Tired and sad....
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 34
Tired and sad....
Same story, as many, I suppose. My ah underwent a medical detox in June. His work was compassionate, and helpful, and his brother foot the $600 or so tab for the detox. It was the second detox in roughly 2 years, and after a year of sobriety give or take. (I can't be 100% sure on sobriety time as he was predictably concealing his drinking after the initial detox.) He slipped fairly quickly after that (the second one) I was angered beyond belief. Ppl rearrange their lives to ensure we are okay, and fork out their own cash to facilitate his detox, and he turns around and picks up the bottle yet again. What a slap in the face to our benefactors. And to myself and his children. Needless to say, we chalked that, as I said before, up to a 'slip'.
But as time has elapsed, several months since the 'slip', he is for all intents, and purposes, in a full on relapse now. I discovered a bottle in his shaving kit, yesterday, and went out on the deck today to discover 5 empty vodka bottles behind a bag of potting soil I had gone out to get.
I put the bottles by the door so that he will see them when he comes home from work, and he will know that I know.
I don't know what should happen from here. Should I open a dialogue about what he might intend to do about it (AGAIN)?? Would that course of action be counter intuitive to 'detachment'? Do I now, since we have been through this before, just focus on myself, and caring for our children (12 and 15)- and hope he cleans up 'his side of the street'? Should I call his brother and let him know of the relapse? (I told him I would, if it should ever come to pass)
The irony is that my ah received a significant raise yesterday, with a contract promising a management position come April. Something that should be exciting and happy for me/us, is bittersweet. I feel it is only a matter of time before he drives this huge acknowledgement into the ditch somehow because of alcohol. Every time I attempt to broach this subject with him, he clams right up, sometimes gets downright angry, and ultimately will use the fact that I called him on his ******** as an excuse to get drunk.
But as time has elapsed, several months since the 'slip', he is for all intents, and purposes, in a full on relapse now. I discovered a bottle in his shaving kit, yesterday, and went out on the deck today to discover 5 empty vodka bottles behind a bag of potting soil I had gone out to get.
I put the bottles by the door so that he will see them when he comes home from work, and he will know that I know.
I don't know what should happen from here. Should I open a dialogue about what he might intend to do about it (AGAIN)?? Would that course of action be counter intuitive to 'detachment'? Do I now, since we have been through this before, just focus on myself, and caring for our children (12 and 15)- and hope he cleans up 'his side of the street'? Should I call his brother and let him know of the relapse? (I told him I would, if it should ever come to pass)
The irony is that my ah received a significant raise yesterday, with a contract promising a management position come April. Something that should be exciting and happy for me/us, is bittersweet. I feel it is only a matter of time before he drives this huge acknowledgement into the ditch somehow because of alcohol. Every time I attempt to broach this subject with him, he clams right up, sometimes gets downright angry, and ultimately will use the fact that I called him on his ******** as an excuse to get drunk.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
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I am so sorry! Addicts are sneaky that is for sure. I too was so mad when my AH relapsed after rehab. His sister in law (who is paid back now) lent him $5k to cover his bond (keep in mind, this man has a full time job in social work, not some bumb on the street) and we paid for rehab. Luckily insurance paid alot, but it was a huge expense for us out of pocket too. What an insult to her that he continues to relapse. Goodness, I cannot wrap my head around it, but I guess I am glad of that, I do not want to have his thinking!
That being said, you now have to focus on YOU and YOUR CHILDREN. He is in full relapse. Detatch from it. YOU don't have to figure out what he is going to do. HE does. YOU have to figure out what you will do for you and your kids. Get support. Go to Celebrate Recovery or Alanon. You cannot help your kids if you don't help yourself, and they need you to be their rock, he sure does not seem up for the job.
It is baby steps and stages. First step, Admitting. You have to wrap your mind around it all. You don't have to decide anything for today except to realize you cannot fix him. You did not cause it and you cannot control it or cure it. I would tell his brother. One clear thing my AH knows is that I no longer cover up for him. I won't lie, and that includes to my children (8 and 14). I also tell his sister. I hate liars and I hated the way it made me feel not to tell. It gives me some freedom to talk about it to others. Nope, he should not do it if he expects me to cover up for him.
Keep posting, you are not alone in this.
That being said, you now have to focus on YOU and YOUR CHILDREN. He is in full relapse. Detatch from it. YOU don't have to figure out what he is going to do. HE does. YOU have to figure out what you will do for you and your kids. Get support. Go to Celebrate Recovery or Alanon. You cannot help your kids if you don't help yourself, and they need you to be their rock, he sure does not seem up for the job.
