unexpected trigger from a friend
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: Bay Area, CA
Posts: 188
unexpected trigger from a friend
I think I have been doing pretty well in terms of identifying unhealthy behaviors/thoughts and then trying to work on them. I feel like I still have miles to go, though!
Today, I emailed a friend and asked if I can practice driving with her. I had practiced with her once before. She wrote back and said that she didn't feel comfortable with me driving her car, and that she would be okay with me driving with her again if I took driving lessons or practiced with someone else consistently. She said she was thinking about the worst case scenario, if I got into an accident in her car, etc.
I wrote back and thanked her for letting me know and that I understand. But now I'm here crying! First, wow, I guess I must be a TERRIBLE driver haha. Second, all these emotions came flooding in. Feelings like nobody cares about me, that I'm alone, that nobody wants me around, that I'll never learn to drive because I suck too much at it anyway so why even bother asking anyone else to help me, I'm just a burden to other people, etc, etc.
AHHHHH. I think it's great that my friend told me the truth, but why do I feel so sad, alone, and crappy? I suppose that's part of recovery as an ACOA and being with my alcoholic ex for so many years. All of these deeply buried emotions just come bubbling out so unexpectedly and I'm just sitting here crying.
It's good to feel my feelings, right? I just didn't think a little interaction with a friend like this leads back to all of these strong emotions.
Just wanted to share. I know this is my second post today, maybe I should just start a journal or use the blog function here...
Today, I emailed a friend and asked if I can practice driving with her. I had practiced with her once before. She wrote back and said that she didn't feel comfortable with me driving her car, and that she would be okay with me driving with her again if I took driving lessons or practiced with someone else consistently. She said she was thinking about the worst case scenario, if I got into an accident in her car, etc.
I wrote back and thanked her for letting me know and that I understand. But now I'm here crying! First, wow, I guess I must be a TERRIBLE driver haha. Second, all these emotions came flooding in. Feelings like nobody cares about me, that I'm alone, that nobody wants me around, that I'll never learn to drive because I suck too much at it anyway so why even bother asking anyone else to help me, I'm just a burden to other people, etc, etc.
AHHHHH. I think it's great that my friend told me the truth, but why do I feel so sad, alone, and crappy? I suppose that's part of recovery as an ACOA and being with my alcoholic ex for so many years. All of these deeply buried emotions just come bubbling out so unexpectedly and I'm just sitting here crying.
It's good to feel my feelings, right? I just didn't think a little interaction with a friend like this leads back to all of these strong emotions.
Just wanted to share. I know this is my second post today, maybe I should just start a journal or use the blog function here...
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: North salt lake
Posts: 3,325
Screw her!!! Find someone else to help you. I'm sure you are a fine specimen to teach some driving skills to. That is just ridiculous. Don't cry over this. Something else will come along that's WAY more tear worthy. Why get all puffy faced and bulging eyes over it. Good luck in whatever you decide.
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: Bay Area, CA
Posts: 188
Thanks, Raider. Yeah, I realize this isn't a big deal when I look at the big picture, but I am struggling to deal with all of these emotions and feelings that just kind of bubbled to the surface.
She has actually been a really great friend, and she has gone above and beyond to support me and help me in so many other ways. She just doesn't want me to drive her car haha. Plus, she is currently pregnant, so that's another level of precaution that she is taking, and I totally understand.
Also, it's really hard for me to ask for help, and her saying "no" threw me off and makes me just want to crawl away and not ask anyone else for favors. But the truth is, I do need help with this. Driving school is the ideal solution, but I just paid $$ for my lawyer for the custody dispute...sigh.
She has actually been a really great friend, and she has gone above and beyond to support me and help me in so many other ways. She just doesn't want me to drive her car haha. Plus, she is currently pregnant, so that's another level of precaution that she is taking, and I totally understand.
Also, it's really hard for me to ask for help, and her saying "no" threw me off and makes me just want to crawl away and not ask anyone else for favors. But the truth is, I do need help with this. Driving school is the ideal solution, but I just paid $$ for my lawyer for the custody dispute...sigh.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Also, it's really hard for me to ask for help, and her saying "no" threw me off and makes me just want to crawl away and not ask anyone else for favors.
