EnglishGarden

This morning I felt a wave of shame and self-criticism about, of all things, my stability.

Some of us here became involved with addicts or recovering addicts who live life in the fast lane. They are erratic, unpredictable, risk-takers, and adrenaline junkies. There is an electricity about them, which can be exhilarating. Who doesn't enjoy a rebel? Our lives are circumscribed by duty and responsibility, and then someone comes along who is a rule-breaker and a radical free spirit. He or she is also a drug addict or an alcoholic or a sex addict or a gambling addict. And became so precisely because he or she enjoys walking on the wild side.

(Actually, it was "Walk on the Wild Side" playing in my head that brought about the wave of shame.)

One thing addicts are famous for is telling their romantic partners that they are boring. Stuck in their ways. Too conservative. Don't know how to have a good time.

This is manipulation and mind control, and unfortunately, it works really well. It hurts anyone to hear that he or she is boring or a dullard.

I was thinking this morning, in my undeserved shame, about the exrabf who was such a rebel, rule-breaker, wild side kind of guy. In fact, not only was he a recovering addict of everything: alcohol, weed, cocaine, heroin. He also had broken about every bone in his body in his extreme need for the adrenaline rush of competitive cycling.

I have had a successful life in many areas, and there is no good reason for me to feel shame. But when I compared myself to his exploits, I felt embarrassed not to have created more chaos. Amazing.

I thought about fictional characters and who would I most want to be like or who would I most want to have in my personal life. And I did not choose, in my mind, the speed addict in "Less than Zero" or the junkies in "Requiem for a Dream" or the drunks in "Days of Wine and Roses" or the money addicts in "Wall Street."

In my mind I chose the father/attorney in "To Kill a Mockingbird." The detective with integrity in "Foyle's War." The brave and faithful character, Matthew, in "Downton Abbey." All of whom might be considered dull by the radical rebels in the world who are snorting lines out in the garage.

I just want to tell those here to not be ashamed that you do not fit in to the addict's world. That you do not fit in is one of your shining accomplishments.

hopeful4

I completely know what you mean. Although my husband has not quite expiremented with that much, he was certainly a rebel compared to what I was usto. It was attractive....16 years ago. Now...not so much. Addicts, or at least my AH is very immature and needs to face up and grow up.

I often think of myself as a stick in the mud lol. Although I can see being around my AH has aged me. I am stifled in personality around him and it is such a natural reaction that I don't even think about it anymore, it just happens. When I see it happening I stop it, but I can see I am a completely different person when he is not around, much more fun loving and free hearted.

I will never choose the addict lifestyle. It may be fun for a while, but it blows up EVERY SINGLE TIME. I am proud to be my boring self! It also means I am the stable rock for my children and have had the same job for 10+ years and all those other things. I don't think it is called being boring...I think it's called STABILITY.

Blessings!

lizwig

Good topic. I have also been accused of being a stick in the mud by my son. "Lighten up Mom, it's just pot....learn how to have some fun" (which has now led to meth...)

But...in those moments I would remind him...."who's the person always willing to race you on the mountain? Who beats you to the bottom of the run? Who is willing to waterski with you and who bought you a dirt bike? I like fun...but I also like PURE fun...the kind that isn't going to get anyone arrested. I look awful in orange and like sleeping in my own bed".

I am guessing there are times they wish they could be content sitting quietly and going to bed early. I like being a fuddy duddy....and I'm guessing I could STILL beat my son on the ski hill. I'm going to bet him a dollar the next time we ski together. Fingers crossed someday we will.

