may i rant - guns, music and anxiety
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Join Date: Jun 2013
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may i rant - guns, music and anxiety
I'm just a mess with my anxiety today/this week and it will help to get it out here. I'm ashamed to post some of this because I don't want it to sound like complaining about my dear girlfriend. If anything, my anxiety must be my body and mind complaining about myself. I have not taken action yet. It's just confusion and sadness, occasional clarity.
For the first time in quite a while, I have spent about a week away from my girlfriend. Sorry to say it's not especially boundary related, we both are just working overtime. My therapist says we are heavily enmeshed, codependent, and 'attuned', and I know it's true. I wanted it to be true! otherwise I wouldn't be this way. I have not been the best with setting boundaries. That is my fault.
The silence is deafening right now, I guess. Lots of things that were said in the past are swirling around in my head.
A few weeks ago, my girlfriend was texting me and obviously drinking after an extra long work day (she texts totally differently, more verbosely, faster, happier). She told me she had a conversation with a neighbor (who i know) in her apartment building who said not to answer the door on halloween because only bad people come through. He said he has guns for self protection. She then mentioned in passing to me that she needs one herself. Quacking, but scary quacking.
During her last blackout (a month ago? two months ago?) she threatened to hit me, later explaining that she didn't know who I was at that moment and that someone tried to strangle her last year, so she was in fight or flight mode.
I think I'd be afraid to visit her at her place if she bought a gun. It is pretty much a hard line in my mind that I could not see her at her place anymore if I knew there was a gun there. She attempted suicide twice by cutting her wrists when she was in high school. Because of the threat to hit me, the quack about needing a gun held a very specific gravity that it might not have before that. She has a right to protect herself.
The second thing is we soon are going to see a concert together at a relatively large venue. She bought the tickets and has been giddy about it for months. I didn't think about it until the past few days, but the venue is a heavy emotional trigger for me. The only time I've been there was over a year and a half ago with my ex. The night was an utterly abusive fiasco and precipitated my breaking up with her. When I did, she poisoned herself by drinking a full bottle of whiskey in 3 mins (you'll have to trust me, she was most definitely not an alcoholic), then broke the bottle and tried to slit her wrists. When I wrestled the shards of glass from her hands, she picked one up and tried to stab me. I watched over her all night while she threw up on the floor, checked her vitals, should have called the cops but didn't because she would have lost her job in a sensitive national security position, and the next morning I ran for the hills to a better life, never to see her again.
I'm sorry I've typed so much. I feel stupid and weak at the moment. All I really wanted to say is I don't know what to do if my girlfriend gets carried away at the concert and drinks too much. There are so many what ifs that I shouldn't have to worry about. For all I know, she'll be fine. It's not in the safest part of town and we have to be up early the next day. It's the kind of event at which you need to stick together. I have regrettably not set a boundary about events like this. I wish I was looking forward to it like she has for months, but I just feel sick, and I don't feel like dealing with any drama. Of course I feel ridiculous conjecturing on drama that may not even happen. We might just stand there, hold hands, and listen to one of her favorite bands.
I have used this week to catch up on things I have let fall by the wayside, but this stuff and a million other things I'm remembering are swirling around. I'm trying not to take a sick day. thank you for letting me get this out.
For the first time in quite a while, I have spent about a week away from my girlfriend. Sorry to say it's not especially boundary related, we both are just working overtime. My therapist says we are heavily enmeshed, codependent, and 'attuned', and I know it's true. I wanted it to be true! otherwise I wouldn't be this way. I have not been the best with setting boundaries. That is my fault.
The silence is deafening right now, I guess. Lots of things that were said in the past are swirling around in my head.
A few weeks ago, my girlfriend was texting me and obviously drinking after an extra long work day (she texts totally differently, more verbosely, faster, happier). She told me she had a conversation with a neighbor (who i know) in her apartment building who said not to answer the door on halloween because only bad people come through. He said he has guns for self protection. She then mentioned in passing to me that she needs one herself. Quacking, but scary quacking.
During her last blackout (a month ago? two months ago?) she threatened to hit me, later explaining that she didn't know who I was at that moment and that someone tried to strangle her last year, so she was in fight or flight mode.
