ellaj

Hello, I am new. My husband is short term recovering alcoholic, under 6 months sober. I am grateful that he is in the 12 step program and doing well so far. He has had relapses and of course I am nervous about that. I feel like I am walking on eggshells trying to keep everything as calm as I can trying not to rock the boat when he's in a fragile state. But he's up he's down he's all over the place and I don't know where I stand at any given time. Do you have any advice on how I can find my footing? He's the one recovering, and I feel like I'm the one with the anxiety and ulcer probably!

Thanks for listening! Oh, PS. I feel like alanon may help me but I'm having real trouble finding a group of people I can relate to. Is this common?

Hammer

Yeah, you are likely getting "dumped" on.

Here is the generally recognized path for *us* in these times.

Let's assume you are past the Three C's. You Cannot Cause, Control or Cure A -- you are good with that, right?

Next come the A's At least our As.

1. Awareness, Acknowledge, and Acceptance. You accept he is an A, picked up some knowledge of what that means for your and his life, right? You are doing Alanon?

2. Detachment (or as Alanon says -- Detach with Love). Less fancy word is Distance. Get some distance between his Crap and You. Maybe for fun, think of Poop Throwing Monkeys at the Zoo. Have you ever watched them? They throw poop at whoever is in their range. Get out of your A's Poop Throwing Range.

3. Boundaries. Some of the stuff the A's pull is just a ways outside of what anyone should have to tolerate. For those we have boundaries. Sort of like fences. While we cannot control what goes on *their* backyard. With good boundaries and fences they cannot do it in our backyard. Around our house that includes Emotional Meltdowns and ScreamFests. We shut those down (it comes into me and the kid's boundaries).

Good Luck, Best to You. Mrs. Hammer is now about 11 months back from rehab. Probably at 6 months was about the worst. Now "she" is just kind of Dry Drunking and mild Relapsing.

Dublin

Hi ellaj, sorry to hear you are having a hard time and I understand where you are at. RA is 10 mnths sober this time round and doing really well, attending meetings, has a sponsor and working a programme but the first 6 months were really hard. I think now looking back I was really struggling and lost at that time too so I added to the problem. Alanon was what did it for me, listening to people, talking to people, reading some books. I recently got a sponsor and that has made a huge difference dealing with my issues that can't be addressed by a meeting. Things not perfect now but better and I'm taking it a day at a time. I hope you find a meeting that you like and people you can trust and talk to. I struggled with everyone praising RA for his recovery I was resentful that they hadn't had to put up with the BS that came with the drinking so I felt it was easier for them to support his recovery. I worked on my issues with that and realised I could get support for me. And Hammer gives great advice re detatching and boundaries, took me a loooong time to learn that but it works. I have a new mantra when RA starts picking at me or looking to argue I repeat to myself 'he is behaving badly, I don't have to' and I try to not react or join in and try to get distance (not always easy).

Wishing you the very best.

ellaj

Thank you both for sharing your insight. I have reread your replies a few times to let them sink in.
I am dealing with my own issues about the three C's, not sure I'm good with it yet, but I am learning to accept it. Yes I accept he's an alcoholic. I am trying Alanon. Haven't found the right group yet but I am going back. Interested in finding a sponsor. I can see that would be very helpful. I am trying to be out of crap range, hence the walking on eggshells. Limited success with the boundaries. Working on it, understanding more and beginning to emerge from my depressive fog. I too struggle with the resentments and am finally learning that forgiveness doesn't mean condoning the behavior, but more letting it go so that I can move forward.

Something I think about daily is something he said to me "You don't understand because you don't drink." At first it cut me like a knife. But it's true. I can't presume to understand. So I can't let it control me anymore. I have to let it go. And I'm working on that. Detachment with love. Powerful thing. Hardest thing.

Dublin

Good to hear from you Ellaj and I hope you get to a good alanon meeting and find a sponsor. Took me a year and a half to ask someone to sponsor me but she is fab and really helps clear my thoughts and keep me focused on getting better. Boundaries and detaching are hard I still mess up all the time with these. One thing I learned on here is that I can set boundaries for me and I don't have to tell RA what they are I just work them for myself. For example I won't listen to disrespectful talk, I don't say this to R A but I walk away if he speaks to me in a disrespectful way so that's my boundary but I enforce it he doesn't have to even know it exists.

There are very wise people on these boards with lots of experience so read more threads and hopefully others will be along here with their experience to share.

Wishing you all the best.