almost a year, its getting harder
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: bloomington indiana
Posts: 6
almost a year, its getting harder
I'm not a newcomer to sobriety, but I am as a member of this forum. I did come here when I decided to quit drinking though. Anyways, as I reach the year mark I find its getting harder, and I'm going to feel a sense of security when I hit the year mark like I could start drinking again...
I've been thinking about how nice it would be to get a drink tonight, and thought telling my story might be therapeutic. You certainly don't have to read it...
I didn't start drinking until I was 21, playing music with my good friends I was convinced to try it. It was vodka and a mix of sodas. I soon realized I liked gin, and came to love it. It didn't take long until I was drinking alone for recreation. I had smoked weed since I was 18, and felt a drink or two complimented it really well. a few years after that my best friend from the first grade died in a accident and I started drinking more heavily.
To cut to the chase, by the time i was about 25 i was drinking around a fifth of straight gin every day. Sometimes more like nearly a half gallon, but sometimes less. I would always be sure to pour a big glass while going to bed, so I'd have leftover in the morning, and I could tell myself it would go to waste if I didn't drink it. Sometimes it wasn't enough to get me to work so I'd take a few big swigs on my way out the door to work. I could often hold out until after work to drink more, but a lot of times I would come have a beer or some gin at lunch. Either way when I got off work I would be drunk within the hour.
It interfered with my friendships, responsibilities, work, and my family. I would never see them because I'd be too drunk or want to get drunk. On the weekends I would just go on a two day bender, and if I had a long weekend, the bender would be longer. I didn't quite give myself gastritis but I think i've got some degree of GERD. I'm nauseous most of the time even a year after quitting.
I was the first to admit I had a problem, and tried cutting back before I quit, and thats when the real problems started, aside from the OWI I got a while back. I blew a .24 and that was a slow night. Anyway, cutting back, that just meant I would get too drunk, usually out at the bars. One night I was walking home, made a phone call, then found blood on my phone. That's when it starting coming back to me, vague memories of climbing out of a pit. I put it together that I fell into a construction pit, probably head first. Thats the only way to account for the gash on the top of my head. I assume I nearly broke my neck, and if not I at least came close to getting a 1 inch pvc pipe through my neck.
Another night on the way home from the bar I lost my moped, wallet, and keys. I crashed at a friends and the next day felt like a hobo, and started to get a glimpse of where I was heading. At this point alcohol had given me an OWI, a broken leg, (including the leg) two trips to the ER, a ruined relationship with my band, and a whole slew of highly regrettable sexual experiences. It was adding up but wasn't enough to make me quit.
Finally, last thanksgiving, I had a 5 day weekend and you guessed it, a 5 day bender. By this point in my life and this particular bender, my body was a wreck. I can't explain it better than like a full body fatigue. By the fifth day, sunday, I went into bender recovery mode and stuck to beer. I was at my best friends house, complaining about my ailments. She said "well, maybe you should just quit" as if that thought wasn't going through my mind constantly. But it stuck. I said "maybe I will" and as I left, told her I was going to drink my last beer in the fridge, and maybe my last drink ever.
I never thought I could, but it was my last drink. A 12oz can of sierra nevada pale ale. Now, with the aid of my friends, Kudzu root extract and st. johns wart, and a whole bunch of diet root beer and other cola, its been 11 months and 18 days...
It's generally easy at this point, and I rarely miss drinking, except for nights like tonight. I've been trying to rekindle things with my music, but my friend I wrote songs with has lost all interest now that I'm sober and wanting to play music again. There was hope when we found a potential drummer, but after sending him a clip of our music he decided he wasn't interested. It hit me hard and has made me lose nearly all hope of ever playing the music I love, which is what has got me thinking about drinking. It's rare, but tonight I can't get the thought of a glass of gin on the rocks out of my head.
Though, as I hoped, this rant has actually got me feeling better. I hope I don't overload the servers bandwidth...
I've been thinking about how nice it would be to get a drink tonight, and thought telling my story might be therapeutic. You certainly don't have to read it...
I didn't start drinking until I was 21, playing music with my good friends I was convinced to try it. It was vodka and a mix of sodas. I soon realized I liked gin, and came to love it. It didn't take long until I was drinking alone for recreation. I had smoked weed since I was 18, and felt a drink or two complimented it really well. a few years after that my best friend from the first grade died in a accident and I started drinking more heavily.
