to have sex and make things all better, and I was a b!tch, because I wanted to talk about my feelings, and how we need to improve our communication.

I tried every way that I could to try to explain my feelings, my needs, my wants as nice as I could. He got to the point of just saying, I have to listen to this stupid BS again, why can't you ever "just get over it", and just move on already. He would also scream at me that "I am not his mother, and can't tell him what to do".

One thing that I did find out from one of our trips to a psychologist was, that it makes him "mad" when people are upset with him. Well, that explained a lot to me. So I was not allowed to be angry, upset, hurt, disappointed. I also wasn't allowed to be happy unless he was the cause of my happiness. Try to make sense out of that. I would like to say that it was all about control and manipulation, but that was his actual thinking process. He was never going to see that as being wrong, and that it was control and manipulation.

So I finally left my ex, and he eventually filed for a divorce. (I did push for him to file for the divorce, because I knew his pride would stop him from ever trying to contact me again), but he told me that he did it, because you can't have a relationship, if you are not together. That one really blew me away, because I wanted to say to him, what about all the times that you disappeared, ran away for months, you mean to tell me you thought that was a relationship?

I had a lot of anger during those years, but I think it was more anger at myself, yes, of course, I hated him then, and I hated the way that he acted, but I realize now that it was anger at myself, because I allowed it, I was always trying to think of different ways to get through to him, to try to explain things better, to get him to understand that I was a person, that I had feelings.

Now I know, anger is a good emotion, when handled properly. I used it to motivate myself to leave him. Best thing that I ever did.

I think you are doing good right now, and you are seeing things for what they are and what they can be. It will get worse, the disappearing acts will get longer and longer. Also in this case, I also don't believe if you take the alcohol away that things will be any better. My ex was like this with or without alcohol.

Take care of you
(((((((((((hugs)))))))))))

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Old 11-28-2013, 08:43 AM
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bird,

Wanted to also tell you that besides all of the above, don't think that if you do not show your anger, hurt, disappointment, or any other feelings that things will be ok, they won't be.

My ex had threatened to divorce me because I got a fish sandwich once, another time because I washed the kitchen floor, because I loved that floor more then I loved him.

None of this has anything to do with you. With my ex, he was a very angry person, didn't show it to other people, just me. So if something was bothering him, I could be the nicest and sweetest to him, and he would find something to attack me for, and if I tried to explain to him that I wasn't doing or saying what he thought I was, that just made him angrier. He would tell me that I was invalidating his feelings, so why should he listen to my feelings. Guess his trips to therapist and psychologist paid off for him!!!!!!

((((((((((more hugs)))))))))and hope you have a Happy Thanksgiving.
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Old 11-28-2013, 09:25 AM
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Bird13, I am so sorry that you are going through this, and my response is on somewhat of a tangent to your thread so first I'm repeating what amy55 said,

"I think you are doing good right now, and you are seeing things for what they are and what they can be. It will get worse, the disappearing acts will get longer and longer. Also in this case, I also don't believe if you take the alcohol away that things will be any better. My ex was like this with or without alcohol."

Take care of you
(((((((((((hugs)))))))))))

Bird, your first sentence, "I try not to hold anger in my heart , b/c it feels like it eats away at me slowly and kills my life." When a living creature gets angry, adrenaline is released into the blood stream in response to the "fight or flight protection mechanism," and it tears other molecules to pieces, anger is eating away at your body. I have severe anger issues myself, and it's a lot easier said than done to control anger, but I'm working on it. Bottom line reason not to be angry is for your health, and trust me you will waste an enormous amount of time that could be used for positives aspects of your life. I of course hope your relationship goes the way you want it to, but please don't let it tear you apart. Rootin for ya.

Epinephrine and Psychology Epinephrine and Emotional Response

Every emotional response has a behavioral component, an autonomic component, and a hormonal component. The hormonal component includes the release of epinephrine, an adrenomedullary response that occurs in response to stress and that is controlled by the sympathetic nervous system. The major emotion studied in relation to epinephrine is fear. In an experiment, subjects who were injected with epinephrine expressed more negative and fewer positive facial expressions to fear films compared to a control group. These subjects also reported a more intense fear from the films and greater mean intensity of negative memories than control subjects.[23] The findings from this study demonstrate that there are learned associations between negative feelings and levels of epinephrine. Overall, the greater amount of epinephrine is positively correlated with an arousal state of negative feelings. These findings can be an effect in part that epinephrine elicits physiological sympathetic responses including an increased heart rate and knee shaking, which can be attributed to the feeling of fear regardless of the actual level of fear elicited from the video. Although studies have found a definite relation between epinephrine and fear, other emotions have not had such results. In the same study, subjects did not express a greater amusement to an amusement film nor greater anger to an anger film.[23] Similar findings were also supported in a study that involved rodent subjects that either were able or unable to produce epinephrine. Findings support the idea that epinephrine does have a role in facilitating the encoding of emotionally arousing events, contributing to higher levels of arousal due to fear.[24]

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Old 11-28-2013, 10:42 AM
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Butt, A**... whatever. He showed a bad side of himself and was an A**. lol. I am not the best at using sayings.

