Dating a Recovering Addict: Match-Maker or Deal-Breaker?
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Dating a Recovering Addict: Match-Maker or Deal-Breaker?
Dating a Recovering Addict: Match-Maker or Deal-Breaker?
A past problem with drugs or alcohol shouldn't automatically scare you away
by David Sack, M.D. (Psychology Today)
After dating one dud after another, you finally find someone who seems to have it all – thoughtful, witty, responsible – and good-looking to boot. Then they drop a bomb: “I used to be a drug addict.” They may as well have said, “I’m married.” But does one partner being in recovery automatically spell doom for a relationship?
Healthy Recovery, Healthy Relationships
Most recovering addicts aren’t strangers to therapy and, as a result, have spent a lot of time working on themselves and their relationships. They have learned critical relationship skills, including how to identify, process and communicate their emotions and to set personal boundaries while respecting the lines drawn by others. Recovering addicts don’t expect perfection in their partners, having learned firsthand that it doesn’t exist. And they have committed – in recovery and in life – to honesty and integrity and making decisions in accordance with their values.
Men and women learn a lot in recovery, not just about staying sober but living a happy, satisfying life. They don’t need to be taken care of; they learned how to do that for themselves. Some are deeply spiritual people whose lives are infused with meaning and purpose, while others volunteer in their communities or have interesting hobbies that keep them grounded. Because recovery is a lifelong process, recovering addicts are in a perpetual state of self-improvement.
Despite having a thorny past, recovering addicts can be some of the healthiest, most put-together individuals you’ll meet – with a few important stipulations. First, the recovering addict should have at least one year of sobriety, and preferably many more. Second, they should be actively working a program of recovery – attending meetings, volunteering, practicing self-care and so on – not just begrudgingly staying away from drugs and alcohol while addictive patterns fester. These provisos are in place to give addicts a fair shot at lasting recovery and to protect the people they might date from falling for someone who is unhealthy, unavailable or worse.
Sometimes Love Just Ain’t Enough
Just as important as assessing the recovering addict’s status is understanding your own. What are your beliefs about addiction? Does addiction strike a nerve with you, perhaps because there’s an addict in your family? Although research has refuted outdated assumptions about addiction, surveys have shown that people judge addicts (even recovering ones) more harshly than people struggling with obesity, depression and even schizophrenia. If you believe addiction is a sign of weakness or a character flaw, dating a recovering addict probably isn’t for you.
Sometimes if your alarm bells are ringing, there is good reason. When you bring a recovering addict into your inner circle, their choices and lifestyle can have significant bearing not only on their health and well-being but also your own. As a chronic brain disease, the threat of relapse is ever-present – an estimated 40 to 60 percent of addicts relapse – and watching someone you love spiral out of control can be one of the most horrific experiences of your life. Of course, not all addicts relapse and those that do are often able to get back on track before too much damage is done, but the threat is there nevertheless.
If you move forward with the relationship, be aware of a few unique aspects of dating someone in recovery. For instance, depending on the recovering addict’s particular needs, you may need to avoid drinking or using drugs around them or stop going to certain types of social events. They may need to meet with a sponsor or attend support group meetings at inconvenient times and your support in encouraging them to do so is essential. It isn’t your job to safeguard their sobriety, and someone firmly grounded in recovery won’t expect you to, but as a member of their support network you’ll need to encourage them to prioritize their recovery, sometimes even over you.
You also need to assess how much baggage you can handle. Addicts tend to do crazy things. They may have accrued debts, a criminal record or legal problems, or irrevocably damaged key relationships in their lives that make your interactions with their family and friends tenuous. You may hear wild stories of drug-fueled sexscapades or run into slippery characters from their past. All of these can be difficult to understand, so you have to honestly evaluate and communicate your tolerance level.
After evaluating all of the pros and cons, the real question isn’t whether you should date a recovering addict, but whether the person has the qualities you want in a romantic partner. In the end, it’s a very personal decision that you have to make: Is dating a recovering addict a deal-breaker for you?
A past problem with drugs or alcohol shouldn't automatically scare you away
by David Sack, M.D. (Psychology Today)
After dating one dud after another, you finally find someone who seems to have it all – thoughtful, witty, responsible – and good-looking to boot. Then they drop a bomb: “I used to be a drug addict.” They may as well have said, “I’m married.” But does one partner being in recovery automatically spell doom for a relationship?
Healthy Recovery, Healthy Relationships
Most recovering addicts aren’t strangers to therapy and, as a result, have spent a lot of time working on themselves and their relationships. They have learned critical relationship skills, including how to identify, process and communicate their emotions and to set personal boundaries while respecting the lines drawn by others. Recovering addicts don’t expect perfection in their partners, having learned firsthand that it doesn’t exist. And they have committed – in recovery and in life – to honesty and integrity and making decisions in accordance with their values.
Men and women learn a lot in recovery, not just about staying sober but living a happy, satisfying life. They don’t need to be taken care of; they learned how to do that for themselves. Some are deeply spiritual people whose lives are infused with meaning and purpose, while others volunteer in their communities or have interesting hobbies that keep them grounded. Because recovery is a lifelong process, recovering addicts are in a perpetual state of self-improvement.