KeepinItReal

This is a great topic. Sometimes I feel like i'm boring. Work everyday. Responsibility. Same old boring routine every week. Yet, I do have fun.
My fun is being able to cuddle my kids or them knowing that I will never leave or go to jail. I have promised them that I will always be there (hope to be until they understand they will out live me)
Yet, even without my RAH saying that I am... I accuse myself of being bored. Maybe because i'm a RA and lived the "psychotic" lifestyle.
We were talking about how lucky we were to have survived it all. To just be breathing today. I told him I would never risk what I use to. I had to put to bed that thinking and when it creeps in I start going over my thankful list. I remember how much I have to lose and how unwilling I am to do that. No substance will ever trap me again.

overit263

Your post timing is perfect. I was just thinking this morning about how I'm trusted with someone's keys to their home that I do a job for. They didn't know me, and they know my ex is an addict and that it's over and they are very supportive. It may not mean anything to them, but it made me think about my good qualities, that I'm trust worthy, responsible etc. and no one would ever have to worry about me stealing from them etc. I felt such relief thinking about how it's over and not having to worry about those things anymore.

HealingWillCome

Ain’t nothing boring about you, EnglishGarden. Of course, you’re wise enough to recognize this, but I get where you’re coming from. The shame or embarrassment hits me every now and then, too. I think anyone who has played the role of the responsible party in the dance with an addict feels this way at some point. Active addicts like to make us think that we’re boring, yet the very reason they choose us is because we provide stability.

When he was clean and sober, working a program, in therapy, etc. (and our relationship was healthy), my xabf would tell me he loved the stability I provided. Towards the end of our relationship, however, he was slinging around the “b” word (boring). He never flat-out called me boring, but he was telling me that our lifestyle was boring, that he missed the bar, he missed his friends in the bar, he missed being able to drink at the events we would go to, etc. We didn’t live together, so he thought he was hiding it from me, but I knew at that point that he had gone back to his first love, marijuana. Relapse on. Starting to drink again was just around the corner, so I called it quits for good.

He probably was bored. His addict voice had taken over at that point. I could have started to beat myself up for ‘being too boring for him’, but I knew better. Been down that road before, and I wasn’t buying into it again. Because…we actually had an incredibly fun relationship when he was clean and sober. I made him laugh all the time. He would tell me that often. We loved being together. We had true joy. But after the addict voice crept in and took control, the bar scene was (in his mind) where the true fun was, and he was missing out. It didn’t matter that he had told me hundreds of times while in recovery how much he loathed what the bar life had brought him.

“Boring” is in the eye of the beholder, or in our cases, the accusatory arsenal of the addict. Just another weapon used to shift blame sometimes. I honestly don’t find my life or myself boring at all, and I’m very happy and at peace by myself right now.

By the way, EG, I love that you asked yourself the fictional character question. A great exercise for anyone, I think. Your characters have great character. Nothing to be ashamed of there.

Vale

The addict pulled that crap on me......ONCE.

I think it was to get a rise, reaction, whatever...when I wasn't 'playing the game'
anymore. I should have verbally given her both barrels in the face right then and there---
but I am a gentleman who promised himself he would never add to her burden.

.......so I'll say it here:

That's rich...taking life advice from a drug addict who trashed her home,family, and life for this CHEMICAL?!?
Put a little spice in your life? You were an out-and-out COWARD
who never had the guts to compete in life. THAT'S why you ended up where you did. You blamed
everyone but yourself for the FACT that your cowardice never allowed you to even STEP UP
to the game of life....and the prizes worth winning. You PRETENDED, in that 'too cool for
school' BS way of yours that you didn't WANT the goodies in life that EVERYBODY wants
.......No, you didn't WANT to be the astronaut----you WANTED to be be the one who empties the
porta-potties and rehabs the launch pad after the rocket departs.

You know what? Bullcrap.NOONE believed it. I least of all. I just threw some sand under your wheels
HOPING you could develop some modicum of torque to get YOURSELF out of the hellish snowbank that YOUR
stupid decisions planted you in.

But you didn't. You just sat there...feeling sorry for yourself.....and froze to death.
Exciting life? You were powerless, and being used like a dish rag. Yours was the excitement of prey
about to be consumed by their persuing predator.

What you called excitement I call cowardice.

Vale

........Did you ever do/say/write something you regretted?

(if not...then you probably did not originate on the same planet I did).

Yes, I meant every word I wrote in the preceding post----and YES,
after 4 years it felt GOOD to get it out.....