Amy55. ((Hug)) I read your post, and I had to reply today b/c I felt like I was reading my own writing. It gave me chills. I mean, how are these people SO similar in these abusive behaviors. I've experienced a day here or there of disappearing. Never a month for no reason... YET. I am SURE it will happen. It is progressing. We didn't see each other this time b/c we were in a standoff. He didn't want to talk about problems that happened in oct. and I didn't care to sweep it under a rug.

When we came together after a month though, it happened like you described. Expecting nothing to have changed. tears. manipulation. anger. blaming me. I think you will enjoy this part lol., b/c it had been 1 month, I assumed we were on our own for Thanksgiving plans. I bought a ticket home to see my parents. He came over two days before the holiday to finally talk to me about what has been going on between us. He saw the luggage: " Where are you going?" .. I am going home for Thanksgiving..? "You are?? Okkk... I didn't make plans. I was going to check with you first."

It wasn't worth saying but I was shocked at the insanity of it all. Why would you treat someone like this for a month? And then expect them to have waited to see what you were doing for Thanksgiving. . !! It actually makes me laugh when I think about it and sad.

My therapist said this stuff will mostly clear up once the brain damage reverses, but I don't know like you, I wonder how much is just a junk personality.

I am so grateful for your responses today. They gave me company. I woke up alone at my Mom's. Me and her. I was so angry this morning I realized. At him. My heart hurts today because we had made plans to do some family things this yr. Then, I am angry at me. For allowing it. I have no idea where he really went last night, he was out with his A best friend at a " concert ". And today, "spending the day alone." I know he lies about everything. I woke up thinking, I want to have a family and have a big thanksgiving day, with children, my husband, extended family. My birthday is next week and I am approaching my mid thirties. I feel sad and overwhelmed. A whole range of emotions today. I am mostly sad b/c I realize that this is truly getting worse. It is Thanksgiving. He is spending it alone where we live ... hungover. He is a shell of a person. I'm doing better though finally accepting and letting go of expectations and desire to make this right. And I love this saying : Energy flows where the attention goes. Is this where I want to soak all of my attention, without a doubt... it will suck the energy from my life. One day at a time. Happy Thanksgiving guys. (((Thanks.)))
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Old 11-28-2013, 11:04 AM
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Hi bird

I'm off to visit friends for Thanksgiving, but wanted to acknowledge your reply before I left.

I do have a lot of thoughts for you on this, since I lived through it for at least 17 years of my 27 year marriage.

I don't ever want to see anyone go through this. It is horrible.

Oh, but the holidays. My ex disappeared once for over a month. (I do mean exh, we lived together), he showed up Christmas Eve morning to go to with me to see my family. Was surprised that I was angry, after all he did come back.

My birthday, also in December. After a week or so of disappearing, came back to take me out for my birthday. I went. We came back home, he started a fight, and ran away again. Eh, I burned my journals, this could have been the same year !!!!!!!

I'll talk to you some more when I get back tomorrow.

Have a Happy Thanksgiving, enjoy yourself, and get him out of your head for at least today.

(((((((((((hugs))))))))))

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Old 11-29-2013, 02:21 PM
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Hi bird,

How was your Thanksgiving? I hope you had a good one. I had a great time. Was with my friends. Really traditional styled friends. They have all these great xmas decorations. They remember each one lovingly, and if someone gave them something like a tree ornament, they remember the time each time they hang that ornament on the tree. I'm still like bah humbug about christmas. One was questioning me about tradition for me. I told them I need a new one. I just wanted to be surrounded with people who actually like me, and don't run away from me.!!!!!!!! It's nice to be with these friends of mine, they actually gave me their house to live in so I could leave my ex, and they were his friends also.

In case you wonder how I made it for 27 years, I'll explain. I didn't really see it for a long time. When we got married, my father had just died, she was having trouble with the bills, so we lived with her. So he didn't act like that, but........... when I think back
I saw it beginning.

Started when we were dating. This may sound really stupid, but we went away for a weekend. I bought my 8 track player with me (yes, I'm that old !!!!!! lol), and brought some of my 8 tracks to play. Well I put on Abba, (don't know if you know them), and he walked out of the room, didn't return for 6 hours. I thought it was because of my choice of music !!!!!!!!!!!!! Came back after drinking, and acted like nothing happened, wanted to take me out to dinner.

Well anyway that was in the first 2 years of dating. There were a few other things like that, and I always tried to make everything right. After all it's a new relationship, you need to make adjustments and compromises, right ??????????

So now we are married, living with my mother, he was sort of OK, but not really. Just didn't want to fight about things, so I let things go, and he had to prove to my mom, what a perfect guy he is.

Things went really bad when we bought our own home. He didn't have to pretend to the world anymore.

So will try to make a long story short.

Through all of the years that I was with him, I found out that he had no empathy. None at all. Went to a psychologist with him who told me that your H was the emotional intelligence of a 7 year old, and that if my H was willing to put in a lot of hard work, that he might be able to increase that to a 13 yr old.