To cut to the chase, by the time i was about 25 i was drinking around a fifth of straight gin every day. Sometimes more like nearly a half gallon, but sometimes less. I would always be sure to pour a big glass while going to bed, so I'd have leftover in the morning, and I could tell myself it would go to waste if I didn't drink it. Sometimes it wasn't enough to get me to work so I'd take a few big swigs on my way out the door to work. I could often hold out until after work to drink more, but a lot of times I would come have a beer or some gin at lunch. Either way when I got off work I would be drunk within the hour.
It interfered with my friendships, responsibilities, work, and my family. I would never see them because I'd be too drunk or want to get drunk. On the weekends I would just go on a two day bender, and if I had a long weekend, the bender would be longer. I didn't quite give myself gastritis but I think i've got some degree of GERD. I'm nauseous most of the time even a year after quitting.
I was the first to admit I had a problem, and tried cutting back before I quit, and thats when the real problems started, aside from the OWI I got a while back. I blew a .24 and that was a slow night. Anyway, cutting back, that just meant I would get too drunk, usually out at the bars. One night I was walking home, made a phone call, then found blood on my phone. That's when it starting coming back to me, vague memories of climbing out of a pit. I put it together that I fell into a construction pit, probably head first. Thats the only way to account for the gash on the top of my head. I assume I nearly broke my neck, and if not I at least came close to getting a 1 inch pvc pipe through my neck.
Another night on the way home from the bar I lost my moped, wallet, and keys. I crashed at a friends and the next day felt like a hobo, and started to get a glimpse of where I was heading. At this point alcohol had given me an OWI, a broken leg, (including the leg) two trips to the ER, a ruined relationship with my band, and a whole slew of highly regrettable sexual experiences. It was adding up but wasn't enough to make me quit.
Finally, last thanksgiving, I had a 5 day weekend and you guessed it, a 5 day bender. By this point in my life and this particular bender, my body was a wreck. I can't explain it better than like a full body fatigue. By the fifth day, sunday, I went into bender recovery mode and stuck to beer. I was at my best friends house, complaining about my ailments. She said "well, maybe you should just quit" as if that thought wasn't going through my mind constantly. But it stuck. I said "maybe I will" and as I left, told her I was going to drink my last beer in the fridge, and maybe my last drink ever.
I never thought I could, but it was my last drink. A 12oz can of sierra nevada pale ale. Now, with the aid of my friends, Kudzu root extract and st. johns wart, and a whole bunch of diet root beer and other cola, its been 11 months and 18 days...
It's generally easy at this point, and I rarely miss drinking, except for nights like tonight. I've been trying to rekindle things with my music, but my friend I wrote songs with has lost all interest now that I'm sober and wanting to play music again. There was hope when we found a potential drummer, but after sending him a clip of our music he decided he wasn't interested. It hit me hard and has made me lose nearly all hope of ever playing the music I love, which is what has got me thinking about drinking. It's rare, but tonight I can't get the thought of a glass of gin on the rocks out of my head.
Though, as I hoped, this rant has actually got me feeling better. I hope I don't overload the servers bandwidth...
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 138
Stay strong. Sounds like alcohol took you no where good. Do you really want to go back to feeling shame, embarrassment, and remorse? Continue playing music on your own and eventually you will others to share your talents with that appreciate the sober you. Good luck!
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: North East, US
Posts: 2,310
Your story is so very inspirational. To be blunt...." **** the gin". You can't quit now you quit ever
.
Music is a huge part of my life as well, put your feelings on paper perhaps there are some lyrics there.
Welcome and early congrats on your major 1 year milestone!!!
. Music is a huge part of my life as well, put your feelings on paper perhaps there are some lyrics there.
Welcome and early congrats on your major 1 year milestone!!!
Recovering ostrich
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Tampa Bay, Florida
Posts: 2,551
Hiya bp, I'm rounding up on a year too, congrats!
It has to be hard to be a musician in recovery, considering the scene but I know several people who do it because of the love of the music. One guy I know has 20 something years and he plays bass and can go anywhere, he just leaves when the gig is done. The other guy I know found other Musicians in recovery.
Just try to remember where that gin will take you. You've come so far.
It has to be hard to be a musician in recovery, considering the scene but I know several people who do it because of the love of the music. One guy I know has 20 something years and he plays bass and can go anywhere, he just leaves when the gig is done. The other guy I know found other Musicians in recovery.
