blueholly

So it has been more than 6 months since I left. Things are a little rough.I thought that I was over him. But here I go again. I havent had much contact with him. Just about the kids ect. (still fighting custody) But I have just in the past 2 weeks found myself stalking him.
I know he is in bad shape. Running all night. He promised the kids that he would be here to pick them up from school. I knew good and well he wouldn't make it. Of course he didn't show! But have no fear! He will be here first thing this am. Of course he hasn't left. and it is a four hour drive.... The girls will wake this morning to just another let down and lie. And they get mad at me??!!
Why do I care? I find myself mourning the loss of the man I once knew. The man that raised my older kids like his own. And would never let down his own. Now I am here alone. I am so alone. But that is nothing new. I was alone before I left. I can't believe that I have relapsed like this. Even though I know that He is "gone" And I don't ever EVER want to go back to that place! I still find myself heartbroken.... Constantly thinking of the "whores" (sorry there are no other words) and tweakers he hangs with... Constantly thinking of him.... Why can't I get over this? The pain is excruciating!
I find myself wanting to go confront him.... Fantasizing about confronting him.... But then i know it will do know good. You can't reason with crazy. My therapist told me that I, in my right mind, will never understand or be able to reason with with someone who is NOT in there right mind. I get it but, lately I still want to go beat down his door with a baseball bat. My sister told me tuesday "don't do it! You know the people that he hangs with and it's not safe" Some how I still find myself not caring... I want to confront him sssooo bad.....
I can't take it... I feel like I have come so far... I have... But I feel like I am losing it.... I feel lost...
Please help....

lizwig

Hi blueholly...I think we've all fantasized about those types of confrontations...BUT play the tape through...don't jeopardize your children's now stable environment for the fleeting satisfaction you may feel in the moment. Letting go is hard. I think you are probably looking for some shred of insight into how a person can change so completely. Is this the real him? It's like a "what's wrong with this picture" activity...it will keep you busy but you won't find all the hidden pictures. Are you documenting the no-shows etc? Are your kids even safe going with him? Do you have the opportunity to just say "no" too bad...Get clean and we'll revisit the topic"? I wonder if part of the curiosity is that although you don't necessarily want him you don't want anyone else having him either...and more importantly...You want to reject him...and feel like he cares. He can't care...all caring is numbed. Ask yourself what IS the motivation of looking? What are YOU getting out of it? You didn't cause it. You can't cure it. And you can't control it. Control the things you can...your attitude and a positive enviro for your sweet kids. Hang in there...

blueholly

lizwig,
I do want to hurt him. your right, I don't want him but I don't want anyone else to have him. It seems that there is no closure to this.... it just goes on and on. (not being hateful) but I think it would be way easier if he died....at least then there would be an end
I want to reject him, u are right. I want the right to abandon him like he did us. I do know that it just fuels the fire even more when the kids cry. I am constantly picking up there pieces and drying there tears.... It is exhausting...

Txhelp

So sorry blueholly! Its so normal to have those feelings. Anger for his choices and behaviors and addictions...anger for letting you and your children down.

Your children are angry also...hence them lashing out to you. This is normal as well.

Not sure how old your children are..perhaps in a loving voice tell them that daddy is sick.

Your husband is in a very dark place. I almost feel as if they are dying in front of you. If you don't feel emotion at times you would be heartless.

zoso77

When we make an emotional investment in someone and it doesn't work out, it's painful to go through that loss. Convolve drug addiction into it, and it's a hundred times worse. Personally, I think what you're feeling is perfectly normal in terms of both the hurt and the anger.

In my own situation, I was fortunate enough to be betrayed by the addict in my life in such a way that there was never a chance of going back. That was that. I switched off. And when I switched off, the need to confront my AXGF and tell her what a wretched person she was simply wasn't there.

Those in active addiction can never take responsibility for what they do to themselves and subsequently others. Let's say you do confront him and tell him what you really think. Then what? Not only does he not absorb it, he'll likely invert it and throw it back in your face. Then instead of bleeding a little bit like you are now, your wounds are open again and you're back where you started.

You have to decide that you're going to heal. And when you decide that, you have to let go of ideas -- like confronting him, or thinking about whores -- that keep you stuck. This doesn't mean you can't be hurt or angry. What it does mean is you're hurt, you're angry, and you're moving forward in your life. Period. The good news is if you decide you're going to heal, then you will heal. It may take a while, but you'll get there.

