allthatsgood

Even though I've been reading and posting on SR for over a year, it's as if I never learned anything. The recovery I embraced and thought I worked so hard on seems to have disappeared with the thought of my son possibly relapsing. Time reveals more and it has in my case. With each day the signs are pointing to a relapse , although my son has not admitted to using. Something is wrong. I don't know what to say or what to do because I can't think clearly. Should my husband and I offer him our help with detox and rehab? I know he has to want to be clean again and we can't force it on him but I know he won't ask for our help. He didn't the last time - we offered it to him.

Raider

I don't understand. Did you actually relapse?

overit263

Can you drug test him and keep your boundaries from there? I know it can be scary, but you have to face it head on. You know that his use is out of your control anyway, so if the drug test is positive, or you have enough evidence that you know he's using, offer him a ride to rehab? Does he live with you now?

You need to be prepared that he may not want to be clean. My friend in recovery told me that when my xah relapsed the first time. I kicked him out, offered him a ride to rehab but he wasn't allowed in my home. I'm sorry that you are going through this. It is very difficult and traumatic, especially since you have no control over it and you want nothing more than for him to be healthy and okay.

Carlotta

Codependents relapse too. I have slips myself where I will go back to my old pattern of trying to control the alcoholics in my life. Good thing is that I am aware enough to identify when I start going in crazy codie mode, have a good laugh at myself and pull the brakes. Took me a long time and lot of work to get to that point.

AnvilheadII

what if......you just let it be and let things play out? as hard as that may be. he knows you support recovery, getting clean. he knows you have offered rehab. he isn't interested right now. he HAS to figure this out for himself.

allthatsgood

Anvil, I did not know how to handle this because of the fact he was clean over a year. I didn't know because of him having this time under his belt he would react differently to our offers of help.

allthatsgood

Carlotta, maybe my Codie recovery wasn't real or as strong as I thought it was.

allthatsgood

You need to be prepared that he may not want to be clean

Overit - this is what i am so afraid of! He does not live with us, he has his own place.

YouWillBe

I feel your pain and anxiety...and yes, that is a relapse when you "go there" and can't get out of the spiraling thoughts of how you can help and what YOU can do. Been there more times than I can count.

It's so hard to wish them clean and them not want it. It's so hard to continually pray for a miracle of recovery and them not want it. It's so hard to dwell in the heartbreak of watching your child kill themselves with drugs and them not wanting to or are unable to quit. It's just plain hard being the parent of a drug addict.

And awfully hard NOT to relapse when things seem to be going well and then all of a sudden they aren't.

If you've offered rehab/treatment he knows where to come for help getting there. He KNOWS. One thing I have to work on is not constantly reiterating that fact and offering again and again and again. Nothing would be more annoying to ME, if someone did that and I wasn't ready for something...I have to remember my child, undoubtedly, feels that when I do it.

But it's incredibly difficult to stop...I know.

DoubleBarrel

You are posting in friends and family.

allforcnm

I know the relationship between parent and child is different than one between spouses, but I think there is nothing wrong with an honest approach. Without accusations, projecting disappointment; just say you have had a feeling when together with him that "something is wrong". Same thing you said here, and then reaffirm you and your husband are there for him, if he ever wants to talk, or needs anything from you, then all he has to do is ask. And for now I would leave it at that, and try to continue to treat him as normal. Show him he has earned your respect this year + he has been in recovery.

lizwig

All that's good....Big cyber hug to you. Those gut feelings are hard to move through.

Youwillbe and Allforcnm said beautifully what I would like to say...much more eloquently than I would have.

Please know your uncertainty is natural. You clearly have recovery because you recognize how uncomfortable you are sitting with this. This anxious feeling doesn't feel right to you anymore.

Talk with him (again) but he prepared to accept his answer. He also knows how good recovery feels. Sending prayers for strength to you...

Lily1918

agreed. I also wouldn't mention anything about relapse at all. If he isn't living in your house, or stolen from you, or borrowed money, then I would just live and let live.

He hasn't crossed any boundaries has he?

hugs to you

sojourner

Allthatsgood: Of course you have relapsed. That is as it should be. No one gets to such a quality recovery that they do not relapse when they know their addicted loved one has returned to the vomit once again. Only those with absolutely no relationships at all do not relapse. It is the nature of relationships.

what is different this time is that you have realized it much sooner. You recognize it for what it is. You know where to go and what to do about it.

You are normal. I would think one of the hard parts of this part of the journey is the fact that what you suspect your son is denying.

Sojourner

needingabreak

I am much newer here than most but I can tell you my son just relapsed and I too had a gut feeling. I did not say anything as I was away and had no way of knowing and very little communication. He ended up talking with his therapist about it and stopped but not sure if that was because he knew it would show up on his drug test or what. Either way, luckily he handled it without his father nor I getting involved. I am not quite sure why reaching out to talk to him would be considered enabling. Steeping back with your addicted child is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. Prayers to you and your son allthatsgood!

overit263

when my axh relapsed for the second time, I couldn't believe that he had made the choice to use again. But you know it's out of your control, and you need to learn to let go. It's out of your hands and you can help by offering treatment. If he doesn't want it you have to let go. I know it's awful, but you can't do anything about it. It is painful as hell, but you don't know what will come in the future. He might hit rock bottom and want the help.

allthatsgood

I have to step away from all of this and consider no contact with my son. The very thought of him breaks my heart. My career is on the line because I can not focus or think clearly anymore. I broke my daughters heart tonight telling her about her brother.

Ann

Hugs from my heart to yours, I know your pain, I know how it hurts to see it happening all over again.

The only way I could ever heal and stop living a life of fear, worrying about my son, was to say a prayer every morning and give his care to God.

Please take good care of yourself. Don't let his addiction destroy you too.

Mama sized hugs

allthatsgood

There's a time for us,
Some day a time for us,
Time together with time to spare,
Time to look, time to care,
Someday!
Somewhere.
We'll find a new way of living,
We'll find a way of forgiving
Somewhere.

spiderqueen

Hi,
I am so sorry that you are suffering this evening. I want you to know you are not alone, and that we are out here, listening and caring.

As a fellow "codie", please allow me to *gently* call you out on the above statement. I sense that you are taking too much responsibility for something that, as many others have said, is out of your hands.

You simply informed your daughter of the current state of things. You certainly did not break her heart.

Your son is responsible for his actions and their consequences, and your daughter is responsible for her well-being (assuming she's not a little child).

I hope you will explore for yourself the best way to take care of you in all this. That's something you are responsible for!