luvmyfurbabies

Well, last night I did the unthinkable. I tried to have a talk with him about his drinking. Not a good idea. I told him I love him, but I hate the disease and the fact that I'm number 2. Beer is number 1. I've asked him before to come home just one night not drinking so we could have a nice pleasant evening and he just won't or can't do it. He absolutely will not discuss his feelings with me. He just clams up. So, he ended up walking away from me and slept on the couch last night. This morning, I get the silent treatment. I did get an "I love you" when he left for work after I said it first. Now he will have an attitude with me because God forbid I should question his relationship with his Natural Light. So, why do I feel guilty???? Is it because he is such a good guy? Because he works hard, doesn't complain about my pets, doesn't go to bars, cooks dinner ALOT, etc. Someone please tell me if I did the wrong thing? I'm really getting worried because I feel myself losing this battle when it's really not my battle to fight. What do I do? I want so much to feel close to him, and I don't. He's not a talker, he just won't discuss this "THING" that's tearing us apart. He doesn't see it as a problem. Why do I? Help!! I need words of advice and some hope. Barbara

Dawn10

You stated, " I did the wrong thing!" No, you did not. You did the right thing and the truth hurt when you confronted him. You said the unspeakable. For so long the ostrich in the sand phenomana of " if it isn't said outloud it isn't so" has existed and now that you dared to speak the truth he is trying to make you feel guilty. Do not feel guilty. Feel proud and keep on trying to communicate. Most importantly, if you are not already doing so, find an ALANON gourp and go. You will garner such strength and support.
Keep posting.

dax

In a marriage if something is bothering you , you should mention it to your spouse. There is no reason to feel guilty. Of course when dealing with an alcoholic, you arew going to get denial and lies. When my husband was drinking[he has 25 years sobriety] I had 2 small children and many dogs , cats and 2 horses. I was really trapped because I could not afford to leave my acre of land- it was filled with my pets. I finally told him someone was going to have to leave. But whoever stayed in the house had the resonsibilty of pet and child care. Thank heavens I called alanon. they told me about a chapter 9 meeting. To ask my husband to go but to go alone if necessary. He went and has been sober ever since. He became sober and realised through the years, a whole bunch of animals had moved in. hugs to you dax

StandingStrong

I can so relate to this. I tried to talk to AH for many years about his drinking. Sometimes it would be sparadic and other times it seemed like it was on a daily basis!

Voicing your concerns about the health and well-being of someone you love is not wrong!
And sometimes the truth just hurts!

There are so many reasons why he could have responded the way he did. Only he knows for sure what was going through his mind.

But as was mentioned before - it would do you a world of good to join Alanon. I hope that you do.

Magichappens

Have you talked to him about these things? It might help him to feel better about talking if you point out the good things and start the conversation on a positive note. I respond a lot better when someone approaches me that way. "Hey, here are the good things I appreciate about you. Oh and by the way I would love to spend more time with the person I appreciate." Instead of "You are hurting me because you are ignoring me."
Same message, different response.

constant

Gotta agree.....you did do the right thing.....just because it was the right thing doesn't mean he will think so. He probably does realize the wedge that his drinking creates.....that doesn't mean he will agree w/you....but I bet he IS thinking about what you said.

Treat yourself!!! Instead of worrying about what he is thinking or why he isn't "talking" to you....make plans to treat yourself. Do something you enjoy and eventually he will talk again.....in the mean time you have fun! Constant

Lorelai

This is big hot button for me. I know just how you feel. I talked to my H for 15 years and he has never opened up about how he feels about it. I was constantly trying to figure out how to say what I felt so that he would understand. I cried, yelled, threatened, told him how great he was, how much I loved him, how afraid I was... I considered learning a foreign language ... Anything to get him to understand !

I came to the conclusion that he either understood perfectly but wasn't willing to admit it because that would be acknowledging the problem OR he never would understand. Either way, it was not good for me to talk to him about it. It didn't accomplish anything and ended up with me feeling worse.

If I had it to do over again, I would pick a time when he wasn't drunk. I would tell him my feelings in a clear way. I would tell him all of the things I love about him and that I was afraid I would lose him. Then, I would tell him that if he ever felt like he wanted to discuss the problem with me, I was always ready and willing to listen. Then I would stop talking.

I spent too much time thinking that I could get him to understand which detracted from concentrating on me.
Just the point of view of someone who was there a really long time -
L

LostDream

I think you did the right thing. And I understand all too well what you're going through. Only the situation is reversed.
My wife has no concept of what she's doig to our relationship. I'm just like your husband in a lot of way.

I do all the cooking, cleaning, mostly hiding her throw-up (recently, I started making her clean up her own mess) excusing her behavior from from friends and family that just don't get why she acts the way she does.

Yeah, I feel your frustration, and I don't know what to do either. I've told others that I want to leave and get away from the madness, but then I found this place and only by the Grace of God, is she getting another chance.

But I still love the fool. Why, I don't know. I guess I remember when there were good times and I want them back. But you can't do anything more than what you're doing.

Slept on the couch huh? That's funny for a female. Well make friends with it. Cause until he sobers up, you're going to be visiting it a lot in the future.

Pray for me and I'll pray for you.

good luck-

luvmyfurbabies

Well he's home from work and I'm still getting the silent treatment and he brought home a 12 pack. Yaaay!!! Along with all of this my crazy father is crazy again. A short history of my father: He broke his back about 30 years ago and after 4 operations suffers from chronic back pain. He takes morphine, Risperdol (sp?) which is a drug for his Trichotillomania (he thinks he has stitches in his head and he tries to pull them out), Zoloft, and Elavil. In April he was kicked out of the Assisted Living facility where he lived for 1 1/2 years for smoking in his room. I found him a subsidized apartment about 4 miles from me. Another Yaaaay!!! He called awhile ago and said he can't stand the pain and I need to meet him at the Emergency Room. He says they won't treat him unless he has someone to drive him home. I told him no. We do this about every other week. He claims my mother turned me against him, that I hate him, that I stole from him for the past 2 years while he was in the ALF. I just can't deal with all of this. Calgon take me away. I think I need a counselor. Barbara :crazy:

Nightowl

I wouldn't be able to take that either. Finda counselor ...you need to deal with all this issues. It's too much for one person to handle.

huge huge hugs to you

DRC

Hi Barbara,
I wanted to let you know that you did the absolute right thing. It isn't easy. I did the same thing with my husband and I can't tell you how many nights he slept in the spareroom either because he was angry that I pointed out the obvious or that he was so drunk we'd just argue over anything. Good news is that on Thursday I drove him to a treatment center where he is now. It was his idea and I thank God for it! Please hang in there. It won't be easy and you never know when its going to happen. It could be one small thing that you'd never think would make them realize the problem, but it can happen. God Bless you and keep you in his care.
DRC