Despite having a thorny past, recovering addicts can be some of the healthiest, most put-together individuals you’ll meet – with a few important stipulations. First, the recovering addict should have at least one year of sobriety, and preferably many more. Second, they should be actively working a program of recovery – attending meetings, volunteering, practicing self-care and so on – not just begrudgingly staying away from drugs and alcohol while addictive patterns fester. These provisos are in place to give addicts a fair shot at lasting recovery and to protect the people they might date from falling for someone who is unhealthy, unavailable or worse.
Sometimes Love Just Ain’t Enough
Just as important as assessing the recovering addict’s status is understanding your own. What are your beliefs about addiction? Does addiction strike a nerve with you, perhaps because there’s an addict in your family? Although research has refuted outdated assumptions about addiction, surveys have shown that people judge addicts (even recovering ones) more harshly than people struggling with obesity, depression and even schizophrenia. If you believe addiction is a sign of weakness or a character flaw, dating a recovering addict probably isn’t for you.
Sometimes if your alarm bells are ringing, there is good reason. When you bring a recovering addict into your inner circle, their choices and lifestyle can have significant bearing not only on their health and well-being but also your own. As a chronic brain disease, the threat of relapse is ever-present – an estimated 40 to 60 percent of addicts relapse – and watching someone you love spiral out of control can be one of the most horrific experiences of your life. Of course, not all addicts relapse and those that do are often able to get back on track before too much damage is done, but the threat is there nevertheless.
If you move forward with the relationship, be aware of a few unique aspects of dating someone in recovery. For instance, depending on the recovering addict’s particular needs, you may need to avoid drinking or using drugs around them or stop going to certain types of social events. They may need to meet with a sponsor or attend support group meetings at inconvenient times and your support in encouraging them to do so is essential. It isn’t your job to safeguard their sobriety, and someone firmly grounded in recovery won’t expect you to, but as a member of their support network you’ll need to encourage them to prioritize their recovery, sometimes even over you.
You also need to assess how much baggage you can handle. Addicts tend to do crazy things. They may have accrued debts, a criminal record or legal problems, or irrevocably damaged key relationships in their lives that make your interactions with their family and friends tenuous. You may hear wild stories of drug-fueled sexscapades or run into slippery characters from their past. All of these can be difficult to understand, so you have to honestly evaluate and communicate your tolerance level.
After evaluating all of the pros and cons, the real question isn’t whether you should date a recovering addict, but whether the person has the qualities you want in a romantic partner. In the end, it’s a very personal decision that you have to make: Is dating a recovering addict a deal-breaker for you?
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Is dating a recovering addict a deal-breaker for you?
Doesn't mean I don't care about the addict, or respect the addict. It means it's not a good match for me given my own wiring.
ZoSo
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 431
Deal breaker - hard boundary, no exceptions for me.
I feel empathy for a recovering addict and friends is fine but a relationship is not something I would want. It doesn't mean they aren't a good person or deserving of a relationship, it just means they aren't the person for me. I have certain things I need in a partner and one of them is reliability - given the relapse rates it's just too big of risk for me and for that reason I wouldn't be a good partner to them either. So it's a two way street but still a no.
I feel empathy for a recovering addict and friends is fine but a relationship is not something I would want. It doesn't mean they aren't a good person or deserving of a relationship, it just means they aren't the person for me. I have certain things I need in a partner and one of them is reliability - given the relapse rates it's just too big of risk for me and for that reason I wouldn't be a good partner to them either. So it's a two way street but still a no.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 26
If I were in the dating scene and not married it would be a deal breaker for me.
Most (not all-but the majority) of the addicts that I have known have not been the "self aware pro-counseling" ones as mentioned in the article.
I know there are always exceptions to the rule and believing in giving people the benefit of the doubt, but in my personal experience I have had my family torn apart by an addict & been the one to always fix everyone.
Most (not all-but the majority) of the addicts that I have known have not been the "self aware pro-counseling" ones as mentioned in the article.
I know there are always exceptions to the rule and believing in giving people the benefit of the doubt, but in my personal experience I have had my family torn apart by an addict & been the one to always fix everyone.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 1,423
As an ex meth addict (7yrs drug free) dating a recovering alcoholic (11months sober) I can tell you that you do need to have strong boundaries, realise there is a risk of relapse & take one day at a time.
Communication is very very important.
Each person must continue to live their own lives & be responsible for themselves.
For me, I will never return to drugs nor mix with people who use, it's not what I want for myself.
For my recovering alcoholic boyfriend who wishes to never return to alcohol, there is still an element of risk in dating him for me but I can't live in fear, hence the one day at a time is very important.
Just my 50cents worth.
Communication is very very important.
Each person must continue to live their own lives & be responsible for themselves.
For me, I will never return to drugs nor mix with people who use, it's not what I want for myself.
