jarp

This is my first post....I spent all of Tuesday reading so many posts and stickies here with my heart absolutely pounding.

Many, many of the posts were like reading about my own life. All the words, actions, lies, deception, anxiety, worry, love, anger, resentment and concern. Some posts were like reading an actual script of my actual life...and it made me feel for the first time in a long time that I maybe wasn't alone...or going mad.

So thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I'd really appreciate any wisdom from any BTDT's on my situation.

My partner and I have been together 6 years, we have a child together, and my two children from a previous marriage live with us. We live and work together.

My partner and I fell pregnant accidently very quickly, very early on, and whilst I was pregnant I realised he was an alcoholic. There's been less, there's been 'more', lots of ups and downs. It's complicated by the fact that he might have been diagnosed as bi-polar (before we met) - but I don't know whether to believe this or not...so many lies.

He recently had a 'melt down' and went on a total rampage for a few months. It's resulted in the possible loss of his very high level job, loss of some friends, loss of an important client. For months he was verbally abusive to me, dismissive of my first two kids, and totally unavailable to his own child who he claims to adore (and the child completely worships him - child is 5yo).

Slowly, slowly I am becoming less tolerant of these episodes that keep coming up, and the general drunkenness....and have been reading and learning and found that during this latest melt down I was quite detached. One night he looked like he was a threat to himself and others, and the next morning I told him he had to go to the doctor, or leave. He did go to the doc, but for the next week gave me the silent treatment. He stopped drinking for a week, then last night started drinking again.

Last night he told me that is I want him to give up drinking then he cant be with me. He then proceeded to explain to me that I could 'have' our child (like he was a commodity), and that he'll just take a lump sum, leave and I can 'have' everything, including our mortgages, car payment and credit card debt which I cant afford on my own. So he's been clear and honest....the alcohol comes first. His family a distant second.

What I SHOULD have done was say fine - off you go - but what I DID DO was panic, tell him I wasn't talking about it, had a massive anxiety attack etc. Almost gave into the temptation to beg. Told him I wasn't asking him to stop drinking (now I am the liar). Convinced him to go to bed and then we didn't discuss further. Next day it was like nothing had happened. But he's back drinking again.

Is this just a part of the process of learning to let go? I feel pathetic. How do you ACTUALLY do it.....how do you know whether its worth staying or not (I am VERY worried about impact on kids). How do you let go of your fear of loneliness, living without the one you are codependant with, your fear of financial ruin? How do you translate the THEORY behind co-dependant behaviour and make it become ACTION?

I've had counselling before (so understand I am co-dependant and why), and have an apt with a new therapist next week.

I'm just so scared, and so lost, so angry and regretful. I'm so sad for our child.

TIA for any insight anyone can give me.

ETA: I think I know the answer to my header question......there is nothing you can do. How do I get myself to really believe that?

hopeful4

There is one thing..go to a free consultation w an attorney. He cannot just up and leave you w all debt..nice try buddy boy. Really...you have options and even if your not ready to act it will help put things into perspective.

Clearly he's chosen. You cannot change that. You can however remind him his decisions are his, yours are yours and you won't be manipulated.

You don't want this chaos around your kids. Be their rock, when you start feeling upset remind yourself of that, they need you to be strong.

You can do this. We here at SR are holding your hand, keep posting your not alone.

Hugs, prayers, and God Bless!

NWGRITS

Al-Anon. Al-Anon Al-Anon Al-Anon. And more Al-Anon. Your story is definitely not the first we have heard of its kind, and there are many here who have been in your shoes. They can offer more support from the spouse's point of view. My qualifier is my mother, so my specialty is the kids. You could say I'm like the Lorax, I speak for the children. The best thing for them would be a home free of the chaos of alcoholism, but that is a highly personal decision that only you can make. I wish you all the best.

jarp

Thanks so much hopeful4 - I do have an appointment with an attorney next week as well. I know he can't leave me with the debt.....I'm a very good codependant though who really is worried that if our marriage does break down then he really will go off the rails and will lose his job - which means he wont be able to pay any way. I need to let go of this in someway.