He really had no empathy, now I am not saying he was a psychopath, or sociopath, he just could not feel anything about how I felt, he was only able to feel his own feelings, but he would not express any of them.

He was also physically abusive, and that was the only time that he showed concern for me, but it wasn't really me that he was concerned about, it was how it would affect him.

The times with taking me place or being with me on my birthday or for Christmas, it was because he felt obligated to do this, so that other people would think well of him. He did it for him, not for me.

He did know how to socially act in an acceptable way. But it was all just an act. I am not saying of this to knock him or because I am upset about how I was treated, or vengeful (that left me awhile ago), I'm saying it, because at least in my marriage it was true.

I could not talk to him, I could never tell him how I felt, it was like I was attacking him if I said I was upset, and he had to attack back. There were a few times that he actually sat and listened, but there was no conversation except for me talking, and he would even thank me for being so nice about things, and then later attack me, because I never shut the h3ll up.

From what you have been writing, I see me right there. I spent about 17 years trying to figure out the right way to try to tell him why I was upset, how it hurt me, and what I needed to make things better. There is no way to do this. None.

Before you drive yourself crazy like I did, just ask me whatever questions you have. Can't guarantee I will have an answer, just know that I will know what you are talking about.

If you ever question your own sanity, just know, you sound a lot like me, and my therapist, my psychologist, my psychiatrist all said that I am sane !!!!!!!!, (lol) and so are you.

(((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
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Old 11-30-2013, 10:50 AM
  # 19 (permalink)  
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Hi Amy,

I will ask you if I do. I'd like to be able to b/c you seem to have gone through this already obviously and I learn from your posts that I am not crazy. such a great feeling and all useful in the process of recovery.

My birthday is next week, and I guess after being Ike turner on the phone sunday and scaring the daylights out of me with his hangover personality, he has decided to be nice in preparation for his " obligatory day" of acting humane! aka. my Birthday! yay!
You said:
"I could not talk to him, I could never tell him how I felt, it was like I was attacking him if I said I was upset, and he had to attack back. There were a few times that he actually sat and listened, but there was no conversation except for me talking, and he would even thank me for being so nice about things, and then later attack me, because I never shut the h3ll up. "

Been There!! I will say that I have over time , slowly and the hard way learned to accept the facts of this disease so I quit trying to fix topical things that will not stay fixed. like communication and working on normal couple things. I go back to that fairy tale land once in awhile and try to do that in hopes. But now they are not real hopes but a voice in the back of my head saying, you *know* that you are just trying to make this more manageable for the week, thats about it b/c this will not change your life or your relationship. That ship has sailed and this man is going to get worse and worse.

Recovery has definitely happened this year! Thank God! And it didn't come as fast as I had hoped.

You also said:
He really had no empathy, now I am not saying he was a psychopath, or sociopath, he just could not feel anything about how I felt, he was only able to feel his own feelings, but he would not express any of them.''

He always tells me he is sad that he cannot be "the man I wish he could be." That always peeved me b/c it makes it look like I have this big list that is unattainable. lol. My list is: Kindness, empathy, Compromise, trust, and no passing out. Remembering things. I think most people can meet that list.

These posts help, b/c they keep me moving forward in remembering that it is nothing else other than alcoholism and cannot be worked on or fixed, and I must keep pushing forward for myself here and not to focus on anything else.. no matter what..

My Thanksgiving turned out great. He tried to ruin it. Tried. My mom and I had a great time. And I am going home tomorrow to spend time w/ my girlfriend and her husband visiting, a healthy loving couple I should spend time with so I can see what I really am aiming for here. Thank you for your post! We are sane, empathetic, loving people with average expectations.
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Old 11-30-2013, 01:47 PM
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We are sane, empathetic, loving people with average expectations.



Yes, we are bird. We are not crazy. We just want to feel loved.

Their actions their words come no where close to this. At times it may seem that way, but I think it is mostly because we want them to. We want to believe.

I think you are doing really good right now, I also thought I was doing really good at times also.

When I had mentioned my birthday before, I did it for a reason. I did it because I knew your birthday was coming up !!!!!!!!!! Guess, wanted to prepare you. You saw it, and he did it.

If you decide to do your birthday with him, do it from as an observer. During dinner he may allow you to talk about how you feel, you get back home, he will be outta there as if his pants are on fire.

He might even come around after that to help you with some xmas shopping, after all isn't that a normal thing to do????? My experience with that is that he made me so miserable with the negativity, that I couldn't shop, had to do it without him, he would think that he did good, would want sex. (ugh)

Then I was the b!tch again, because didn't he just go shopping with me, even though he hates shopping, and he was just try to be the man that I want??????????? (uh-huh).

I know that you said you are over all this, just posting to help you with it. It's so easy to fall back right now. You are vulnerable, I know I was. I just wanted to feel loved.

Also, don't think that it is all alcohol doing this, it isn't.

I'm a sagi also. We love deeply.

((((((((((hugs))))))))))))
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