None of which excuses the fact that there are things a gentleman just
should not say.....not even anonymously....not even to the ether. It was
disrespectful to a life story fought and lost. Perhaps those who have also
been involved in this knife-fight-in-a-phone-booth called addiction can
identify with the frustration, but it was way out of line and unbecoming
of a gentleman.

Since I cannot erase it---I beg the forgiveness of all who read it.

Regretfully,

Vale

LoveMeNow

There is nothing boring about being able to deal with life on life's terms.....and to do so with grace, dignity, honesty and humility.

Kindeyes

This thread made me chuckle to myself.......Mr KE and I just got back last night from VEGAS BABY!!!! Lol. And we are both boring boring boring boring.

We were there on business.....huge convention for our industry. We stayed in a lovely suite in a fabulous hotel. What did we do for fun? We allotted ourselves $100 to gamble with. When that was gone, we were done (I actually came home with my original $100 PLUS an additional $29....lol). We explored restaurants and ate delicious meals. We went to our room and watched TV, read, or chatted......and we were asleep by 9:00.

We woke up each morning early and got ready for our business day (without a hangover like so many sitting with us through seminars or walking the convention floor).

We are boring......and quite honestly........boring suits us. lol.

gentle hugs
ke

Txhelp

This struck a chord with me! Wonderful post!!!

I am also one of the boring persons. I love it that way! My daughter has said it. I tell people "yes, call it like it is but I see it as balanced, stable, and fun loving!"

lizwig

I'm so boring....I just put down the deposit to hold a beautiful mountain home for myself and 17 of my favorite ski friends....all WOMEN! This is an annual week long trip I do every year. This our 23rd year. My ski trip is older than my son. When we started the trip many of us were just married, starting families, etc....the focus was fun, fun, fun. While the focus has always remained skiing and good times....over the years the friendship and support has taken on an entirely different meaning. Our group has experienced the loss of a husband, divorce, breast cancer, suicide of a child, tragic death of 2 children, alcoholism and now addiction. Although I moved away from the area most of these women reside...it's so nice to know I have access to this incredible group of women. Do we sit and whine about our problems on the trip? Absolutely NOT. We are resilient...we laugh...we cry...we play...we shop...we spa....we celebrate US. When I go "off the grid" in February...you'll all know where I am....living my ho hum "first one to the bottom is a rotten egg" life!

incitingsilence

But what if in the moment you had your own wild side?
What if you thought maybe he could keep up with me?
And what if you were the one that asked him out and went in with eyes very wide open?
What if you knew but couldn’t admit it to yourself until long after the fact that he was this open door? And know that he could still be, if you stopped working on yourself...

Boring to me is washing dishes or folding laundry, geeze the dishes are like torture too I might add … it is just a view as to what excites me as opposed to another. Books and words excite me, music, conversations with the little ones, the ocean, a snowy day, a hike in the mountains, a long car drive, alone time, the absences of chaos I find exciting too … laying on the couch watching a good football game … breaking the tools out, a run to home depot …

Vale

People who live life are exciting.
Those that hide from it are (by definition) .....boring.

EnglishGarden

I've loved reading all these responses.

I shocked everybody...my family and my friends....by suddenly picking up and moving out west to a town I'd been in for all of 12 hours.... People thought I was nuts. I had a teenager and dogs and cats and a house full of stuff. And I got them all out here safe and sound. And out here I got to see whales and I watched the eagles swoop in to catch fish and you would not believe the rainbows and the sunsets I have seen out here.

I was ready to break away from the status quo. And it is great to do that sometimes, it keeps our juices flowing.

But people could still count on me. And I didn't hurt anybody with my personal revolution.

I so much understand Vale's initial post. Because being hurt by an addict creates rage--rage is our natural response to pain-- and the natural reaction is to lash back. And being such nice codependents, we don't, usually, do that, not all the way. But we are angry, we feel rage.

So it was good to read Vale's rage. Thank God for a break from nice. In a safe place. Where people understand.

