Anger after leaving.......
My emotional baggage
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Northern CA
Posts: 285
Anger after leaving.......
I am going through an angry phase. I am over two years out of the house but still deep in court crap. I have been through the relief of being gone from the situation and now that court is getting into the details of dividing our property, I am so mad. Yes, I have the kids and have them safe but the division of property is a separate issue. We both worked hard for what we had and I feel he is going to end up walking away with pretty much everything.....plus after really making no progress, he gets to try having the kids 3 hours a week unsupervised again. I am sure he will mess something up and get that taken away but really, how many chances are the courts going to give him? He looked like a dehydrated piece of beef jerky in court. Like he had been on a major binge and just sobered up the night before for court. Just because you put him in a suit does not make him respectable.......
I hate it because I am very aware I am feeling this way but cannot seem to control it. I feel mad at everyone, very short tempered. I have started exercising again to help deal with it but it really is not helping.
Is anyone else going through this? Your over the initial relief of escaping and now just mad at the injustice of the whole situation?
What have you done to get over it?
4MyBoys
I hate it because I am very aware I am feeling this way but cannot seem to control it. I feel mad at everyone, very short tempered. I have started exercising again to help deal with it but it really is not helping.
Is anyone else going through this? Your over the initial relief of escaping and now just mad at the injustice of the whole situation?
What have you done to get over it?
4MyBoys
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I don't have any experience with that but wanted to send you a big hug...that absolutely stinks.
This situation is out of your control, you are doing the best you can and that's it. You have validation to feel anger, just don't let it control who you are because then he really wins.
Good Luck and God Bless!
This situation is out of your control, you are doing the best you can and that's it. You have validation to feel anger, just don't let it control who you are because then he really wins.
Good Luck and God Bless!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Wish we could get together over a pot of tea. Because yes. I am going through the same thing. And fighting it.
is basically what I'm asking myself too. While I bang my head against the desk. I seriously, seriously think that there has to be a waking up in the legal system (and once I'm done with my personal fight, I will lobby legislatures wherever I happen to live to make this happen) to the fact that it is not in the best interest of children to be forced to live with actively abusing addicts. It is simply NOT.
And yet, that's how the law is written in most states. And judges and legislators claim "it is all FOR THE BEST OF THE CHILDREN."
I honestly believe that proven addiction to alcohol should be enough to stop you from unsupervised visitations with your children. AND I think children's wishes should be taken into account. Sending your kids crying to the other parent is a little taste of hell -- imagine what it's like for the children.
So yes, I'm angry. I'm angry that AXH is still fighting to get shared custody of children he has abused (in how many ways, I'm not sure). I'm angry that the courts are allowing him opportunity after opportunity after opportunity. I'm angry that the courts do not give a flying **** that the children say "I will run away" or "I will hurt him" when there's talk about them being forced to see him. I understand that judges only follow the law, that they don't make it -- and that the anger needs to be aimed at legislators.
And I'm angry at AXH for being an alcoholic. I know it makes zero sense but I am. I'm angry that he has abused his own children to the point where I am having to consider taking a second job to be able to pay for their therapy. I'm angry that he is still able to get to me and affect my well-being (which I have to work on, I know).
I don't care about the money. I'd be happy to forego all the child support he isn't paying anyway if he would just go away.
What I've done to get over it is… live. Live my life. Build a new life for the kids. Living well is the best revenge-style. I don't wish him ill. I just wish him gone.
but really, how many chances are the courts going to give him?
And yet, that's how the law is written in most states. And judges and legislators claim "it is all FOR THE BEST OF THE CHILDREN."
I honestly believe that proven addiction to alcohol should be enough to stop you from unsupervised visitations with your children. AND I think children's wishes should be taken into account. Sending your kids crying to the other parent is a little taste of hell -- imagine what it's like for the children.
So yes, I'm angry. I'm angry that AXH is still fighting to get shared custody of children he has abused (in how many ways, I'm not sure). I'm angry that the courts are allowing him opportunity after opportunity after opportunity. I'm angry that the courts do not give a flying **** that the children say "I will run away" or "I will hurt him" when there's talk about them being forced to see him. I understand that judges only follow the law, that they don't make it -- and that the anger needs to be aimed at legislators.
And I'm angry at AXH for being an alcoholic. I know it makes zero sense but I am. I'm angry that he has abused his own children to the point where I am having to consider taking a second job to be able to pay for their therapy. I'm angry that he is still able to get to me and affect my well-being (which I have to work on, I know).
I don't care about the money. I'd be happy to forego all the child support he isn't paying anyway if he would just go away.
What I've done to get over it is… live. Live my life. Build a new life for the kids. Living well is the best revenge-style. I don't wish him ill. I just wish him gone.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,038
I am in a similar situation and I look back at the first months after I got AH out of the family house as the good old days. Even though I was post traumatic from AH's violent behavior, I was so blissfully naive. I thought the lawyers would help me. I even thought AH would turn around, for the children.
Boy, was I in La-la land. Ha!
What is totally helping me now is coming to realize that the judges hardly care, they don't know much, AH is successful to the outside world which is how most people estimate others, no one talks to my children, the system is stupid and uncaring, and no one can help me but one person.
And that is me.
Be grateful you have your loving, smart, perservering self. The judges, the As. They have to live with themselves and so they aren't as lucky as us!