Just try to remember where that gin will take you. You've come so far.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Congrats on almost a year. Great achivement...but as I'm finding out as I rack up a fourth year of sobriety, that a year is still early in recovery and that those "milestones," like a year sober, are often triggers.
Don't let disappointment take you down a much darker road by adding alcohol. If you want to play music, make it your goal and achive it.
Don't let disappointment take you down a much darker road by adding alcohol. If you want to play music, make it your goal and achive it.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,711
Thanks for sharing your story! I have a year today. The last few weeks leading up to it were not so easy...I think it was partially the anxiety surrounding the events of last year that led to my sobering up---I overdosed and ended up in the hospital. I also think it was my disease telling me big fat lies "See, you did it for almost a year, maybe you can drink safely now. Real alcoholics can NEVER stop". Lies lies lies. I am so thankful I am in AA because I just kept reaching out to people about these thoughts. They don't scare me like they used to...I just know I can't drink safely. Rather, I accept it so it's not an option. I hope you hang in and just give time more time
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Central America/Florida USA
Posts: 4,064
First off, congrats on your achievements thusfar, and thanks for sharing this great story.
So Bloomington, eh? College town? Playing gigs at the college bars? I lived in Madison for a while, first during college and then stuck around after that for a couple years to work. It's tough learning to be a "grown up" in towns like that - at least it was for me - especially hard because your reality on many things becomes a bit skewed.
I'm not saying it's easy, nor is it a solution - picking up and skipping town - I'm simply empathizing with you. Good luck, sounds like your post and these replies might be helping your spirits.
So Bloomington, eh? College town? Playing gigs at the college bars? I lived in Madison for a while, first during college and then stuck around after that for a couple years to work. It's tough learning to be a "grown up" in towns like that - at least it was for me - especially hard because your reality on many things becomes a bit skewed.
I'm not saying it's easy, nor is it a solution - picking up and skipping town - I'm simply empathizing with you. Good luck, sounds like your post and these replies might be helping your spirits.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,534
Thanks for sharing, BP. You sound like you have really turned your life around. Please don't pick up. You have a lot to live for and, from what I have read, relapses get you to a way worse spot than you were in originally. You have put too much effort into winning your sobriety back to set yourself back now.
Do you have a support group? AA? If not, maybe it's time to start sharing your success in order to help others?
Congratulations on a year (almost!). Stay strong, you are worth it.
Do you have a support group? AA? If not, maybe it's time to start sharing your success in order to help others?
Congratulations on a year (almost!). Stay strong, you are worth it.
to SR! I too hope you don't throw it all away for a drink.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 9,029
Thank you for sharing. Hang in there. Especially now. I had 10.5 months and started slacking on meetings, getting run down and not taking care of myself. I relapsed in August. I would have made one year on October 1.
It doesn't take too long to fall bakk into the exact same drinking patterns. And don't forget the pain of detoxing and those first few days. Painful. The anxiety. The loss of hope. The embarrassment of, oops, I did it again, and again, and again.
It doesn't take too long to fall bakk into the exact same drinking patterns. And don't forget the pain of detoxing and those first few days. Painful. The anxiety. The loss of hope. The embarrassment of, oops, I did it again, and again, and again.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: bloomington indiana
Posts: 6
thanks for all the support, this is the only formal support i've had, no AA or anything. I'm glad i learned milestones can be a trigger, i'll have to be extra careful. but for now i'm certainly not thinking about drinking any more!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Australia
Posts: 11,351
How bloody honest ! Wow
I really enjoyed your post bpclay . You have come SO far , you just cant quit trying now.
You sound so intelligent and well spoken , you know where you have been and where it ends up.
Please don't go there .
I'm so inspired by you and people just like you who post from the heart.
You know this is all gonna turn to ****
start the cycle all over again.
Who cares if they don't want you playing now you are sober....their loss !
Your good mind is still intact and you sound like you have so much to give.
You deserve another year ... You really do xx
I really enjoyed your post bpclay . You have come SO far , you just cant quit trying now.
You sound so intelligent and well spoken , you know where you have been and where it ends up.
Please don't go there .
I'm so inspired by you and people just like you who post from the heart.
You know this is all gonna turn to ****
start the cycle all over again.Who cares if they don't want you playing now you are sober....their loss !
Your good mind is still intact and you sound like you have so much to give.
You deserve another year ... You really do xx
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