I think I'd be afraid to visit her at her place if she bought a gun. It is pretty much a hard line in my mind that I could not see her at her place anymore if I knew there was a gun there. She attempted suicide twice by cutting her wrists when she was in high school. Because of the threat to hit me, the quack about needing a gun held a very specific gravity that it might not have before that. She has a right to protect herself.
The second thing is we soon are going to see a concert together at a relatively large venue. She bought the tickets and has been giddy about it for months. I didn't think about it until the past few days, but the venue is a heavy emotional trigger for me. The only time I've been there was over a year and a half ago with my ex. The night was an utterly abusive fiasco and precipitated my breaking up with her. When I did, she poisoned herself by drinking a full bottle of whiskey in 3 mins (you'll have to trust me, she was most definitely not an alcoholic), then broke the bottle and tried to slit her wrists. When I wrestled the shards of glass from her hands, she picked one up and tried to stab me. I watched over her all night while she threw up on the floor, checked her vitals, should have called the cops but didn't because she would have lost her job in a sensitive national security position, and the next morning I ran for the hills to a better life, never to see her again.
I'm sorry I've typed so much. I feel stupid and weak at the moment. All I really wanted to say is I don't know what to do if my girlfriend gets carried away at the concert and drinks too much. There are so many what ifs that I shouldn't have to worry about. For all I know, she'll be fine. It's not in the safest part of town and we have to be up early the next day. It's the kind of event at which you need to stick together. I have regrettably not set a boundary about events like this. I wish I was looking forward to it like she has for months, but I just feel sick, and I don't feel like dealing with any drama. Of course I feel ridiculous conjecturing on drama that may not even happen. We might just stand there, hold hands, and listen to one of her favorite bands.
I have used this week to catch up on things I have let fall by the wayside, but this stuff and a million other things I'm remembering are swirling around. I'm trying not to take a sick day. thank you for letting me get this out.
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Join Date: May 2010
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I read once (and am trying to remember this myself) that 99% of what we worry about does not come true. Now, how anyone can measure that I have no idea but I know I certainly worry about future things that I have no control of (just read the boards today...ha)!
That being said, guns and addicts are a very scary mix. I encourage you to discourage that in any way possible. And if she does have one, I caution you, never ever be around her when she is drinking! You don't want her next fight or flight to be a bullet in your body!
What a terrible experience you have had. If you don't want to go could she possibly go with someone else?
Good Luck!
That being said, guns and addicts are a very scary mix. I encourage you to discourage that in any way possible. And if she does have one, I caution you, never ever be around her when she is drinking! You don't want her next fight or flight to be a bullet in your body!
What a terrible experience you have had. If you don't want to go could she possibly go with someone else?
Good Luck!
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Maybe it time you start asking yourself what is attracting you to this type of person?
Do you not believe you are worthy of a woman who has both feet firmly planted on the ground? All the batsh*t crazy you are subjecting yourself to would drive anybody over the rails.
The writing is clearly on the wall Blake, I am a firm believer if you go looking for trouble, you will eventually find it.
If she is blacking out, and is as unstable as you say, you have EVERY reason to be concerned for your own safety.
So my next question to you, is when is enough, enough? When she has you thrown in jail, for a fictitious incident that she imagined in a black out state? I know, if the cops respond to a domestic situation, 99% of the time, somebody is going to go to jail.
You are playing with fire here, proceed with caution...........
Do you not believe you are worthy of a woman who has both feet firmly planted on the ground? All the batsh*t crazy you are subjecting yourself to would drive anybody over the rails.
The writing is clearly on the wall Blake, I am a firm believer if you go looking for trouble, you will eventually find it.
If she is blacking out, and is as unstable as you say, you have EVERY reason to be concerned for your own safety.
So my next question to you, is when is enough, enough? When she has you thrown in jail, for a fictitious incident that she imagined in a black out state? I know, if the cops respond to a domestic situation, 99% of the time, somebody is going to go to jail.
You are playing with fire here, proceed with caution...........
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Join Date: Aug 2013
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Oh Blake, I am so sorry your feeling upset and anxious today. I also wanted to let you know I appreciated your reply on my thread. I can totally relate. Personally, I would not date an alcoholic who blacks out and owns a gun. NO WAY. I have had my own struggles with depression and would never own a gun myself either.
