SomewhereElse

So AH tossed out a suggestion last night. I told him that I feel myself detaching and I just feel disconnected. He wants us to continue to try to work it out, and I said I didn't know how long I could really do that. But with the money situation, it is kind of impossible for him to move out.
So he said if it came to that, he could move downstairs to the basement. I guess it would be like a roommate situation. I still love him and consider him a friend. We still talk and watch TV together, but I think the roommate situation might be better for me, and for the kids. This way I can see if that's what I really want...to actually be out of the marriage eventually. And he said that when spring comes, he could move out to our lakehouse (it's a seasonal place, but we usually spend a good part of the summer there, and it's only 20 min away). Then I would be finishing up with school and be able to start looking for a job. I know he doesn't want it to go that way, but it sounds like a feasible option.

ResignedToWait

Lake House?

Does he need a roommate? =)

hopeful4

Question for you (as I too have thought about this but don't see how it can work). For me, when my AH drinks it affects me and how I interact with everyone around me, so I don't want it in my home. Not from a roommate, my AH or anyone else. So even though he will just be downstairs as a roommate...won't it have the same effects on you? Just curious on the dynamics of how people plan this or have or have not made this work in the past.

Hugs and Good Luck!

dandylion

SomewhereeElse, my first reaction is that, if you can tolerate this for the relatively short time, it sounds better than it is now.

I think the main thing is for the two of you come to agreement on the basic boundaries or "rules of the house" as well as some time limits. I am quite sure that adjustments in expectations will have to be made.

Good luck.

dandylion

SparkleKitty

Piggybacking on what Dandylion said, I only want to add that it's important that everyone agrees and remembers that the arrangement is serving a specific purpose...things sometimes have a way of getting "comfortable," and this situation clearly wants to be temporary. Good luck to you.

SomewhereElse

Hopeful4, his drinking is an issue for me, but not the MAIN issue. The main issue is the infidelity. When I see him drunk, it seems to make me more mad about the infidelity (I don't know why, but whatever). I will just have to set a boundary and tell him that I don't want to be around him if he's going to be drunk. He can drink downstairs alone. I think it will make it easier to deal with those times that he IS drunk if I know that I won't have to deal with him pawing at me, smell his breath, or have him snoring like a chainsaw in my ear at night.
Ever since I told him that I don't see how I can ever get over the infidelity, that it's making me sick and that I probably can't continue with the relationship, I haven't seen him with a beer. That doesn't mean he's not drinking, but I haven't noticed intoxication. He is trying to prove that he can better himself so that I will stay, even though I told him there really isn't anything he can do...it's about the broken trust. Still, if he's not doing to drink (or not as much anyway), I will take it.

SomewhereElse

dandylion and sparklekitty, I definitely have to stick to my guns, be clear and set boundaries. I know he's trying his hardest to save this, and even though I am telling him how I feel, I don't think he really grasps the idea that I feel done. I may have to make that a little more clear.

dandylion

Was he drinking when he was unfaithful?

dandylion

SomewhereElse

Yes. He, but it was more drugs than drinking. He went over someone's house that he didn't know that well, had a couple of beers and smoked something that he *thought* was weed, but was actually something else that made him black out. The people in the house said he didn't look so good and told him to "go into the bedroom and my friend will take care of you."

That's the story that I got anyway. He says he didn't know if anything even happened and doesn't remember anything else. But I got an STD, so obviously it did happen. He didn't tell me about it until I tested positive...and the infidelity took place 8 months prior. He told me that he would have never told me if I wouldn't have gotten an STD. Therefore, the trust is just broken beyond repair.

dandylion

SomewhereElse, You said you didn't understand why him drinking made you even more upset about the infidelity---perhaps because the drinking (and drugging) go together in your mind--because they happened together. That's logical, isn't it??

dandylion

***I do agree that--however it happened--the trust has been run off into the ditch.
You cannot have a relationship without trust. One can not ever feel "safe" without basic trust.

SomewhereElse

It's totally logical...I didn't even realize it until you asked the question. Thank you.

At this point, it doesn't matter if his story is the truth or not. It doesn't matter if he promises it will never happen again. The trust is broken. He keeps begging me to wait and keep trying, but I am done. Irreparable damage