Confused and Alone going through this.....help?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Dana Point, CA
Posts: 3
Confused and Alone going through this.....help?
Hello everyone,
Good to meet you. I work from home and over the past year have found it very hard to not drink every day, earlier and earlier each day. I don't get completely drunk, but I drink for hours on end until midnight or so and apparently my fiance has had a major problem with it. It hasn't affected my work or money or anything like that, I guess he just can't stand the smell of alcohol on my breath. I know it isn't healthy because I go through a big bottle of vodka every other day.
Last Wednesday he came out and called me an alcoholic to my face. I was in shock and argued with him over it. It does run in my family, my mother, father, and grandfather have all had problems with it. So I decided I would not have another drink.
Today is Sunday and I have not had a drink since Wednesday night and I am quite proud of myself. Normally on Sunday's my fiance and I go to the bar to watch football. When he was ready to leave today he asked if I was going with him and I told him I shouldn't because if I am at a bar I know I will want to drink and that wouldn't be good. Instead of saying something like "I understand" or "Good idea", he got upset with me and told me I should have told him I wasn't going to go with him earlier so he wasn't waiting for me.
Honestly all that makes me want to do now is go have a drink but I am trying very hard not to. Is he being mean? What should I tell him I need from him as far as support without provoking a fight? How have most of you handled asking for support from your spouses?
He is a very judgmental person. I also smoke cigarettes and he cannot stand that but I can only quit one thing at a time. He is not a very affectionate person and believes everyone should just be able to quit whatever and move on. He has never had an addiction to anything either. He is 29 I am 37. My job is very stressful even though I work from home. I pay all the bills, 3/4 of the rent, take care of cleaning the house, buy him little things he likes for no reason at all. He doesn't make any effort in the relationship, not even to initiate love making.
I don't want this to sound like it is about the relationship I am just trying to give a perspective on the type of person i am dealing with that I need to talk to and ask for support from. Like a robot. He is all I have and I have to work through this and am not strong enough to do it alone.
Any thoughts would be appreciated. Thank you very, very much.
Natalie.
Good to meet you. I work from home and over the past year have found it very hard to not drink every day, earlier and earlier each day. I don't get completely drunk, but I drink for hours on end until midnight or so and apparently my fiance has had a major problem with it. It hasn't affected my work or money or anything like that, I guess he just can't stand the smell of alcohol on my breath. I know it isn't healthy because I go through a big bottle of vodka every other day.
Last Wednesday he came out and called me an alcoholic to my face. I was in shock and argued with him over it. It does run in my family, my mother, father, and grandfather have all had problems with it. So I decided I would not have another drink.
Today is Sunday and I have not had a drink since Wednesday night and I am quite proud of myself. Normally on Sunday's my fiance and I go to the bar to watch football. When he was ready to leave today he asked if I was going with him and I told him I shouldn't because if I am at a bar I know I will want to drink and that wouldn't be good. Instead of saying something like "I understand" or "Good idea", he got upset with me and told me I should have told him I wasn't going to go with him earlier so he wasn't waiting for me.
Honestly all that makes me want to do now is go have a drink but I am trying very hard not to. Is he being mean? What should I tell him I need from him as far as support without provoking a fight? How have most of you handled asking for support from your spouses?
He is a very judgmental person. I also smoke cigarettes and he cannot stand that but I can only quit one thing at a time. He is not a very affectionate person and believes everyone should just be able to quit whatever and move on. He has never had an addiction to anything either. He is 29 I am 37. My job is very stressful even though I work from home. I pay all the bills, 3/4 of the rent, take care of cleaning the house, buy him little things he likes for no reason at all. He doesn't make any effort in the relationship, not even to initiate love making.
I don't want this to sound like it is about the relationship I am just trying to give a perspective on the type of person i am dealing with that I need to talk to and ask for support from. Like a robot. He is all I have and I have to work through this and am not strong enough to do it alone.
Any thoughts would be appreciated. Thank you very, very much.
Natalie.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,757
to SR! He doesn't sound very supportive to me. Can you and he have a sincere talk about it? As much as it would be nice to have his support, you must be able to get sober on your own, without it. His support would be great, but you shouldn't expect it.I'm glad you found us and joined the family.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Dana Point, CA
Posts: 3
I know I can do it on my own, I can find the strength, it is just so hard when the one you love and live with doesn't take what you are going through into account. For instance, he won't ever think about me quitting drinking and will probably buy alcohol for himself and keep it in the house without a thought about me quitting. Anything I say to him about it will most likely turn into an argument because he takes everything as a personal attack. He will say something like it isn't his problem.
Magsie
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 26,640
Hi Natalie welcome to SR.
