All about me
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All about me
Someone at Alanon was sharing recently about when her RA was drinking he would be mean with their kids in roundabout ways. The example she gave was when her kid came home with a good grade in English her AH would say "yeah but lets wait for the maths"
My AF used to do this to me. I always got great grades but if I got 98/100 his first question would be "what were the two you got wrong?"
I've been doing lots of thinking recently (AlAnon makes you do that) I'm wondering if there might be some truth in the suggestion I need constant validation.
Anvilhead was first to make me think it in this response to another post of mine(thank you Anvil) But someone at AlAnon said recently "you have let yourself become as obsessed with him as he is with his beer"
A couple of years before I met my A I came out of an emotionally abuse 18 year marriage. I spent much of that trying to make him be nice to me.
Even a year after that when I thought I was emotionally healthy I still made choices (for example various volunteering activities) that got me praise and validation.
The whole time I studied I waited to fail and ended up with two first class degrees. I took way too many driving lessons because I "had to" pass the test first time. I did.
I have a fantastic job but even there I worry lots about failing and often seek reassurance (praise?)
I know there is something in this. It feels like a lightbulb. I just don't know what it is or what to do with it.
Any suggestions?
My AF used to do this to me. I always got great grades but if I got 98/100 his first question would be "what were the two you got wrong?"
I've been doing lots of thinking recently (AlAnon makes you do that) I'm wondering if there might be some truth in the suggestion I need constant validation.
Anvilhead was first to make me think it in this response to another post of mine(thank you Anvil)
as you said, for 3 years, no matter what, you HEARD "I Love You" - now mind you, parrots can be trained to say that. they are after all, just WORDS. but somewhere along the way you convinced yourself that was enough, even when ACTIONS spoke to the contrary. you have over time, become DEPENDENT upon his continued reassurance that you are loved. and as long as you felt that, you felt you had control.
A couple of years before I met my A I came out of an emotionally abuse 18 year marriage. I spent much of that trying to make him be nice to me.
Even a year after that when I thought I was emotionally healthy I still made choices (for example various volunteering activities) that got me praise and validation.
The whole time I studied I waited to fail and ended up with two first class degrees. I took way too many driving lessons because I "had to" pass the test first time. I did.
I have a fantastic job but even there I worry lots about failing and often seek reassurance (praise?)
I know there is something in this. It feels like a lightbulb. I just don't know what it is or what to do with it.
Any suggestions?
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
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I don't think you need constant validation. I do think many A's are harsh and critical and find the one thing to be negative about in the positive (the 98/100 is great bit your AF would be critical?!). I lived w that w my xAH for many yrs. Don't question yourself for being upset by that. You deserve to be.
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Location: Chicago
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As an ACoA myself, I identify strongly with that fear of failure...despite there being nothing to support it, and despite the fact the failure is just an opportunity for growth. I am not sure what your lightbulb is, but I think it is good that you are recognizing patterns of behavior in yourself...especially since it's a sign that your focus is shifting to YOU and away from your AH. 
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Have you read Perfect Daughters by Robert Ackerman? Ds's counselor recommended that I read it. My parents were not highly critical or abusive and compared to most of the ACOAs that post here, I had a decent childhood even with a father who spent a fair amount of my childhood drunk. Even so, I identify with a lot of the common characteristics of an ACOA, especially the need for approval and attention, something that was lacking in my home as Dad was almost always at work or drinking and Mom was so worn out from working, focusing on Dad's drinking/working too much, and taking care of everything else that she had no time for me. I also have a major fear of failure. I think that's part of the reason we stay in bad relationships too long.
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Originally Posted by JustAGirl1971 
Have you read Perfect Daughters by Robert Ackerman? Ds's counselor recommended that I read it. My parents were not highly critical or abusive and compared to most of the ACOAs that post here, I had a decent childhood even with a father who spent a fair amount of my childhood drunk. Even so, I identify with a lot of the common characteristics of an ACOA, especially the need for approval and attention, something that was lacking in my home as Dad was almost always at work or drinking and Mom was so worn out from working, focusing on Dad's drinking/working too much, and taking care of everything else that she had no time for me. I also have a major fear of failure. I think that's part of the reason we stay in bad relationships too long.
