I need help and prayers, please
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
I need help and prayers, please
I know some of you are aware, but for those who aren't, my sm (stepmom) was heavily addicted, she and dad were hard-core codies.
Thursday morning, I woke early to find sm on the floor. I shook her then realized she wasn't breathing; yelled for dad, turned her over and started CPR but realized it was too late.
My niece (bratkin) - dad and sm raised her, but she considered sm her mom (her bio mom died in a car wreck, bratkin was just over a year), figured it out when we called her husband and told him, asking him to stay home. I called him back, and she sounded JUST like I did when my mom died - "noooooooooo!!!!!" and it ripped my heart out. She's the daughter I never had.
I called my stepsister T, but didn't have stepbrother R's number. Bratkin called him and he called screaming at me, blaming me and dad, telling me he was coming in here and taking his mama's stuff and I hung up on him. Asked the cop how to handle him, he told us not to let him in the door and call 911.
He calls back, apologizes, yada yada. Oh yeah, he's an ACOA (his dad was an alcoholic) and he quit meth 10 years ago, but he's an alcoholic and smokes weed.
Trying to make long story short. He and gf (he ALWAYS has a gf that has a good job, usually, and a driver's license as he can't be bothered to take care of his ages-old DUI) came down. We saw them at bratkins, he was VERY apologetic, full of gratitude for us, etc. He was also drinking and pretty sure he had smoked some weed.
He promised to help dad and I with things on the house (due to sm's hoarding, the county code people were notified of possible dangerous living conditions while the police, GBI and medical examiner were here).
He's spent most of his time with friends. The funeral is in the morning. I specifically asked bratkin "do you trust me to not throw away what I know was important to your mom" and she said yes. I called to tell her we are to be at the funeral home at 10, and I was ordering her the necklace that she wants (it holds a tiny bit of her mama's ashes and is quite classy). She told me R wanted to talk to me.
I call him back, he says he's coming over at 8 to get this and that, and I told him "you're not taking a damn thing. You are NOT the only child and you will work it out between you, or it will stay here".
He yells, screams, threatens, tells me it's not for him, it's for bratkin. I couldn't get a word in. I thought he'd hung up, I tell dad he wants to come over and get stuff and dad said "he is not allowed in this house". I told him, he screamed, I hung up. He's doing all of this at bratkin's house..her husband does NOT like him, she was ticked off at him (but that changes) and they have a just-over-1-year-old baby.
I accidentally called him back, was trying to call stepsister. He was a jackazz, asked "what do you want" and I tried to tell him he didn't need to get a damned thing for bratkin, she and I had discussed it but he started yelling so I hung up.
Made sure our door is locked, lights are on, and thought about calling the cops to do a few drive by's. I don't think his gf would bring him up here, though, and I KNOW the bratkins won't.
Did get hold of stepsister and she said if he shows his azz at the funeral "he just may find himself in jail". I told her I would back her up, even if it ticked off bratkin.
Dad and I have made all the arrangements for the funeral, with grateful input from stepsister on where to put sm. WE talked to the chaplain about sm, and TBH, we drew blanks, as did stepsister and sm's sister. I finally remembered more and told him that, today, when he called me back.
I KNOW I can't control all this. I KNOW it's NMP (not my problem). I've already told dad I can't be his full support - recommended al-anon AGAIN and church. Some friends of his have invited him to church on Sunday and I told him "GO!!!!"
I complained a LOT about my sm on SR, but I did love her. She died on the date of my mom and dad's anniversary (mom died in 1991). I've had numerous people telling me how strong I am.
Though it's not quite the same as bratkin, I, too, have now lost 2 mamas. Sm was not always an A, and she would absolutely NEVER reveal something told to her in secret. She used to say "I've got so many secrets, that casket might not hold them". Unfortunately, we had her cremated as no one has money for otherwise.
I just need advice on how to hold on to me, and I need prayers that I do the right thing. I'd scheduled off Thu., a few weeks ago, because other than the day I had to put my cat, Patches down, I've only had one day off since July (Ann has been kicking me with the bunny slippers). I took another day off when she died, I'm taking tomorrow off.