ZoSo

terryr97

You're addicted to your addict. I know cos I am too. Just like he craves his drug, I crave contact with him (good or bad contact, it doesn't matter). We once normal, intelligent people think of doing some crazy stuff just to get one moment of feeling that he's thinking about me but, as has been said, they're too numb to think of anything other than continuing to get high. There's a greater chance of him thinking about you if you ignore him but, then when you give in to his attention, poof! They're gone again. That's the insanity of it. Cos we're raised that if you live someone, you show it but with addicts, if you show you love them, they use it against you. Stay strong.

blueholly

Thanks guys,
He did finally make it up to see the kids. I thought it would be bad but seeing him may have been a good thing. I realize that it is what it is. I will take what I can get from him ie. fixing my truck cuz I am broke and he is a mechanic.
But it finally sank in. I think he likes his life like this. Able to run around and act like he is 26 again. No responsibility no kids no nagging wife.
I talked to him today. I realized that no matter what I may never get the truth. And I will quit trying to change him. I will quit telling him to not hang with that crowd. I will quit.... This is who he is...Period....
I don't know why it has taken me so long for this to sink in....
I will quit trying to change him and move forward....
I suppose even though I realized that even though are relationship was over I still wanted him to help me with the kids. and be a father...
But now I realize that he will probably NEVER be the dad I want him to be....
So I will just take what I can and move on....
it is what it is...

LoveMeNow

It is what it is...for now.

I have always admired your strength and for getting the heck out, knowing things were dangerous for you and your kids

While his future may seem bleak, yours certainly does not. You are now free of living with the insanity of an active addict. You have a chance to heal, get healthy and have a wonderful, happy future with healthy people. There are many blessings in your life right now although sometimes we all need to get out of our ways to see them.

blueholly

Thanks LMN, I am not sure strength is what got me out or the fact that I was living in shear insanity.
It's hard. I thought I was past some of these things and on the road but things still come to haunt me when I least expect it.
I am looking forward to getting past this or having a healthy relationship or not... maybe just accepting alone....
I never wanted the divorce. I never wanted to be alone. I never envied single people. I filed to scare him. I really thought he would be like, ok she is serious, i will go to rehab. But here we are.... going though this divorce and he is not even close to admitting he does drugs much less needs help. (he is back to the complete denial stage of even doing dope. when the signs are sssoo there)
This is so hard....I have been divorced before. And zoso is right. adding a drug addiction on top is even a hundred times worse...
I actually told a friend of mine years ago that if my husband was unfaithful I would probably not leave him. I wouldn't leave him for anything. But how naive I was... I had no clue that there were things out there that could rip a relationship to shreds as this drug has....
A mistress doesn't hold a candle to meth.....

overit263

You know it's funny, now that I'm single all of the married people envy me! And they don't even have to deal with the kind of stuff I was dealing with! Being alone is faaaaar better than dealing with the insanity, the lies, the constant worry. I don't have children (only the kind with fur) but I really think that kids are all the reason in the world to get away and stay away. My parents were abusive alchi's and I had always wished they had divorced. It might have possible made my childhood a lot better than what it was.

When you leave them it is hard, but being free and clear of them in the long run is far better a goal than giving in to scared, angry and hurt feelings. We all have those moments. You can do this. Believe me, I never planned on getting a divorce, I was very against it, but I just couldn't do anymore, couldn't give anymore so on and so forth. Honestly though, being alone is better than the madness.

LoveMeNow

I think you underestimate your own strength. You may have tried to force an outcome but you have continued to move forward, despite a normal setback here and there.

Stay strong. I believe God has something better in mind for you.

blueholly

Overit,
I totally believe you. But... I also know that I HATE being alone... it's sad really, the affection he has starved me of. I realize that after all this time. No sex. No attention at all. No TRUE conversation. I find myself finding any man who touches me ... well frankly good. just the other night a guy i worked with, who I am not attracted to, I am not really attracted to any one. Anyway, he touched the side of my hip and it literally sent chills down my side. No attraction. Just the touch in general. He had starved me so much that it is scary. I use to text him naked pics of me just to try to get him home... AND HE STILL WOULD NOT COME HOME!!! DAMN that meth!!! it is worse than a mistress..... I never wanted this. I never wanted to be without a husband... but now I am... and have to learn to accept it.....it makes me think y me... I was a good wife... for the most... I had my faults.... of course... but now I am the one suffering... Not him....

hopeful4

Blueholly....I too have come to the realization that AH likes who he is right now. It does not bother him that he lies to me or that his addictive behavior has driven me to the point of feeling like the mad hatter in the recent past, or that he quite likely will lose everything he has because of it.

He likes the feeling it gives him and that is what rules his life. It's his choice and I cannot control that. Certainly I cannot protect him from the outcome of HIS CHOICES and I realize that now. While he can play nice and act like his family means so much, he will not hesitate to lie to us or drink the night away even if it damages us. So yes, it's a choice and he puts it above all others.

That being said, it is obvious to me you just crave human interaction. Please please be careful who you choose that from. Look at a person's heart and THEIR ACTIONS before you form any sort of relations with them. As you know, addicts cause so much pain. It's not worth it.

Keep posing, you are not alone!