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Toddler's First Overnight Visit with XABF and My First Al Anon Meeting



Toddler's First Overnight Visit with XABF and My First Al Anon Meeting

Old 11-19-2013, 09:47 AM
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Toddler's First Overnight Visit with XABF and My First Al Anon Meeting

My three year old had his first supervised overnight visit with my XABF this past weekend.

It didn't start off well. My ex and his wife came in separate cars, and the wife walked up to my ex's car where I was standing with my son. She was on the phone, but I called her name when she got off the phone. She pretended not to hear me and walked away.

She then turned back around and I told her I expect her to tell me if my ex drinks. She seemed very angry and defensive and said, "He WON'T drink." I said, "Okay, but you need to tell me if he does, because you didn't tell me he was drinking before." [We had just gone to court and I submitted FB pics which showed them drinking together constantly, including the night before visitation which is against the court order. Plus she told me herself a few months ago that she had a drinking problem as well.] She said defensively, "The court order doesn't say I have to do anything." I said, yes, it does say that she needs to supervise and tell me if there is any drinking. She spit out, angrily, "I don't want to talk to you if it doesn't have anything to do with [my son]." Ooook. Don't flatter yourself, honey. She then walked away again.

My ex said, "Don't treat me like a child, I know what I have to do. That's what I hate about you, you put rules on me, but I never even followed my parents rules." This comment brought me back to all the arguments we had when we were together, he would ALWAYS complain about his parents "putting rules on him" and that he just does whatever he wants.

I reminded him that the judge order supervised visitation, not me. My ex said, "Everything will be okay, my wife respects you." I disagreed, and reminded him about the threats she made about me online.

He said, "She didn't use your name, she could have been talking about anyone. Besides, she gets mad about other bitches." When he said that, he had this creepy smile on his face. Like he was happy his wife gets jealous, or something?

I planned a very busy day with friends, which included a birthday BBQ with a bouncy house for the adults, having a glass of wine at a very cool, retro venue with lots of attractive and dressed up people, and then a late pizza dinner at a fancy place in the bustling downtown area. The next day, I went to my first Al Anon meeting.

This meeting wasn't what I was expecting at all! I would estimate that there were about sixty people there, and many more standing along the edges of the room because there weren't enough seats. Aside from the two Al Anon facilitators, everyone was capped to three minutes shares. We read aloud from Al Anon books and many people shared about the holidays and dating. Then it was time for the newcomers. I was incredibly scared, especially since the room was bursting with people, but I spoke up and shared about my alcoholic father and mentioned the custody dispute with my alcoholic ex.

After the meeting, several people came up to me and welcomed me, hugged me, and gave me their numbers. Then five of us had fellowship and went to lunch at a nearby sushi place, where they have the cutest looking sushi on a conveyer belt. I've never been to a place like that before and I liked it very much. I enjoyed getting to know new people, and while the conversation wasn't dominated by Al Anon, it was great to hear how people have been applying recovery methods to their lives.

By the time I got back to my place, it was time for my ex to drop off my son. My son seemed happy and content. It seemed like everything was okay. And I am thankful for that.

At the back of my mind, I am terrified because my ex is still actively drinking. But I do believe that if you give an active, physically and emotionally abusive A enough rope, that they will eventually hang themselves. I'm trying really hard to "let go and let god," but I just hope and pray nothing terrible happens to my child in his care. I will keep going to Al Anon, although maybe I should try a different group because this one was so large. The Al Anon newcomers pamphlet is so helpful and I am planning on buying some more Al Anon books.

Thanks for listening!

Edited to add: When the wife was talking to me, I noticed she had three, distinct, very bright red marks that looks like fingers directly on her throat. Those marks could be from anything, but my gut instinct told me that something was very wrong. And, she was just *radiating* so much anger, I could feel it like electricity. I hope my ex didn't abuse her, but that is a possibility, since my ex's family have told me that they have seen bruises on her and they believe my ex is doing it.
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Old 11-19-2013, 10:13 AM
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you put rules on me, but I never even followed my parents rules
Guess that says it all, huh?

Children for life.

======

Glad your kiddo is good.

As far as a too large Alanon meeting. Such a problem, huh?

The BIG ODAAT one in Plano is like that at times.

But any such area usually has LOTS of smaller meetings around, too.
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Old 11-19-2013, 10:50 AM
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Butterfly, I know you were extremely nerve-wracked about this entire experience & I just want to say that I think you handled it so beautifully. I'm SO proud of you for taking the time to do so much for your own self-care while the rest of it was out of your control. Thank you for taking the time to update!
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Old 11-19-2013, 10:57 AM
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I agree! You did so great! Good for you. Great that you are taking care of you and going out and having some fun and meeting people at Alanon. Just super!

As far as the rest of the situation, you and your son will be in my prayers!!
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Old 11-19-2013, 11:36 AM
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Thank you, everyone, for the love and support. I can say with confidence that I am proud of me, too

This weekend was full of "firsts" for me. I had been so focused on the As in my life (my alcoholic dad and my alcoholic ex) and I am now just starting to discover who I really am. I'm putting myself in new situations, going to new places, and meeting new people---in healthy ways, no less! These are huge improvements for me. It's scary but exciting at the same time
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Old 11-19-2013, 11:40 AM
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Originally Posted by Hammer View Post
Guess that says it all, huh?

Children for life.
EXACTLY! Baby King syndrome to a T. My interaction with my ex is so minimal now, but pretty much every time I see/talk to him, his Baby King ways dominates and comes back in full force.

Sometimes I wonder why I put up with that for five years when I was with him? No regrets, but I know better now. And this is why I am happily single right now too
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