My job is to sit with alzheimers clients who are declining and I've gotten attached and it's hard, but I'm grateful because I do love my clients and their families.
Sorry for the novel, it's just been a tough day/night.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Thursday morning, I woke early to find sm on the floor. I shook her then realized she wasn't breathing; yelled for dad, turned her over and started CPR but realized it was too late.
My niece (bratkin) - dad and sm raised her, but she considered sm her mom (her bio mom died in a car wreck, bratkin was just over a year), figured it out when we called her husband and told him, asking him to stay home. I called him back, and she sounded JUST like I did when my mom died - "noooooooooo!!!!!" and it ripped my heart out. She's the daughter I never had.
I called my stepsister T, but didn't have stepbrother R's number. Bratkin called him and he called screaming at me, blaming me and dad, telling me he was coming in here and taking his mama's stuff and I hung up on him. Asked the cop how to handle him, he told us not to let him in the door and call 911.
He calls back, apologizes, yada yada. Oh yeah, he's an ACOA (his dad was an alcoholic) and he quit meth 10 years ago, but he's an alcoholic and smokes weed.
Trying to make long story short. He and gf (he ALWAYS has a gf that has a good job, usually, and a driver's license as he can't be bothered to take care of his ages-old DUI) came down. We saw them at bratkins, he was VERY apologetic, full of gratitude for us, etc. He was also drinking and pretty sure he had smoked some weed.
He promised to help dad and I with things on the house (due to sm's hoarding, the county code people were notified of possible dangerous living conditions while the police, GBI and medical examiner were here).
He's spent most of his time with friends. The funeral is in the morning. I specifically asked bratkin "do you trust me to not throw away what I know was important to your mom" and she said yes. I called to tell her we are to be at the funeral home at 10, and I was ordering her the necklace that she wants (it holds a tiny bit of her mama's ashes and is quite classy). She told me R wanted to talk to me.
I call him back, he says he's coming over at 8 to get this and that, and I told him "you're not taking a damn thing. You are NOT the only child and you will work it out between you, or it will stay here".
He yells, screams, threatens, tells me it's not for him, it's for bratkin. I couldn't get a word in. I thought he'd hung up, I tell dad he wants to come over and get stuff and dad said "he is not allowed in this house". I told him, he screamed, I hung up. He's doing all of this at bratkin's house..her husband does NOT like him, she was ticked off at him (but that changes) and they have a just-over-1-year-old baby.
I accidentally called him back, was trying to call stepsister. He was a jackazz, asked "what do you want" and I tried to tell him he didn't need to get a damned thing for bratkin, she and I had discussed it but he started yelling so I hung up.
Made sure our door is locked, lights are on, and thought about calling the cops to do a few drive by's. I don't think his gf would bring him up here, though, and I KNOW the bratkins won't.
Did get hold of stepsister and she said if he shows his azz at the funeral "he just may find himself in jail". I told her I would back her up, even if it ticked off bratkin.
Dad and I have made all the arrangements for the funeral, with grateful input from stepsister on where to put sm. WE talked to the chaplain about sm, and TBH, we drew blanks, as did stepsister and sm's sister. I finally remembered more and told him that, today, when he called me back.
I KNOW I can't control all this. I KNOW it's NMP (not my problem). I've already told dad I can't be his full support - recommended al-anon AGAIN and church. Some friends of his have invited him to church on Sunday and I told him "GO!!!!"
I complained a LOT about my sm on SR, but I did love her. She died on the date of my mom and dad's anniversary (mom died in 1991). I've had numerous people telling me how strong I am.
Though it's not quite the same as bratkin, I, too, have now lost 2 mamas. Sm was not always an A, and she would absolutely NEVER reveal something told to her in secret. She used to say "I've got so many secrets, that casket might not hold them". Unfortunately, we had her cremated as no one has money for otherwise.
I just need advice on how to hold on to me, and I need prayers that I do the right thing. I'd scheduled off Thu., a few weeks ago, because other than the day I had to put my cat, Patches down, I've only had one day off since July (Ann has been kicking me with the bunny slippers). I took another day off when she died, I'm taking tomorrow off.
My job is to sit with alzheimers clients who are declining and I've gotten attached and it's hard, but I'm grateful because I do love my clients and their families.