Thanks NWGRITS as well. I'm struggling to get to meetings as I can not leave my kids alone with him and have no family support. I've just found a lunchtime meeting so am going to start going to that as well as therapy. I know in my head that the chaos at home is no good for them.....after all it is a part of my story, and my partners too. I'm pissed with myself that I can KNOW this but be so weak as to not act, and angry that I am putting them through that which I swore I never would.

NWGRITS

It sounds so much easier than it is to do. When we are conditioned to do something one way, changing that is so hard. I swore I would be the amazing mom that I never had, and yet here I am in therapy and the halls of Al-Anon every week trying to stop the cycle. I catch myself doing and saying the same things I grew up with, and none of that garbage is healthy. Be gentle on yourself. If it were easy to get out of this mess, all of our shrinks would need new jobs.

thislonelygirl

You do it little at a time....i think the more you read and know the more you understand.
There was a time where i bent over backwards for my ah (actually it was around the time i found this site) and the more i read and really recognized what alcoholism or in general addiction was and that others experienced the same i started to understand that my ah was just doing what addicts do and that it wasn't "me" ...it had nothing to do with me.
Kind of makes things a bit easier to deal with once you get that down.
My ah has threatened me and said the same as yours , use to i did what you did . I would get into beg mode and Change my tune. Now, I pretend to listen but i don't care. not at all.
Most the time all it is are just threats. They throw fits until they get their way.

knowing you should leave and leaving are two different things.
i say that because sometimes we KNOW whats good for us but that doesn't guarantee we will act on that knowledge.
Yes alcoholism Does impact children. I have 2 and 1 on the way, I worry daily and kick myself with "ok i can't keep doing this" but have yet to do so.
Do what you need to do for you and your kids and continue to reach for better.
detach as much as possible and learn,read,grow

LadyinBC

You can't reason with us alcoholics when we are drunk. I can also tell you that we will manipulate you and make YOU feel bad so that we can just continue to drink. That is what we do. All we want is the booze and when you start making us feel guilty we will find a way to turn it around and make you feel guilty. It is our ego and our inner child wanting everything our way and don't you dare threaten to take our booze away.

He is manipulating you and you do not deserve to be treated this way. You know there is nothing you can do to make him stop. But you can let yourself off the merry-go-round. You have more power than you think.

You deserve someone who will treasure you and treat you with respect. Don't settle for anything less than that.

Lulu39

He needs the alcohol more than he needs you and the kids.

I've BTDT.

In the past, I made my XAH sign contracts with me stating "I will no longer get drunk, and abuse you and the kids".

I made him go to detox and rehab.

I called the cops during a couple of his drunken rampages.

I made ultimatums I could not enforce.

In the end I had to force myself to realise that what I thought of as my "comfortable life" was f*cking UNbloodycomfortable! I ran around making it "comfortable" for an abusive, rampaging drunk. Meanwhile, I was walking on eggshells. I was like a cat on a hot tin roof. I was SCARED.

Scared of what the kids might feel if I made him leave.
In fact the kids are a whole lot better now he has been gone for more than a year.

The don't jump up like little soldiers or Pavlov's dogs when they hear his key in the door and try to pander to him in the hope that they can help stop him having another drunken, rampage. That used to make me sick.


Scared of what people might think.
In fact the people who know me best, my mother and my colleagues, tell me how awesome I am for getting rid of that mill stone around my neck. My boss told me that I no longer look like I'm "dragging a bus" around behind me.



In my case it was finally getting the fact that I ONLY GET ONE LIFE. I did not want to spend the rest of what I have left pandering to someone who was selfish, abusive - emotionally, verbally, financially (he spent what he earned and then some of mine and did not contribute to the household in any way) and sometimes physically.

He told me lies. Lie after lie after lie. And when pressed by me about WHY he lied his answer was always: "If I told you the truth you'd be mad at me." Like he was a 6 year old. HELLO?

Take a good, hard honest look at the way you are compromising yourself to enable his drinking and abusive behaviour toward you and your children.

Ask yourself who needs protection from this man the MOST?

