Booo

So here's a odd question, I have just downloaded Codependant no More and am getting ready to delve into that. If you are asked. BY your A partner what you are doing or wht you are reading, do you fess up to these boards? They are easily searchable by google and topic...it's how I found you, with my breathalyzer question...he may have done the same and could be reading this without my knowledge.

Hmmm..the 20th has come and almost gone, so the two nights he was supposed to go to a Meeting have come and gone. There has been no drinking that I can detect...although he seems a bit off tonight. it's funny how I can sit here on the ipad three feet from him on the couch, reading this board the last three nights, and he never asks what I am doing as he has the TV on. Good god, he's more detached Than I am. I should learn something from him.

I also have not asked (outside of last night when I was stuck in traffic driving home and it just popped out "oh are you going to a meeting tonight?) what his plans are. You all have made me realize that actions speak louder than words, words are nice. Actions really do speak.

But really, do your partners know or are you open with your reading and research on how to deal with yourself?

endlesspatience

Leaving the point of total anonymity aside for a moment, last time you posted that your AH doesn't like AA and wants you to get him to stay clean. So far as I can see, you're doing that by encouraging him to take responsibility for things and go to an AA meeting, which he clearly hasn't done yet. Quite how else are you going to enable another person to stay clean unless you get them thrown in jail? He's sitting there watching TV - he's not busy. He can get himself to a meeting if recovery is on his mind. Right now it sounds like he's doing absolutely nothing to help himself and putting the onus on you to sort him out.

That's put you in a completely impossible position. If by some remote chance he reads this reply to your post, I hope it brings some clarity.

Please keep reaching out for support.

Booo

In my own defense here, I was stuck in traffic, and it literally popped out of my mouth, and not in any sort of demanding or accusing way..it was more along the lines of, "are you going to the store?" Had I been drilling on purpose I would have fessed up here to that as I have to the rest of my behavior. So I sort of dont inderstsnd your answer. I am doing my thing. And for two seconds over the last 48 hours, i slipped. I asked a question that I would take back in a heartbeat, THAT heartbeat if I could. But I can't.
What I am wondering is you are reading a book on Codependency and your partner asks..do you answer truthfully?

thislonelygirl

I think its a very sad thing when your walking on egg shells at home and ONLINE. VERY SAD indeed. My ah knows im on here. He has seen it and i told him what it is about. I am not ashamed nor do i feel like i should hide it. I am on here because HIS drinking impacts me whether he likes it or not. He doesn't However know what i write or anything else nor does he care enough to look or at least trusts me enough not too

thislonelygirl

for a short answer to your question. If you feel like you are in danger. No do not say anything. However i did because I am seeking recovery not Cheating on my partner and His drinking is very real.....i shouldn't feel ashamed for getting help or because of "his"problem. it's entirely up to you though. good luck

FeelingGreat

Boo if your think your AH would come on here looking to see what you wrote about I wouldn't say a word. As for reading matter, I guess if you're reading the book in front of him there would be no harm in saying you're trying to find a healthier way of relating to him and others (which is true).
BTW I didn't read endlesspatience's post as being critical of you. Possibly you misinterpreted his/her intentions?

Booo

Thanks all! He is the opposite of violent, the opposite of confrontational, the opposite of abusive. .Since the subject of the breathalyzer came to this forum, chances are he may have found it here too, the same way. I am not afraid. It's not a big deal to me that he knows or if he knows.
When I was with my XRAH he was working a program (and successfully to this day as far as I know, but it was too lat for the marraige ) so we talked about both programs alot.
My current AH is not working a program, so I was not sure that flaunting an alanon meeting or book in his face could be seen and a form of trying to minipuate. I am done with that. truly. In just am not far enough in the book to know if he asks..should i come right out and say " why yes dear, this is Codependent no more" ! Not just say "something to help me".
Is that clear? I may have been cloudy in my first post.

Booo

Thanks feeling great, I just really did not understand the answer..jail time etc, and truly welcome his input.

Lyssy

My attitude is - His recovery is his business. My recovery is my business.

I am supportive of his recovery to a point. I refuse to let AA (i.e. his drinking or not) rule every aspect of my life. His drinking did for 18 years (or more) and I feel that part of my boundaries are limiting my involvement with how he lives his life and manages his recovery (or not). On the reverse - it is none of his business how I recover from his drinking and abuse - at least for now. Another part of it (I believe) is I still don't trust him. Don't trust his recovery, don't trust him with my emotions, don't trust him not to be emotionally/verbally abusive. I may never. BUT I can learn to trust myself and save myself and that is what I am focusing on now. If we come back together as a "married" couple is yet to be seen. I still have a lot of work to do. So does he.

Edit to clarify.
I will not, nor do I lie about anything he asks.