Sorry for the novel, it's just been a tough day/night.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,416
I wish I had advice. Its hard to get time for yourself when so many other people and things demand time from you, but I think you're right to insist on it.
I know everyone's hurting, but it's not all down to you, and it shouldn't be.
much prayer and hugs
D
I know everyone's hurting, but it's not all down to you, and it shouldn't be.
much prayer and hugs
D
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,384
Sending prayers for you.
I've never been in a situation like this. I do know that it is best to stay away from toxic family members. You must set boundaries and detach. Do not engage with someone who is raging and blaming.
I've never been in a situation like this. I do know that it is best to stay away from toxic family members. You must set boundaries and detach. Do not engage with someone who is raging and blaming.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 845
Oh, Impurrfect, I'm so sorry to hear this! I've lost both my Mom and Dad to alcoholism, and the three of us ACOA children had to dre eal with it, and there sure was a lot of anger, irrationality, warring over possessions, etc.! Losing a family member just seems to ratchet up everyone's behavior tenfold. But it sounds to me like you are keeping calm and reasonable despite your grief, and your niece is so lucky to have that modeled for her. A good friend of mine who lost his father told me afterward that by spending time with his dad at the end, his dad had taught him how to die with dignity. This really struck me. I think in this case that you have a chance to show your niece how to grieve with dignity, even if everyone around you is coming to pieces. Big hugs!
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,057
Amy, you've been here for a long time for so many people. I'm sorry to hear of your struggles. I can't offer advice, but I can absolutely promise prayers which are worth much more, I'm sure of it. I will pray that the guidance and strength you need will be there when you need them. God bless all of you. Hugs to you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Thank you all. I cry, then I "toughen up" then I cry some more. My mom was always the strong one and I've been told by many, I am so much like her. She went to al-anon, even though dad is not an A, so I do wonder if that's a good thing.
I do know SR prayers work. I wouldn't be coming up on 6 years of recovery without them. TBH, I had to look at the date I joined here, as I was 6 months clean then. Recovery is just a way of life.
jj - thanks for your input. I've dealt with MANY deaths over the years, but have never dealt with the "I want this" stuff. My niece is my primary concern, and my stepsister agrees.
I will get through this with my head held high. Even if I have to bite my tongue in two, or I agree with stepsister on calling the cops. I WILL NOT engage with my stepbrother if he is in jackazz mode.
My sm had her faults, but in all honesty - she was raised by an alcoholic dad and codie mom. She married an alcoholic and became the codie. She never got to the point where she believed she was a great person. She turned to what she learned her whole life - numb out.
I will do my best to "send her off" with a good service. I will always be there for bratkin, as will my dad. My stepbrother? I'll pray for him, but I am detaching in love. I will not be abused by him.
I have all of you to thank for getting to this point.
I have to find stuff to wear to the funeral (it's only after midnight here) but I know I'm going with a slew of prayers and I'll be okay.
Love, hugs and prayers,
Amy
I do know SR prayers work. I wouldn't be coming up on 6 years of recovery without them. TBH, I had to look at the date I joined here, as I was 6 months clean then. Recovery is just a way of life.
jj - thanks for your input. I've dealt with MANY deaths over the years, but have never dealt with the "I want this" stuff. My niece is my primary concern, and my stepsister agrees.
I will get through this with my head held high. Even if I have to bite my tongue in two, or I agree with stepsister on calling the cops. I WILL NOT engage with my stepbrother if he is in jackazz mode.
My sm had her faults, but in all honesty - she was raised by an alcoholic dad and codie mom. She married an alcoholic and became the codie. She never got to the point where she believed she was a great person. She turned to what she learned her whole life - numb out.
I will do my best to "send her off" with a good service. I will always be there for bratkin, as will my dad. My stepbrother? I'll pray for him, but I am detaching in love. I will not be abused by him.
I have all of you to thank for getting to this point.
I have to find stuff to wear to the funeral (it's only after midnight here) but I know I'm going with a slew of prayers and I'll be okay.
Love, hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 98
You will be in my prayers tonight.
As far as advice, eat well and get plenty of rest. You will be better able to handle whatever happens.
