Growing up sucks.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 31
Growing up sucks.
Im 20 now and one of my biggest cravings is remembering my teenage years in high school. I miss hanging out with friends and getting high. Back when I was ignorant to the fact I was an addict and what I was getting myself into.
It seems like everything now is so dull and lifeless. I have no direction in life, I have no idea what I wanna do if im sober. I just cant find a reason to stay sober. For me thinking of the negatives doesnt work....or hasn't yet. I cant think "Oh if you use you will lose this....this and this" and get motivated to be sober. I can't stay sober for other people either.
The only thing that has worked was staying sober so I could pursue bodybuilding. Which is looking at a positive of being sober. You obviously arent going to the gym when you are a heroin addict. But how healthy is it to have an obsession with your body and how you look to replace your drug addiction? Probably not good. It seems like besides that I havent found a good reason to help me stay motivated to stay sober. I can think of a ton of "good" reasons to stay sober....but none of which keep me motivated to do so.
Sometimes I feel like I was more alive as an addict then I am being sober. When you are using everything has intense highs and intense lows. More lows then highs obviously. While being sober is like flat lining on the hospital heart monitor thing. No ups and downs, or way more minor ups and downs. And right now it seems like mostly downs.
I know people are gunna tell me to be grateful for the things i have. And i have a ton to be grateful for which I am deep down. But on the surface I'm not. I dont know how to bring myself to feel the things im grateful for. All im focused on is what I dont have. I dont have any direction in life, Im not satisfied, Im not happy.
Ill have 8 months clean from my drug of choice on december 6th. But ive already relapsed on codiene a few times in the past month or 2. So I figure I met aswell go full out. The demon has been awakened and all i do is think about dope 24/7 now. So the addict has already decided im relapsing next week when my order arrives. Luckily due to the connection and method of delivery i have I could only possibly use once every 3 weeks roughly. I plan on using once so I can officially start over and say I ****** up.
People will probably think im crazy when they read this. But I just wanted to vent. thanks for listening.
It seems like everything now is so dull and lifeless. I have no direction in life, I have no idea what I wanna do if im sober. I just cant find a reason to stay sober. For me thinking of the negatives doesnt work....or hasn't yet. I cant think "Oh if you use you will lose this....this and this" and get motivated to be sober. I can't stay sober for other people either.
The only thing that has worked was staying sober so I could pursue bodybuilding. Which is looking at a positive of being sober. You obviously arent going to the gym when you are a heroin addict. But how healthy is it to have an obsession with your body and how you look to replace your drug addiction? Probably not good. It seems like besides that I havent found a good reason to help me stay motivated to stay sober. I can think of a ton of "good" reasons to stay sober....but none of which keep me motivated to do so.
Sometimes I feel like I was more alive as an addict then I am being sober. When you are using everything has intense highs and intense lows. More lows then highs obviously. While being sober is like flat lining on the hospital heart monitor thing. No ups and downs, or way more minor ups and downs. And right now it seems like mostly downs.
I know people are gunna tell me to be grateful for the things i have. And i have a ton to be grateful for which I am deep down. But on the surface I'm not. I dont know how to bring myself to feel the things im grateful for. All im focused on is what I dont have. I dont have any direction in life, Im not satisfied, Im not happy.
Ill have 8 months clean from my drug of choice on december 6th. But ive already relapsed on codiene a few times in the past month or 2. So I figure I met aswell go full out. The demon has been awakened and all i do is think about dope 24/7 now. So the addict has already decided im relapsing next week when my order arrives. Luckily due to the connection and method of delivery i have I could only possibly use once every 3 weeks roughly. I plan on using once so I can officially start over and say I ****** up.
People will probably think im crazy when they read this. But I just wanted to vent. thanks for listening.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: New Hampshire
Posts: 377
You are not crazy at all, just being engulfed by that demon you wrote about. Have you thought about AA/NA? You can take from it what you want, but when I started going, just seeing and hearing the people that have been changed by sobriety was a motivator for me.
