Hoping for BTDT responses.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 182
Hoping for BTDT responses.
Please will you share with me if you moved on from a relationship with an A and you are now happy and content and okay with yourself.
I was a wreck after my 18 year marriage ended and that was terrible (the marriage and pulling myself together)
I am so scared of the pain I am going to feel if I do this. As I detach he feels the difference and expresses doubts about the future, I am even more scared of him ending it than me.
He is never aggressive or abusive. He is always where he should be and he tells me he loves me every day.
But
He is drinking more than ever, has no real intentions of stopping and my picture of what our future would be gets smaller every day.
I think constantly of ending it (apart from the dreams of a sobriety lightning bolt suddenly hitting him)
I think I need to hear that I will be okay. I figure some people did it and are okay and don't post on SR anymore but there must be people here who can tell me I will truly honestly in the future feel like it was the right decision.
I was a wreck after my 18 year marriage ended and that was terrible (the marriage and pulling myself together)
I am so scared of the pain I am going to feel if I do this. As I detach he feels the difference and expresses doubts about the future, I am even more scared of him ending it than me.
He is never aggressive or abusive. He is always where he should be and he tells me he loves me every day.
But
He is drinking more than ever, has no real intentions of stopping and my picture of what our future would be gets smaller every day.
I think constantly of ending it (apart from the dreams of a sobriety lightning bolt suddenly hitting him)
I think I need to hear that I will be okay. I figure some people did it and are okay and don't post on SR anymore but there must be people here who can tell me I will truly honestly in the future feel like it was the right decision.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,429
Hi jessicajoe;
Have you looked at the "Success Stories" sticky at the top of this Friends and Family page? There are several links which might be helpful.
I know this isn't easy but your heart and emotional self need your trust and support. From this post it sounds like you are getting some clear messages.
I haven't been married and left an alcoholic relationship but I had a boyfriend who just kept drinking more and more and got erratic. I kicked him out and was very glad I did. In his next relationship, the woman and her whole family ended up selling their farm and leaving the state to get away from his crazy behavior. Doesn't sound like your man, but the lesson may be that if they are drinking more and more, things will always get worse no matter how nice they are to start with. If he "ends it with you" that may be for the best. It sounds like you want to act first, but the core issue is are you better or worse off everyday with this person in your life drinking? If the answer is "worse" than it shouldn't matter who starts the wheels turning to change the situation.
Please look after yourself and I wish the best for you and for him. I hope he finds treatment and a way out of his personal h - - - but I don't think you should stay there with him if it is hurting you.
Have you looked at the "Success Stories" sticky at the top of this Friends and Family page? There are several links which might be helpful.
I know this isn't easy but your heart and emotional self need your trust and support. From this post it sounds like you are getting some clear messages.
I haven't been married and left an alcoholic relationship but I had a boyfriend who just kept drinking more and more and got erratic. I kicked him out and was very glad I did. In his next relationship, the woman and her whole family ended up selling their farm and leaving the state to get away from his crazy behavior. Doesn't sound like your man, but the lesson may be that if they are drinking more and more, things will always get worse no matter how nice they are to start with. If he "ends it with you" that may be for the best. It sounds like you want to act first, but the core issue is are you better or worse off everyday with this person in your life drinking? If the answer is "worse" than it shouldn't matter who starts the wheels turning to change the situation.
Please look after yourself and I wish the best for you and for him. I hope he finds treatment and a way out of his personal h - - - but I don't think you should stay there with him if it is hurting you.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 109
Hi JessicaJoe,
I left my AH a year ago. He was only aggressive at the end. In the beginning he was loving, always where he said he would be, etc. But as it is a progressive disease, his behavior became more hostile as time went on. You are smart to understand that your future life, if you stay with him, will become more and more circumscribed by the addiction.
I saw a therapist for about 9 months after I moved out. I went because I was a bit shell-shocked from the experience of being married to an late-stage alcoholic (you can read about it in my posts). I wanted help grieving so that I could remain emotionally present for my children. At first I was reluctant to think anything was "wrong" with me, but I can now say that delving into my family of origin dynamics really helped me understand the patterns that cropped up in my relationships.
I am far happier, stronger, healthier now than this time last year. I am enjoying being single, nurturing my own interests, rekindling friendships, and focusing on my 3 children. My life feels more full and joyful now than when I was married to an alcoholic. The chaos and drama, the deadened emotions, and the worry was weighing on me heavily.
If you are constantly thinking about ending it, then why not take a break from the relationship? If you aren't married, it will be easier to go no-contact, which is probably the best way to keep alcoholism out of your life. It might be helpful to find a good therapist before you break up, someone who can help see you through the grief into a brighter future. It is scary to close the door on a relationship. I read on Martha Beck's website something to the gist of: "where one door closes, another opens, but that dark hallway in between is really scary!" Having a counselor or therapist by your side makes the hallway a little brighter and easier to navigate.
