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wine in fridge

Old 11-15-2013, 11:08 PM
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wine in fridge

I'm a class of Nov 2013 so I haven't been at this that long, but things are going pretty well. My problem tonight is that my husband stopped by the store and brought home two bottles of wine that were on super sale. A red for him and a white for me. I haven't told him I'm trying to stop drinking completely, but I can't believe he hasn't noticed the dramatic change in my evening habits: I don't have a glass of chardonnay glued to my hand all night.

So he puts the wine away and runs off to a game with the boys.

I didn't even want a drink tonight and now I'm going a crazy trying to avoid the bottle in the fridge. I'm afraid to go near the kitchen because I will be tempted to open that bottle so I'm holed up in my bedroom.

I'm feeling a little sabotaged. He doesn't drink very much although I've noticed an uptick in his consumption in the past few months. Ironically, that's part of what caused me to rethink my drinking habits.

Jeez this is hard.
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Old 11-15-2013, 11:16 PM
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Take the bottle of white wine and give it to one of your neighbours as a gift.
Tell your husband tonight that you are giving up booze.
You can do this. If I had wine in the house it seemed to sing to me. If I were you I would tell my husband and ask for support. All the best
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Old 11-15-2013, 11:19 PM
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Hi sunrisesky

Whats obvious to us is often not as obvious to others - I don't know you or your hubby - sure, your hubby may be trying to sabotage you - but he might also simply and genuinely be doing whats he's done for years - bringing home some wine.

I don't recommend shouting it from the rooftops but I do think our partners should know whats going on in our lives - why not tell him?

and if that bottle keeps worrying you and getting at you? making you obsess?
dump it - you can explain that too...make it clear than you appreciate the gesture but you're done drinking...you don't want any more wine bought home for you

D
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Old 11-15-2013, 11:26 PM
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Yeah, I agree with Dee. If you could, it would be great to dump the wine and simply explain to him later that you're cutting out alcohol completely and found the wine as a temptation...and that it's not his fault as he did not understand that extent to which you were giving up alcohol. You can do this!
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Old 11-15-2013, 11:46 PM
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Dee I think you are right - this is sabotage. I was reflecting on Pipping's and Chaili05's very sensible advice to ask for his support. I can't do that. I am ashamed to admit that the times in our marriage that I have needed his support the most, have been the times when he has been most likely to withhold support, undermine me or sabotage me.

So I'm afraid to ask for his support because I'm afraid he'll try to deter me from the path I know I need to take. I can't have that happen. My highest priority right now is to stop drinking. I'll deal with the issues in my marriage some other day. Right now, I have to stay sober. Period.

I will dump that bottle if I need to, but thanks to all of you, it's not calling to me anymore. As I mentioned in my OP, I didn't even have a desire for a drink tonight until he showed up with the wine. I think his actions stirred up a lot of emotional garbage and anxiety that you've helped me clarify.

Thank you so much.
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Old 11-15-2013, 11:46 PM
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Sorry for the stress you are under, I can relate I'm a chef and had to walk away from the kitchen. Everybody drinks after shift, I use to much alcohol for varies recipes. Had to take a step back. Its not easy to be an alcoholic in a social drinking world
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Old 11-15-2013, 11:52 PM
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Originally Posted by SunriseSky View Post
Dee I think you are right - this is sabotage. I was reflecting on Pipping's and Chaili05's very sensible advice to ask for his support. I can't do that. I am ashamed to admit that the times in our marriage that I have needed his support the most, have been the times when he has been most likely to withhold support, undermine me or sabotage me.

So I'm afraid to ask for his support because I'm afraid he'll try to deter me from the path I know I need to take. I can't have that happen. My highest priority right now is to stop drinking. I'll deal with the issues in my marriage some other day. Right now, I have to stay sober. Period.

I will dump that bottle if I need to, but thanks to all of you, it's not calling to me anymore. As I mentioned in my OP, I didn't even have a desire for a drink tonight until he showed up with the wine. I think his actions stirred up a lot of emotional garbage and anxiety that you've helped me clarify.

Thank you so much.
I wasn't suggesting anything - I was just putting the two options out there

I was thinking it's hard to sabotage someone if they don't know what you're doing - but there's obviously more to this situation.

