glitterdeva

Hi everyone. I posted here before about my heroin addicted husband. After his relapse and all of the drama, we decided that he will do outpatient, do meetings, get a sponsor, continue with his job, take his suboxone and basically stay home. I didn't put alot of hopes, but you know, I was happy somewhat the crazyness is over. He seemed normal, going to meetings, getting temp sponsor. Then I get this feeling, like he is LYING. This nagging feeling that something is wrong, it just eats at you and eats at you and eats at you. I feel crazy, because I don't want to accuse him of something that he has not even done, you know?

Monday he goes to work early in the morning. Usually he is back by 8:30, but its 9:30 and he is not home. I call, he says he has to stop by here and there. The FEELING returns. I don't say anything. I drop him off at work on Tuesday and he leaves his phone. Yep, the feeling is back, I check his messages and the junkie heroin looser is writting him, basically like, hey, whats up, are you coming? Coming where? It's 7 freaking am in the morning.

I explode, start checking and find out that that one hour that he was gone on Monday, he went to DC. Yeah, I am sure to a museum or White House

I am crazy, I am accusing him of stuff he didnt do, he is clean, I am insane, he wants a divorce RIGHT NOW. He can't take this anymore.

Am I crazy? Because, honeslty, after all his lies and deception and relapses, I might have lost my mind completelly. I admit. Or is it him and I just don't see anythign anymore? Sorry for the negativity. I cried all night last night, all morning today. And, heck, what can I do, getting my separation agreement together

overit263

That's where my AXH relapsed, it's easy to score anywhere, but DC is especially easy. You have to trust your gut. A clean person that is serious about recovery goes to meetings, has a sponsor asap, doesn't make you question anything, volunteers to change his cell number so on and so forth. You don't usually feel suspicious unless there's something there that's making you feel that way.

anotherfool

My only thoughts here, are: It's takes a long time to rebuild trust once it's broken.

Also, trust your gut.

KeepinItReal

Trust your instincts. I'm so so sorry that he's choosing these drugs over you.

If he was in recovery he would understand your worry, not be upset and not accuse you.

You already know that you can look like your getting help.... but it can be an award winning show to protect the drug of choice. Especially heroin.

Lived it.

rcutch

My AH is a heroin addict as well. The best piece of advice I have taken away from here is that I NEED to listen to my gut. It has never lied to me, unlike my AH. Yes, I feel crazy all the time. I have been to the point of considering checking myself in somewhere because I can't handle the crazy - but then I pray and focus on what I do know and what I can control - ME!

I always feel like I need my AH to admit it so I can justify that I'm not crazy. That process makes me even more crazy. And boy, can they tell you how crazy you are. So you're AH asked for a divorce - that my friend is manipulation. He is well aware of the love you have for him and will use it against you. I hear it all the time. I wish just one time I had the strength to say sure and give him what he wanted.

Rest assured, you are NOT crazy, you are living WITH crazy. Focus on what you can change and start there. I have never been good at the detachment part - hopefully others will offer some advice. Stay strong and put all the focus on you. Stop searching for what you already know.

glitterdeva

thank you so much! that is EXACTLY how I feel. To the T. I got a draft of our separation agreement, haven't had guts to give it to him yet. I am envisioning it though, maybe its the start? And you are right, it is manipulation mixed with what I can only call sadism. He is just stubbing me and stubbing me and stubbing me and stubbing me. I want a divorce, I want to go to jail, there, I am walking through the door right now, because I am going to rob a store so that they can give me years and f it, etc, etc, etc. I know this for sure - I cannot be with him in the same house. It's crazy, but I don't just feel mentally ill with him, I am also having these physical symptoms - panic and anxiety attacks, sleep issues now my kidneys hurt, this guy is freaking killing me. Uggh…Sorry for complaining

glitterdeva

Award winning show, YES!!! On Sunday I notice that there are 2 withdraws from bank account - $41.27 and $40.00. He goes to Giant and withdraws $20 or $40 multiple times and then buys a gym or something small, so all of the charges always come to $41 something or $21 something. I already know. So I ask him about it. And here is the winning story - he has a friend at work who has a friend at work who's friend works at Walmart. This friend of a friend of a friend takes very expansive headphones from Walmart and just gives it to this friend. This friend then gives it to this other friend and my AH gets it for $40. And he brings me the headphones. Award winning show I am sure he steals them. So I ask him (because he brought these headphones before) - what are you going to do with these? Oh, I am going to sell them. And he never does.

Twofish

Good morning Glitter, Wow! Did Rcutch hit in on the head. So true. I feel or am made to feel crazy ever since I found out that my children were As. The manipulation and lying are Oscar award winning performances! They can nail the story so well. We all need a vacation from this nightmare, it just never let's up for any substantial amount of time. No breaks for the caregivers, the ones who love the addicts. Next time he threatens divorce, call his bluff! Ha! Next time he forgets his phone and you look at it, text the dealer back and tell him/her that your AH is not interested in any Heroin or any drugs they may be selling...bet that would stop that particular dealer from calling anytime soon. Good luck girl, stay strong, hit a Narconon or alanon meeting. Take care of yourself, eat something healthy, fluids, take a nap. Keep posting and reading. Support is here and it's excellent but face to face support is so much easier to get the tears to stop, plus it's someone who realizes what you're going thru. Support and hope and a silent prayer for your sanity are coming your way. Breathe. TF

glitterdeva

Thank you! I am going to a meeting tonight and will ask this lady that I really liked to be my sponsor. I did call his bluff, I prepared a separation agreement, all he has to do is notarize it. I think if I play my cards right, he will. I was even thinking about maybe offering him $ (not that I have a lot) to get out? Oh, and I did text that dealer back (couldn't help myself), I pretended to by my AH, so the dealer was all happy - yeah, pick me up from downtown, blah, blah, blah. My AH's excuse was - oh, I was just going to offer him a free membership at the gym (he is a personal trainer). Oh, yeah, a crack/heroin addicted loser is calling you at 7 am for a free membership. Yep, you got it This made me laugh

rcutch

My AH has played all the same games. I laugh, because we too have Giant, and he has done the same things. I now have my own bank account and am very careful to protect it. Again, the things I have done to try and stay sane others would call crazy.

