choublak

So why do most of us loved ones of A's feel angry at some point?

Thumper

I was angry because

I didn't like me
I didn't like him
I couldn't make him be what/who I needed, wanted, and convinced myself he was.
I couldn't make him stop drinking.
His actions never followed his words. That pissed me off!
I couldn't make my life be the dream/picture in my head, no matter what I did or denied.
Alcoholism was making the logistics of life very very difficult. Lots of financial stress, inability to meet any kind of goals, etc. Living with alcoholism is a great big game of spinning your wheels and never getting anything done. Made me angry!!

Quish16

Frustration - knowing they are slowly (or not so slowly in some cases) killing themselves. Sadness that they won't seek help. Believe me, I have been so angry I have gone to bed praying AH will die in the night and at other times, prayed I would go to sleep in the night and never wake up. Also, loss of the person one once loved - alcoholism is a living death. I often think if he died, at least I could mourn him and move on.
But my way of dealing with the anger is to try and accept that alcoholism does go from a lifestyle choice to an illness. I feel more sadness than anger now but it has taken me months. I guess everyone is different but I do feel that frustration must be felt by most of us and I am sure that sometimes causes the anger but that is just my opinion.

JustAGirl1971

Anger is a stage in the grief process and we're grieving the loss of our dreams.

firebolt

Either I or my partner must make a hard decision / change that we do not want to make, but is necessary for our relationship, and for us as individuals to be healthy.

I know that most likely it will not be him that will decide to change to better himself and our relationship, and that makes me very, very angry because I then have to - and that is very, very difficult.

hopeful4

I am angry because:

We have spent literally thousands of dollars on this dam@ addiction of his.

I feel stress/depression has prematurely aged me both physically and mentally

My kids have experienced hardship they should not know anythign about

I HATE BEING LIED TO and don't think addiction is an excuse. For my AH anyways, it is something he chooses and he chooses it over the well being of our family and he chooses to lie to me about it even though he knows I HATE BEING LIED TO MORE THAN I HATE HIM DRINKING!

I doubt I will ever trust another man again in my life and already feel anxiety over the men my daughter's will end up choosing in their lives.

That being said, I will not let the anger control me or my life. I have accepted these things as reality and am dealing with them best I know how. I would walk in a second if i could, but I have two children to think about and their well being is in my control and with God's help I will make decisions that I believe are in their best interests one day at a time.

Thank You.

BoxinRotz

Because being angry is a normal human emotion.

wanttobehealthy

Anger is a normal emotion-- to a degree... I think when we start down the path of questioning whether emotions are valid we start to sound a lot like A's who tell us we have no "right" to be angry....

I had to attend a child impact seminar as mandated by my state for divorcing couples with xAH. And I LOVED that the therapists presenting it stated clearly that having frustrations or even anger at times with your co parent was a normal emotion and that it is HOW we handle it and solve problems that is the real issue.

I think living with an A we are taught to think that any emotion, any expression is a problem and that's not accurate.

Charmed3

I have often said when he calls me angry - that deep down I am hurt. Deep, emotional, pain because he chose alcohol over me. That he threw away our marriage, pi**ed so much money down the drain due to HIS disease, HIS problem and he still has no remorse and his only concerns are to keep drinking and win the most in our divorce.

It hurts terribly and I react with anger but I am learning to process because if I hold on to the anger - he still has control of me.

mfanch

Anger was a cover for self-centered fear. I was not going to get what I want or I was going lose something I had.

For me, it was all based in fear.

dandylion

Who says that anger doesn't solve anything......? Anger is a reaction to fear or pain---it alerts the organism to that which may be harmful. Harnessed, properly, it can give the motivation and energy to make necessary changes for our own welfare.

dandylion

lovefirstalways

I am angry because we have watched people around us lose things without being given a choice. I am angry because my husband knows his mother killed herself slowly with alcohol even though she is actually still alive. I am angry that I have given so much of myself and I feel that his actions are so incredibly selfish.

atalose

I don’t think anger is all bad as a matter of fact anger can be very good – anger can protect us, say a child is in danger our anger short cuts are thinking and allows us to act quickly. Anger can signal you that something needs to change and it gives you the power to do something about it. Anger can show you that maybe your expectations are set to high – example – you talk seriously to the A in your life about their addiction and its affect on you and they continue to do it. Anger can teach us, it can teach us how we don’t want to be, witnessing someone else’s anger and the behaviors that come along with it can teach us how we don’t want to be.

Thumper

I agree. Had I never allowed myself to finally see and feel all that anger underneath I'd still be right where I was.

Mightyqueen801

Anger can sometimes be directed into positive energy. It can make one move forward.

Charmed3

When I lost my mother I was devastated. I had attended some group sessions on loss and so have found that the loss of my marriage is similar in the way I processed things and felt losing my mother.

This link to the article below sums up the truth for me. I have wavered in 1 through 4 for years. I am working on #5 still but I am getting there and have no doubt true acceptance is already in place or will be there soon.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance


The 5 Stages of Grieving the End of a Relationship | Psychology Today

ShootingStar1

Quite a while ago, I started a thread with a similar question that you might find interesting:

Resentment or Rage: Does It Matter What We Call It?

The gist of my initial post was that as people who have been treated badly by alcoholics, we may legitimately feel true anger, rage, at what has happened. I made the distinction that resentment is more akin to anger that has been swallowed and lingers and smolders.

The responses were very enlightening.

I think part of being co-dependent can be ignoring or swallowing or de-valuing the legitimate emotions we feel. Some situations just call for anger, especially when an alcoholic is hurting you in one way or another.

And alcoholism is, to me, a terribly selfish disease. The alcoholic doesn't even really care about themselves; all they care about is alcohol and taking care of their addiction. So, when you look at the priorities alcoholics have, alcohol is first on the list, the alcoholic is second on the list, and there really isn't anybody else on the list at all.

Truly feeling and acknowledging our anger is healthy. It is necessary.

What matters most for our own long term health is what we do with our anger. We need to be important enough in our own lives to honor what we feel.

ShootingStar1

Aeryn

I disagree - anger is a natural human emotion...not feeling it when it's appropriate is actually more of a problem in my thinking. In my experience, the key is balance - I can feel it and let it go and lead to action, a healthy thing...or I can let it eat me up and lead to resentment, unhealthy.

I remember one of the things I didn't like about Alanon is someone was always saying how evolved they were because they were no longer angry....to me never being angry is part of the disease - suppressing emotions and not accepting reality which may make someone angry.

JMHO - take what you want and leave the rest.

Leana

I think anger can often be a self-preservation tactic. It may not be a great one but it releases pent up emotions. It can be directed in a therapeutic or in a harmful way. How you deal with anger I think is more of an issue than the anger itself.

jacrazz

I read this quote somewhere...."Hanging on to anger is like drinking poison and waiting for somebody else to die"