SCAN2CROW

I was with my ex for 18 months but have known him for 10 years. When I started dating him I thought he was 7 years sober but he started drinking again about 2 years before we started seeing each other. He walked out on me about 3 months ago and I know this is the best thing for me but I miss and love him. He has no contact with me and I have none with him but I can't get him out of my mind. I have been going to alanon and seeing a therapist but I still think about him constantly. I want it to stop and be able to move on but I can't seem to do that. I Can't get past him walking out with no explanation at all just a phone call telling me he would be home in 2 hours and I never saw him again until he brought the police to my home 2 months later to pick up his belongings. How do I get past this and move on?

pattyG

Wow, that is harsh. I think any normal person would have the same questions. Unfortunately, it is impossible to make any sense of why A's do what they do. I am glad you see that his leaving was a blessing even though you are hurting. Have you tried writing him a let, but not sending it? I also would recommend a e-book by Kathryn alice - "releasing a person". It is on kindle for like $2. It is short but very good at helping get thru what you are dealing with.
Amazon.com: Releasing a Person: Fast Recovery from Heartbreak, a Breakup or Divorce (Love Attraction #1) (Love Attraction Series) eBook: Kathryn Alice: Books

SparkleKitty

Hi S2C, I would like to gently suggest you re-frame the language of your thinking as a conscious step towards a more optimistic future.

Instead of saying "I can't get over my alcoholic ex," try "I am not yet over him."

Instead of "I can't get past what happened," try "I am not yet past what happened."

It may be a small thing, but in "can't" statements there is an implied judgment that there is something wrong with what you are feeling or where you are at. And there isn't. You're grieving. It's a natural process and it takes time. It never takes as little time as we think or hope it will. Being patient and loving with ourselves during the process is important. So instead of dooming yourself to endless, impenetrable grief, maybe try acknowledging that you're just not there yet and forgiving yourself for it.

Sending you strength and patience.

NYCDoglvr

This is part of being codependent and I suggest Alanon. Get as busy as possible, try fast walking, go out with friends. It will pass, it just takes time.

shil2587

I'm not sure I agree that loving and missing someone who hurt you - after you've been in love and in a relationship for that long is co-dependant!

I too am in month 3 after a similarly sudden dumping. It still hurts like F*** like I've had an arm or a leg torn off. But that's ok. That's normal. My heart really goes out to you. All I can say is that sometimes, when something is so painful, it can help to remove reminders of that and tuck it away in the back of you mind for a week. Just a week. Give yourself a little time to recover before you take it out and examine it.

Easier said than done, I know. One way I do it is to buy all new bedclothes and throw out anything that I might try to smell him on (sad I know, but I miss his smell on my pillow). Work longer hours for a week, spend a weekend with some friends.

It's what someone suggested to me and it's really helped. I went from crying every day, several times to only having cried two or three times in that week of NOT thinking about it, and I do feel much better.

It's ok to miss him. It's ok to hurt. Give yourself a week and then let yourself feel it with a little distance. It hurts a little less when you do that.

Sending you hugs hun, lots of them. xx

lillamy

Sure you can.

I was in a relationship with an A (this is before I married one -- yes, I'm a repeat offender) and when he broke up with me I used to sit in my hallway and look at the phone and cry and say to myself "I CAN NOT LIVE WITHOUT HIM!"

Funny thing was, I just continued living. Without him. And it went just fine. Well, you know, apart from me jumping straight into the arms of ANOTHER alcoholic and marrying him and heading straight into 20 years of hell. So don't do that. Take care of yourself. Don't short-change yourself. And don't date another drunk.

Give yourself time to grieve. Even if you get dumped by a douchebag, it can still hurt. And you know what they say, right? "LIVING WELL IS THE BEST REVENGE." Onwards, friend.

trixie56

My XABF also walked out on me without any fight, explanation, or anything. At the time it was brutally painful, but looking back, I can now see the situation much more clearly…At first I blamed myself and wondered what I did wrong, why I didn't make him happy. With time, I came to see that it had nothing to do with me and everything to do with him. Honestly, if he hadn't gone AWOL, I probably would've put up with his crap and total disrespect for who knows how long. So, I'm glad to hear you know that he did you a favor by leaving, as hard as that is to accept.

Right now I'm sure you are in a lot of pain (rightfully so), but rest assured that, with some time, you too will come out of this stronger than you went in.

fluffyflea

[
Maybe re-read your description of how he broke up with you and get damn angry about it rather than crying over him.






