Dollykarma

We have an 18 year old daughter that changed from day to night after she turned 18. I found a list of things that tell you the changes in your child if they are using drugs and she was all of them. She changed her mind on month before leaving for college and didn't go instead she moved in with her boyfriend and his grandmother. He is a bass player in a death metal band and he has lived with his grandmother his whole life because his mom is a junkie. We have been told by a number of people that she is using hard drugs and not to give her any money. But my main question is she has a car we paid for as well as the insurance and a cell phone that we pay for do we take those things as well?

Dee74

Hi DollyKarma

Welcome to SR - you'll find a lot of support here.

You've heard a lot of hearsay - have you spoken to your daughter?
I'd do that before deciding on anything else?

D

least

I too would say talk to your daughter before doing anything. She may be using drugs, she may not. You have to be the judge of that, not what you hear.

Leana

Hi DollyKarma
I've been through this, my 23 yr old daughter is currently in recovery. We also paid for her car, insurance, and cell phone. It was a HUGE mistake. Because we covered those expenses, she got to use all her money for drugs. We finally took them away, she entered inpatient a few days later and has been sober for 72 days (the longest since she turned 18).

A few things:
Is the title of the car in your name? If it is, go get the car and either hide it (we parked in my work parking lot) or sell it.

Taking her off your insurance: I would contact your insurance agent and be honest with them. Take their advice as to what to do. You can tell her whatever you want. But PLEASE- don't say "you can stay on our policy but you pay the bill", trust me, you'll never see the money.

3. Cell phone- Shutting it off will take courage. You have to understand that you may lose contact with her because she won't have a phone. BUT...we found, they can always borrow one to text you when they need you. So don't let her scare you with that aspect.
The 2nd thing, we had our daughter on our plan and we had a contract. To remove her would have been very costly. What I didn't know was that (at least with AT&T), you can shut off the service to the phone for a certain amount of time, at no cost, and then turn it back on at a later date. We cut the plan as low as we could go and shut it off. She still has 911 available if she has an emergency.

I hope you don't mind if I give you some advice. We started this when our daughter was 18 also, and I wish to God that I had the nerve to shut this stuff off earlier, because maybe we wouldn't have spend the last 5 years living in hell. My daughter wasn't used to living the life of a homeless person and she didn't like it. It was with out a doubt the ONLY thing that forced her into recovery. No car and no phone was not a way she wanted to live.

Do you still hold her on your health insurance? Let me tell you, the bill for her 72 days of care (35 days in-patient; 25 days of PHP (partial hospitalization; and 12 days of IOP, and recovery house) is over 100K. Granted our insurance covered what is considered a high-end inpatient program, so the costs were more than most but we were still responsible for the recovery house which is $500/month. Substance abuse treatment in this country is expensive.

Leana

As per the advice of others- you know your daughter, do you think she'll tell you the truth? What does your gut say? She did a complete turn over a relatively short period of time. I was also warned by friends that my daughter was using hard drugs. I asked her, she lied and said "No way mom, in fact, I am trying to help "him" get off. He really wants to be sober. What a load of crap.

If your gut is saying she's using then how about this, tell her either she takes a drug test, or everything is shut off.

Dollykarma

After reading and talking to other parents that have been through things like we are we will be taking our daughters car and cell phone. I was wondering if anyone has advise on how to deal with the worry and pain once I have no way to contact her. It's so hard even if it's the right thing to do.

Mountainmanbob

well she is 18 and out on her own now
plus
she's not living with you or going to school

seems you may wish to have a talk with her
let her know
she is on her own now and a big girl
so in short time you will be stopping the insurance and phone monthly cost
she can pick those up on her own (her responsibility anyway)
the car I think should be considered as hers to keep

be sure to transfer the car (title) totally into her name only
this would protect you in most states (thus - legal age 18)

MM

Leana

Hi Dollykarma:

Good choice by the way! And...at this point, you don't know for sure that you will have to worry, she may accept this as a sign she needs to go to recovery (our daughter did, and it only took a few hours without that phone and car to force her into it.) Think positive until you know for sure.

I am new to this, so I may not be the best person to ask to help but what we are doing is working . But I have to say, our daughter is now committed to recovery, so that helps.

1. If you haven't read a post on "detaching" yet, search for it. It was the number one thing that helped me through this hell. It was soooo hard at first but I kept saying to myself, "I cannot control my daughter's addiction but I CAN make sure that I do not contribute to her continued drug/alcohol use." Say it over and over and over.

If your life is anything like mine, I bet you can't get through an hour, hell a minute without your thoughts turning to your daughter's choices. I had to stop, my worrying about her was doing nothing except making me a physical & emotional wreck.

Also let me say, that when I stopped worrying about her and made her responsible for her own actions, she actually "grew up" a little bit. Your daughter may surprise you, she may not but it is her life and her choice to use.

I can't give you any advice as to how to get rid of the pain. I still can't get away from that either.

I just want to prepare you for the total anger that is going to be directed toward you once she hears your decision. As she ranting, don't react, remember it's the drugs talking. Every rant she throws your way, respond with "we love you and want you to get help, when you're ready, we will be standing beside you as we have done all your life. But we can't stand by as you kill yourself."

GOOD LUCK. If you want to talk privately, please PM me.

Leana

I disagree with letting her keep the car.

Seriously, do you really think she will be able to come up with the money to pay for the insurance? An 18 year old on her own policy; the cost will be astronomical. And what does that mean? That more than likely, she will drive without insurance.

I know, I know- that will be her decision and her consequences BUT ethically I just could not do that. If anything happened, I would not have been able to forgive myself that my child cause harm to someone and had to suffer for her choices. I just couldn't do it. So we took the car. I had no qualms, we paid for it.

It is your decision but unless she shows you a paid insurance premium, I would take the car. (I also think in the long run it gives you more leverage.)

Hawkeye13

I agree with Leana about taking the car. She didn't earn the money to pay for it, so if she cannot demonstrate the ability to, at the very least, keep it fully insured, she is just putting other people at risk who will have no way to recover anything were they to be injured. The leverage thing is also part of it. She's an adult. That can be tough.

I send you hugs and sympathy Dolly. Having to see your baby go through this must be one of the hardest things a parent must face. It isn't easy to let them make choices that may not be the best, but it does seem like the only way out of an addiction situation. Please remember to take care of yourself as much as you can too.