Unfortunately, like you, I recently felt like my life was dull without drinking and I gave in, and I totally regret it! I NEVER want to go back to the dark place. I used to just do what I had to do to survive (drink) and now I want to live.
Hang in there, you can do this.
Unfortunately, like you, I recently felt like my life was dull without drinking and I gave in, and I totally regret it! I NEVER want to go back to the dark place. I used to just do what I had to do to survive (drink) and now I want to live.
Hang in there, you can do this.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
congrats on your efforts.
what do you do with the rest of your life?
do you work? live on your own? go to school?Have a relationship with someone?
maybe you can find some purpose in preparing to have a life where you succeed in both sobriety and moving towards these things.
do you have a career path in mind?
what do you do with the rest of your life?
do you work? live on your own? go to school?Have a relationship with someone?
maybe you can find some purpose in preparing to have a life where you succeed in both sobriety and moving towards these things.
do you have a career path in mind?
Self recovered Self discovered
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Toronto Canada
Posts: 5,148
FallenAlien, I think you have the answer to your motivation in your post. I mention this because I was the same way.
You say that the negative consequences of using aren't enough to make you stop, and I think many of us are exactly the same. We continue to drink or use even as our life drives lower and lower.
But you also said that you stopped using so that you could improve your physique, that this was something you knew you couldn't have if you were using.
When I quit drinking, I made two lists. I listed the bad things that would happen if I continued to drink, but I also listed the good things I could have and do when I finally got around to quitting drinking for good. On the second lists were things like a marriage, a home, a job, hobbies and friends, and a little happiness once in a while. The second list was what pushed my thinking over the edge to changing my life and deciding to be sober forever. SMART calls this a cost/benefit analysis, and it focuses on the positive aspects of not using rather than the negative aspects of using. Maybe this will work for you too.
As for the excitement of using, and the boredom of staying straight, a big part of this is your messed up dopamine system. I understand that nothing will ring the bells like your DoC, but after a while, there is that emptiness where those dopamine receptors are pinging saying FEED ME. You have to believe that they settle down after a while because they do. And hitting the gym is a great way to generate natural endorphins, and there are others too. One of them is the knowledge deep in your heart that you are doing the right thing.
Since you are writing here, you know that using again will not take you anywhere good. And you know that messing with codeine and freezers is not a way to live either. You deserve a good life, FallenAlien, and you can have one too. Just do the next right thing first, and make a plan about how you see your life. Then do it!
You say that the negative consequences of using aren't enough to make you stop, and I think many of us are exactly the same. We continue to drink or use even as our life drives lower and lower.
But you also said that you stopped using so that you could improve your physique, that this was something you knew you couldn't have if you were using.
When I quit drinking, I made two lists. I listed the bad things that would happen if I continued to drink, but I also listed the good things I could have and do when I finally got around to quitting drinking for good. On the second lists were things like a marriage, a home, a job, hobbies and friends, and a little happiness once in a while. The second list was what pushed my thinking over the edge to changing my life and deciding to be sober forever. SMART calls this a cost/benefit analysis, and it focuses on the positive aspects of not using rather than the negative aspects of using. Maybe this will work for you too.
As for the excitement of using, and the boredom of staying straight, a big part of this is your messed up dopamine system. I understand that nothing will ring the bells like your DoC, but after a while, there is that emptiness where those dopamine receptors are pinging saying FEED ME. You have to believe that they settle down after a while because they do. And hitting the gym is a great way to generate natural endorphins, and there are others too. One of them is the knowledge deep in your heart that you are doing the right thing.
Since you are writing here, you know that using again will not take you anywhere good. And you know that messing with codeine and freezers is not a way to live either. You deserve a good life, FallenAlien, and you can have one too. Just do the next right thing first, and make a plan about how you see your life. Then do it!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,238
Growing up for me merely means acquired
knowledge and wisdom. Age is merely a
number. In my mid 50's with 23yrs sobriety,
Im still young at heart and mind with knowledge
and wisdom learned over the years.