QUOTE=SCAN2CROW;4293598]I was with my ex for 18 months but have known him for 10 years. When I started dating him I thought he was 7 years sober but he started drinking again about 2 years before we started seeing each other. He walked out on me about 3 months ago and I know this is the best thing for me but I miss and love him. He has no contact with me and I have none with him but I can't get him out of my mind. I have been going to alanon and seeing a therapist but I still think about him constantly. I want it to stop and be able to move on but I can't seem to do that. I Can't get past him walking out with no explanation at all just a phone call telling me he would be home in 2 hours and I never saw him again until he brought the police to my home 2 months later to pick up his belongings. How do I get past this and move on?[/QUOTE]

nbay2013

I appreciate this advice. I spent many months in slowly dying relationship and questioning why I was in it, and beating myself up emotionally for my inability to cut the ties. Then, when it came to it's inevitable end, I thought I would feel better. But I didn't! I missed him so much! Which makes me feel like a total tool because I suffered so much already. It's embarrassing for me to say I miss a dry drunk alcoholic whose life was total chaos. I say this with a certain amount of dark humor, because my feelings of love for him still endure and it pisses me off! lol But the point is, just because the relationship was bad, the ending was bad, it IS normal to grieve for someone we gave our hearts to. But it is a real pisser to have to go through it.

But it IS normal for everyone to grieve. For an alcoholic or a Normie.

csd

Scan, I hope you checked this little book out.

PATTYG,

Amazon.com: Releasing a Person: Fast Recovery from Heartbreak, a Breakup or Divorce (Love Attraction #1) (Love Attraction Series) eBook: Kathryn Alice: Books

Thank you for that reference, you know, I dont believe in that stuff, but i downloaded that the other day. And wow, I felt better after reading it, im lifted, thats totally awesome. I recommend it highly.

SCAN2CROW

So on Monday I found out my ex was arrested for DWI and I'm not sure if I should contact him. Just a side note he owes me a lot of money and I hired an attorney to retrieve it so he probably got the notice on Monday as well. I don't want to cause him any more stress this is his 3rd DWI but I do still care what happens to him. I wanted him to get healthy but I did not envision it happening this way. Any thoughts on what I should do

SparkleKitty

If you have an attorney for the money issue, then allow the attorney to deal with it.

You can care what happens to him without inserting yourself in the middle of it and opening yourself up to more pain. Your ex still has a ways to go, it seems, before he is ready for recovery, and there are no guarantees that this incident will make any difference in his timeline. You have to take care of yourself and your feelings. He will take care of his.

Refiner

Why would you contact him just because he got another DWI? Let the attorney do the contacting for the money. Btw... doesn't CA have a 3rd strikes law? He may be doing some hard time now.

SherylB

I know exactly how you're feeling because I went through all the stages of loss and somehow it does get better each day. I'm only about 6 weeks out from him leaving, but someone recommended the book, "The Journey from Abandonment to Healing", and it helped me. I'm going to download the other book that's recommended in this thread too. I need all the help I can get. Anyway, I'm here to say that it DOES get better! I feel free for the first time in 15 years. My AH is also an abuser, though, so that could account for the feeling of freedom, but I'm free from the craziness in the house too. The sick part of me misses what I WANTED him to be, but that part will NEVER be. He's never going to be a good husband or a good dad or even a good person. It's just not who he is and I'm trying to accept that and move on...no matter how hard that is. Eventually, you'll get there too.

Good luck! The support here is AMAZING! When I was up for 5 nights in a row...no sleep in sight...the people here were there for me and helped me through the extremely rough times and I know they will continue to be there.

nbay2013

I concur on this book. I am reading it slowly and carefully. It really helps in the sense of supporting how I feel and how to move through such pain. I take it on long bike rides and read it during breaks.

marie1960

Exactly, what would be the reason/purpose to contact him?

If you hired an attorney, all you need to do is step back, and allow the attorney to do his job.

IMHO calling him is opening a can of worms, nothing good will come of it. Keep your distance!

I understand that you still care for him, BUT there really is nothing more you can say or do to help this situation and in the process you might just end up shooting yourself in the foot.

Stay strong and focused!

AnvilheadII

HE owes you a ton of money. HE just got his THIRD DWI (and thankfully didn't maim or kill anyone in the process). HE is the source of his own stress. you hired the attorney for a specific purpose, let him do his job. his problems require NOTHING from you.

shil2587

Do you mind if I ask, how did you find out? If he is no contact with you...

SCAN2CROW

l mutual friend told me about the arrest

SherylB

Let him go. That's all I can say. When people on here were saying they envied me, I didn't understand why at first, but I've sure been enlightened.

The best thing my AH did for me is set me free. I used to pray I could be free of him and although I do have a child with him and will have to have contact for her sake, I'm now free to move on and stop feeling like my life was doom and gloom every day. Every day is a new day and although it has setbacks, I see a positive future. I hope you can let go and be free too.