It is baby steps and stages. First step, Admitting. You have to wrap your mind around it all. You don't have to decide anything for today except to realize you cannot fix him. You did not cause it and you cannot control it or cure it. I would tell his brother. One clear thing my AH knows is that I no longer cover up for him. I won't lie, and that includes to my children (8 and 14). I also tell his sister. I hate liars and I hated the way it made me feel not to tell. It gives me some freedom to talk about it to others. Nope, he should not do it if he expects me to cover up for him.
Keep posting, you are not alone in this.
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
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Hi there - Friday night can be a quiet time around here; don't feel like you're not getting heard just because only a few people are responding.
I'm sorry to hear your roller coaster is still going. There are As who find recovery (some of the most insightful posters here are double-winners, alcoholics AND family of alcoholics).
There's no knowing what the A in your life will do. So whatever he does, make sure you take care of yourself.
I know we plug Al-Anon and all its advantages here, but one that I've thought a lot about lately is that even when I was too sad and pained to speak, or even to take in the stories of others, Al-Anon was the one place that was ME TIME. The one time when there were no expectations placed on me, no musts. I could just BE. And that cocoon saved my sanity at times.
Stay. Read. Post.
I'm sorry to hear your roller coaster is still going. There are As who find recovery (some of the most insightful posters here are double-winners, alcoholics AND family of alcoholics).
There's no knowing what the A in your life will do. So whatever he does, make sure you take care of yourself.
I know we plug Al-Anon and all its advantages here, but one that I've thought a lot about lately is that even when I was too sad and pained to speak, or even to take in the stories of others, Al-Anon was the one place that was ME TIME. The one time when there were no expectations placed on me, no musts. I could just BE. And that cocoon saved my sanity at times.
Stay. Read. Post.
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Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 109
"Something that should be exciting and happy for me/us, is bittersweet. I feel it is only a matter of time before he drives this huge acknowledgement into the ditch somehow because of alcohol."
I'm so sorry to hear about your AH's relapse. For me, everything that should have been joyful became bittersweet, and tinged with gray, due to the frustration of living with an alcoholic. I don't know how anyone can truly enjoy the sweet successes in life while married to an alcoholic, as it is a progressive disease.
I also couldn't bear the squandering of help and kindness that our friends and family showed us when AH went to rehab. When AH kept relapsing after rehab, after interventions and sacrifices from our support network, it felt like it was destroying my own integrity. It was, as you put it, a slap in the face to my loved ones. I no longer felt justified asking for help for my AH, but for only myself, as I extricated the children and myself from the disaster.
Seeing a loved one through rehab is exhausting, watching them relapse is so sad. You are absolutely justified in feeling that way. Any little thing you can do for yourself right now is necessary and well-deserved: go for a walk, read a favorite book, take a warm bath, drink hot cider dusted with cinnamon... Something to restore you, at the deepest level possible.
Hugs,
B
I'm so sorry to hear about your AH's relapse. For me, everything that should have been joyful became bittersweet, and tinged with gray, due to the frustration of living with an alcoholic. I don't know how anyone can truly enjoy the sweet successes in life while married to an alcoholic, as it is a progressive disease.
I also couldn't bear the squandering of help and kindness that our friends and family showed us when AH went to rehab. When AH kept relapsing after rehab, after interventions and sacrifices from our support network, it felt like it was destroying my own integrity. It was, as you put it, a slap in the face to my loved ones. I no longer felt justified asking for help for my AH, but for only myself, as I extricated the children and myself from the disaster.
Seeing a loved one through rehab is exhausting, watching them relapse is so sad. You are absolutely justified in feeling that way. Any little thing you can do for yourself right now is necessary and well-deserved: go for a walk, read a favorite book, take a warm bath, drink hot cider dusted with cinnamon... Something to restore you, at the deepest level possible.
Hugs,
B
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Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,424
Hi SE;
I'm sorry you are dealing with this situation and the fact that he keeps relapsing must be so very frustrating and painful for you.
I think the focus should be on you and your kids. What do you need to do to care for yourself and them? If he doesn't want to quit, all the confrontations in the world won't force him to.
What other options do you see as possible from where you are now?
What outcome do you want, what is realistic, and what steps do you need to plan to get where you want to go?
Sorry to ask so many questions, but the only control you really have in this situation is over yourself, your responses, and ultimately your actions.
You see clearly he uses any confrontation with you to drink. That's most likely what will happen again based on past performance.