Only you can make the call on his motives

If you can't count of support at home, make sure you have support in other places, ok?

D
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Old 11-15-2013, 11:52 PM
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Originally Posted by SunriseSky View Post
Dee I think you are right - this is sabotage. I was reflecting on Pipping's and Chaili05's very sensible advice to ask for his support. I can't do that. I am ashamed to admit that the times in our marriage that I have needed his support the most, have been the times when he has been most likely to withhold support, undermine me or sabotage me.

So I'm afraid to ask for his support because I'm afraid he'll try to deter me from the path I know I need to take. I can't have that happen. My highest priority right now is to stop drinking. I'll deal with the issues in my marriage some other day. Right now, I have to stay sober. Period.

I will dump that bottle if I need to, but thanks to all of you, it's not calling to me anymore. As I mentioned in my OP, I didn't even have a desire for a drink tonight until he showed up with the wine. I think his actions stirred up a lot of emotional garbage and anxiety that you've helped me clarify.

Thank you so much.
I too am sorry for the marital stress you are under... it's good you at least have your plan that if the urge gets too much you can always dump the wine. It also seems that you already practiced asking for support with us here on SR when the wine arrived and you started contemplating drinking it. That is fantastic!! It takes a lot to ask anyone for support and at least you feel safe doing so here
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Old 11-16-2013, 12:28 AM
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Dee - my mistake, I was so frazzled I didn't read your post correctly. I understand what you were saying now - that maybe he was just bringing home wine and it was a totally innocent gesture.

That is certainly possible, but unfortunately, given the relationship history, I have to be careful of his motives.

But what I've found tonight is that his motives are not as important as my strength. I need to focus on my goal, health and my needs.

Thanks again for your help.
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Old 11-16-2013, 12:30 AM
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My husband isn't always that supportive either. He refuses to accept that I am an alcoholic and thinks I am being over the top reading and posting on SR because he doesn't think I have a problem. I have a huge problem with alcohol and I think he is in denial because it embarrasses him. Fortunately he doesn't drink so he doesn't sabotage me with alcohol but when I have tried to lose weight he buys lots of the junk food that I like. What this says to me is that at the end of the day we have to make our recovery our own priority. Gather as many resources and as much support as you can outside your marriage. Hopefully he will come on board but sometimes people we are close to don't understand or feel uncomfortable with change. Do this for yourself. Nothing bad will come from not drinking.

Last edited by Pipping; 11-16-2013 at 12:31 AM. Reason: Spelling error
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Old 11-16-2013, 12:45 AM
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Pipping I understand how you feel and admire your straightforward approach to your situation. Thank you for reminding me that nothing bad comes from not drinking.
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Old 11-16-2013, 02:11 AM
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Hi Sunrise you probably don't know me yet, I'm from the March 2013 group. I think you are reading too much into this action of your husband's -- he saw wine on sale so he bought a bottle he would like and a bottle he thought you would like.

If you have stopped drinking then tell him so, he can't read your mind and he can't know that the wine in the fridge is a problem for you unless you tell him. Be straightforward "I'm not drinking anymore, I appreciate you getting the wine but I won't be drinking it so let's give it to ..." If necessary empty it down the drain. But if he doesn't know you have stopped he may well keep bringing wine home.

Could you use the wine money for something the two of you can enjoy together? It could be a favourite food, chocolate, a DVD to watch together etc

On the subject of his motives: be firm about your intentions, what you intend to do and exactly how he can support you, keep things in the present and future not the past.

Best wishes to you.
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Old 11-16-2013, 08:17 AM
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Yes, Marcher, it's quite possible I'm overanalyzing his actions. And the consensus seems to be to tell him I've stopped and let him know how he can support me. Someday, I suppose I'm going to have to do that.

But in the past, asking him for support has not gone well and I'm afraid of what might happen in this situation if it doesn't. It could get really unpleasant and I'm not in an emotional place where I can handle that right now. I have to focus on my sobriety. When I get a few months under my belt and I feel more confident in my ability to manage his response, I will say something.