Thank you for all the feedback. I am working on not feeling less-than. It is like a piece of the poison apple I didn't completely throw up. Still stuck down there. Telling me what a disappointment I was/am. That's why it helped to contrast the fictional characters, putting the behaviors out on a screen where I can see things more clearly and keep some perspective.

needingabreak

English, what a great post! Thought provoking and interesting reading everyone's response. BTW I think getting your anger/frustration, etc is a good thing Vale. Sure didn't offend or bother me in fact I totally understand. I've always thought of myself as quite boring. I love reading how some of you actually do exciting things. Waterski? You'd have to hold a gun to my head. I am a big wuss and scared of my own shadow. It keeps me from doing so much really. FEAR. English, love to read how you moved and the beautiful things you have come across, enjoyed because of it. I think that is pretty darn awesome! I am not sure what things I would do if not for fear. Possibly scuba dive, take flying lessons. I never go on water slides or roller coasters. Think it really has to do with control as well.

EnglishGarden

Me too, afraid to try some things, a lot of things, but too afraid or too shy. After my marriage to an alcoholic ended, many years ago, I forced myself to take swimming lessons just to build my courage. A therapist had told me then that I needed to try to do something I was afraid to do, as part of my recovery. Deep water had always scared me. So off to the pool I went. I did not love it! But I did okay.

With my cross-country move, it seemed to be inside me an unshakeable determination, and all the doors just opened, and not one thing went wrong.

My teenager....you would think a teen would not want to move, but he was very open to it, and some years later I found out about the bullies in his school, and how he had been glad to get away from them. And I often wondered, did God give me that enthusiasm to get away from the old life in part to get my son out of a threatening environment?

And our children can be inspired sometimes by what we risk. Because when it came time for him to go to college, he went to a big city school 3000 miles from home, and it took a lot of courage. He was not an assertive person and was innocent about big-city life. But I think his mother hauling across the plains everything she owned to get to the promised land like the pioneers, I think it helped him know he could try, too, he could take some risks.

Today I am a little more hesitant of taking big chances on new things. But I am working on it. The big stumbling block for me is fear of making a mistake.

lizwig

Needingabreak....I didn't say I waterskied well....just that I was willing to try! tee hee We are an active family and I've been laughed at a lot over the years for my ridiculous stunts (or should I say laughed "with" because I don't take myself too seriously)...but I figure if I don't try I'll never know...it could be my favorite thing EVER!

I say sign up for scuba....learn to fly....double dog dare yourself. And waterslides....here's a tip....don't wear a bikini top....trust me on that.

You know the quote "what would you do if you knew you couldn't fail?" Well...it doesn't mean you have to do it perfectly...just be open to the experience. Ziplining....awesome!

Here's what I've learned. Rollerblades are NOT my friend. I've had 3 incidents. One I crashed in an intersection and had to use the bumper of a car stopped at the light to pull myself up. The poor man thought he'd hit me. My son sat on the curb with his face buried in his hands laughing. He was 10. Second on a paved trail I couldn't stop so grabbed onto a pole and swung myself around it so hard it would put a stripper to shame but stayed upright....how??....and third.... I'm not ready to talk about it yet.

I really miss the fun we used to have as a family. Fortunately my husband is a good sport so we're still on the go a lot....just minus our dear son. Someday....he and God willing.

Katiekate

I'm a has been.

And you Vale are preciouis

needingabreak

English, I grew up on a lake and loved swimming! Not to say I wasn't freaked out by snapping turtles, snakes and eels! Scuba-only afraid of sharks or piranhas. It's funny because my therapist I had several years ago said my husband and I should find something to do together that we are both a bit scared of. We have yet to find that thing we are willing to try. I have gone on water rides and held my eyes closed. My kids laugh hysterically at me. I have learned to laugh at myself through the years. I love that you moved across the states and it gave you strength to do other things. I too believe God knows what is best for us and even though we do not have the answer why, eventually it is revealed to us (as was the case with your son and the bullies-how awful!). HE always knows what is best even when we do not know it ourselves. Liz, you are hysterical. Thanks for the laughs tonight. No matter what our age, we are all still learning aren't we? No bikini top on waterslide-check.