My husband is similar but I think after reading on SR and others experiences, what my husband went through while I was drinking and put up with from me, he now has someone completely different.
So although I think I've done great,and I know I have, but haven't got appreciated for it, I realise I have a lot of mending our relationship and as a member mentioned, baby steps.
My husband is similar but I think after reading on SR and others experiences, what my husband went through while I was drinking and put up with from me, he now has someone completely different.
So although I think I've done great,and I know I have, but haven't got appreciated for it, I realise I have a lot of mending our relationship and as a member mentioned, baby steps.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Dana Point, CA
Posts: 3
Thank you everyone, it means a lot to be welcomed and read your responses. I decided to text him this just now to let him know how I feel about today:
"You called me an alcoholic so I'm taking it to heart and so I have quit drinking. When an alcoholic stops drinking they have to stop drinking altogether and not surround themselves in an environment where there is alcohol. You know that anytime I go to a bar or restaurant I always want to order a drink. If I'm an alcoholic or you think I'm an alcoholic, then quitting drinking means I cannot be around alcohol or be in those situations, especially when I am first quitting. I thought that maybe you would have realized that and instead of getting irritated with me that I didn't tell you I wasn't going to Fred's earlier, you would have shown some support and said something like "good idea I'm proud of you" or "I understand", or just not said anything about being irritated at all. I'm am personally proud of myself for not drinking these last few days. It would be nice to have your support especially since you're the one who called it out."
"You called me an alcoholic so I'm taking it to heart and so I have quit drinking. When an alcoholic stops drinking they have to stop drinking altogether and not surround themselves in an environment where there is alcohol. You know that anytime I go to a bar or restaurant I always want to order a drink. If I'm an alcoholic or you think I'm an alcoholic, then quitting drinking means I cannot be around alcohol or be in those situations, especially when I am first quitting. I thought that maybe you would have realized that and instead of getting irritated with me that I didn't tell you I wasn't going to Fred's earlier, you would have shown some support and said something like "good idea I'm proud of you" or "I understand", or just not said anything about being irritated at all. I'm am personally proud of myself for not drinking these last few days. It would be nice to have your support especially since you're the one who called it out."
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,469
And try to remember this is about you. You need to focus on your recovery and take the focus off your fiancé. It will take all your energy to begin to recover, so don't worry about his issues at this time.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Southern California
Posts: 318
Originally Posted by AshlingStone 
Thank you everyone, it means a lot to be welcomed and read your responses. I decided to text him this just now to let him know how I feel about today:
"You called me an alcoholic so I'm taking it to heart and so I have quit drinking. When an alcoholic stops drinking they have to stop drinking altogether and not surround themselves in an environment where there is alcohol. You know that anytime I go to a bar or restaurant I always want to order a drink. If I'm an alcoholic or you think I'm an alcoholic, then quitting drinking means I cannot be around alcohol or be in those situations, especially when I am first quitting. I thought that maybe you would have realized that and instead of getting irritated with me that I didn't tell you I wasn't going to Fred's earlier, you would have shown some support and said something like "good idea I'm proud of you" or "I understand", or just not said anything about being irritated at all. I'm am personally proud of myself for not drinking these last few days. It would be nice to have your support especially since you're the one who called it out."
"You called me an alcoholic so I'm taking it to heart and so I have quit drinking. When an alcoholic stops drinking they have to stop drinking altogether and not surround themselves in an environment where there is alcohol. You know that anytime I go to a bar or restaurant I always want to order a drink. If I'm an alcoholic or you think I'm an alcoholic, then quitting drinking means I cannot be around alcohol or be in those situations, especially when I am first quitting. I thought that maybe you would have realized that and instead of getting irritated with me that I didn't tell you I wasn't going to Fred's earlier, you would have shown some support and said something like "good idea I'm proud of you" or "I understand", or just not said anything about being irritated at all. I'm am personally proud of myself for not drinking these last few days. It would be nice to have your support especially since you're the one who called it out."
First of all, congratulations at taking the first steps towards being clean and sober. Secondly, I understand how difficult it can feel to not have your loved ones support, and, let's remember that it has not even been one week. This is very new for both of you. It will take time and effort getting used to the new environment.
Second, something that I noticed from what you said you texted your fiance- when discussing and confronting in situations such as these, what I do is start off with a lot of "I" statements. For example, "I am feeling that you don't support me when _______" or "I think it might help me if _______" This way, you are talking about your feelings and that is where the attention lies- it really helps in these discussions because then the individual you are talking with, in this case your fiance, will not feel like you are combating with him or telling him what you don't like about him causing him to get defensive.
Remember you're doing this for yourself, you can do it
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 1,022
You quit drinking! Good job!