Boy, was I in La-la land. Ha!
What is totally helping me now is coming to realize that the judges hardly care, they don't know much, AH is successful to the outside world which is how most people estimate others, no one talks to my children, the system is stupid and uncaring, and no one can help me but one person.
And that is me.
Be grateful you have your loving, smart, perservering self. The judges, the As. They have to live with themselves and so they aren't as lucky as us!
My emotional baggage
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: Northern CA
Posts: 285
Phew Amy.
You sound just how I feel. Thought I was having a major setback or something. I guess this is natural then.
I would love to change legislature also. I work for the state and know the last person who was the legislator for our department. I was thinking of talking with him about what it would take to get some laws changed. My views about how dangerous alcohol can be have changed so dramatically in the last few years. It made me SICK last week in court when I heard the attorney for one side of the couple who was seen before me talking about having the "No alcohol" clause lifted from their custody orders. He said that it was crazy to keep it there because, really, who could go 10 full days without anything to drink??? The lawyer said it. Now if they had it in the order before it must have been for a reason. I felt like the judge looked at me when it was said because he really knows my case because I had been in front of him so many times. I wanted to get up and yell that the kids can go 10 days why not the parents??????
It is so hard because people who have never seen been in our position really don't have any idea how toxic it is and how long lasting the scars are to the children.
I wish I could sit down with you and have a latte or cold green tea. Maybe we could throw darts at our ex's photos to relieve some tension......
4MyBoys
You sound just how I feel. Thought I was having a major setback or something. I guess this is natural then.
I would love to change legislature also. I work for the state and know the last person who was the legislator for our department. I was thinking of talking with him about what it would take to get some laws changed. My views about how dangerous alcohol can be have changed so dramatically in the last few years. It made me SICK last week in court when I heard the attorney for one side of the couple who was seen before me talking about having the "No alcohol" clause lifted from their custody orders. He said that it was crazy to keep it there because, really, who could go 10 full days without anything to drink??? The lawyer said it. Now if they had it in the order before it must have been for a reason. I felt like the judge looked at me when it was said because he really knows my case because I had been in front of him so many times. I wanted to get up and yell that the kids can go 10 days why not the parents??????
It is so hard because people who have never seen been in our position really don't have any idea how toxic it is and how long lasting the scars are to the children.
I wish I could sit down with you and have a latte or cold green tea. Maybe we could throw darts at our ex's photos to relieve some tension......
4MyBoys
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
He said that it was crazy to keep it there because, really, who could go 10 full days without anything to drink???
Anyone who's not an alcoholic, that's who. I can't believe a lawyer would say that in court and not have the judge fall off his/her chair. Dear God.
(PS: I'll bring darts. And maybe bow and arrow?)
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 109
Oh yes, I'm definitely angry. There are times when I look around the table at the attorneys, and the Guardian ad Litem (whom I hired specifically to protect the children) and want to say, "So let's clarify: would any of YOU want your children spending all weekend with a late stage alcoholic??" My guess is that the answer would be no. But they are all so laid back about a guy who drinks himself into seizures having unsupervised care of a 3 year old, presumably because it's my children and not theirs.
The legal system really doesn't handle addiction well on any level, in any case. (And so many of the criminal cases involve addiction).
I too have wished that my exAH would just go away. Is there really any point to a child having a relationship with an addict? It's really just for the addict's benefit, not the child's. Except, I do appreciate that the children will grow up knowing exactly who their father is, and won't have an idealized version in their imagination. They are less likely to resent me later for removing them from some fantasy Dad, if they really know his true colors. It's protecting us all from the damaging effects of his behavior that is the hard part.
Lillamy and 4myboys, we should all have a pot of tea together! And Lillamy, if and when you lobby for some legislative changes in your state, please let us know about your progress. My children are just now starting to show signs that they don't want to go to Dad's house. I can't imagine how it would feel if they told me they didn't want to go and the court made them. That seems criminal.
You are both so strong and I agree that living well is always the best revenge/way to go forward. I try to savor my time with the children, because they do grow so quickly. I also try to give myself a break. I've been separated for a year at this point. Bailing out, repairing, and righting a sinking ship takes awhile. If we're above water, I call it a good day, as long as I still have my bearings set for a better future.
The legal system really doesn't handle addiction well on any level, in any case. (And so many of the criminal cases involve addiction).
I too have wished that my exAH would just go away. Is there really any point to a child having a relationship with an addict? It's really just for the addict's benefit, not the child's. Except, I do appreciate that the children will grow up knowing exactly who their father is, and won't have an idealized version in their imagination. They are less likely to resent me later for removing them from some fantasy Dad, if they really know his true colors. It's protecting us all from the damaging effects of his behavior that is the hard part.
Lillamy and 4myboys, we should all have a pot of tea together! And Lillamy, if and when you lobby for some legislative changes in your state, please let us know about your progress. My children are just now starting to show signs that they don't want to go to Dad's house. I can't imagine how it would feel if they told me they didn't want to go and the court made them. That seems criminal.
You are both so strong and I agree that living well is always the best revenge/way to go forward. I try to savor my time with the children, because they do grow so quickly. I also try to give myself a break. I've been separated for a year at this point. Bailing out, repairing, and righting a sinking ship takes awhile. If we're above water, I call it a good day, as long as I still have my bearings set for a better future.
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