My AH had a dealer whom insisted my AH was the "maintenance guy" for her apartment. That is what he did when he was clean and sober. I called her numerous times and asked her why she would need to talk/text her maint guy 20+ times and day and at 2am. I even went so far as to tell her that he has previously been a snitch (which is true) and would sell anyone out to save himself. And guess what, when she went away, another one came around. CRAZY - believing that we can stop them. Is anyone able to stop us for managing their every move?

I live in PA, my AH went to FL this week to visit his dying father. The family is returning today and they do not want to leave him there by himself, so he told me that he will go live on the street to stay there. I am torn between wanting to take care of him and praying that he decides to stay so that I don't have to watch him die.

Jend719

When you mentioned your physical symptoms I can totally relate. My ad is a heroin addict. The lies, manipulation etc takes a toll not only mentally but physically. I have an autoimmune disease and other health problems. Every time is trudge through the hurricane her addiction creates I get more ill afterwards. She just went to jail. I got through the drama and now I'm sick again. There is definitely a mind/body connection and stress wreaks havoc on the body. Trust your gut. Every time it thought something was "up" it was! Be strong! Keep posting everyone here is so supportive and understands.

hopeful4

You are not crazy! Our instincts are right so often. Please don't let your reality be morphed and turned around into being made to feel crazy. It's not your phone a dealer is texting. You are not the addict or the crazy one...remember that.

I hope you seek help for YOU in all of this!

Blessings!

KariSue

Trust your gut always.

I'm so sorry.

Kari

KeepinItReal

What a twisted world we are dragged into... when heroin is involved.

The lies, belief system, the rationalizations.. all sick and twisted and so far from okay. The more they use... the more stupid and idiotic the stories become.

I would pretend to believe him. I have actually called back the dealers too and said that i'm his wife and I have been sober and I would really appreciate it if you wouldn't sell to him anymore. Of course they deny they were selling anything and I continue to just tell them that he is a father and on the verge of being kicked out and going to jail again.

However, I know that calling their dealers is wrong. It doesn't help anything get better. It actually just makes things worse.

Good luck.

glitterdeva

I hate this twisted world. I got my separation agreement in my purse and now I feel guilty because he is going to lose his job. We have my car and his job is ways away. So I have been driving him back and forth for the past week when I found out that he was using. He is a big man and it is not my problem, right? Why do I feel so guilty?

glitterdeva

I hate this twisted world. I got my separation agreement in my purse and now I feel guilty because he is going to lose his job. We have my car and his job is ways away. So I have been driving him back and forth for the past week when I found out that he was using. He is a big man and it is not my problem, right? Why do I feel so guilty?

overit263

Stop the madness. It's up to you to break the cycle. I know it's hard, but once you gain your sanity back you'll wonder why you let it go on for so long. If he's not going to break the cycle and gain sobriety, you have to let go or be dragged!

KeepinItReal

Its not your responsibility to take care of a grown man who CHOOSES drugs.

KeepinItReal

I have been there. Helping. Making things work. Keeping the peace. Exploding. Crying. Feeling guilty. Keep doing, sacraficing. I did learn... its a cycle and I get nothing out of it but aggravation. We should not care more about them than they care about themselves. We must expect them to love and care for themselves. We cannot save them. They MUST do it themselves.

I have learned this from years in the cycle. I'm ready for positive change ... I demand it. With or without him.

glitterdeva

The thing that messes with me is - he is on suboxone, he has no money, I drive him around, so he is not using TODAY. I have a feeling that he is like a small kid feeling like everyone has turned against him, so his solution is GO TO JAIL. Yes, he said today that he knows that he will go to jail soon for a few years. He called me from his gym asking me to pick him up, BUT if I dont pick him up, its ok, he will sleep on the floor. I felt horrible, of course, so I went to pick him up and he was drunk. F, I feel so guilty, guilty, guilty. He is THROWING away his life. He has an amazing job (for a convict with multiple felonies) that he loves and where everyone loves him and he loves what he is doing it. He has an amazing family that loves him (me, my girls, his mom, his brother). He got AA/NA right there, across the street, with all of the support and care. He got LIFE and he is choosing WHAT? Go back to jail, to this horrible, horrible place that is empty and lonely and what is there, nothing but dead end. Am I just blind, stupid, idiot, what is that that I see and he doesn't? Is this what addiction does - makes you blind to this beautiful life?

When he leaves I am going to remodel my basement and rent it out (will help alot). I will enter into a bikini competition (I have been training for 2 years ). I will take vacation with my girls - something totally cool and fun. I will set my standards way high and shoot for promotion (something I was not able to get as my head is full of him). I will paint again (I have been stuck with my painting for 2 years - I have no motivation). I wish he was part of my beautiful life, but its not my choice