I told my ex-girlfriend that I quit drinking, she hasn't spoken to me since that day so I didn't get a whole lot of support from that quarter. I think it's hard because people are often pretty attached to their drinking, even when it's not out of control. My ex (when she was not my ex yet) didn't like things that were drinking related, things that my quitting would address in one fell swoop, but reacted really negatively to the idea of me quitting drinking. And this is as far as I can gather not an uncommon situation.
I told my ex-girlfriend that I quit drinking, she hasn't spoken to me since that day so I didn't get a whole lot of support from that quarter. I think it's hard because people are often pretty attached to their drinking, even when it's not out of control. My ex (when she was not my ex yet) didn't like things that were drinking related, things that my quitting would address in one fell swoop, but reacted really negatively to the idea of me quitting drinking. And this is as far as I can gather not an uncommon situation.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,368
Hi Ashling - welcome
I agree with Anna - you need to make the focus about you.
It would be great if we got support from the people closest to us, but often that's just not the case.
I'm not excusing your bf- he sounds particularly unsupportive to me to be honest - but the fact is most people never experience a yearning craving for drink...they simply cannot understand why we can't just stop, but keep living the same life, going to bars etc....
They have no reference for what we have experienced.
Thankfully, there are places like SR, with people who understand - you are never alone here
D
I agree with Anna - you need to make the focus about you.
It would be great if we got support from the people closest to us, but often that's just not the case.
I'm not excusing your bf- he sounds particularly unsupportive to me to be honest - but the fact is most people never experience a yearning craving for drink...they simply cannot understand why we can't just stop, but keep living the same life, going to bars etc....
They have no reference for what we have experienced.
Thankfully, there are places like SR, with people who understand - you are never alone here
D
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 3,550
He sounds like quite a challenge for you. You need all the help and support you can get. Not everyone makes it. Recovery is a tough road and your working at home doesn't make it any easier. Do you really love the guy? If so, then it's good to get as much advice as you can, both on this SR (since many have dealt with what you have going) and elsewhere, such as counseling. The question is of course whether to terminate the relationship or try to adjust it so as to get some better support. Whatever you do, I firmly believe that your own sobriety should be paramount. Alcoholism is progressive and can only make your troubles, your relationship, your health, worse. Every good wish to you....
W.
W.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,414
Originally Posted by AshlingStone
Hello everyone,
He is a very judgmental person. I also smoke cigarettes and he cannot stand that but I can only quit one thing at a time. He is not a very affectionate person and believes everyone should just be able to quit whatever and move on. He has never had an addiction to anything either. He is 29 I am 37. My job is very stressful even though I work from home. I pay all the bills, 3/4 of the rent, take care of cleaning the house, buy him little things he likes for no reason at all. He doesn't make any effort in the relationship, not even to initiate love making.
Any thoughts would be appreciated. Thank you very, very much.
Natalie.
He is a very judgmental person. I also smoke cigarettes and he cannot stand that but I can only quit one thing at a time. He is not a very affectionate person and believes everyone should just be able to quit whatever and move on. He has never had an addiction to anything either. He is 29 I am 37. My job is very stressful even though I work from home. I pay all the bills, 3/4 of the rent, take care of cleaning the house, buy him little things he likes for no reason at all. He doesn't make any effort in the relationship, not even to initiate love making.
Any thoughts would be appreciated. Thank you very, very much.
Natalie.
Quite honestly, given the description I've bolded above from your first post, my first thoughts are I can relate to why you might be drinking so much. I mean no disrespect to your fiance or you, but it sounds like a pretty bad deal for you in no uncertain terms.
Of course nobody makes us drink. We choose that and it is on us, but your situation does not sound very happy and this stress may be making things worse. It sounds like you do everything and a relationship is supposed to be a two-way street. Do you think your drinking may be to numb this truth? You seem very clear about what is going on so the question is do you want the situation to stay the same or change, and if you choose to keep it the same is it realistic to think you will not pick up again? You will need to build a much broader support system if he is all you have given these details, I'm afraid. What about some counseling, trying AA, or looking into a secular recovery program like Women for Sobriety?
Also, like others have mentioned, maybe he just doesn't understand how hard what you are doing is, and maybe you need to sit down and share your feelings more directly.
Sometimes people who don't have a problem with alcohol really can't "get" how difficult stopping is for those of us with a drinking problem. To be fair to him, perhaps you should really
try to enlist his help and support on a daily basis as you've started to in your text.
I'm very glad you are not drinking and have joined SR. Sobriety is wonderful and you have done a great job so far not drinking. Please keep posting and I hope my direct comments are not offensive--I mean them kindly and only as an outside observer who has only read the one post about your situation.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