I know it's hard to let go, but you seem to be realizing how unhealthy this situation is for you. Keep at it and keep detaching. Your GF will only get help if she wants to. ry not to think about the past when you go to the concert. Enjoy the music and distract yourself if your thoughts travel to that traumatic event. When I start obsessing on negative thoughts I literally tell myself "STOP!" in my head. Sometimes it works.
Sending much love and healing your way. xo
I know it's hard to let go, but you seem to be realizing how unhealthy this situation is for you. Keep at it and keep detaching. Your GF will only get help if she wants to. ry not to think about the past when you go to the concert. Enjoy the music and distract yourself if your thoughts travel to that traumatic event. When I start obsessing on negative thoughts I literally tell myself "STOP!" in my head. Sometimes it works.
Sending much love and healing your way. xo
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Posts: 1,407
I personally wouldn't go to the concert venue. You have to take care of you, and stop worrying about what the other person will think. If that place is an emotional trigger for you....don't go there!!! If your GF loves you, she'll get it. But I'm willing to bet the A in her won't understand. It's not important that she understand, it's important that you don't get pushed into doing something when your gut is telling you otherwise.
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Thank you all so much for reading my long post. It really does help me slowly look at things differently. If the gun thing were to ever be brought up again, I'd have a lot to say about it to her to discourage it. Part of it seems to be that her mother makes her very nervous about living alone in an apartment. My girlfriend stays at her mom's house several days a week when I am not around or when I'm working. So her apartment occupies a weird 'outpost' status in my mind. I don't think she is even considering a gun honestly (never came up again), but it definitely was jarring to think about.
Thank you for your takes about the concert venue. I feel that this is a missed opportunity on my part by not being assertive about my needs 2 months ago when the tickets were bought and I learned the venue. I had to do reflection on it in the recent days to really realize what it meant to me, though. It has been a nonstop stream of "i can't wait to go with you!' texts from her the whole week. When some of my family were supposed to be in town during the weekend of the concert, my gf immediately offered to skip the concert, having just spent $100 on our 2 tickets. So i don't want to discount her ability to be compassionate.
Marie - Thank you. It's so hard to accept that this normally gentle, kind person could equal playing with fire.
Readerbaby - thanks a lot. I used the 'STOP' technique just like you said last night when I couldn't sleep. It was helpful and I got to sleep. Thank you for your time!
Thank you for your takes about the concert venue. I feel that this is a missed opportunity on my part by not being assertive about my needs 2 months ago when the tickets were bought and I learned the venue. I had to do reflection on it in the recent days to really realize what it meant to me, though. It has been a nonstop stream of "i can't wait to go with you!' texts from her the whole week. When some of my family were supposed to be in town during the weekend of the concert, my gf immediately offered to skip the concert, having just spent $100 on our 2 tickets. So i don't want to discount her ability to be compassionate.
Marie - Thank you. It's so hard to accept that this normally gentle, kind person could equal playing with fire.
Readerbaby - thanks a lot. I used the 'STOP' technique just like you said last night when I couldn't sleep. It was helpful and I got to sleep. Thank you for your time!
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The only time I've been there was over a year and a half ago with my ex.
and the next morning I ran for the hills to a better life, never to see her again.
blake, while you did remove yourself from the last abusive tormented relationship, you DO see that you simply changed deck chairs on the Titanic and replaced her with another abusive tormented relationship??? and now here you are, almost full circle going to the same venue with a "partner" that you FEAR on a lot of different fronts.
what do YOU get out of these kinds of relationships? with dangerously unhinged women?
if you don't want to go to the concert, DON'T GO. it's really REALLY ok to say NO. bad part of town, she might get drunk (meaning you babysit and take more abuse) and you have to be up early the next day.
and the next morning I ran for the hills to a better life, never to see her again.
blake, while you did remove yourself from the last abusive tormented relationship, you DO see that you simply changed deck chairs on the Titanic and replaced her with another abusive tormented relationship??? and now here you are, almost full circle going to the same venue with a "partner" that you FEAR on a lot of different fronts.
what do YOU get out of these kinds of relationships? with dangerously unhinged women?
if you don't want to go to the concert, DON'T GO. it's really REALLY ok to say NO. bad part of town, she might get drunk (meaning you babysit and take more abuse) and you have to be up early the next day.
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It's so hard to accept that this normally gentle, kind person could equal playing with fire.