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I need to thank you for you thread today, it was a light bulb moment for me also. I have already been dealing with my need to be a perfectionist. I knew where all of that came from.
I was my dads favorite. He more or less ignored my other 2 sisters, but I heard about it from them. My mom had tried to compensate to my 2 sisters. I was always seeking her love, her validation. My dad is the one who abused me. Always put me down, I was never good enough. He left my sisters alone. My younger sister just told me a couple of years ago, that she saw all of this, and was glad that I was his favorite, and not her. I never came home with anything less then A's on my report card. It wasn't good enough, my older sister had all A+'s. My sister skipped senior year in high school and got a full scholarship to college, could have finished college in 3 years, had to listen to how stupid I was.
I killed myself trying to be a perfectionist. Guess I just wanted to be noticed for me, to be loved for the person that I was.
Got into a 27 year abusive relationship. Not my first marriage, that one only lasted 1 year. Still tried to prove myself over and over and over. Wanted to hear that I was good enough, while he tore my down everyday. Just wanted approval, instead I heard what a failure I was, that this was my second marriage (relationship) and its not working because of me. Guess that is why I stayed so long. Just trying to fix things.
So, I finally had to leave that marriage. I was totally destroyed, but yet I am still that little perfectionist. I move in with my friends. They had 2 houses then, so I was alone for the workweek, and they came up for the weekend. I painted their entire house for them, inside and out, even painted the concrete floors in the basement, and the concrete wall. Their son has autism, and he thought I was the greatest, that I could not do anything wrong. He had a meltdown one day, because due to his autism he cannot handle making a mistake.
I saw that, and I thought about me being a perfectionist. I started asking him to help me with things so they he could get some confidence. Well one day, I made a huge mistake doing something. He didn't notice it, because he thought I was perfect. So I told him what I did wrong, and how silly that was of me, and we just laughed. Normally I would have hid all of this, and went back later to fix it, so that no one could see that I messed up. I think we both needed it that day. We laughed and laughed, and then we discussed how to fix it. I told him that day that we all make mistakes, we all mess up, no one is perfect. So we fixed the mistake. Didn't turn out perfect, but now this child with autism can now say that Amy makes mistakes and it's no big deal, we'll just fix it if we can.
It took that for me to see that I didn't need validation, I didn't need to be perfect, I didn't need to be anyone but me.
So I was doing ok with all of this, and actually liked myself better, but there were some things that were still nagging at me.
Things that are tmi for here, so lets just say a physical sexual flaw. After reading your post today, it made me think about this. I thought, why can't I just apply the above experience that I had to this problem also. I don't have to be perfect, I'm ok just being me. I don't need anyone else's approval, as long as I have my own approval.
I was my dads favorite. He more or less ignored my other 2 sisters, but I heard about it from them. My mom had tried to compensate to my 2 sisters. I was always seeking her love, her validation. My dad is the one who abused me. Always put me down, I was never good enough. He left my sisters alone. My younger sister just told me a couple of years ago, that she saw all of this, and was glad that I was his favorite, and not her. I never came home with anything less then A's on my report card. It wasn't good enough, my older sister had all A+'s. My sister skipped senior year in high school and got a full scholarship to college, could have finished college in 3 years, had to listen to how stupid I was.
I killed myself trying to be a perfectionist. Guess I just wanted to be noticed for me, to be loved for the person that I was.
Got into a 27 year abusive relationship. Not my first marriage, that one only lasted 1 year. Still tried to prove myself over and over and over. Wanted to hear that I was good enough, while he tore my down everyday. Just wanted approval, instead I heard what a failure I was, that this was my second marriage (relationship) and its not working because of me. Guess that is why I stayed so long. Just trying to fix things.
So, I finally had to leave that marriage. I was totally destroyed, but yet I am still that little perfectionist. I move in with my friends. They had 2 houses then, so I was alone for the workweek, and they came up for the weekend. I painted their entire house for them, inside and out, even painted the concrete floors in the basement, and the concrete wall. Their son has autism, and he thought I was the greatest, that I could not do anything wrong. He had a meltdown one day, because due to his autism he cannot handle making a mistake.
