lillamy

I didn't end up making a fool of myself but... I'm attending an event this week with a lot of lectures and speeches. I hadn't even thought that anything there would be triggering, but there was a judge speaking about how being a judge has changed over her career; how things in the court room today are much less civil than when she started, etc.

I had a full-blown panic attack and a flashback to being in the court room with AXH and his lawyer attacking my morals and my parenting and me as a person during the divorce hearings. I somehow managed to exit sort of gracefully and calm myself down in the ladies' room.

So now I'm wondering how I can prepare for that happening again and whether anyone has any go-to tricks or solutions? (And yes, I'm in therapy for PTSD, but I never thought I'd have flashback to the COURT ROOM!)

MsPINKAcres

((lillamy))

I hate so much you had a panic attack ~ those are so scary!

It's strange how mine hit me sometimes - like yours did - out of the blue - something on TV or the radio - a smell or maybe even a dream. . .

I use the slogans and the steps to help me

1. I am powerless over my past scars & sometimes it makes me unmanagable
2. I believe in a power greater than me that can restore me to sanity
3. Made a decision to turn my past, my triggers and my pain over to the care of this HP.

I remind myself feelings aren't fact ~ I may feel out of control and unsafe - but I am not. I am equipped to keep myself from those fearful situations & I don't have to go thru that ever again.

I do my breathing techniques and focus on the serenity prayer.

sometimes the peace comes right away ~ sometimes it takes awhile - but it always comes.

gentle pink hugs to you!

Charmed3

Lillamy - I can so relate to this. I was in therapy 8 years ago after STBX and his family pulled a horrible stunt on me that caused severe PTSD and panic.

I was doing so well - and when he relapsed it all came back. I am back in therapy and have permantly removed myself from the situation but the PTSD symptoms are still present.

I too would love to know of any ideas anyone has for dealing with this.

thislonelygirl

Sorry that happened to you. I actually (without ever even having an ah) have panic attacks frequently. Anxiety disorder so I Understand how horrible it is although It is worse when you know the cause is from a person and very real. Those are the worst with me because It brings back so many feeling's. Anyhow I focus on my breathing and try to Direct my mind elsewhere. to anything. Happy thoughts. With me ....sometimes it works ...sometimes it doesn't but i have a separate issue aside from just flashbacks with my ah so it may work better with you.

DesertEyes

Grounding.

A flashback creates a "mental confusion" between what my eyes see in the world around me and what my mind remembers from the past. "Grounding" is named after the practice of sticking a piece of metal in the ground in order to direct lightning strikes away from property and into the ground.

I would take some small object, a little charm that belonged to my grandmother, an earing my g/f gave me, something that represents what was good in my life. Put it on a chain and wear it around my neck.

Every morning when I put it on I would spend just 10 seconds holding it. Focusing on it's shape, it's size, it's _reality_. When I had a flashback I would hold it and focus again on it's reality. That little object was totally real, and the flashback was _not_.

When I got into recovery I used the coins they give you every year. The idea was just to get my mind focused on something _solid_ that I could hold in my hand as a way re-directing my thoughts away from the memory and back to something as real as the ground, which is why it's called "grounding". Worked really good for me.

Mike

butterfly2013

Thanks for the replies to this thread, everyone! I wrote about how I am feeling overwhelmed in the thread I started below, but these techniques and tips are really helping. Actually, I am thinking that my difficulty with driving may have to do with the fact that I was terrified when my alcoholic dad and alcoholic ex would drive buzzed/drunk. Maybe it's related to my own anxiety about my driving, maybe not, but it's great to have these "grounding" techniques for anxiety/flashbacks in general. Thank you for sharing, everyone

ladyscribbler

I learned a technique that helped my PTSD tremendously. It seems counter-intuitive, but you actually try to remember every detail of those traumatic events. I did this out loud with a therapist at Combat Stress over a course of several weeks. Recited my memories of certain events each week, remembering new details.
Flashbacks are caused by "shattered" memory fragments breaking through into your consciousness. When something is too traumatic, the mind tries to compartmentalize the memory in small pieces to save pain, when one of those fragments is knocked loose by a trigger, it creates a flashback to the traumatic event. This type of therapy reassembles the memory so that you can deal with it in its entirety and not be taken by surprise when something seemingly random triggers a flashback.
I believe the name of the technique is "guided recollection" or something like that. I wish I remembered now.

nbay2013

I have intense emotional flashbacks from events that happened 20 years ago. The symptoms started maybe 10 years ago. I have not managed to make them go away, however, my strategy in to have an "out" of a situation. If I know I have a safe plan "B" to exit, the flashbacks mostly stay manageable. In your case, lillamy, one possible example is to sit near an exit should you need leave.

lillamy

You guys, you make me cry. In a good way.
It is so amazing to have a group of people who get it. Who'd have thunk I appreciate you just as much AFTER leaving AXH as I did BEFORE? (Actually, even more now!)

Love, love, love this. (That's where I started crying.)

And Desert Eyes, I so like that suggestion and I'm so glad you made it -- I actually do have a "grounding" object that I got when one of my kids was suicidal and I had to have her committed -- and guess where that was? In my purse. Did I remember it? Of course not… I think the routine in the morning may keep that option at the front of my mind, thank you for suggesting that.

Ladyscribbler, I think that's where I need to go eventually, but right now, just reading that made me nervous. My therapist is considering referring me to another therapist who treats PTSD cases with EMDR -- which would include going back through the memories…

Thank you all. I'm very blessed to be part of this community.

ladyscribbler

Yeah, it was a nerve-wracking process, and I was a soldier. I was supposed to be "tough". I'm grateful for it now, but at the time it was terrifying to face all of those events when my own brain just wanted to hide them from me.