With addicts, you get Jekyll AND Hyde. You can't call Jekyll "normal" and claim that Hyde is just a temporary insanity. They're both real.
I think this woman is dangerous for you with or without a gun. And herself. But the latter is not your problem. The first is.
Oh -- and let me add: It's OK to change your plans. It's OK to say no even if you first said yes. Will she be disappointed? Yes. I think the question is -- what's more important, that SHE isn't disappointed or that YOU aren't? Do you see that you really don't want to go to this concert and the only reason you're doing it is that you don't want HER to be disappointed. You're perfectly ready to put yourself into a triggering situation in order to avoid disappointing her. That, my friend, is codependency. I know because I've been there.
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Just so you know, its not legal for her to own a gun if she has a history of substance abuse. It may not stop her but it is a question on the form. Does she admit shes an alcoholic?
I would worry about my own safety if I was you. As the disease progresses the decisions get worse. Trust me, I have an AW...for now. Do whats right for you man and know she can do just as much damage with a hammer as a firearm if she blacks out again.
I would worry about my own safety if I was you. As the disease progresses the decisions get worse. Trust me, I have an AW...for now. Do whats right for you man and know she can do just as much damage with a hammer as a firearm if she blacks out again.
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All the batsh*t crazy you are subjecting yourself to would drive anybody over the rails.
The writing is clearly on the wall Blake, I am a firm believer if you go looking for trouble, you will eventually find it.
The writing is clearly on the wall Blake, I am a firm believer if you go looking for trouble, you will eventually find it.
I'm not doing that to myself anymore. If I were you, and I was dating someone who literally scared me and who literally made me sick with anxiety, I would not date them anymore.
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Just so you know, its not legal for her to own a gun if she has a history of substance abuse
I'm not a lawyer but as far as I know, federal law only bars substance abusers of illegal drugs from owning firearms. Beyond that, it depends what state you're in (geographically, not mentally).
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Oh my. I second what most everyone has said on here. Why play with fire unless you want to get burned? If I were in your shoes I would distance myself. A very far distance. And would certainly not go there if she had a gun.
I was just thinking of guns myself this afternoon. My AH wants to buy a gun. He even had a valid firearm owners ID card. I put my foot down with an enormous clunk on that hare brained idea. When my AH is off on his sprees and drinking and drugging he gets ultra paranoid. I start finding knives, screwdrivers, cudgels, stuck in odd places like in the couch cushions and in our bed. All places where some unsuspecting person can sit on them. Or my kids, who like to bounce on the couch could stab themselves by accident. I can just see finding a loaded handgun in my couch cushions. Or one of the kids. One of whom likes to play with things he really shouldn't and would certainly unintentionally fatally wound me or his sister.
Weapons of any type don't mix with people who have altered their reality with alcohol. Or drugs. Ask yourself why you are finding these women attractive. I am trying to figure that out myself. With men. I dated a leech of an alcoholic before meeting and marrying my AH. It is on me at that point for making that ill advised choice.
Good luck. My thoughts are with you. This is tough.
I was just thinking of guns myself this afternoon. My AH wants to buy a gun. He even had a valid firearm owners ID card. I put my foot down with an enormous clunk on that hare brained idea. When my AH is off on his sprees and drinking and drugging he gets ultra paranoid. I start finding knives, screwdrivers, cudgels, stuck in odd places like in the couch cushions and in our bed. All places where some unsuspecting person can sit on them. Or my kids, who like to bounce on the couch could stab themselves by accident. I can just see finding a loaded handgun in my couch cushions. Or one of the kids. One of whom likes to play with things he really shouldn't and would certainly unintentionally fatally wound me or his sister.
Weapons of any type don't mix with people who have altered their reality with alcohol. Or drugs. Ask yourself why you are finding these women attractive. I am trying to figure that out myself. With men. I dated a leech of an alcoholic before meeting and marrying my AH. It is on me at that point for making that ill advised choice.
Good luck. My thoughts are with you. This is tough.
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Originally Posted by lillamy 
.
I'm not a lawyer but as far as I know, federal law only bars substance abusers of illegal drugs from owning firearms. Beyond that, it depends what state you're in (geographically, not mentally).
I'm not a lawyer but as far as I know, federal law only bars substance abusers of illegal drugs from owning firearms. Beyond that, it depends what state you're in (geographically, not mentally).
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