Wow, yeah. That's me, too. I have gotten better about "getting back on the horse" even after (what I perceive as) rejection of any kind. Good for you for asking. I'm sure you'll find a solution- or one will present itself. Take care and best of luck to you.
Wow, yeah. That's me, too. I have gotten better about "getting back on the horse" even after (what I perceive as) rejection of any kind. Good for you for asking. I'm sure you'll find a solution- or one will present itself. Take care and best of luck to you.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 216
We get sooooo used to stuffing our emotions that actually feeling them can feel pretty crappy. I used to be FLOORED when anyone said no, as I was soooo used to doing anything anyone wanted so they would "like" me. It's not you...she's got a baby on the way and you have little experience, from what a gather,,so it's just practical? Not that that feels great. But I understand how just a no can really feel like a slap and I am so sorry. I totally get this.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
It's tough...On the one hand, I'm learning that, as they say, "No is a complete sentence", and that it's OK for me to SAY no when it's appropriate. It doesn't mean I don't love or care about the person I'm saying no to. It just means I can't do whatever it is they're asking me to do, or can't do it at that point.
On the other hand, it also means I need to learn how to HEAR "No"--and that's hard for me too! Like you, I feel as if the person saying no is saying they don't love me or care about me, as if I'm unimportant to them. It just means THEY can't do whatever it is I'm asking them to do, or can't do it at that point.
If I get to say no to others, then I also have to learn how to hear no from others, right?
Still working on both sides of this coin!
On the other hand, it also means I need to learn how to HEAR "No"--and that's hard for me too! Like you, I feel as if the person saying no is saying they don't love me or care about me, as if I'm unimportant to them. It just means THEY can't do whatever it is I'm asking them to do, or can't do it at that point.
If I get to say no to others, then I also have to learn how to hear no from others, right?
Still working on both sides of this coin!
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Butterfly, I am pretty sure that most all of us have experienced what you are feeling, right n ow. It feels like rejection---and, it just plain hurts.
Maybe you could promise yourself that you will become the best damn driver on the continent!! Show everyone that you are a flippin Mario Andretti!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(doing well is always the best (better than) revenge. That is what has worked the best for me when someone has "harshed my mellow"
dandylion
Maybe you could promise yourself that you will become the best damn driver on the continent!! Show everyone that you are a flippin Mario Andretti!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(doing well is always the best (better than) revenge. That is what has worked the best for me when someone has "harshed my mellow"
dandylion
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,423
Originally Posted by butterfly2013 
Thanks, Raider. Yeah, I realize this isn't a big deal when I look at the big picture, but I am struggling to deal with all of these emotions and feelings that just kind of bubbled to the surface.
She has actually been a really great friend, and she has gone above and beyond to support me and help me in so many other ways. She just doesn't want me to drive her car haha. Plus, she is currently pregnant, so that's another level of precaution that she is taking, and I totally understand.
Also, it's really hard for me to ask for help, and her saying "no" threw me off and makes me just want to crawl away and not ask anyone else for favors. But the truth is, I do need help with this. Driving school is the ideal solution, but I just paid $$ for my lawyer for the custody dispute...sigh.
She has actually been a really great friend, and she has gone above and beyond to support me and help me in so many other ways. She just doesn't want me to drive her car haha. Plus, she is currently pregnant, so that's another level of precaution that she is taking, and I totally understand.
Also, it's really hard for me to ask for help, and her saying "no" threw me off and makes me just want to crawl away and not ask anyone else for favors. But the truth is, I do need help with this. Driving school is the ideal solution, but I just paid $$ for my lawyer for the custody dispute...sigh.
I understand how much it hurts to hear no when you expected yes.
I try really hard to be a good and loyal friend too, but I will be honest and tell you that if one of my friends asked me to drive my car to practice I don't think I would feel comfortable letting them either. I just couldn't afford the money if there was an accident and my insurance rates went up, or if my car got messed up I wouldn't even have the deductible to fix. The thought of the tension that might put in the friendship would just be not OK for me, and that would be a boundry.