I enjoy feeling young, looking young and
yet a little more knowledgable about life
and addiction now than I did years ago.
Living a sober life is the fountain of youth
for me.
knowledge and wisdom. Age is merely a
number. In my mid 50's with 23yrs sobriety,
Im still young at heart and mind with knowledge
and wisdom learned over the years.
I enjoy feeling young, looking young and
yet a little more knowledgable about life
and addiction now than I did years ago.
Living a sober life is the fountain of youth
for me.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: MI
Posts: 452
Doesn't sound crazy to me. The feelings you describe sound pretty typical. I'm not sure what you are doing as far as a recovery program goes, but you know that you can't simply eliminate the drug and keep everything else the same, right?
In my life, I've discovered that the thing that brings me the most lasting personal satisfaction, sense of fulfillment, and meaning is doing things that make a positive difference in the lives of other people. Helping others. Service. This gives me my "high." Makes me feel that my life has meaning, that it matters that I'm here, and boosts my self-esteem. There is research to suggest that this is the key to happiness for most people. It explains why service is a very important component of AA/NA and 12-step recovery programs, and is part of why they work for so many people.
Your post suggests that you are very focused on YOU - what can I have, what can I get, presuming that doing FOR YOU, getting the right thing FOR YOU will make you happy. Even the body-building thing demonstrates that focus. Apart from the addiction issue, this is pretty typical 20-year-old thinking. You might try balancing that out with a little "other-focus." What can you do to make a positive difference in the lives of other people? What kind of volunteer work can you do? What can you contribute at an NA meeting? This is really not as altruistic as it sounds - this is the best way (at least in my experience) to get YOU the feelings of happiness and self-satisfaction and self-worth that you crave, in a lasting, productive way that could lead to other life improvements, like positive, helpful connections with people that could lead to a meaningful career path. The relapse approach that you are contemplating may give you the temporary "rush," but ultimately leads downward - no lasting positive benefits, no development of helpful, positive relationships, no likely development of career opportunities.
In my life, I've discovered that the thing that brings me the most lasting personal satisfaction, sense of fulfillment, and meaning is doing things that make a positive difference in the lives of other people. Helping others. Service. This gives me my "high." Makes me feel that my life has meaning, that it matters that I'm here, and boosts my self-esteem. There is research to suggest that this is the key to happiness for most people. It explains why service is a very important component of AA/NA and 12-step recovery programs, and is part of why they work for so many people.
Your post suggests that you are very focused on YOU - what can I have, what can I get, presuming that doing FOR YOU, getting the right thing FOR YOU will make you happy. Even the body-building thing demonstrates that focus. Apart from the addiction issue, this is pretty typical 20-year-old thinking. You might try balancing that out with a little "other-focus." What can you do to make a positive difference in the lives of other people? What kind of volunteer work can you do? What can you contribute at an NA meeting? This is really not as altruistic as it sounds - this is the best way (at least in my experience) to get YOU the feelings of happiness and self-satisfaction and self-worth that you crave, in a lasting, productive way that could lead to other life improvements, like positive, helpful connections with people that could lead to a meaningful career path. The relapse approach that you are contemplating may give you the temporary "rush," but ultimately leads downward - no lasting positive benefits, no development of helpful, positive relationships, no likely development of career opportunities.
Grateful to be free
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Arizona
Posts: 3,680
Awesome honest post! Thanks.
What stuck out for me in your post is that you (like SO many of us) associate what you are feeling or going through in life with partying or lack there of. I think many of us who abuse substances turn to them because of some skewed idea about our life, feelings etc. That what we feel isn't right or normal and we NEED to do something to change it.
