hopeful4

My AH had a very difficult day yesterday, in all fairness it was terrible for both of us. He was struggling not to drink. I get it. He white knuckled it all night and did not drink. He admitted it was very hard. He told me that, I did not ask.

Well today my daughter (14) is home sick and he told me that he got her a snapple tea and took it home to her at lunch time. I had a bad feeling but left it be, told him I hoped today was a better day.

Low and behold, I call him AT WORK to see if he needs any soda from the store as I am going to get my DD medicine, she is still not feeling well. I can tell he has had a beer I am sure right after he delivered her the tea. He would not drink at home w/her there. Not enough to be drunk, but he's been drinking and went back to work.

I very politely tell him not to come home after work (he can go to his sisters, he won't be homeless...not that I really care but my kids would) because I know he has been drinking. I also arrange to pick up my little daughter from school and tell him not to pick her up under any circumstance.

I am so mad. I knew it would happen, I'm not even really mad about the drinking, it was a given, he is an addict. What I am mad about is that I do truly want him to leave for good but it is our little daughter's Bday this Fri, she turns 8. His step dad and mom died 3 weeks apart last year at this time and all the holidays. For my children I do not want to ruin all the holidays. I will not allow him to drink around us under any circumstance or let him come home under the influence. I am detatched from it but they are not detatched from their father of course.

The holdiays last year were HORRIBLE for all of us, including all the kids. My mother in law died on Dec 21st so you can imagine. I don't want them to associate the holidays with terrible things happening in their lives. I know I don't have to make decisions now, it is just frustrating.

I don't even need a response, just to type all of this out and so I can hopefully get out the frustration. On a positive note, I did not make a scene, get mad or anything else. Very matter of fact. I am happy to report I don't feel crazy or my skin crawling or any of those symptoms I usto have in this situation. I plan on hanging out with my babies tonight and telling them the truth. This is not the first time this has happened. We will watch movies and be ok.

Thanks for reading and letting me vent.

Florence

There's never a good time. All times are bad times.

Leana

Everyone needs to vent, I'm glad you found SR to be able to do that. I do have a question, doesn't his work know he's been drinking? And don't they care?

positivechang

Hopeful4, I admire your strength to stick with your boundaries. I hope to get to the point where I can make that statement, and not fold as he ends up walking through our front door.

A big hug to you! I am sorry the holidays last year was horrible. Wouldn't it be nice if we could just enjoy our holidays in peace! Have a relaxing evening, and I hope that your daughter feels better soon. It's no fun being sick.

hopeful4

Thank you all. Leana..no, he is a sneaky little devil. I am positive they have no idea. Most people would not. Other people have been amazed that I can tell that he has even had 1. Keep in mind, he is not wasted, just had a couple of beers. It is just that we have been together for so long I ALWAYS know. Even just on the phone I can tell. He normally takes anti anxiety drugs but for whatever reason did not take them today. Nice, take the beer but don't take the medication that is prescribed to you for just this reason. What a genius.

I do know there is never a good time but certainly around the holidays is not the time. It is just too much. We will get through this holiday season. I will stick to my guns, he can go stay w/his sister if he drinks. He does not drink very often, it is just that it is unacceptable anytime.

Looks like it's going to be a fun season...grrr......

FireSprite

Aw, hopeful, I'm so sorry. You are handling this like a champ but I can hear you hurting underneath it all and I don't blame you. It's hard not to feel disappointed even though you are detached & not going off the rails. WAY TO STICK TO YOUR BOUNDARIES!

For the upcoming holidays, maybe it's time to add some new traditions this year? I don't mean to change up every tradition you have but change a couple, add a couple? We did that the 1st year after my dad died & it really helped us to shift the focus off of our loss & grief.

Maybe plan a cookie party with friends & their kids? We do this with the kids each year using my great-grandad's sugar cookie recipe - we make gobs of them & let the kids go wild with colored icings, sprinkles, etc. It takes minutes to do the baking & hours to decorate.

We've also done gingerbread house parties where we got all the kids together with pre-made kits & added extra candies, sprinkles, etc for them to share. (Note - if you do this it's easier on them if you pre-fab the structures the night before so they don't have to sit around waiting for them to "glue", lol)

We anonymously "adopt" a child from DD's school each year off their Wish Tree. DD gets VERY involved with this. These kids are from very poor families and would not be getting gifts for Christmas otherwise. After speaking with her teacher this year about the number of families hurting for the basic personal care items like toothpaste, soap, etc, we may do stockings filled with those kinds of items mixed in with candies & treats. IDK - we are not in a great financial position, but I can't NOT give to kids around the holidays.

MissFixit

hi

icant believe i am asking this but since your daughters bday is on friday, can you wait to deliver the bad news to kids after her celebration?