What can you do differently to change the situation? It may be helpful to think it out, but you only need act on it in small steps and only when and if you are good and ready.
Please take care of yourself and keep posting.
I'm sorry you are dealing with this situation and the fact that he keeps relapsing must be so very frustrating and painful for you.
I think the focus should be on you and your kids. What do you need to do to care for yourself and them? If he doesn't want to quit, all the confrontations in the world won't force him to.
What other options do you see as possible from where you are now?
What outcome do you want, what is realistic, and what steps do you need to plan to get where you want to go?
Sorry to ask so many questions, but the only control you really have in this situation is over yourself, your responses, and ultimately your actions.
You see clearly he uses any confrontation with you to drink. That's most likely what will happen again based on past performance.
What can you do differently to change the situation? It may be helpful to think it out, but you only need act on it in small steps and only when and if you are good and ready.
Please take care of yourself and keep posting.
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
Posts: 2,728
What good does it do for you to say HEY.... I know you're drinking when he can sit n deny it, clam up over it or explode on you?
Sometimes, the best thing to do is to just let go and let God. Or just let go if God is not your thing. Surrender. Just let the pieces fall where they may and don't pick them up.
You have your priorities and what not with yourself and the children. If you don't have a job, maybe now is a good time to start looking. It will get worse before it gets better, at least that's how it seems. I know the depths of despair an alcoholic can put one under.
You have to know that he's going to drink whether or not anyone, family or friends, puts him up for rehab. He has not had enough, nor hit his bottom. What that is, no one knows. It could be him losing his job, losing his family, or him losing his life. No one knows. It's heart wrenching.
You did not cause it. You can not control it. You will not cure it.
Take care of you and the kids.
Detach.
Sometimes, the best thing to do is to just let go and let God. Or just let go if God is not your thing. Surrender. Just let the pieces fall where they may and don't pick them up.
You have your priorities and what not with yourself and the children. If you don't have a job, maybe now is a good time to start looking. It will get worse before it gets better, at least that's how it seems. I know the depths of despair an alcoholic can put one under.
You have to know that he's going to drink whether or not anyone, family or friends, puts him up for rehab. He has not had enough, nor hit his bottom. What that is, no one knows. It could be him losing his job, losing his family, or him losing his life. No one knows. It's heart wrenching.
You did not cause it. You can not control it. You will not cure it.
Take care of you and the kids.
Detach.
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Join Date: Apr 2008
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Detach as much as possible and if that isn't enough, then start thinking about moving on. There are no chains on you. If you have had enough, there's nothing wrong with that. You don't have to make any decisions at this very moment. You have time to decide what is truly best for you and your children.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 34
Thank you all so very much for your support and thoughtful words. You have essentially affirmed what I already felt I should do. Geez, I wish that detachment was an easier word to put into action. To the extent that we depend on him financially, it makes it so difficult for me to step back. If (god forbid) he finds his bottom, it kind of implies bottom for all of us to a certain degree doesn't it? I guess what I have to come to terms with is it will happen (bottom)..or it won't....and regardless of what I do to try to prevent it...right? I just hate feeling like a powerless spectator in my own life....watching things teeter precariously. I love him, and besides this issue, I guess we, as a couple, are in decent shape. However, as time passes, and I witness his relapses, discover bottles, get a whiff of the alcohol on his breath he thinks I can't detect, etc.....my respect and love for this man is steadily eroding. Detach...detach...detach...hold on to the safety bar and detach...
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: PA
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What are you going to do if his bottom is losing financial stability. Who are you going to depend on then?
It can happen. It's not a matter of if but when. Nothing is secure in life with an alcoholic. NOTHING. He/She is a ticking time bomb just waiting to implode. The sad fact is that loved ones are not shielded from the explosion.
It can happen. It's not a matter of if but when. Nothing is secure in life with an alcoholic. NOTHING. He/She is a ticking time bomb just waiting to implode. The sad fact is that loved ones are not shielded from the explosion.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
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Hey, Box. I meant to address that after your first reply, but forgot. And ya, I have sort of taken on this 'mobilize the troops' mentality. I'm not going to be raking in huge amounts, and certainly won't be self sufficient, but I have recently taken on a second job, and I'm keeping my options open when it comes to other possibilities. It gives me some (not much, but some) peace of mind to know that I'm atleast doing something. No small feat for a woman of almost 45 who essentialy stayed home for a good many years catering to the upbringing her kids (12 y/o twins, and a 15 y/o) Never dreamt I'd be preparing for alcoholic fallout at this stage in the game. The irony- sort of abandoned my own career goals (granted it was my own decision) to follow this military man who was seeking to realize his own goals...and here I sit...Dear life, u r a tricky *******.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
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SpringsEternal-
Personally I would tell the brother, and whomever else is in your support system. When we found out that our daughter was using, I immediately told my dad, siblings, friends, and boss. Our daughter was very upset with me for doing that but I told her that I was not going to live in denial. And that I felt that keeping secrets is part of the problem not part of the solution. I trusted those I loved (and also love her) and needed them for my support.