For my recovering alcoholic boyfriend who wishes to never return to alcohol, there is still an element of risk in dating him for me but I can't live in fear, hence the one day at a time is very important.
Just my 50cents worth.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
It's wise to proceed with caution no matter who you date.
I think it would depend on the length of recovery and how solid it was.
My son used to tell new girlfriends that he had 5 months or 5 years recovery, when in fact he didn't have 5 minutes.
It pays to take things slow, getting to really know the person well and being sure they are truthful and diligent in their recovery.
Like Zoso suggested, for those who have been badly wounded by addiction through the years, it might be wise to avoid it altogether.
I think it would depend on the length of recovery and how solid it was.
My son used to tell new girlfriends that he had 5 months or 5 years recovery, when in fact he didn't have 5 minutes.
It pays to take things slow, getting to really know the person well and being sure they are truthful and diligent in their recovery.
Like Zoso suggested, for those who have been badly wounded by addiction through the years, it might be wise to avoid it altogether.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: In the Middle
Posts: 632
It makes it difficult to confide in the person you are dating. Especially later in life. If I was to ever date again.. I think it would be essential that I told them.
I would be heartbroken if because of my "lifestyle" 4+ years ago that someone would throw me out because of past mistakes.
I agree it is a choice. Everyone has a right to have deal breakers.
I'm glad I don't have to worry about it.. because if my marriage fails and addiction kills it... I know I won't be looking for any sort of romantic relationship for a long long long long long long time.
I would be heartbroken if because of my "lifestyle" 4+ years ago that someone would throw me out because of past mistakes.
I agree it is a choice. Everyone has a right to have deal breakers.
I'm glad I don't have to worry about it.. because if my marriage fails and addiction kills it... I know I won't be looking for any sort of romantic relationship for a long long long long long long time.
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,057
Deal breaker. Now that I've been down Madness Lane a few times, no thank you. No way.
I believe it can work, and I mean no disrespect to the remarkable recovering addicts here and in my personal circles. But I could never do it again. No trust left for that sort of thing.
I believe it can work, and I mean no disrespect to the remarkable recovering addicts here and in my personal circles. But I could never do it again. No trust left for that sort of thing.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 731
I probably wouldn't take the risk given my current situation....
Look at how he is treating his recovery...is he working at it? Or is he just sober with no meetings; counseling; sponsor; etc?
There is risk to any relationship...cheating; health issues; etc. However addiction is a different animal.
Look at how he is treating his recovery...is he working at it? Or is he just sober with no meetings; counseling; sponsor; etc?
There is risk to any relationship...cheating; health issues; etc. However addiction is a different animal.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 499
Never again. I understand now that addicts are not good partners for me, and I'm a terrible partner for an addict. Being an ACoA means that I already have extreme trust and control issues even in ideal circumstances, once you throw addiction into the mix I simply can't handle the stress and uncertainty. I turn into somebody that I don't like. This is also why I don't think I would be able to recover from infidelity. Pile codependency on top of all that and it becomes a very unhealthy, very combative relationship with a quickness.
Strangely, in the situation I never immediately recognize how scared I am - rather I turn into a manipulative power broker, constantly aware of who has the upper hand. I trade on looks, sex, jealousy, intelligence... anything except for honesty and love; it is some very sick sh*t. But it's all an illusion to hide my vulnerability. In the end I just end up feeling bad about myself no matter how things play out.
Strangely, in the situation I never immediately recognize how scared I am - rather I turn into a manipulative power broker, constantly aware of who has the upper hand. I trade on looks, sex, jealousy, intelligence... anything except for honesty and love; it is some very sick sh*t. But it's all an illusion to hide my vulnerability. In the end I just end up feeling bad about myself no matter how things play out.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
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Pravchaw - for me drug use was a way of exploration of my own mind (if that makes any sense). Marijuana especially. I felt that there was nothing wrong with it. I was totally convinced my life was okay smoking it. It is highly addictive. I only stopped because it was expensive, and mostly because I cut off most of my "then" friends ... to be a good mom.
So, like cynical said.. something changed in my life that planted a seed that made me want to change. Ultimately after I stopped for a long period of time, I realized I didn't like being high anymore and that it made me stupid. I still would smoke it once in awhile for stress (but have not) because of it being illegal. I agree it has a medicinal purpose, but it can be chronically abused at the same time. Like I was doing.
Ultimately compulsive behavior, is in-born. Drugs are addictive for many reasons.
So, like cynical said.. something changed in my life that planted a seed that made me want to change. Ultimately after I stopped for a long period of time, I realized I didn't like being high anymore and that it made me stupid. I still would smoke it once in awhile for stress (but have not) because of it being illegal. I agree it has a medicinal purpose, but it can be chronically abused at the same time. Like I was doing.
Ultimately compulsive behavior, is in-born. Drugs are addictive for many reasons.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I think a variety of answers have been given, posts debating both sides of the point have been removed before war broke out, and all is well.
That said, this thread is now closed. Let's all go welcome a newcomer.
That said, this thread is now closed. Let's all go welcome a newcomer.
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