And take steps to protect YOU and the kids. Never-mind the money thing, it always works out in the end, us codies tend to be experts at making do...just saying...you'll work the money thing out

You do know what you need to to. I can read that in your post.

meggem

I've been here for a few weeks, I think it is important to give back when I can, which is not very often because as I say in the few responses I have made, I am so very green. But I can relate to most of what you are saying, except my RA always begged me to stay and promised change. He would often tell me he wasn't worthy of me (he never ever ever denied what he did, maybe in the beginning of arguments, but when he came back to earth, he always knew the truth and was remorseful and sorry which can be just as sickening after a while) But I remember feeling the conflict you are describing. I can't take this anymore- get out, but don't go. I would pack my bags constantly knowing he would beg me to stay and I wouldn't have to actually leave because I was afraid. I wasn't afraid of being alone, I was afraid of hurting my family, disappointing them (2nd marriage) damaging his image (he really is a good guy, his disease is terrible and turns him into a different person) but even that fact may not save us. I would worry about him and if his depression/alcoholism is like this when I am here, what will he do if I leave -I felt sorry for him. he loves us so much.I worried about him losing his job if I called the cops and he got arrested, I worried about how to sell a house and how the market is down and the chaos all of that would ensue. I worried about my image and what my family would think.

Early October we had a grand finale and I called the cops and at that moment I didn't care about anyone or anything. I was tired. I was truly done. He didn't get arrested, he ended up going to rehab on his own that Monday with my support but I didn't say a word, I didn't threaten, but he knew the threat was there. He did hit his bottom. I think.

But - My 'that's it' moment was not from a healthy place. I had very little "tools" to cope - I had not been on this board at all, I had not gone to alanon, I had not read any books, I had no preparation, I had just spiritually died inside during that last episode. Not a good feeling at all. But I guess it is what it is. I think looking back, I wish I would have began my recovery a long time ago instead of trying to do it in the middle of this (he came home last week). So it's really good that you are posting now. You aren't alone. It's not him talking, it's the disease and I still can't wrap my head around it either, but I am learning very slowly that sadly I can't change it, I didn't cause it and I can't cure it. hugs...

jarp

Thank you so much everyone, I really appreciate the insights which have all hit a nerve with me. To the person who said I DO know what to do.....you are completely right.

This week I've taken some steps....opened my own bank accounts, booked a lawyer, found an alanon I can go to, have my therapist next week.....

I'm very, by anxious. Has anyone tried meds to help them become a bit less anxious as I think my anxiety is what jumps to the fore and prevents me from doing.....is this someone that could help?

Also meg gem - this is my 2nd marriage too and I am ashamed I couldn't make it work....what's wring with me?

Recovering2

Just remember you don't have to figure it all out today. Take the time to educate yourself, go to AlAnon (many have babysitting), read and post, talk to an atty. There's an AlAnon twist on an old saying: "Don't just do something..stand there!" Simply means if we're not sure what to do, it's okay to do nothing for the moment. As you get more support, your path will become more clear. In the meantime, don't worry about his quacking. The A says all kinds of things when they're drinking...doesn't have to get a reaction from you.

lillamy

Hi & welcome - and I'm sorry you have to be here but as you already figured out, you've come to the right place!

What you said above - that rang so familiar to me. Realizing I could not safely leave my children with their father to go to an evening class was one of the things that radically shook me to the core and made me realize my life was unmanageable, uncomfortable, impossible.

You don't have to figure it all out today. But you are definitely not crazy. Codependent, yes. Frightened, yes. Crazy? Not any more than anyone else who lives with an addict. It is kind of crazy making. But don't doubt your instincts when they tell you his drinking is a problem. No matter what he says.

Hawkeye13

This is very good advice, as is much that was posted here. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you.

Perhaps going to your doctor would be helpful if you are having extreme anxiety to see if there is anything they can give you short term to deal with that. You do need to sleep and have a clear head.

It will all work out. I think what Meggem said about starting recovery now is such good advice. I have read many threads where partners are doing just that, and building a solid foundation for themselves and their children if they have them.

Treat yourself well. So what it's your second marriage--they say the third one is the charm anyway :-) My thoughts and good wishes are with you.