4MyBoys

Lillamy,

I too was given the gift that keeps on giving PTSD. What really helped me was ERMD treatment. See if your counselor is trained in this process or can suggest someone. I thought it was made up when I was first asked to try it but as the button they gave me when I left the retreat said, FM. Stands for "F@cking Magic".

I have tried all the mantras and talismans, and they work sometimes, but sometimes you need a little more help.

Good luck, 4MyBoys

lillamy

Funny -- when I heard about EMDR it was from a person who gets guidance from "the powers" by closing her eyes, humming, and absorbing cosmic energy -- so I was like 'Yeah…. right… thank you… I'll get RIGHT on that…" but you're not the first (sane) person I've heard say that.

Florence

I did EMDR too and it turned The Worst Experience Of My Life to an experience in my life. I have no idea how or why it works, and I'm anti-woo woo to the bone, but it worked.

Argnotthisagain

Funny there's a thread on PTSD. I've known I have it but didn't really understand until more recently. It seemed kind of abstract but now I'm much more aware of the anxiety undercurrent that I've had for so long.

Just realizing what it is when it hits now is helpful. Without the addictive distraction of a toxic rship, I'm becoming more conscious of a lot of things. Comforting the little kid inside --talking soothingly from my adult self to her is helpful. Reminding her that right now, "those things" aren't happening.

I've been having arthritis in my tailbone and that's been triggering the terrors of having had ulcerative colitis during most of my childhood--plus all the other stuff.

Clearly, it's about terrors that you had to endure without benefit of reassurance and love. So I think we need to find ways to soothe ourselves and get nurturing from trusted, loving friends. Also, it seems like I need extra sleep to recover from the attacks. Especially lately for me; it's like I'm doing a lot of peeling the onion layers lately. That makes sense to me, needing extra sleep. Im seeing that PTSD attacks really drain your energy.

Thanks for bringing up the subject.

LifeRecovery

I think the most recent PTSD studies show that because of the stress of the incident your brain can not "time stamp" the incident that happened to you. Also your body experiences trauma (regardless of physical impact in the situation or not).

Flashbacks are often when "something" triggers a similarity to the incident....that does not have a time stamp. Instead of feeling like it "happened" when it did...you tend to feel like you are in it again.

The type of therapy I did (EMDR uses similar techniques) is to help support the completion of the trauma in the mind and body so it leaves a time stamp. It was hard when I had to go through it and be present, but has been worth it since then. My trauma also was small compared to many.

This is hard stuff congrats for being willing to look at it.

lillamy

That's interesting with the time stamp. Makes perfect sense! Thank you for sharing that!

amy55

The way I deal with it might seem crazy, but it works for me.

Please note, I do not have D.I.D (Disassociative Identity Disorder)

I divided myself into 3 people. I have me, amy, and jynx.

Me ---- I see things happening, or hear things that trigger memories or events

pass it on to amy

Amy---- is the inquisitive one. She just researches everything to death. Wants to know the answers to everything, but just seems to get stuck here.

Out comes jynx

jynx----says to the other 2, geez, I'll let the 2 of you sit here and think about things, but I'm going to take action. I'll see you later.

Now I just have to integrate all 3 of us. (lol)

lillamy

I see what you're saying, Amy, and I haven't thought about it that way before but I do think that many of us create different identities (not in the DID sense) in order to handle things.

I know I have this Can-Do persona that I put on when $h*t just needs to get DONE.
I have an upbeat caring smiling persona that I put on for work (working in marketing sucks on the days when you feel like pulling the covers over your head).
I have a calm Mom persona who can just by her presence settle the kids when they're freaking out.

And then I close my bedroom door and crawl under the covers and cry like a five-year-old.

Ya know, maybe we should start auditioning for movies?

nbay2013

This is a very interesting thread to me. I have a type of PTSD. I was abandoned by my husband 20 years ago. By this time my daughter was almost four. I experienced a severe Postpartum Depression. I eventually ended up in the Psych hospital where my recovery began. Husband left while I was in the hospital; parents could not cope, they bailed. Thus started my road to recovery, raising my daughter mostly alone. I have come to believe this terribly traumatic event led me to low confidence and also led me to accepting a relationship with another low self esteem person, ie., my ExAB. My PTSD manifests in trust. I can not travel with people or stay at their home, away from mine. I travel alone just fine. Being in a vulnerable place with people, even friends, completely triggers an intense, almost dis-associative trauma flashback. For five years I was completely on my own with a child, welfare, and no alimony. At the time, I shut down, and pushed everyone way, just to survive. I have always been confused how to approach this. How does one learn to trust vulnerability again? Vulnerability = Trauma in my primitive brain that has now hard wired this. Any insight on this. Does it makes sense? Because I am floored how to approach this. Therapy has not helped so far.

lillamy

Your story is heartbreaking. I fail to understand how people can leave a new mother in such dire straits. Heartbreaking.

I think most of us struggle with a version of what you're saying -- that we equal vulnerability with trauma. And trust is a huge issue for so many of us here.

I have no idea what to tell you about what helps. You were abandoned in the worst way. I guess the only thing I can think of saying is that it will never get that bad again. You've been to the bottom. And you know what? YOU SURVIVED! That's some pretty tall corn there, my friend!

A friend of mine (who survived a horrid childhood) said to me once that once you determine that a) you've already been to hell and b) you got out of hell and c) you're doing pretty OK on your own and you don't NEED another person -- then attempting to build relationship gets less scary. Because you don't NEED them. And if people end up hurting you -- well, you've already proven you can survive just fine on your own, so you don't have to fear that.

I know it's a whole lot harder than that. But I just wanted to share it,