New relationship with a recovering addict: how to support?
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Join Date: Nov 2013
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New relationship with a recovering addict: how to support?
I'm in a fairly new relationship with an addict in recovery (I don't drink or use). He has been honest about his history, goes to NA several times a week, calls his sponsor or peers for support whenever needed, has successfully maintained a job for a number of years and even managed to pay his mortgage in full this year. He is an amazing man with a wonderful heart and seems very committed to his recovery.
We made a pact that each one of us is responsible for dealing with our own issues (group, therapy, self work, whatever it takes), and while we can be supportive of each other, it is not our job to fix each other. So far so good.
Yesterday he invited me to an open NA meeting to celebrate his anniversary. I had never attended a meeting, but was happy for the occasion... However, hearing all the stories (most of the people there knew my BF from back in the day) has triggered that little voice in my head: What happens if...?
I am trying so hard to shut down that negative thinking, be appreciative for all the good things we have right now and take it all one day at a time. Still, being part of that meeting has melted off whatever sugarcoating I had in my mind and things have gotten absolutely real.
Is being confident in his commitment and abilities enough? How can I prepare/educate myself for whatever might (or might not) come? I know rule number 1 is that my life should not revolve around the recovering addict. And my life is pretty great and full right now: my job, social life, Pilates, my own therapy, music lessons, toastmasters, etc, etc. Should I go to Nar Anon just for the education even though the past didn't affect me and I am not trying to control my addict? I feel that if I skip one of my activities to add Nar Anon to my schedule I might end up resenting it... Is just reading about the issue enough? What would yo do in my situation?
Thanks so much for your input!
We made a pact that each one of us is responsible for dealing with our own issues (group, therapy, self work, whatever it takes), and while we can be supportive of each other, it is not our job to fix each other. So far so good.
Yesterday he invited me to an open NA meeting to celebrate his anniversary. I had never attended a meeting, but was happy for the occasion... However, hearing all the stories (most of the people there knew my BF from back in the day) has triggered that little voice in my head: What happens if...?
I am trying so hard to shut down that negative thinking, be appreciative for all the good things we have right now and take it all one day at a time. Still, being part of that meeting has melted off whatever sugarcoating I had in my mind and things have gotten absolutely real.
Is being confident in his commitment and abilities enough? How can I prepare/educate myself for whatever might (or might not) come? I know rule number 1 is that my life should not revolve around the recovering addict. And my life is pretty great and full right now: my job, social life, Pilates, my own therapy, music lessons, toastmasters, etc, etc. Should I go to Nar Anon just for the education even though the past didn't affect me and I am not trying to control my addict? I feel that if I skip one of my activities to add Nar Anon to my schedule I might end up resenting it... Is just reading about the issue enough? What would yo do in my situation?
Thanks so much for your input!
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Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 731
Gosh...this is a terrific post! It shows that the relationship is healthy-recovery wise.
However, there are no guarantees in life. Addiction is a lifelong fight. Relapse happens to those you'd never think it would.
Keep yourself healthy and boundaries secure. It sounds as if you already do!
My husband was 13 years sober from meth but relapses 3 months ago. We are almost a year married and dated 3 years prior. I know about his addiction history but he was NOT in recovery. He never learned about the process of addiction or sought support. He walked away from meth and built his life again. However, 3 months ago....I was blown away how our life had changed so quickly, so dramatically.
I guess what I should say is know what you are getting into....but judge by his actions.
What if......you can add relapse the equation of....what if he cheated? what if he got sick? what if.....?
However, there are no guarantees in life. Addiction is a lifelong fight. Relapse happens to those you'd never think it would.
Keep yourself healthy and boundaries secure. It sounds as if you already do!
My husband was 13 years sober from meth but relapses 3 months ago. We are almost a year married and dated 3 years prior. I know about his addiction history but he was NOT in recovery. He never learned about the process of addiction or sought support. He walked away from meth and built his life again. However, 3 months ago....I was blown away how our life had changed so quickly, so dramatically.
I guess what I should say is know what you are getting into....but judge by his actions.
What if......you can add relapse the equation of....what if he cheated? what if he got sick? what if.....?
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
Even in new relationships which do not have an addiction component, both people are wearing masks, even if they say they aren't, and only time reveals who the individual really is, what the individual really expects from the other, and how the individual operates in the outer world and in the personal world.
Addiction is a condition which thrives on lies and illusions and on unhealthy dependencies, not only on substances but also on people. And it is going to take a considerable amount of time to fully trust a recovering addict, in my opinion, because the tendency to lie, to escape, to shift blame, and to pretend to be someone other than who he/she is has been a lifestyle.....and the more years as an active addict, the more set the patterns.
Relationships with addicts are more dangerous, in my opinion, than ordinary relationships. Some people may say to you "nothing is for sure, all relationships are full of unknowns." Those people have never been blindsided, abused, or abandoned by an addict. And they most certainly have never had children with an addict. Otherwise they would not be so casual in their assessment of risk. Most addicts do not get sober. Most addicts do not stay sober. And sober addicts who relapse experience consequences far worse than when they were previously in active addiction, and they have a much harder time regaining their sobriety. And if you are in their world, the fury of those consequences will hit you very hard.