Florence

I try not to live in a way where I have to lie and obscure things, especially not things that are legal, safe, sane, and healthy for me. If I find myself thinking I need to triangulate information to keep something from someone, that's a red flag that things aren't right and I do what I can to examine and purge this situation from my life.

This is a great example of boundaries in action. You're not reading this book AT him, so if he has a problem with you reading a book (ugh) it's his business and his issue to deal with.

***

I'm brought to mind of a situation with my STBXAH that happened when he was sober and I was trying to figure out why his sobriety didn't cure all our problems (ha). We were sitting next to each other reading -- him a book, me on the internet -- and after WEEKS of doing this without him taking an interest in the slightest at what I was doing, suddenly turned over and said, "What are you reading?" I was googling "coping in a sexless marriage."

He was like, "Oh."

I was like, "Well?"

True to form, he never mentioned it again and it never got resolved. It was not that funny at the time, but I think it's hilarious today. Oops!

choublak

I'm a little confused as to why this is an issue?

JustAGirl1971

My husband actually did ask me that when I was reading Codependent No More & working through some of the exercises. I answered him honestly. He also knows I read Perfect Daughters and Silent Sons (books about ACOA.) He even skimmed Silent Sons. We've also discussed Al-Anon & Celebrate Recovery. He knows that I identify myself as a codependent. He thinks I'm fixated. I don't really care, I'm just working on me.

He doesn't know about SR though. I have no plans to tell him but I also won't lie if he finds out and asks me.

FireSprite

Yes, I do. I wish RAH would turn to SR at times, if for nothing more than to read & educate himself. I'm not worried that he would de-code my screen name necessarily, but even if he did I'm not concerned about anything I have ever shared here. Recovery is an open topic of conversation in our house. Other reading materials like books, magazine articles, etc are left all over the house just like I would leave my the fiction book I am reading beside my nightstand. We talk about his meetings sometimes - the speakers, topics, whatever. If he were violent or I had other reasons to fear for my safety I wouldn't be as open, but that is not the case in our relationship.

hopeful4

Yup. I have told my AH about the forum and long ago gave him the name and link to it in hopes he could come and find him support also.

He has no interest in what I say or do here. I guess he could figure it out if he tried but eh....I don't even care. Everything I say is pure truth...sometimes the truth hurts. I have to have support for me and have told him that. If I did not have SR I would lose my mind!!!

Thanks!

Hammer

Yeah, I figure that Mrs. Hammer, her Sponsor, or her T may look in from time-to-time. I see some boundary issues with all of them, but not my problem.

Dunno, dontcare.

Like you say, just the truth. Might find something helpful in that.

Funny one was more about our local (1/4 mile from the house) AA/Alanon Group. Some of the half-and-halfer's (my under my breath term for the less-than-devout) or "double-winners" as they call themselves would run back to the AA side of the house to tell Mrs. Hammer what I would say in Alanon.

Did not really matter to me, I do several different groups, and do not worry too much about any of it.

While that is omigod blatant over-the-top violation of the entire Anonymous concepts, I sort of figured that God is not mocked, this is a God sort of program, and He can handle His end of the business His way.

Suffice it to say -- He does and has.

Booo

Choublak asked why this is an issue. It's not an issue, it's a question. I am a reborn newbie with lots of them.
And Florence. I. Am. Dying. Laughing.
The rest of you, thanks for your input.

choublak

Oh, okay. I guess I just didn't understand the question. I don't understand why "fessing up" is an issue.

readerbaby71

Wow, that is really, really immature and offensive. Now I can see why you have a lot of resentment toward "double winners".

Recovering2

My opinion may be a little different. You're very early in this, and your AH is not in recovery at all. He may not "get it" yet. If he wants to find SR, he can get online like you did.

I don't ask my BF what he's doing, I stay on my side of the street. Likewise, I wouldn't invite him to my Alanon meeting or tell him about what I'm doing on line. I'm doing these things for me and don't feel the need to share. He can figure out his recovery. I don't hide the books I read (I have several) but if asked I just tell them they're AlAnon reading materials. I don't go into it anymore than that.

Booo

Typing on the tablet, I can be more brief that I like. And i thought that the subject line was sort of catchy---
So i'll add just a teeeenie bit-- What I don't want to do is flaunt anything, as in "you know i downloaded this book today so I can learn to detach from YOU"

as to me, that sounds like a minimpulative thing to say to someone who is not in a program.

I think i mentioned my XRAH did work a program and so did I, so we did talk about it quite a bit, but that was well over 10 years ago.

My A(might as well be)H is not working anything, so I did not know what the right course of action is. I don't want to run around hiding books and closing webpages, as that feels sneaky, so I was not sure what people in a situation like mine do. I think that Florence summed it up. thanks for your replies!