jakec

Today started out good..

Halfway through the day my mood pretty much turned to crap and I felt miserable, depressed, irritable, frustrated, and anxious, for no reason at all. My disease told me that calling people/reaching out wouldn't help at all and I stupidly believed it.

I started feeling a little better and I went out to dinner with my family to celebrate as I recently got my GED

I got dropped off at my NA meeting afterwards. I sat outside the meeting smoking and after I was done with my cigarette, instead of going inside the meeting, I walked to the 7/11 next door and stole a four loko(alcoholic beverage) , drank it, and went into the meeting.. I sat in the meeting for a few minutes feeling good and buzzed but quickly realized I wasn't satisfied.. I left the meeting again, went to the CVS pharmacy across the street and stole another alcoholic beverage and drank that, went back to the meeting pretty drunk at that point.. The meeting ended and one of the guys there pulled me aside and gave me all this **** for being drunk at the meeting, which i completely deserved considering my mom wasted her gas money driving me to the meeting just for me to get drunk..

When I got home I realized I STILL wasn't satisfied and left towards the store to steal more alcohol until my sister drove down the street and saw me walking and picked me up.. When I got home I pretty much had a meltdown/adult temper tantrum; I was breaking stuff, throwing stuff around my room, screaming, crying, saying how I wanted to die, hitting myself... I eventually calmed down, called my sober support, and my sponsor and felt a little better, and I'm pretty much sober at this point.

What the hell is it gonna take? ):

Coldfusion

It is very dangerous for you to do stuff like this. Thanks for checking in with us now...

Dee74

I think you have to stop seeing the desire to drink or get high as a done deal Jake.

Fight it.

Call your sponsor before, not after.
Post here, before not after

For me the work in early recovery was all about fighting that desire in me to get wasted.
I fought it every time and I stayed sober and clean.

I was worth the fight - you are too Jake

D

ScottFromWI

That's a great question. Perhaps getting kicked out of your parents house? Maybe a little jail time?

Most likely though it's going to take you making a decision that you want to be sober, and then a concerted effort to do so.

Leana

Having been on the receiving end of those adult temper tantrums, I can tell you that your days at home are limited. I allowed it for years until I finally said "no more, get treatment or get out" to my 23 yr old; she chose treatment.

If your serious about getting sober, tell your mom and sister about this site. It will help her, I know when my daughter had nights like you had tonight, that I desperately needed support.

Mizzuno

It seems like you are crying out for help. What is behind stealing from stores? This type of behavior will only get you into jail, kicked out of your parents house, or worse. I do understand how insane alcoholism can be. I have been there, and despite my best efforts, I could not control what was happening. The result was a terrible mess that I am still emotionally, financially, and spiritually healing from. You may need to learn this lesson the hard way. I hope not, but from the way it sounds you are walking in a bad direction.

JaylaaKent

I'm sorry you went through this. We will do/try ANYTHING to cope with the fear and unknown of recovery. Drinking/drugging WORKED as an escape (despite bad consequences) and was a bad habit. We will fight it. Try to hone in on what you were feeling when you finished your cigarette? Overwhelmed? Fear of failure? Aggravation? This is all very normal in early recovery.

wiscsober

scary stuff....it's up to you to decide what it will take...
you'd fit right in if you landed in jail or prison...
I'm sorry to hear how much turmoil you are in and causing...
thanks for reminding me of my past behaviors.
Put down the bottle my friend.

anyistoomuch

So - in order to have relief from your feelings, you committed 2 theft crimes, caused drama at meetings designed to help people (not just you - all of people who attend), and threw a temper tantrum at your family that sounds horrifying for them. All after your family spent the evening celebrating your accomplishments and dropped you off at your meetings.

You wonder what's it going to take? I don't know - I guess it depends on how you respond to any of this. Getting to sobriety is really hard, I am just learning that now, but we aren't the only people on the planet and maybe next time before you rob a store to have a drink, take a deep breath and two seconds to think about the big picture. No matter how badly you feel or how loud your AV is yelling, the choice is ultimately yours. You are here so you want to make the right ones.

Sending positive vibes to you and your family.

KateL

It's not the real us who behaves like that. Don't beat yourself up, just try, try again.

mecanix

Jake ,
Drink and drugs only offer a false feeling for a while and when it goes you either need more or have to face the mess you caused chasing it and have to learn how to deal with being anxious , miserable , depressed , frustrated and irritable .

All the time you put off learning how to deal with the pain and hurt by using /abusing stuff the more difficult the lesson is going to be when you finally get there .

Do you want to be a fat old 40 year old gay guy trying to put his life back together after 20 years of abuse, drunkenly lurching from disaster to disaster, drama to drama and in that time, getting nowhere, learning nothing and only by a miracle coming out of it without any nasty diseases ?

It aint easy i tell you , could be a lot worse when i think back … What do you want jake ? bearing in mind unending happiness is an illusion , there is gonna be some muck to shovel .. how big you gonna make your pile ?

What do you want ?

m

dreamr

I agree with this. It's going to take wanting sobriety more than you want to drink when the craving hits. How badly do you want sobriety?

I'm sorry for your pain, don't give up!

Brianv2

Thanks for sharing, it can't be easy. Stay sober and do something nice for your family.

Elisabeth888

I used to relapse on those things and they are horrible! In fact, when I was in rehab in 2011, I walked to a gas station and bought two of them and drank them and got kicked out of rehab. I blew a .23 after two of those loko things!

It sounds like you are in the crazy place that I was in. I started seeing an addiction psychiatrist, talked with them honestly, and got on some medication for my depression and anxiety. Just an SSRI- Effexor.

I go to AA, so I started working the steps with a sponsor, got honest, and frankly sick and tired of the way I was living. It was insanity. I just got a year last month.

If I can get sober, ANYONE can!!!!

dreamr

I used to drink them too, but I drank them slowly. For anyone who doesn't know, a can of Four Lokos is the equivalent of a bottle of strong wine. So five drinks in one can.

Ruby2

What is it going to take? Only you have that answer. We can only give suggestions as to what worked for us. For me, the pain got too much. Did treatment, stayed sober for 10.5 months, relapsed in August and am now on day 5.

I was tired of the crap and am hitting meetings and posting and reading here.. But I go to the meetings sober. It is selfish and disrespectful to bring your drunk drama into a meeting. There might have been someone in that meeting truly struggling to stay sober and you showing up intoxicated could have triggered them to go out after. Just saying.

You have to want to quit. Sounds like you aren't sure about that. You probably get the same rush from stealing alcohol as you do from the alcohol. Equally dangerous roads but you may, or may not find that out. And your family is tolerating your b.s. because they love you and care about you and you aren't being very nice to them either.

I am about to kick my alcoholic addict husband out because he is pulling the same stuff and jeopardizing my sobriety. When he relapsed, I relapsed. I am working on me. He is working off a hangover and withdrawal.

I gave a ride to a guy yesterday after my meeting. I knew him from meetings before my relapse. He had relapsed, stole prescription drugs, was sent back to jail. Apparently he is out now. He is 40 something, homeless and looks like crap. His rap sheet is pretty long. Mostly theft. Who knows whether or not he will stay sober. But that is what your future looks like if you choose not to stay sober.

Only you can decide when you are done. Coming on here is fine. Use the tools you have. Your sober network. If you are serious, you will stop. Otherwise you are just spinning your wheels.