As well, addiction has a mental component, and in my opinion, it takes a lot of years of serious work either with a sponsor or a therapist to bring about the necessary deep emotional and psychological growth and change necessary to prepare the addict for building a healthy relationship.
It is the tendency of the codependent romantic partner to say, "But I'll swim the seven seas for my addict, I believe in him, I will stay with him no matter what." And we here who have been in recovery for a while know what awaits: the ice-cold slap of reality. Eventually. And support will be desperately needed. So if you start going to a meeting now, perhaps you will have the support when that time comes.
Please consider going very slow in this relationship. Very slow.
Addiction is a condition which thrives on lies and illusions and on unhealthy dependencies, not only on substances but also on people. And it is going to take a considerable amount of time to fully trust a recovering addict, in my opinion, because the tendency to lie, to escape, to shift blame, and to pretend to be someone other than who he/she is has been a lifestyle.....and the more years as an active addict, the more set the patterns.
Relationships with addicts are more dangerous, in my opinion, than ordinary relationships. Some people may say to you "nothing is for sure, all relationships are full of unknowns." Those people have never been blindsided, abused, or abandoned by an addict. And they most certainly have never had children with an addict. Otherwise they would not be so casual in their assessment of risk. Most addicts do not get sober. Most addicts do not stay sober. And sober addicts who relapse experience consequences far worse than when they were previously in active addiction, and they have a much harder time regaining their sobriety. And if you are in their world, the fury of those consequences will hit you very hard.
As well, addiction has a mental component, and in my opinion, it takes a lot of years of serious work either with a sponsor or a therapist to bring about the necessary deep emotional and psychological growth and change necessary to prepare the addict for building a healthy relationship.
It is the tendency of the codependent romantic partner to say, "But I'll swim the seven seas for my addict, I believe in him, I will stay with him no matter what." And we here who have been in recovery for a while know what awaits: the ice-cold slap of reality. Eventually. And support will be desperately needed. So if you start going to a meeting now, perhaps you will have the support when that time comes.
Please consider going very slow in this relationship. Very slow.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: philadelphia pa
Posts: 1,280
People on here are the wisest I've ever known when it comes to "keeping yourself healthy and safe". Listen, take what you want from it all and do what you need to do. Life... its an ongoing lesson regardless of circumstances.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Posts: 2
Thank you so much for your comments!
Yes, it's a scary dark world I'm entering and the plan is to continue slowly and with eyes wide open. Done my research and will be joining a CoDA meeting next week. My family history is not the happiest one on the planet and, although I already spent years in therapy, could use some group help letting go of old enmeshments. If if works or not with raBF, at least I'll get something useful out of it.
That and continue reading this forum.
Yes, it's a scary dark world I'm entering and the plan is to continue slowly and with eyes wide open. Done my research and will be joining a CoDA meeting next week. My family history is not the happiest one on the planet and, although I already spent years in therapy, could use some group help letting go of old enmeshments. If if works or not with raBF, at least I'll get something useful out of it.
That and continue reading this forum.
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: uk
Posts: 368
This is going to sound bitter, but I wish someone had told it to me straight when I first started my research. GET OUT.
My story started just like yours. Completely honest with me throughout, fell deeply in love and started planning for the future. I was convinced that this guy was the exception in that he was working a program, the relationship was truly healthy and we would be the ones to make it.
God, was I wrong. Overnight, he relapsed, left me cruelly and later gave me the reason that he didn't want to drag me through it all with him and that he needed to focus on his recovery. When he came to bring my stuff over, did he ask how I was doing? Did he heck. He sat down and chatted about how he liked the idea of having a family in the future and how he needs to put in some work to make some ties that will allow him to do that. He chatted about how he needs to focus on something other than himself all the time so he's looking for more work. The complete opposite of everything he said.
This was a man who had always been honest and open and kind with me. Until he relapsed.
Most, if not all, relapse and can do at any point. Don't put yourself through the pain. Why take the risk with someone who is 99% likely to seriously damage you emotionally?
GET OUT.
Just my 2pence worth.
My story started just like yours. Completely honest with me throughout, fell deeply in love and started planning for the future. I was convinced that this guy was the exception in that he was working a program, the relationship was truly healthy and we would be the ones to make it.
God, was I wrong. Overnight, he relapsed, left me cruelly and later gave me the reason that he didn't want to drag me through it all with him and that he needed to focus on his recovery. When he came to bring my stuff over, did he ask how I was doing? Did he heck. He sat down and chatted about how he liked the idea of having a family in the future and how he needs to put in some work to make some ties that will allow him to do that. He chatted about how he needs to focus on something other than himself all the time so he's looking for more work. The complete opposite of everything he said.
This was a man who had always been honest and open and kind with me. Until he relapsed.
Most, if not all, relapse and can do at any point. Don't put yourself through the pain. Why take the risk with someone who is 99% likely to seriously damage you emotionally?
GET OUT.
Just my 2pence worth.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: East Coast
Posts: 427
I agree with Shil. I wish I had known then what I know now. Get out now and save yourself tons of pain. I walked away at the second time when I should have at the first. I appreciate the small things so much more now that I've been used, lied to and stolen from by an addict. I would never go back and never make the same mistake again.
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