choublak

How does being helpful come into play? As in, helping with tasks around the house, helping clear the table at dinner. I was taught that I should always offer to help because it shows good manners.

dandylion

Choublak---you have to ask for what you want. A lot of men just are never taught about the responsibility of housework.

I think it is important to keep in mind that we are all different people--with different life experiences and and perceptions. Jus because we feel or think a certain way--doesn't mean that others could or necessarily should do the same.

We shouldn't expect others to be "mind readers" and then resent or punish them if they didn't read our minds. I'm not saying that you are necessarily being exactly this......
This is just my response to your question.

dandylion

choublak

No, I'm saying that I myself am not very helpful by nature, but can make an effort to be helpful if necessary. However, because I am in a relationship with an RA, I've completely stopped being helpful because I don't want to be codependent or enabling.

suki44883

As long as you aren't worrying unnecessarily about, or trying to control his sobriety, then you aren't being co-dependent. Doing something for someone when they are perfectly able to do it themselves is co-dependent and enabling. Trying to clean up their messes is enabling.

Leana

Choublak
Early in our marriage, I was a stay at home mom with 2 toddlers, (1 with disabilities). I was overwhelmed. I sat my husband down and said "you need to pick 1 major inside household chore and be totally responsible for it I don't want to ever have to think about it again." He choose the laundry. I literally have not done a load of laundry, even folded a t-shirt, in almost 25 years.

(And by the way, at first, yes we had pink wash; my kids also went to pre-school with clothes so wrinkled they looked like the slept in them; and he once machine washed a beautiful cashmere sweater. But I never said a word.) And today- that man can get a stain out of any fabric!

That probably didn't answer your question either but maybe it helps.

choublak

My boyfriend's paternal grandfather was an alcoholic. He died at about 55 years of age, in the hospital, the doctors had told him he had five months to live but he said the doctors were wrong and drank himself to death trying to prove the doctors wrong. My boyfriend hadn't been born yet.

The grandmother is really helpful and I can't help but wonder if she weren't so helpful he might have found recovery and would still be alive.

suki44883

I've heard it said that we can love our addicts right into the grave. Never allowing them to feel the full effect of their bad decisions doesn't do them any favors.

choublak

I think, I resent the grandmother for being too helpful.

dandylion

Choublak, you m ay have to forgive her because she probably didn't know anything else to do! Of course, if he wanted to drink--she wouldn't have been able to stop him. If he wanted to get sober....she couldn't have stopped that either.

dandylion

Upsetnneedhelp

Your not enabling unless if you are helping with the housework. Your enabling if you are cleaning up his vomit, beer can and liquor bottles. My ex use to have literally mountains of empty tall boy beer cans throughout the house.

allforcnm

I think it depends on what the helping is... in your first post you mentioned clearing the table and cleaning up dishes.. I dont think that is enabling, or necessarily codependent. But then I don't believe in the concept that doing anything for anyone that they can do themselves is codependent. It really depends on the thought process / feeling behind the actions.

choublak

Even recently at my boyfriend's mom's house, she would be constantly asking my boyfriend's mom if she could help with anything. Hearing her asking if she could help, that was a major trigger for me. From what I understand, there was a decade-long battle trying to get him to stop drinking, back before my boyfriend and I were born, and I think his wife (this grandmother) made it even more difficult with her overly helpful nature. I also can't help but feel anger and resentment toward the deceased grandfather for taking advantage of the grandmother's helpfulness as a means to keep drinking.

Of course, I don't know much of this to be true; I'm speculating.

CarryOn

Your BF's grandmother & your feelings towards her remind me of my RAH's mother. MIL was very "helpful" to her husband and sons...she would do everything for them...including cut FIL's steak for him. After FIL died, she continued to be excessively helpful around her sons, but I also really began to see her lack of self-esteem & how manipulative she was. She died three years ago...RAH's relapse started about 18 months ago...I started counseling a year ago. Now, I know that MIL was a RAGING codependent. So, maybe take a step back and look at grandma to see where she is coming from...she doesn't know any other way and likely won't learn one now.

As for being helpful...be responsible for yourself, your home, your things. Treat BF the way you want to be treated while not doing things for him that he is capable of. Did BF make dinner? Then certainly clear the table & do the dishes. Or, ask to do it together so you can move on to something else you enjoy. Being helpful is being considerate when you are shown the same consideration. Being codependent is doing things for others they can do for themselves.

choublak

I don't understand how she's so pleasant...and I don't think she became an active, long-term member of Al-Anon. I've tried endlessly to no avail to ask her about her early life, but she gives NO information about her late husband. I've given up prying for information about how she dealt with him - another reason I resent her.

CarryOn

Even more like my MIL than I thought. Very pleasant to most everyone - part of the reason it took me a few years to realize her manipulative nature. It was a facade she presented for the world. Inside, she was depressed, she had terrible self-esteem (which she tried to fill with material possessions), she could never ask for what she actually needed or wanted, etc. She lived seven years after FIL passed, but she had no idea who she was or how to figure it out so she was miserable - by the time she passed, we really believed that she wanted to die or was simply waiting to die. She was not active in Alanon.

She also did not like to discuss her family or her past. RAH & his brother were called at 9pm on a Thursday that "daddy" was sick in the hospital and they should come see him...we lived several hours away so they made it just in time to see him before he died at 5am. The week prior he was doing great...on the mend...nothing to worry about...no need to visit. When she died, they found their parents' wedding certificate - they were actually married two years later than their sons believed. They lied to them their entire lives because she was pregnant with their older son when they married.

I had a terrible relationship with MIL. Knowing what I know now, I would have lowered my expectations of her and made more of an effort to just spend time with her - not necessarily talk, but just "be" in her presence. I do think that was when she was happiest - just being around her children & grandchildren. I'd like to think that I would have tried harder to appreciate her positive attributes as well and maybe been able to help build her confidence. Truly, it's sad because her life could have been so much more, she could have been happy - regardless of whether or not she stayed with FIL.