I saw that, and I thought about me being a perfectionist. I started asking him to help me with things so they he could get some confidence. Well one day, I made a huge mistake doing something. He didn't notice it, because he thought I was perfect. So I told him what I did wrong, and how silly that was of me, and we just laughed. Normally I would have hid all of this, and went back later to fix it, so that no one could see that I messed up. I think we both needed it that day. We laughed and laughed, and then we discussed how to fix it. I told him that day that we all make mistakes, we all mess up, no one is perfect. So we fixed the mistake. Didn't turn out perfect, but now this child with autism can now say that Amy makes mistakes and it's no big deal, we'll just fix it if we can.
It took that for me to see that I didn't need validation, I didn't need to be perfect, I didn't need to be anyone but me.
So I was doing ok with all of this, and actually liked myself better, but there were some things that were still nagging at me.
Things that are tmi for here, so lets just say a physical sexual flaw. After reading your post today, it made me think about this. I thought, why can't I just apply the above experience that I had to this problem also. I don't have to be perfect, I'm ok just being me. I don't need anyone else's approval, as long as I have my own approval.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
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Originally Posted by jessicajoe
Someone at Alanon was sharing recently about when her RA was drinking he would be mean with their kids in roundabout ways. The example she gave was when her kid came home with a good grade in English her AH would say "yeah but lets wait for the maths"
My AF used to do this to me. I always got great grades but if I got 98/100 his first question would be "what were the two you got wrong?"
My AF used to do this to me. I always got great grades but if I got 98/100 his first question would be "what were the two you got wrong?"
Ten years ago or so, when I was dealing with childhood abuse issues, I remember, as part of my work around that, writing a letter about trying so hard to be perfect, "wanting angels to come down from heaven singing and put a wreath of flowers on my head b/c I had finally, FINALLY been 'good enough'!" And that was indeed a revelation for me--I had worked so hard to be perfect, then given up in disgust in high school and become a major underachiever, going from grades good enough for honor roll in school to flunking virtually all my classes, getting involved in drugs and alcohol on my own. My family saw me as a "bad influence" on my siblings--I wasn't even allowed to donate blood for a younger sister's surgery, as they were sure I had some sort of disease (and this was when I was in my 40s!). (Yeah, that's true--I couldn't make it up....) It all stemmed from that feeling of never doing well enough or being good enough.
That desire to be "the best" (but not in a healthy, striving-for-improvement sort of way) hung with me for YEARS, leading to nothing but more frustration, anger and bitterness. Only recently have I finally realized that I can just BE. I have abilities and strengths that others may not have, and I have failings and weaknesses that are all my own too. And IT'S ALL OK. All I have to do is the best I can, and that is going to vary day to day and moment to moment.
In return, I need to accept that other people also have their strengths and weaknesses, and that THEIR "best" will vary. AND that it has nothing to do with ME. I feel so much lighter when I'm able to keep all this in mind and act accordingly.
This became quite a ramble, and touched on some things I haven't thought about in a long time. Thank you for the opportunity to reach back, and I hope there's something in there that is of use to you. JJ, I see you really working and thinking here, and I know that you have the brains and strength to get wherever you want to be. Hang in.
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My AF used to do this to me. I always got great grades but if I got 98/100 his first question would be "what were the two you got wrong?"
YES! Lightbulb moment.
That's why I'm such a "people pleaser". Still looking for that validation I never got from him. But I'm realizing that some people always find fault. It's what they do- usually to take the focus off their own shortcomings- e.g., alcoholism. Because if they're nitpicking at everyone else, no one can criticize them.
YES! Lightbulb moment.
That's why I'm such a "people pleaser". Still looking for that validation I never got from him. But I'm realizing that some people always find fault. It's what they do- usually to take the focus off their own shortcomings- e.g., alcoholism. Because if they're nitpicking at everyone else, no one can criticize them.
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