Thanks for your input.
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Old 11-16-2013, 08:20 AM
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Originally Posted by SunriseSky View Post

I haven't told him I'm trying to stop drinking completely

I'm feeling a little sabotaged
seems the first thing to do at this point in time would be

for the two of you to have a long talk



MM
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Old 11-16-2013, 08:24 AM
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SunriseSky, If you really want this, you need to tell him your done drinking. If not, then you are yourself holding onto a reservation. It's like you have not truly committed. Leaving the door open a little bit to have that drink .


Gotta fully commit. Hope you do the right thing.
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Old 11-16-2013, 08:28 AM
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It's interesting that you have a history of not getting support from him when you've asked. And, that it's been so noticeable to you that you don't want to talk to him about this. My opinion is to do whatever it takes for you to stay sober right now. As you said, deal with relationship issues a bit later, but for now, just stay away from the wine.
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Old 11-16-2013, 09:04 AM
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Hi Sunrise,
I just had a similar but different situation. If I misunderstand your situation I apologize.

I knew in my heart what I needed to do but kept putting it off. Then it dawned on me to ask myself "what would change if I said what I had to say?" The answer I gave myself surprised me. Not much other than I would be being true to me and that's a lot.

So I said what I had to say to the person in my life. It didn't change anything on their end. It changed me. While it was hard and not exactly what I wanted to do, it gave me a new sense of pride to know that I can take care of myself in spite of what others do or say. I was sad but I was also proud of myself.

So anyway, if you are not getting support now or haven't felt like you have gotten too much support in the past, what would change if you just said I'm not drinking? Don't bring wine home for me anymore. I'm not drinking.

From my experience, a couple of things can happen. Yes, someone can possible try to make it harder for you. Well, bringing home wine for you doesn't sound like its easy either or it's possible you just continue getting very little support but now..you don't care....or, they may even just leave you alone in that department. Regardless the outcome, ya gotta do what ya gotta do for you.

Not trying to stick my nose in your business or tell you what to do. I just talk about me. I have to take care of me regardless what other people do or don't do. The most important support I get is the support I give myself.

Good for you on quitting!!! You can do it!!
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Old 11-16-2013, 09:08 AM
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Originally Posted by SunriseSky View Post
I'm a class of Nov 2013 so I haven't been at this that long, but things are going pretty well. My problem tonight is that my husband stopped by the store and brought home two bottles of wine that were on super sale. A red for him and a white for me. I haven't told him I'm trying to stop drinking completely, but I can't believe he hasn't noticed the dramatic change in my evening habits: I don't have a glass of chardonnay glued to my hand all night.

So he puts the wine away and runs off to a game with the boys.

I didn't even want a drink tonight and now I'm going a crazy trying to avoid the bottle in the fridge. I'm afraid to go near the kitchen because I will be tempted to open that bottle so I'm holed up in my bedroom.

I'm feeling a little sabotaged. He doesn't drink very much although I've noticed an uptick in his consumption in the past few months. Ironically, that's part of what caused me to rethink my drinking habits.

Jeez this is hard.
It's possible he noticed your intention to stop drinking and is trying to derail you, but it's just as possible neither are the case. By not discussing this with him you can't be certain what he understands or thinks. It's also possible by not telling him, you could be sabotaging both your recovery and your relationship. I'm sure you'll get that all figured out, and good for you to take these first steps. That's HUGE!
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Old 11-16-2013, 09:19 AM
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You need to tell your hubby that you are quitting. If he keeps bringing you alcohol or offering eventually you will cave. It happened with me too. I would try to quit at least temporarily but then eventually I'd drink again because he'd offer me a drink.
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Old 11-16-2013, 09:32 AM
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Thanks everyone for the support and good words of advice. Today, I will start thinking about how and when to tell him. I am very afraid that he will try to derail me and as Anna said, I have to do everything I can to stay sober now and I'm not feeling strong enough in my recovery to handle what he might dish out.

360 shoes: I have been thinking about what the worst is that could possibly happen if i tell him, and the worse that could happen is I cave in to drinking again, or if I'm able to stay sober, this event will be another in a long line of situations where he hurts me when I need him the most and I guess I'll just have to accept that.

Finally, Deeker, I am taking your words very much to heart. While I'm thinking about how to tell him, I will also think about whether not my reluctance to tell him isn't some sort of backdoor to drinking again. I think I am fully committed, but it never hurts to reexamine that and make sure.

Thanks again everyone. Don't know what I'd do without all of you.
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