goplayoutside

Hi - I am new here and have an incident in my life that is most troubling. I have a friend of 12 years. Her daughter and my daughter are best friends, they are 13. The mom is an active political protester, but unemployed.

For several years, I have known that my friend drinks too much. We would go out to dinner and she would sit at the bar the entire time. We went camping and she wandered off to visit other campsites, leaving the kids with me. Mom has lost two jobs because she was late too many times.

Her house went into foreclosure, but she got bailed out. It is in forclosure again. Her daughter has told her that she is embarrassed to have friends come over because of Mom's drinking. Dad lives in another state across the country.

I heard some stories about a year ago about Mom bringing all these men to the house, but ignored it, thinking it was part of her political protest organization. For the most part, I have stayed out of it. If the kids go somewhere, I drive.

A couple months ago, I picked the friend up at Mom's boyfriend's house. Mom was not there and was unreachable by phone. Friend said Mom was in rehab. I doubted the story at the time, but hoped it was true.

On Monday of this week, Mom was seen, in the alley drinking with the homeless. She was smashed and allowing the men to feel her up. She left with one of the men. This was sometime in the early afternoon.

So, I called Dad and let him know my concerns. Through a little research, we found out Mom had been in jail for a second DUI. Friend has been staying at boyfrined's house and at lady's house down the street. Dad called lady down the street and has decided to take Friend to live with him.

Mom called me last night and started to say everything was a lie, she wasn't drinking with the homeless and that she is trying to get sober. I lost it and went off on her. I am so angry that she is doing this to her daughter. She can drink herself dead if she likes, but she is messing up that sweet little girl.

I feel horrible. My daughter is heartbroken that her best friend has to move across the country. I fear that she will blame me.

I feel horrible that I went off on my friend and sent her an email this morning apologizing for my outburst, but holding firm on my decision to call Dad.

I feel horrible that Friend will blame me for having to move and leave all her friends.

and I feel horrible that I have lost MY friend.

Any words of encouragement, or advice on how to go forward with this relationship would be welcome. What do I say to the alcoholic's daughter? I am suppose to take Friend to a cabin at a State Park in late December. Dad doesn't know when he will get here or when he can get the court involved.

Thank you for reading all this. I didn't know it would be so long.

wanttobehealthy

You did the right thing. That poor sweet child keeping her moms secret and being essentially homeless???? The dad hadn't had a clue all this time what's been happening or has he just turned a blind eye?

I'm so sorry too for your loss of your friend.

You did the right thing and that little girl will thank you one day bc I can't even imagine the scenarios that could have played out if you hadn't done something.

goplayoutside

Thank you for that. I am on the verge of tears and if someone comes into my office, I will be embarrassed.

Dad had no clue. The friend has been lying to him. It took about 12 hours for it to sink in with him, but he called last night and said he was going to come get her.

hopeful4

You absolutely did the right thing. What if something happened to the daughter while in the care of the mother. Absolutely revolting.

You need to explain to your daughter the truth. You need to tell her that while it is sad that she has to move that her safety has to be your #1 concern and hers too. As far as the mom, she has serious issues. Stand your ground. As someone said on another post on here today, it is their actions, not their words that count and her actions are horrible.

Any feelings of regret you just remind yourself how you would feel if something had happened and you did nothing.

You are a good mom, your daughter and friend's daughter are both lucky to have you in their lives.

Blessings.

suki44883

Good for you! You definately did the right thing. You may have even saved that child's life. Her mother was placing her in potentially very dangerous situations and standing up and doing the right thing is commendable. Too many people just don't want to get involved and so many bad things could have been prevented if someone just spoke up.

((((HUGS)))) to you for doing right by this child!

ladyscribbler

Thank goodness that little girl had you to look out for her, since clearly her mother was incapable. You were truly her guardian angel.

FireSprite

You didn't just do the right thing, you did a truly wonderful, magical thing for that girl by stepping in as her advocate. Her situation is intolerable for a young girl & there's no doubt continuing to be subjected to that as her primary home environment could dramatically influence where she ends up for the rest of her life.

You are a hero. The rest of it is just details - she is SAFE.

JustAGirl1971

This is a good opportunity to teach your daughter a valuable lesson. When we love someone, we do the right thing for that person, even if it's difficult and it hurts us to do so. You did the right thing.

I'm sorry, I have no advice or suggestions. Just wanted to affirm what you already know

ippochick

you did the right thing. when i was at the end of my drinking i didn't care about anyone or anything. including, much as it horrifies me to admit, my own daughter.

it's unpalatable but it's the cold, hard truth. that mother seems to me to be in a place where anything that gets in the way of her drinking is cut off immediately.

you did the right thing.

wanttobehealthy

It was obvious my mother was ill and abusive when I was a kid and no one ever stepped in. I'm 41 & still a mess bc of it so what you did for that little girl was you saved her life. Literally.

goplayoutside

Thank you all. I know I would do it again if I had to, but hearing that I did the right thing is so helpful.

goplayoutside

wanttobehealthy - I am so sorry for your past and wish you all the recovery you can handle in the future. Thank you for your words of encouragement.

wanttobehealthy

You did the right thing (you can't hear it too many times).

Is the dad in a position to be able to live where his daughter is? Does he work from home maybe? Maybe if she has a transition period before being moved cross country that would help. Is he on his way today to her?

goplayoutside

That is great advice.

goplayoutside

Dad has a great job out West with a wife and 4-year-old. He is 12 years sober. He wouldn't be able to transfer back here. I don't know when he will get her. She has an airline ticket for Dec 23 since she was going to spend Christmas with him. She may just stay there.

CarryOn

I wholeheartedly agree with everyone else - you absolutely did the right thing for this young girl...thank you for stepping up and taking action.

I also agree in being honest with your DD...friend's mom has a disease - she is very sick, and friend is being effected by it regardless of whether or not she understands that now. Maybe DD and friend can make it a point to keep in touch - skype, e-mail, etc., etc.

wanttobehealthy

Hopefully the dad gets something on paper w a court ASAP so he can legally take her w him.

Dad sounds like he's a great parent.

Charmed3

I had a situation arise with one of my daughters good friends 30 years ago. The parents were both alcoholics, divorced and the mother with a new boyfriend also an alcoholic.

My daughter had a birthday slumber party and her friend was there. The friends 5 yr old little brother kept calling our home and then the friend with a straight face told me and my friend that her brother was hurting because the moms boyfriend punched him in the eye. Then she proceeded to tell us with a straight unemotional face about the abuse her, her brother and 1 yr old sister were receiving.

I went to my room and called CPS, not much help, they asked me to get a look at the boy when I took the sister home in the morning to see if he needed medical help. OMG - 1/4 of this little boys face was black & blue.

The next day was Monday, my daughter came home and told me some people came and took Sherry from school today. Later I found out they went to the home first, took the other 2 children and then picked up Sherry at school.

My daughter talked to her now and then but a few years ago they ran in to each other at the mall. Sherry knew it was me that had called CPS and she asked my daughter to thank me because the 3 children ended up in a wonderful foster home together and had a great life that they wouldn't have had if someone hadn't stepped in.

As adults, if parents aren't taking care of children it is our responsibility to step up and speak for them when they can not.

Thank you for helping your daughters friend.

goplayoutside

That is so wonderful and exactly what I needed to hear.

All of you are wonderful. Thank you!

FireSprite

Charmed - that is truly beautiful. What an amazing feeling it must be to have selflessly helped those children out like that & find out later what a tremendous impact it had on them.