JustAGirl1971

I can so relate to this I'm in a similar place except I really think mine has been sober for the last 3 weeks. I almost want him to drink just so I have a reason to send him packing. I know, that's a horrible, selfish thing to think. Basically, for me, it boils down to one thing: I don't want to be responsible for the choice I've already made in my head and my heart. If he drinks, then I can blame the choice on him instead of taking responsibility for it myself. So, I find reasons to put off the inevitable hoping he'll take the responsibility from me. If I'm honest, this is the pattern I've followed most of my lifetime. Put off making the major decisions (or executing them) until something or someone comes along and makes the decisions for me. Not how I want to live the rest of my life

I'm not saying that you're doing this, just that sometimes when we say we're waiting for the "right time" it's really just an excuse to avoid doing what we think/know is the right thing.

I'm sorry I hope your evening is better than your morning (& yesterday.)

AnvilheadII

For my children I do not want to ruin all the holidays.

you would not be the one "ruining" the holidays. he's the one still choosing to drink, KNOWING there are severe consequences, but doing it anyway. keep him around and sneak drinking and you could end up with the WORST holiday on record.

there is always going to be SOME thing in the future - holidays, birthdays, vacations, summer break, middle school graduation, high school graduation, flag day. meanwhile, he'll keep drinking. he's already drinking and driving, if you had not known he drank today (and may well drink more) he could have picked up your little girl from school. he is putting his JOB in danger, his license, his life, his family and the safety of his children. he could care less how any of that affects the rest of you. nor is he concerned about preserving the sanctity of the "holidays" and making them special for his kids.....

MsPINKAcres

((hopeful)) this is an awesome attitude to have ~ full of recovery, purpose and HOPE for you & your children!

Keep taking good care of YOU & your little ones!

prayers & good thoughts for continued recovery for you & yours!

pink hugs!

hopeful4

Thanks everyone. Yes, I know that there will be other things. It is just that last year was SO AWFUL for them at the holidays that I just cannot do it. It may happen anyways but today is not the day for me and my girls. It may be codie awful for me to wait but that is what it is.

We do have lots of holiday traditions and keep very busy. They change up alot so that is good. My birthday is this time of year and my mom and sister make a HUGE deal over all birthdays even when you don't want them to, so that is another weekend spent w/the sane rocks of my life. Thank God for them.

While I realize I would not be the one ruining the holidays (and yes, I realize it more than you know, I don't have any responsibility in this...his choices), I also see my children as the ones who would be facing HIS consequences and I won't let that happen just yet. Sometimes I wish he would just go to jail or run away or whatever....and be out of our lives all together, but I know, they just keep showing up like a bad penny.

One thing I have changed is he is not currently nor will he be allowed to drink in our home. He will have to leave if he makes that choice.

Thank you all for letting me vent. I am strong and will continue to be strong for my girls...but you are all correct....it still hurts and it still stinks for my family. Although I can detatch from it, it is still my life and what I have known for the past 16 years.

Let's all pray for each other. Thanks Again...God Bless!

Upsetnneedhelp

I would imagine for an alcoholic to have a couple of beers would be dangerous. Even if he doesn't get completely wasted hes playing with fire.

hopeful4

Well great. Apparently he went by our house when my two girls were here and told them I made him leave and he was bawling. They did not know he had been drinking. I told them the truth but it's very painful to see them not understand. My older daughter does some but my little one (7yr old) does not at all. I called him just to offer him a ride and of course he was ranting and raving at me. I HATE this for my girls. Oddly I don't feel too bad myself but just hate it so much for them.

suki44883

What a cruel thing for him to do to the children. I would be so angry that he felt it was perfectly okay to upset them and make them feel sorry for him just to get back at you. What a spiteful azz.

MissFixit

i am sorry for your girls. what a master manipulator.

my mom said really bad things to me accusing my dad of stuff when they split. i was about 7 or 8. all i remember decades later is that she tried to use her little girl to get back at my dad. spiteful and all about her.

Tres

Hopeful, I am in a similar boat..I have not put in place any rigid boundaries. My AH does usually leave the house when he drinks. We live on lake and so he sits on the dock or goes to the neighbors.

Our daughter is 10 and she hates his drinking. I hate his drinking. There is no peace in our home when he is inside it.

Making plans for my mom to come for part of the winter...a 7 month lease. Daughter and I can have some peace and a retreat to go to. He doesn't really think he has a problem and tries to moderate. It all goes to hell on the weekends.

I'm so over it.

hopeful4

Master Manipulator is just the correct description. That's ok..I will make sure my girls are ok and get counseling and anything else they need. Contemplating moving away this summer near my sister and her hubs 3hrs away they are both law enforcement and my girls and I love them. I read a text my DD sent to him saying she loves him. I want that. I explained to hate the disease but still love the person...blah blah. I would never ever trash their dad to them it's a horrible thing to do to kids and mine are my life.

Thank you to everyone again. Tres I'm sorry that you know just what I'm talking about I hate it all too so much.

Hugs and prayers...

hopeful4

On a happier note, we did watch that movie. I can hear my older DD laughing w her friend and I had popcorn and painted my little girls fingers and toes. While it was not some super night it was not all ruined by this. I will replace bad memories w good and that will keep us going .

JustAGirl1971

Awesome attitude

Florence

Yes! There is good and bad in life, ups and downs, highs and lows. The best thing you can teach your girls is how to make good decisions, have confidence, and find happiness regardless of their circumstances.