Honestly everything you are feeling, seems like 80% of people your age, whether they have had a substance issue or not, feel. It's that stage of life when we are asking those questions and feeling those hollows and angsts. It's normal, natural and probably healthy and useful because it brings us to a point of action.
In other words, it's nothing to drink over, trying different (healthy) things is a good thing, may have to try a variety of things.
Growing up is a series of these sorts of stages and moods...what made us happy and fulfilled yesterday doesn't any more..and we can accept that, and move onto new things, or fight it and keep trying to make what was fun yesterday be fun today. Growing up requires being willing to let go of yesterdays activities and perspectives, and move on to new, unknown ones.
I'm near 50 and am going through it again. Can't do things I did before that I enjoyed, some of them are just boring now...so now what? Drink away my angst...or take on new challenges in life? There is a tendency to say "oh dear, what a failure I am...how can I be 48 and not know what I want to do when I grow up?!" or laugh and say "on to the next adventure!"
What stuck out for me in your post is that you (like SO many of us) associate what you are feeling or going through in life with partying or lack there of. I think many of us who abuse substances turn to them because of some skewed idea about our life, feelings etc. That what we feel isn't right or normal and we NEED to do something to change it.
Honestly everything you are feeling, seems like 80% of people your age, whether they have had a substance issue or not, feel. It's that stage of life when we are asking those questions and feeling those hollows and angsts. It's normal, natural and probably healthy and useful because it brings us to a point of action.
In other words, it's nothing to drink over, trying different (healthy) things is a good thing, may have to try a variety of things.
Growing up is a series of these sorts of stages and moods...what made us happy and fulfilled yesterday doesn't any more..and we can accept that, and move onto new things, or fight it and keep trying to make what was fun yesterday be fun today. Growing up requires being willing to let go of yesterdays activities and perspectives, and move on to new, unknown ones.
I'm near 50 and am going through it again. Can't do things I did before that I enjoyed, some of them are just boring now...so now what? Drink away my angst...or take on new challenges in life? There is a tendency to say "oh dear, what a failure I am...how can I be 48 and not know what I want to do when I grow up?!" or laugh and say "on to the next adventure!"
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Scandinavia
Posts: 1,344
When you say all the way – are you talking about heroin?
Can you reach out to someone and get some face to face support.
You have struggled hard to get so far – do not give it up now.
It is hard sometimes but it is also a very hard road you are going into now.
Can you reach out to someone and get some face to face support.
You have struggled hard to get so far – do not give it up now.
It is hard sometimes but it is also a very hard road you are going into now.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,443
some great advice here Alien
what I didn't realise in my 20s is what I did then set up my future...the result was I had the longest adolescence in history.
I thought that would be fun...but it wasn't. 40 year olds acting like 18 yos, or hanging with kids half their age is not a good look
We're meant to grow up, take on responsibilities and learn that we're not immortal.
The funny thing is I have more joy in my life now than I ever did on the party circuit...that gets empty real fast.
when I have fun these days its actually fun now
D
what I didn't realise in my 20s is what I did then set up my future...the result was I had the longest adolescence in history.
I thought that would be fun...but it wasn't. 40 year olds acting like 18 yos, or hanging with kids half their age is not a good look
We're meant to grow up, take on responsibilities and learn that we're not immortal.
The funny thing is I have more joy in my life now than I ever did on the party circuit...that gets empty real fast.
when I have fun these days its actually fun now
D
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
Hi Alien.
I imagine that, due to your heroine use, you haven't often developed healthy relationships, have closed doors in places like work and school that would otherwise be open, and generally have felt ill-equipped to plan your future, to say nothing about acting on those plans.
You don't have to get everything done right now, but how long are you willing to put off living life?
I imagine that, due to your heroine use, you haven't often developed healthy relationships, have closed doors in places like work and school that would otherwise be open, and generally have felt ill-equipped to plan your future, to say nothing about acting on those plans.
You don't have to get everything done right now, but how long are you willing to put off living life?
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