As for bratkins, I will pray that you find the words and actions that will help her through this.
As far as advice, eat well and get plenty of rest. You will be better able to handle whatever happens.
As for bratkins, I will pray that you find the words and actions that will help her through this.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Australia
Posts: 11,351
Amy , my heart goes out to you sweetheart . Just know that we are all here for you .you are not alone .you need to look after you too . You may be strong like your mum , but allow yourself to cry when it suits .
You have got through so much before , I have no doubt you will be a support to many , just by your lovely personality.
Love you lots Amy , much love xxxx
You have got through so much before , I have no doubt you will be a support to many , just by your lovely personality.
Love you lots Amy , much love xxxx
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Thank you all, again. I know when times are really tough, I come here and I get support and I am grateful.
Just got my things to wear to the funeral (we are due there in 8 hours) together, and I've said a lot of prayers.
I took my herbal medicine to help me sleep, got Mots on my desk chair (he's taken over it) and Tinker in my bed. She knows something's not right, but dad and I have been lavishing love on her.
I feel stronger, and my sm WILL be "sent out" with dignity and grace. She deserves that. She was a victim of her circumstances and never learned that it didn't have to be that way. I relate. I have learned, but had I not stumbled upon SR, who knows.
Thank you all, I will tuck you in my heart later today and I will stand tall and I will be the woman my sm actually envied. She never understood how I could be so strong. It's not something you can teach someone, but I will do my best.
I have to admit, I don't EVER want to go through this again, but I know - it's a learning experience and as my mom-Kay always tells me, "God has you in the palm of His hand". I will hold on to that tomorrow.
Love, hugs and prayers,
Amy
Just got my things to wear to the funeral (we are due there in 8 hours) together, and I've said a lot of prayers.
I took my herbal medicine to help me sleep, got Mots on my desk chair (he's taken over it) and Tinker in my bed. She knows something's not right, but dad and I have been lavishing love on her.
I feel stronger, and my sm WILL be "sent out" with dignity and grace. She deserves that. She was a victim of her circumstances and never learned that it didn't have to be that way. I relate. I have learned, but had I not stumbled upon SR, who knows.
Thank you all, I will tuck you in my heart later today and I will stand tall and I will be the woman my sm actually envied. She never understood how I could be so strong. It's not something you can teach someone, but I will do my best.
I have to admit, I don't EVER want to go through this again, but I know - it's a learning experience and as my mom-Kay always tells me, "God has you in the palm of His hand". I will hold on to that tomorrow.
Love, hugs and prayers,
Amy
Sober since October
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: In the world in my eyes...Somewhere I've never been before...
Posts: 7,355
Amy, my heart goes to you. 
Keeping you in my thoughts and sending you the most powerful energy to help you through this tough time.
So many people care about you here - remember about this when it's getting hard, and our love and compassion will help.
((Take care of yourself))
Keeping you in my thoughts and sending you the most powerful energy to help you through this tough time.
So many people care about you here - remember about this when it's getting hard, and our love and compassion will help.
((Take care of yourself))
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
i think you are doing the right thing Ames.
the only recommendation i would add is 3 days off, some quiet place to rest and eat, and to turn off the phone or use Mr. number to block certain calls.
your stepbrother is being a bully and you don't allow that nonsense. he couldn't be bothered with sm when she was alive, now he wants to make big show...the only thing he is showing is his ignorance.
we are all in your pocket today, its mighty crowded.
the only recommendation i would add is 3 days off, some quiet place to rest and eat, and to turn off the phone or use Mr. number to block certain calls.
your stepbrother is being a bully and you don't allow that nonsense. he couldn't be bothered with sm when she was alive, now he wants to make big show...the only thing he is showing is his ignorance.
we are all in your pocket today, its mighty crowded.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
(((amy))) my thoughts and prayers are with you today, with your dad and bratkin. SM was loved, and I am sorry for her life struggles. I know that today you will give her a service that she would be touched by.
yes, it is crowded in your pocket, but we are there with you. love you bunches.
yes, it is crowded in your pocket, but we are there with you. love you bunches.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Amy, you're acting with class and responsibility while some others are just making things worse. Thinking of you, you don't have to hold the world on your shoulders.
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