Am I being defensive?

Old 11-14-2013, 06:53 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Guest
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Anywhere USA
Posts: 125
Am I being defensive?

My boyfriend keeps telling me I'm being defensive. I do get a bit upset when he keeps pointing out small mistakes I've made such as leaving the kitchen faucet on the sprayer and not on pour. It tends to get on my nerves. My best response is to pause and not say anything because if I do I am being defensive. I say just "switch it over". I know I can't change him but this happens quite frequently and it wears on me. I'm new to All Anon and am trying my best not to react but it is so hard. Any suggestions.
Kissimee54 is offline  
Old 11-14-2013, 07:05 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Engineer Things; LOVE People
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Just to track this . . . is boyfriend an Alcoholic?

btw, Welcome to SR.
Hammer is offline  
Old 11-14-2013, 07:20 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
SparkleKitty's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,448
It would be so awesome if everyone could just keep to their side of the street, wouldn't it? Sigh.

My husband can't always seem to remember to turn the showerhead off after he's done, and he's an expert at hiding remotes when he leaves me alone in the house...but oh well. I'm sure I do things that bug him too -- but apparently we've both decided that we don't want to live our lives sweating the small stuff when we get so much good from each other that actually matters.

Have you tried telling him that his nitpicking is, in fact, making you feel like you have to defend yourself? None of us is perfect; the nitpickers in my life tend to do so to distract from their own BS. If he won't stop then you might have to find away to let it roll over you.
SparkleKitty is offline  
Old 11-14-2013, 07:27 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Guest
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Anywhere USA
Posts: 125
yes, my BF is in early recovery.

He has always been on the anal retentive side. I realize no ones perfect but enough already!


Originally Posted by Hammer View Post
Just to track this . . . is boyfriend an Alcoholic?

btw, Welcome to SR.
Kissimee54 is offline  
Old 11-14-2013, 08:12 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Living in a Pinkful Place
 
MsPINKAcres's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
((kissimee))

early in recovery is a tough time for anyone ~ and while we can understand the newly recovering A maybe be struggling, hurting and searching for a new way to deal with life, it is also a time for us to be struggling, hurting and searching for a new way.

SO everyone seems to be on edge in the home.

Things that can help keep serenity in the home are:
Deep breaths, pausing a moment before speaking, and communicating in a non threatening way.

Maybe you could talk to him when things are calm ~ maybe you and he could decide on a few "pet peeves" that both of you would like the other to try to do better and a few that the "how important is it" slogan could apply. It's about learning to communicate & compromise in a healthy way.

personally I could care less about the doors being shut in the rooms in our house, but Mr. PINK likes them shut ~ no certain reason ~ he just does. It's not a big deal to me, but it is to him ~ so I shut them. I really like things sorted a certain way in my cabinets, Mr. PINK does his best to help keep them that way for me. Communication & compromise.

just my e, s, & h ~

pink hugs
MsPINKAcres is offline  
Old 11-14-2013, 09:24 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
isitme's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 478
I understand and love everyone's comments on compromise and letting it go. But I really feel your pain about the nitpicking. We have the same problem at our house and quite frankly I'm at the end of my wits about it.

There are times I can let it go, and other times when I'm just plain sick of living under a microscope. It's gotten to where I feel like I can't do anything without my motives being questioned or having to explain myself. I'm fine when I'm home alone but when the time for him to come gets about an hour away, my anxiety peaks and my skin starts to crawl. I start scanning the rooms for anything that might bring questions or comments. That's so unnatural and so unhealthy.

I'm sorry I don't have any great advice, but I sure hope you can find a way to get through to him how much it bothers you. Because for me, after 10 years of this, the nitpicking is at the brink of breaking us, long up before the drinking will. In fact, drink be merry, but stop treating me like I need some sort of video nanny watching over and questioning my every move. It's really become a trust issue in my eyes.
isitme is offline  
Old 11-14-2013, 11:34 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Living in a Pinkful Place
 
MsPINKAcres's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
((isitme))

I really hate you are living that way - it sounds miserable and familiar ~ part of living with the active disease.
My exah was like that sometimes ~ like if he could point out all the things I did wrong, it made him feel better about himself. My sponsor suggested I remember it's not really about me, but about how he feels about himself inside. Which is not always easy when you are being crawled on the carpet for not using a napkin or a coaster.

Keep taking good care of you and try to detach from his negativity

pink hugs to you too!
MsPINKAcres is offline  
Old 11-14-2013, 12:21 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
Leana's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: PA
Posts: 695
My husband (of nearly 28 years) used to pull that crap on me too. I call it "nit-picking to hear yourself talk". He found out the hard way that I am a tad bit "passive-aggressive". Such as -if he had said the thing about the sprayer- the next time he would have found the sprayer taped down, and pointing toward his face; or if he made a comment about the ice cube trays being empty, he'd open the freezer to weeks worth of ice cubes spilling on the ground. Others might not find the humor in it but he always does which is why we work well together!

LOL- always done in jest and always to lighten to mood. Fight about the big stuff- let the small stuff go.
Leana is offline  
Old 11-15-2013, 09:06 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 524
Lol leana
meggem is offline  
Old 11-15-2013, 09:30 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
healthyagain's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,388
Ooooh, I so hate nitpicking. I've learned that my AH sometimes just says stuff to get an emotional response from me. He pokes, and, pokes, and pokes. The best answer is "whatever." I used to tell him, "it seems you really do not have any major problems in life."
healthyagain is offline  
Old 11-15-2013, 09:35 AM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
lillamy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
I don't know that I agree with the "let it go" attitude -- but then again, I'm one irritable little wench today.

If he's in recovery, he should be working on HIMself. If he's constantly nitpicking about things YOU do wrong, I would tell him to call his sponsor and discuss how HE can let go of little things that really don't mean anything.

Because the way I see it, the letting go is really HIS responsibility. Him picking on you is irritating at best, abusive at worst, and in either case, not at all helpful to his recovery.

I'd tell him to man up and take responsibility for his own irritability. And call his sponsor.
lillamy is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 11:39 AM.