It isn't a personal thing, in other words. Some people would have no problem at all and that's great, but I hope you don't take it to heart as a rejection aimed somehow at you. The fact that she is pregnant also and would have to be in the car too is also a valid reason. Sometimes other people on the road are careless and accidents happen which have nothing to do with the learner's ability or what they are doing themselves.
I also think you will be an awesome driver and good for you for working on it. I'm sorry cash is tight. Boy, do I get that and I hope a way can be found to make it happen. I just wanted to offer another perspective because it sounds like she is a good friend and I don't think she meant to hurt your feelings.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 32
Originally Posted by Hawkeye13
Hi butterfly;
I understand how much it hurts to hear no when you expected yes.
I try really hard to be a good and loyal friend too, but I will be honest and tell you that if one of my friends asked me to drive my car to practice I don't think I would feel comfortable letting them either. I just couldn't afford the money if there was an accident and my insurance rates went up, or if my car got messed up I wouldn't even have the deductible to fix. The thought of the tension that might put in the friendship would just be not OK for me, and that would be a boundry.
It isn't a personal thing, in other words. Some people would have no problem at all and that's great, but I hope you don't take it to heart as a rejection aimed somehow at you. The fact that she is pregnant also and would have to be in the car too is also a valid reason. Sometimes other people on the road are careless and accidents happen which have nothing to do with the learner's ability or what they are doing themselves.
I also think you will be an awesome driver and good for you for working on it. I'm sorry cash is tight. Boy, do I get that and I hope a way can be found to make it happen. I just wanted to offer another perspective because it sounds like she is a good friend and I don't think she meant to hurt your feelings.
I understand how much it hurts to hear no when you expected yes.
I try really hard to be a good and loyal friend too, but I will be honest and tell you that if one of my friends asked me to drive my car to practice I don't think I would feel comfortable letting them either. I just couldn't afford the money if there was an accident and my insurance rates went up, or if my car got messed up I wouldn't even have the deductible to fix. The thought of the tension that might put in the friendship would just be not OK for me, and that would be a boundry.
It isn't a personal thing, in other words. Some people would have no problem at all and that's great, but I hope you don't take it to heart as a rejection aimed somehow at you. The fact that she is pregnant also and would have to be in the car too is also a valid reason. Sometimes other people on the road are careless and accidents happen which have nothing to do with the learner's ability or what they are doing themselves.
I also think you will be an awesome driver and good for you for working on it. I'm sorry cash is tight. Boy, do I get that and I hope a way can be found to make it happen. I just wanted to offer another perspective because it sounds like she is a good friend and I don't think she meant to hurt your feelings.
I wish I had a friend that could be as open and honest with me when asked a question, particularly when it may not have been easy for her to give the answer 'no' as well.
I have a lot of respect for people who can be truthful with me, however difficult it may be.
Good luck with your driving :-)
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: Bay Area, CA
Posts: 188
WOW, thank you for the wonderful replies!
I agree with what everyone said, my friend is just being practical and I appreciate that she told me the truth in a respectful way. (Hawkeye, you really put it well, thank you so much!) I'm trying not to take it personally, but there is still that feeling of "Ouch, I *really* suck at driving!" and I was already feeling down about other things when she e-mailed me. But, I just gotta keep on keeping on and find another way to learn to drive.
I think another aspect about this is getting comfortable with hearing "no," in the same way that we should be comfortable telling other people "no." Thanks for pointing that out, honeypig, it makes so much sense.
Feeling better about everything today, one step at time!
I agree with what everyone said, my friend is just being practical and I appreciate that she told me the truth in a respectful way. (Hawkeye, you really put it well, thank you so much!) I'm trying not to take it personally, but there is still that feeling of "Ouch, I *really* suck at driving!" and I was already feeling down about other things when she e-mailed me. But, I just gotta keep on keeping on and find another way to learn to drive.
I think another aspect about this is getting comfortable with hearing "no," in the same way that we should be comfortable telling other people "no." Thanks for pointing that out, honeypig, it makes so much sense.
Feeling better about everything today, one step at time!
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