Personally I would tell the brother, and whomever else is in your support system. When we found out that our daughter was using, I immediately told my dad, siblings, friends, and boss. Our daughter was very upset with me for doing that but I told her that I was not going to live in denial. And that I felt that keeping secrets is part of the problem not part of the solution. I trusted those I loved (and also love her) and needed them for my support.
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Ppl rearrange their lives to ensure we are okay, and fork out their own cash to facilitate his detox, and he turns around and picks up the bottle yet again.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 34
New developments. Things evolved very quickly after I confronted ah on the deck while he was smoking about how deeply he had been pulled back in. He acknowledged that it was pretty bad again. Lots of interim info, but ultimately he ended up calling his mom while I was at work yesterday. She showed up in the afternoon (she lives two hours away), and had a good chat with her son. And ultimately they left this morning and she took him to detox for the 3rd and God willing, the final time. He has intentions of following it up with a stay in some sort of rehab setting. He has work covered, for the time being, but there's no knowing if things will be fine that way....only time will really tell. I'm certainly not holding my breath as far as his promotion goes......thanks for the Xmas present honey.
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Join Date: May 2010
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You know what, this is a time for you to work on you. He can do what he wants to fix himself. If he wants to he will, it's his choice. It has taken me years to get here but I can truly see (duh...I know) that I cannot will my AH to do the right thing. He has to choose it for himself. And I have no control over if he will do that or not, it's up to him. And it is good to give that back to him, for him to see and realize it. It helps me not to feel responsible for his actions or to try to "fix" him, and it allows him to feel responsibility for himself, one way or another.
I hope you go to Alanon or Celebrate Recovery or do something to get face to face support for YOU. Maybe it is a better Xmas present than you thought. You can do this and we will be holding your hand each baby step of the way!
I hope you go to Alanon or Celebrate Recovery or do something to get face to face support for YOU. Maybe it is a better Xmas present than you thought. You can do this and we will be holding your hand each baby step of the way!
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Join Date: Jul 2013
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No beds available at detox center. He is now on his way back....FML....I was embracing the thought that at least for a few days I wouldn't have to babysit- calm my codependent fever. And, yes, thoroughly my intention to try to get that face to face support you speak of, hopeful. I'm from a smallish community and will not attend a meeting here. I would travel to a neighboring city. Current weather/work schedule make it tricky. I'm getting a little better at 'letting go', and detaching, and I will continue to work on that. To the extent that all this will likely take a huge financial toll, however, makes it very hard to step back. He is going down, and as a result, his family is drowning too....hard to take a deep breath and allow his mistakes to be his own, when my own head threatens to go below the surface as a result of his actions. He has visited this hardship upon us, and that aspect of it I find particularly hard to detach from.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
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Posts: 34
Ah has was given a bed st the detox center Thursday morning. I think, if I remember correctly, that this is a 5 day proposition. While still in turmoil, I have had a relatively calm 48 hrs. Not worrying about whether he's drinking (and all the codependent behaviors that go along with that), and the joys of sleeping without the drunken snores beside me? HEAVEN! I'm increasingly aware how alcohol absolutely pollutes EVERYTHING for me in this household. God willing, I can hopefully recharge enough to weather the next stage of this process upon his return. I have no illusions, I realize this is but the first stop in a long journey (a journey we have taken before....uggh).
I'm glad to say that his job has chosen to back him this one time as he attempts to get well. In addition to the fact that I have told him I CAN NOT/WILL NOT be married to this issue, perhaps the knowledge that he could potentially be jobless at a pivotal point in his career, might provide further incentive to fight the good fight. Never have the stakes been greater.
I'm glad to say that his job has chosen to back him this one time as he attempts to get well. In addition to the fact that I have told him I CAN NOT/WILL NOT be married to this issue, perhaps the knowledge that he could potentially be jobless at a pivotal point in his career, might provide further incentive to fight the good fight. Never have the stakes been greater.
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