Ideally, the man in your life should make you feel safe, cherished, and he should take your concerns very seriously. You should have a common vision of your future together. You can let the little things go, but unfortunately, alcoholism is a big thing, as it will break your heart over and over again. True addicts always choose the drink over the loved one. It has nothing to do with love, but with an overpowering compulsion that you can't change.
Peace to you,
B
I left my AH a year ago. He was only aggressive at the end. In the beginning he was loving, always where he said he would be, etc. But as it is a progressive disease, his behavior became more hostile as time went on. You are smart to understand that your future life, if you stay with him, will become more and more circumscribed by the addiction.
I saw a therapist for about 9 months after I moved out. I went because I was a bit shell-shocked from the experience of being married to an late-stage alcoholic (you can read about it in my posts). I wanted help grieving so that I could remain emotionally present for my children. At first I was reluctant to think anything was "wrong" with me, but I can now say that delving into my family of origin dynamics really helped me understand the patterns that cropped up in my relationships.
I am far happier, stronger, healthier now than this time last year. I am enjoying being single, nurturing my own interests, rekindling friendships, and focusing on my 3 children. My life feels more full and joyful now than when I was married to an alcoholic. The chaos and drama, the deadened emotions, and the worry was weighing on me heavily.
If you are constantly thinking about ending it, then why not take a break from the relationship? If you aren't married, it will be easier to go no-contact, which is probably the best way to keep alcoholism out of your life. It might be helpful to find a good therapist before you break up, someone who can help see you through the grief into a brighter future. It is scary to close the door on a relationship. I read on Martha Beck's website something to the gist of: "where one door closes, another opens, but that dark hallway in between is really scary!" Having a counselor or therapist by your side makes the hallway a little brighter and easier to navigate.
Ideally, the man in your life should make you feel safe, cherished, and he should take your concerns very seriously. You should have a common vision of your future together. You can let the little things go, but unfortunately, alcoholism is a big thing, as it will break your heart over and over again. True addicts always choose the drink over the loved one. It has nothing to do with love, but with an overpowering compulsion that you can't change.
Peace to you,
B
Last edited by BtheChange; 11-17-2013 at 07:38 AM. Reason: added an apostrophe
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: England, UK
Posts: 257
I left an A and am now very happy and doing well. It was definitely the right decision for me. Life is so much easier and more peaceful now without his chaos in it, without the disappointments, the sadness and the clinging to a hope for something that was never coming and/or never there.
I was so scared before I let about whether or not I was making the right decision. This was a man I loved, we'd been together my whole adult life, I had such dreams built with him and such aspirations for the man he was capable of being. It was tough to come to terms with letting go of those things, but facing reality was, in the end, much better than living in a hopeful fantasy. My life is better than I could have imagined a year ago, a few months ago even. I am very very sad that it didn't work out, but the freedom is worth so much more to me than I ever knew it would.
There is no rush if you are not ready. Take your time to come to terms with reality and with the steps you want to take, so that when it comes to it you'll know you are making the best decision for yourself. And when it comes down to it whether its him or you that make the final decision, the outcome is the same and things will work out for the best in time.
I was so scared before I let about whether or not I was making the right decision. This was a man I loved, we'd been together my whole adult life, I had such dreams built with him and such aspirations for the man he was capable of being. It was tough to come to terms with letting go of those things, but facing reality was, in the end, much better than living in a hopeful fantasy. My life is better than I could have imagined a year ago, a few months ago even. I am very very sad that it didn't work out, but the freedom is worth so much more to me than I ever knew it would.
There is no rush if you are not ready. Take your time to come to terms with reality and with the steps you want to take, so that when it comes to it you'll know you are making the best decision for yourself. And when it comes down to it whether its him or you that make the final decision, the outcome is the same and things will work out for the best in time.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: East Coast
Posts: 427
I've moved on from an addict and could not be happier. I adopted a stray dog and get out and exercise. Life without all of the worry is so much better. You have hard moments, but it is well worth it! You don't realize the amount of stress you are dealing with when you are with an alcoholic or addict. It's hard in some respects, but you get to change your life when the addict or alcoholic doesn't want to change theirs.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
I moved on from my XABF at the end of 2007. I did it because I finally *got* what it meant to love myself enough to not be afraid to be alone. In 2010 I married the greatest guy ever, which was just a bonus.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
well, look at the choices. you can clearly SEE that things are deteriorating, he's drinking more and more. the misery continues to increase. there is no room for growth, joy, freedom, opportunity.
or, you decide that your own life is worth MORE. and you take ownership and give yourself the best chance possible for a happy healthy life.
or, you decide that your own life is worth MORE. and you take ownership and give yourself the best chance possible for a happy healthy life.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 182
you can clearly SEE that things are deteriorating,
When he is at work I know
When I am at work I know
When he is sleeping I know
When he is five beers in and quacking in the wind I know
When he is hungover and trying to wake himself up I know
When he is sitting across from me every evening asking all the right questions and saying all the right things I'm not so sure,
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,118
Is there any way you could get out for a short amount of time? I did that a couple of years ago. When you tell yourself it's temporary, it takes a whole lot less courage and resolve, and also a lot less logistical planning. Then you get a chance to experience how you feel "on the other side."
