I've been depressed since i was 5 years old.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Vermont
Posts: 67
I've been depressed since i was 5 years old.
My parents knew about my anxiety and depression as a young child and never did anything about it. and here i thought i was the only one who knew...
It's just hitting me now. The implications of when dad said they knew I was depressed and anxious and did nothing about it. They didn't talk to the school, or my doctor. Or even me. They didn't let me know that they knew. They never talked to me about it.
I've been suffering all this time. And I felt I was alone. But they knew? I feel so betrayed.
I looked up "depression symptoms in children".
Now, I know that mom and dad didn't know all of my symptoms. But I was very obviously a child with anger issues. I would beat up myself, and my sister. Especially when i was emotionally hurt or overwhelmed with something. I was constantly making myself sick because i was so nervous in certain situations, mostly at school. I would also become very nervous and sick when it came to large groups or new surroundings.
It got worse with school. New place, new social interactions, new authorities to deal with.
I feel like... even just my parents letting me know that they knew so much sooner would have greatly helped. But I thought i was alone. I thought that they didn't know and they wouldn't understand. I feel like my thoughts that i was abused are valid. Because of their neglect to help me with my anxiety and depression at such a young age. And that has followed me into adulthood.
I don't know what else to say, other than i feel betrayed and i dont want to talk to them for a while. I feel lost. I feel angry. I feel like i'm grieving but i'm not sure what for.
I've been denying and trying not to blame my parents. But, it is their fault. Their neglect to help me has caused me so many problems.
They also had their own problems. Mom was sick and depressed. Dad was always busy with work. They didn't know how to take care of themselves and they still dont.
I was mediator, therapist, sounding board, parent. Responsibilities were forced upon me that were not mine. Like being manipulated into working for my dad without pay for so long. Mom telling me all of her problems, about life, about dad. Dad telling me all his problems. About mom.
I don't think they were really mature enough to be parents if they couldn't even take care of themselves. Why rely on your children to be what you are supposed to be for them... Our religion has nothing to do with it. It's them, as people.
I love them, and they are my family. But i am so angry with them. I never felt I could trust them, and now I don't even more than before. It feels like they're just trying to fix the mistakes they made now by trying to "help" me get back into being religious. And they don't like me being here, with Cedar and his family, with people who care about me and like me and support me.
It is so hard for me to admit, but it is their fault, that I am not as mentally mature as I should be, that I am no longer going to the congregation, that I have all these problems that affect me and keep me from being an effective and successful adult.
I'm grieving for all the time I lost because of depression. The childhood I lost from anxiety.
It's just hitting me now. The implications of when dad said they knew I was depressed and anxious and did nothing about it. They didn't talk to the school, or my doctor. Or even me. They didn't let me know that they knew. They never talked to me about it.
I've been suffering all this time. And I felt I was alone. But they knew? I feel so betrayed.
I looked up "depression symptoms in children".
- Irritability or anger. (check)
- Continuous feelings of sadness and hopelessness. (check)
- Social withdrawal. (check)
- Increased sensitivity to rejection. (check)
- Changes in appetite -- either increased or decreased.
- Changes in sleep -- sleeplessness or excessive sleep.
- Vocal outbursts or crying. (check)
- Difficulty concentrating. (check)
- Fatigue and low energy.
- Physical complaints (such as stomachaches, headaches) that don't respond to treatment. (check)
- Reduced ability to function during events and activities at home or with friends, in school, extracurricular activities, and in other hobbies or interests. (check)
- Feelings of worthlessness or guilt. (check)
- Impaired thinking or concentration.
- Thoughts of death or suicide. (check)
Now, I know that mom and dad didn't know all of my symptoms. But I was very obviously a child with anger issues. I would beat up myself, and my sister. Especially when i was emotionally hurt or overwhelmed with something. I was constantly making myself sick because i was so nervous in certain situations, mostly at school. I would also become very nervous and sick when it came to large groups or new surroundings.
It got worse with school. New place, new social interactions, new authorities to deal with.
I feel like... even just my parents letting me know that they knew so much sooner would have greatly helped. But I thought i was alone. I thought that they didn't know and they wouldn't understand. I feel like my thoughts that i was abused are valid. Because of their neglect to help me with my anxiety and depression at such a young age. And that has followed me into adulthood.
I don't know what else to say, other than i feel betrayed and i dont want to talk to them for a while. I feel lost. I feel angry. I feel like i'm grieving but i'm not sure what for.
I've been denying and trying not to blame my parents. But, it is their fault. Their neglect to help me has caused me so many problems.
They also had their own problems. Mom was sick and depressed. Dad was always busy with work. They didn't know how to take care of themselves and they still dont.
I was mediator, therapist, sounding board, parent. Responsibilities were forced upon me that were not mine. Like being manipulated into working for my dad without pay for so long. Mom telling me all of her problems, about life, about dad. Dad telling me all his problems. About mom.
I don't think they were really mature enough to be parents if they couldn't even take care of themselves. Why rely on your children to be what you are supposed to be for them... Our religion has nothing to do with it. It's them, as people.
I love them, and they are my family. But i am so angry with them. I never felt I could trust them, and now I don't even more than before. It feels like they're just trying to fix the mistakes they made now by trying to "help" me get back into being religious. And they don't like me being here, with Cedar and his family, with people who care about me and like me and support me.
It is so hard for me to admit, but it is their fault, that I am not as mentally mature as I should be, that I am no longer going to the congregation, that I have all these problems that affect me and keep me from being an effective and successful adult.
I'm grieving for all the time I lost because of depression. The childhood I lost from anxiety.
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Hello 03fifteen, and welcome to our corner of SoberRecovery.
From what you wrote it sounds to me like your parents were plenty dysfunctional, just like the rest of us here in ACoA-land. Much like you describe, I never had a childhood. I too was forced into being the "adult" of the family.
One of the "gifts" i have received in recovery is being able to have my childhood _now_. I have done things like learn how to juggle, go hiking all over, do a little travel. It's a lot more fun as an adult because I am free to do as I please... well... ok... as much as I can afford
Welcome again, I'm glad you decided to join us.
Mike
From what you wrote it sounds to me like your parents were plenty dysfunctional, just like the rest of us here in ACoA-land. Much like you describe, I never had a childhood. I too was forced into being the "adult" of the family.
One of the "gifts" i have received in recovery is being able to have my childhood _now_. I have done things like learn how to juggle, go hiking all over, do a little travel. It's a lot more fun as an adult because I am free to do as I please... well... ok... as much as I can afford
Welcome again, I'm glad you decided to join us.
Mike
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Manitoba, Canada
Posts: 168
Welcome!
When I was 16, I made an attempt to kill myself. When I told my mom, she reacted in a negative way. I was never forced to seek help; she didn't want my dad to know (fear of him going on a heavier binge) so we acted like it never happened. Of course, at 24 I nearly off'd myself again, so I realized these feelings don't disappear - they become dormant, like a volcano.
I still allow myself to grieve the childhood I never had. I learned about this when I was 21, so it's been a journey so far and it seems like it's only the beginning.
When I was 16, I made an attempt to kill myself. When I told my mom, she reacted in a negative way. I was never forced to seek help; she didn't want my dad to know (fear of him going on a heavier binge) so we acted like it never happened. Of course, at 24 I nearly off'd myself again, so I realized these feelings don't disappear - they become dormant, like a volcano.
I still allow myself to grieve the childhood I never had. I learned about this when I was 21, so it's been a journey so far and it seems like it's only the beginning.
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