I went to an off-season beach house for two months. I loved it there. I wound up with a new routine, new friends--Al-Anon and not Al-Anon. It was very, very freeing.
I did go back home and to the AH, because the landlord had someone coming in on planned my departure date so I couldn't extend it and frankly, I could have moved to another rental, but I just chickened out. If I did that again, I'd get a therapist to help me work through the land mines of doubt and confusion.
But in principle, I think it's a great option if you're on the fence.
I went to an off-season beach house for two months. I loved it there. I wound up with a new routine, new friends--Al-Anon and not Al-Anon. It was very, very freeing.
I did go back home and to the AH, because the landlord had someone coming in on planned my departure date so I couldn't extend it and frankly, I could have moved to another rental, but I just chickened out. If I did that again, I'd get a therapist to help me work through the land mines of doubt and confusion.
But in principle, I think it's a great option if you're on the fence.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,057
Our situations sound very similar, jessicajoe. My 11-year marriage to an alcoholic ended very abruptly when I caught him in an affair. It was pure hell...I experienced a pain I didn't know existed.
Eight years later I found myself in the middle of another relationship with an alcoholic/addict. (Really bad picker, I know...I let a lot of good men go in that time...that's another thread.) My new abf was never aggressive, but he was emotionally neglectful at times. We cycled through break-ups, make-ups, recovery, and relapses for 5 years. The break-ups were a painful hell, similar to what I had experienced when my marriage ended.
But I eventually gained an acceptance of the reality of our future. I was able to weigh the short-term pain of a break-up versus the long-term gain of a life free from the madness of addiction. It sounds to me like you're in that same place. Deep down you know the truth, but you are afraid to let go because you know it will hurt.
I was terrified of leaving him and experiencing that pain again, but his relapses created such stress and unhappiness that living that way wasn't worth waiting around for the joy of what we had during his recovery periods.
He always said all the right things, too, jessicajoe. He really did. Most were sincere. Some were the lies of an alcoholic/addict. But it made it hard, and I get where you're coming from.
I had been considering leaving him for several weeks, maybe months, when it happened. We were on our way home from a long weekend together. It had been a really fun weekend, but towards the end of it, he was irritable. When I asked him about it, he was honest. He missed drinking while we were in places where it was going on all around us (professional sporting events and in restaurants). His AV had already been working in him for a long time. He was thoroughly convinced that he could start drinking socially again. He was already back to smoking pot, thinking he was hiding it from me, not admitting it. By the end of our drive home, and after a long conversation, I had broken up with him for the last time.
I cried my eyes out that night. It was deeply painful. I love him, and I know he loves me. But he loves his addictions more and I wasn't willing to spend my life in second place. Since that night I haven't shed one tear. Really. Amazing to me, but it's the truth.
I miss him, but I am very, very happy and at peace with my decision. I feel incredibly free. No more stress, no more waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Eight years later I found myself in the middle of another relationship with an alcoholic/addict. (Really bad picker, I know...I let a lot of good men go in that time...that's another thread.) My new abf was never aggressive, but he was emotionally neglectful at times. We cycled through break-ups, make-ups, recovery, and relapses for 5 years. The break-ups were a painful hell, similar to what I had experienced when my marriage ended.
But I eventually gained an acceptance of the reality of our future. I was able to weigh the short-term pain of a break-up versus the long-term gain of a life free from the madness of addiction. It sounds to me like you're in that same place. Deep down you know the truth, but you are afraid to let go because you know it will hurt.
I was terrified of leaving him and experiencing that pain again, but his relapses created such stress and unhappiness that living that way wasn't worth waiting around for the joy of what we had during his recovery periods.
He always said all the right things, too, jessicajoe. He really did. Most were sincere. Some were the lies of an alcoholic/addict. But it made it hard, and I get where you're coming from.
I had been considering leaving him for several weeks, maybe months, when it happened. We were on our way home from a long weekend together. It had been a really fun weekend, but towards the end of it, he was irritable. When I asked him about it, he was honest. He missed drinking while we were in places where it was going on all around us (professional sporting events and in restaurants). His AV had already been working in him for a long time. He was thoroughly convinced that he could start drinking socially again. He was already back to smoking pot, thinking he was hiding it from me, not admitting it. By the end of our drive home, and after a long conversation, I had broken up with him for the last time.
I cried my eyes out that night. It was deeply painful. I love him, and I know he loves me. But he loves his addictions more and I wasn't willing to spend my life in second place. Since that night I haven't shed one tear. Really. Amazing to me, but it's the truth.
I miss him, but I am very, very happy and at peace with my decision. I feel incredibly free. No more stress, no more waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Jessica---He really isn't asking the right questions and saying the right things--otherwise you wouldn't be racked with fear when he is not in front of you. You know, deep down, that the words are hollow. The emperor has no clothes.
dandylion
dandylion
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
